Chapter one

Hi. I'm Matt, not that my name says that much but I thought you might wanna know. I'm 17. And I'm gay. That's basically everything you need to know about me.




Oh, and another thing –stupid. No, that's too weak –a fuckin' idiot sounds better. Yes, there we have it:

Matt, 17, gay, and a fuckin' idiot.

Nice to meet you. Are there still any confusions? Well, I guess I better start from the beginning then, so that you slow ones out there can keep up.

It's not like I just woke up one day and thought 'man, I'm gay'. I guess it just came to a point when it was official, and all those little hints I've gotten through the past few years made so much sense. Of course I had the amazing luck to fall in love with my best friend. So it was because of him I found out, it wasn't because of him I got gay; by that time I actually realised I'd been that for a very long time. Or, you know, maybe I've always been... So I got all these weird thoughts and dreams about him and of course I acted weird. At first I couldn't even figure it out. Then I just denied it. It's like death's phases, you know; chock, deny, anger, fear, and um… acceptance. I don't really know everyone, maybe there's more. But anyway, I went through those phases by first 'getting' that I'm gay, then denying it, then getting scared and then depressed of course. I don't really know if I've gotten to the accepting phase, but I do think I'm on my way. But anyhow, the thing I was gonna tell you about was the time when I really screwed up.

We were having a sleepover. I don't know, about our 12 745th one, or something. So it was really nothing, it was just a part of the weekend. I think I was somewhere between the 'knowing' part and the 'not knowing' part. I hadn't really figured it out just yet.

So before we were gonna sleep, we goofed around, cracked jokes and stuff like we usually do. Then we went to bed. I slept on a mattress and he slept in his bed. His dad had to come up like five times and tell us to shut up, before we finally did. So by three or so in the morning, we finally said goodnight and felled asleep shortly.

Somewhere between four and six o clock I woke up. I went to the bathroom, and when I came back, Tai's (oh, that's his name by the way) pillow was on my mattress. So I bent over his bed to put it back. He was sleeping on his back, with his mouth slightly open. It was kinda fascinating watching him sleep, 'cause he didn't have this o-yeah-I'm-so-cool-mask on. He was sleeping like a baby. Peaceful, you know? I know that everybody says that, but they are telling the truth. It was cute. So what did I do? Did I go back to sleep like a good boy? No, I stood there and watched him. I still don't know for how long I watched him, but it was probably a long time because before I knew it, it was sunrise. So when the sun shone on his face he looked like an angel. I wanted to kiss him, that's the only thought I remember from that night; 'I wanna kiss him' So did I do that? No, I didn't dare. Instead I started moving my finger to my lips to kiss it, but I couldn't even do that, so I just stroked his lips very briefly. Then I got a little more courage and placed it on my lips and then stroked his lips again with the kissed fingertip. There, I kissed him. Well, almost. At that time I didn't really think about why I wanted to kiss him, or why I'd been staring at him for hours instead of sleeping. I just stood there, thinking 'should I kiss him? Should I? I want to, but what if…? And what if…?'

Do you wanna know what happened? Are you sure? Maybe I won't tell you. Maybe I feel like messing with you a little… what do you think happened? Huh? Did I kiss him? Did he wake up? Did he wake up before I got the chance to kiss him? Did I just go back to sleep? Did I keep staring at him until he woke up? Did I fall asleep while I watched him? Did I fall asleep while I kissed him? Alright, alright, I'll tell you.

I kissed him.

Just lightly on the lips, but still he just had to wake up. So when I opened my eyes and saw him staring back at me I nearly wept myself.

"Nothing! I was just… putting back your pillow."

He looked at me with tired eyes. "Huh?"


"What were you doing?"

"Nothing! I was just putting back your pillow, it had fallen down, and-"

"Matt, you're still holding the pillow."

"Oh." I stared the pillow, like I was some kind of idiot. Well, we've already agreed that I am, haven't we?

"Oh…" I repeated, not realising what I was saying. I was starting to space out.

"What were you doing?" He had really woken up by now. I snapped back to reality and looked at him.

"Nothing! I said I didn't do anything!"

He didn't say anything more. He just looked at me. And that's when you know it's too late. When they don't nag at you anymore; when they just look at you with that oh-look. I went back to bed and couldn't fall asleep no matter how hard I tried.

Yeah, so that was the time when I really screwed up. It was nice talking to ya'll and… Huh? You wanna hear more? Oh… right… okay, but take a seat, this might take a while.

So where was I? Oh right, I had gone back to bed and tried to sleep. Like I said, it was impossible. Then after what seemed like forever, Tai woke up again. Okay, I dunno if he really had fallen asleep after that, but he sat up.

"Matt, are you awake?"

"Yeah…" I rolled over to my back and stretched out.

"Do you wanna get up?"


Tai went up and started putting his clothes on. I just laid there and wondered if he remembered or even knew what had happened a couple of hours earlier.

We just acted like nothing. And everything kinda went on like usual. It wasn't before a couple of weeks after that, when I made my second mistake. I know, I am an idiot.

I had done him this huge favor. His computer had been all weird and I (well, okay my dad) knew this guy who was really good with computers, so he actually fixed it for him. Can you believe that? So I told Tai that I knew someone who maybe could help him, and he was like 'great' and I said I could take his computer and give it to the guy on the next weekend. So we did that, and it took a while, but then we got it back and it had turned out it wasn't really that complicated. I dunno what the problem was; I'm not that good with computers. But it was fixed and I brought it back to Tai on a Tuesday.

"Put it on."

"So it's fixed?"

"See for yourself!"

Tai pressed the on-button and the computer started.

"Yes! Man, he's good."

It turned out the computer was now better then it had ever been. Tai was so happy he was almost jumping off the chair.

"Yes, yes, yes, yes! Oh man, thank you so much!" Tai jumped up and threw his arms around me.

"Thank you, thank you, thankyou, thankyou, thankyouthankyouthankyou…" I laughed but couldn't help from feeling a little awkward. I almost got dizzy. Tai grabbed my head and gave me a big, wet kiss.

I know what you're thinking, but it wasn't that gentle, romantic kiss ya'll can see in your heads right now. Really not. Then he gave me this huge grin.

"I owe you, man."

"I didn't fix it, Brian did." I said lamely.

"Yeah, well when you meet him again, thank him from me."

"Okay. Should I give him a kiss from you too?"

"You better make that a French kiss, I fuckin' LOVE that dude!" Tai let my head go and turned around to his computer. He sat down and I took a chair to sit down beside him. I remember that my hands were shaking. Tai glanced at me.

"I hope I didn't freak you out or anything…"

"Nah, that's all right. I liked it."

Tai chuckled and looked at me. When he saw my face he realised I was serious. His face went from ha-ha-ha to oh-my-GOD! so fast it was almost funny. Almost. He stared at me and I felt my cheeks getting hot, only proving even more that I actually meant what I said before.

"Um… I mean…geez Tai, I was just kidding!"

"You don't look like you were kidding."

"But I was."

"No you weren't."

I opened my mouth to say 'Yes I was' but it was too late anyway. Plus I am not a five-year-old.

"Fine. Whatever, let's play that game you were talking about." I said, desperately trying to change subject. Yeah, fat chance Ishida.

"What! No, what do you mean whatever? Shit, are you kidding? I… I didn't think… I didn't know…"

"Yeah… I didn't want to tell you either." I mumbled.

We looked at each other.

"God… so you're…?"


"Man… I mean, shit, I mean… okay…" Tai eyes were wide open, and the tone in his voice was a bit high. He was probably in shock. Well, at least he wasn't pissed off. Yet…

"So… um… a-are you okay with that?" I asked, scared of what the answer might be.

"I dunno… guess it doesn't matter, but… it's just… I had no idea! I can't believe it…"

"I'm sorry…" I said automatically.

He shook his head firmly. "No. Don't apologise. I'm not a little kid. And I'm not a homophobic."

"Good. But I wouldn't blame you if you freaked out. I did."

He looked at me again. "Yeah? When? When did you go…? I mean, when did you realise?"

"When I kissed you."

Tai blinked in surprise. "When did you kiss me?"

"You weren't awake" Oh yeah, good one Matt…

"WHAT? You kissed me when I was sleeping?"

I stared at the computer. Tai's voice was uncomfortably loud and he was getting upset.

"It was nothing, I swear." I tried in defence.

"What do you mean nothing? You kissed me! That's gross!"

"I-I gotta go" I mumbled and jumped up.

"Wha… Matt! You can't just-"

Leave? Watch me…

How can he possibly blame me for leaving! That was the most horrible situation I've ever been in! It was like he was gonna kill me! And why the hell did I say all the wrong things? I hate myself.


If you've read my first version of this chapter, you might've noticed that I changed Matt's age. So he's 17 when he tells this story, witch means he and Tai were around 14, 15 when it actually happened.

thanks for reading! more thanks if you review!