Warning: This contains HP6 spoilers.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Warning #2: If you are a H/D shipper, or write H/D, avert your eyes. It will never happen. I mean this. But I'd prefer it if you didn't flame me, cos that would make me sad. But you can if you really want to. I'm not smart enough to reply with Cutting Remarks™ that will really make you think long and hard about your life decisions.
Ever noticed that a huge majority of FanFictions are incredibly, incredibly implausible? Incredibly implausible? So very implausible that the mere summary contains more HP blasphemy than… something that has a lot of HP blasphemy?
Without further ado, I present to you…Harry Potter and the Horribly Unlikely FanFiction
Chapter one: The Lion and the Snake (or other title which contains blatantly obvious metaphors for Gryffindor and Slytherin, which the author thinks is really subtle and mysterious)
Summary: Lyk omg, so lyk Hermione and Draco r hed boy n hed gurl and they lyk hav 2 share a comon room GASP will romance happen? Not gud at sumerys jus read it kthxbye
Hermione tossed her hair over her shoulder. Over the summer, she had visited America (cause Americans are lyk so much cooler than English people) and whilst there, she had realised that being intelligent was just so… ugly. She was sick of being the smart one, she wanted to be sexy and have all the boys in love with her. Because as we all know, it is physically impossible to love someone who isn't incredibly attractive. She had straightened her hair and had highlights, and it now shone like there were stars in it, or something. She had filled out, and had Curves In All The Right Places™. She had an incredibly slutty muggle wardrobe, and wore clothing that would suit 2006, even though the series was set in the nineties. Oh well, anything to make Hermione look totally kewl.
She was standing on Platform 9 ¾, waiting for her very best friends who will inevitably dump her so that she can cry on the shoulder of none other than Draco Malfoy – ahem. Waiting for her very best friends, Ron and Harry. Suddenly, because the author can't think of anything else to pad the story with, Ron and Harry appear. Of course, they have turned incredibly attractive and have Rippling Muscles™.
"Omg Mione," said Ron, using netspeak and calling her by a nickname he has never called her before in his life, "You look totally different. Did you do something?"
"Why yes Ronald," Hermione replied coolly, speaking like the author assumes all smart people talk like, and calling Ron by a name she has never called him before in his life, "I did do something. Notice my sexiness, and my Curves In All The Right Places™?"
"Now that you mention it, I do! Hermione, you look so sexy that I would totally go for you! Totally!" Harry said, speaking like a valley girl and being incredibly out-of-character. "Lyk, totally!"
"Don't call me that!" Hermione screeched, because obviously Hermione/the author thinks that 'Hermione' is a name that is way too uncool for someone so sexy. "You may call me Maya, even though it is a name that has little or nothing to do with my actual name."
"Okay Maya…" Harry said, looking suspicious. "Totally."
"Now boys," Hermione said, pushing out her chest so far she may have displaced several vertebrae, "I believe I must board the train, for I must find out who is occupying the position of Head Boy this year."
"Wow, wouldn't it be totally implausible if it was DRACO MALFOY?" Harry said, jumping up and down and squealing.
"Quite possibly the worst candidate for Head Boy-ship? Not to mention the boy who attempted to kill Dumbledore several times? You know, he probably won't even be allowed back into Hogwarts," Hermione said, striding onto the train and making sure her shirt was open to the fullest extent without showing her naughty-bits. "I think that it would be incredibly implausible if DRACO MALFOY was Head Boy. Unless, as I quite suspect, the author is deciding to disregard canon for the sake of their flimsy plotline?"
"Hey, y'know what would be even more totally implausible?" Harry said, grinning excitedly. "If you two had to share a common room or something. Or even an adjoining bathroom! That would totally create some Awkward Moments™ and Blatantly Obvious Sexual Tension™!"
"Now, you stop being silly, Harold," said Hermione, wondering why the hell she just called Harry by his full name. She suspected it was for the same reason she called Ron by his full name - sheer idiocy. She decided to stop thinking about it, figuring that if she got too inquisitive, the plot would collapse and she'd be out of a job. She headed towards the compartment Dumbledore (alive, of course) had told her to go to, and pushed open the door. She gasped in shock.
The Head Boy was Draco Malfoy. How incredibly implausible, Hermione thought to herself.
Draco stared at the girl who had just entered. Of course, we call him by his first name. She looked vaguely familiar but he couldn't place where he had seen her before. One thing was for sure: she had Curves In All The Right Places™ and Draco wanted to have rampant animal sex with her. Because Draco likes having rampant animal sex with all the girls in Slytherin, and a few of the boys. Because he's a sex god. Didn't you know that?
"Draco – I mean, Malfoy!" Hermione said. She cursed herself for using his first name, when she wasn't supposed to do that until they had had a Moment™. "You're Head Boy?"
"Why, yes I am, beautiful," Draco said, standing up to show off his Rippling Muscles™ and also to make a move on this beautiful girl who he does not yet know the name of. Of course, he is in love with her. "Now, what's your name? I'd like to know it before we have rampant animal sex."
"Blergh!" Hermione said, backing away, before remembering why she had made herself over. It was to make decidedly sexy boys fall in love with her! And damned if Draco Malfoy wasn't a decidedly sexy boy. "I mean, I'm Maya." Then, she remembered that she hated Draco Malfoy and that she would never have rampant animal sex with him! She wouldn't even have regular sex with him. That is the extent of her hate. "I mean, blergh!"
At that moment, Dumbledore entered the compartment, looking decidedly alive. "Good noon, Mr Malfoy and Miss Granger!" He said, leaping onto the furniture and gnawing on it. In fics where the author can't get Dumbledore's eccentricity right, they make him a raving lunatic. He got off the furniture and rolled under a seat, where he called out their duties as Head Boy and Girl. "Um… you have some duties, but I can't be arsed explaining, so your only duty is to have rampant animal sex in your shared common room! Wait, did I mention you share a common room? And an adjoining bathroom! Just think of the opportunities for Awkward Moments™ and Blatantly Obvious Sexual Tension™!"
"Wait, Granger?" Draco said, shocked. "Mudblood Granger? You said your name was Maya!"
"That's what I'm called now," Hermione said, pushing out her chest some more. "Dumbledore, aren't you going to stop Malfoy calling me that?"
"Nope!" Dumbledore said, now dancing a horizontal jig under the seat. "I think the best cure for crazy racists is to have rampant animal sex with them!"
"Wait, what?" Hermione and Draco said together. Flash forwards to sometime later, and it's the feast. Hermione is gazing at Draco across the hall, wondering if she was truly in love with him, or it was just her teenage hormones telling her to have rampant animal sex with him. Little did she know, Draco was thinking the same about her…
"Lyk, Maya!" Harry said, waving his arms about like a twelve-year-old girl. "Why are you totally staring at DRACO MALFOY? Are you in love with him or something?"
"Omg!" Said Ron, using netspeak again. "Maya loves Malfoy! We have to stop being her friend now."
"Lyk, totally!" Agreed Harry, sighing and turning his back on her girlishly. Hermione started to cry, but her best friends didn't care. They hated her now, because she had been looking in the general direction of a boy they disliked.
Flash forwards to sometime later still, and Hermione sat in the common room she shared with Draco, still weeping profusely. Draco saw her weep and walked over to comfort her, because of course he is Sweet and Gentle™ and never really wanted to be a Death Eater or anything.
"Oh, Maya," he said, "If only you knew how my heart yearns for you."
"Oh, sorry. I guess I was just thinking out loud," Draco said, covering his tracks expertly.
"Well, I have to tell you something, Draco," Hermione said, using his first name. This obviously represents True and Undying Love™. "I love you so very very much."
"Oh my!" Cried Draco. "Maya, I have waited so long to hear you say that! I will forsake my sex god ways and love you alone!"
Hermione's heart melted. "Let us have rampant, animal sex."
They had rampant, animal sex, Harry and Ron saw the error of they ways and apologised to Hermione ("lyk, we're totally sorry"), Draco renounced his father, and they had lots and lots of little babies as a result of their rampant animal sex.