Oh my god, how long has it been since I've updated? SO VERY LONG. However, the fates have conspired to bring you another gripping chapter of HARRY POTTER AND THE HORRIBLY UNLIKELY FANFICTION. As some of you may know, I spend far too much time on this site, reading god-awful fics to try and get a cheap laugh. Unfortunately, it has led to a horrific drinking problem that I use to escape the pain of living in a world where netspeak is considered acceptable in a literary work. Fortunately, it has also led to new HORRIBLY UNLIKELY IDEAS, or rather, RIPPING OFF OTHER PEOPLE'S POORLY THOUGHT OUT PLOT DEVICES.
I've just remembered that in the past, some people have looked upon this series none too kindly. Well, when you've been here as long as I have, you learn to stop giving a shit. So don't bother flaming. But if you want to tell me how wonderful you think I am, feel very free to do so :)
With all this nonsense out of the way, and all but seven words of my caps lock ration used up, its time for HARRY POTTER AND THE HORRIBLY UNLIKELY FANFICTION to commence!
In Which a Marriage Law That Makes No Sense Is Passed and Americans Have No Idea What Britain Is Actually Like
Cornelius Fudge stood at the head of the Great Hall, giving Professor Sprout a Very Sexy But Also Mysterious Sidelong Glance™. For the two were having a Very Sexy But Also Mysterious Torrid Lesbian Love Affair™. In a move that some had deemed 'incredibly unlikely', and others had simply deemed 'really messed up', it had been revealed that Cornelius Fudge was really Cornelia, proving it to the world with an impromptu vaginal display. This, of course, led Cornelia to embark on said VSBAMTLLA, and then to pass several laws that made no sense whatsoever. She was at Hogwarts to explain one of these new laws, because for some reason it had been impossible to send someone else to do the job of 'telling students things'. When you're the Minister for Magic, you don't fuck around. You get shit done.
But hark! Suddenly, the entrance doors opened with a crash-bang! A Very Sexy But Also Mysterious American Girl™ was there, looking Very Sexy But Also Mysterious™. One could tell she was American just by looking at her, for she was blonde, and so beautiful that it made grown men weep. Nobody who lived in Britain was allowed to be beautiful, and blondes were slaughtered at birth, the superstitious race of Britons fearing what they did not understand.
"You British people!" said the girl, flipping her hair. Everyone in the Hall was entranced by her and her Hair of Sexy, Mysterious Wonder™. "I feel so out of place here. Everyone in this country wears suits, top hats and monocles, and everyone smokes pipes and says things like 'ra-ther' and 'git'."
All of the Hall's occupants simultaneously frowned their sad puppy-dog faces and looked down at their plates. She was right, of course. But they had to keep their chins up, if only because all that down-turning of faces had caused several monocles to fall into the teacups. "You know, old chap, we really should stop with all this top-hat and monocle wearing. At least until we can get some good moustaches in," one student said to another.
"Ra-ther," his friend replied. But they were distracted from the Very Sexy But Also Mysterious American Girl™ by the Minister, who had resumed speaking when nobody was looking.
"I have just this morning passed a marriage law," Cornelia said, acting like it made sense to do such a thing. "Due to the population loss caused by the war, I'm forcing marriage upon people. In fact, I'm forcing unhappy marriages upon people. Oho, you thought you could choose who to marry? Oh no, I have a list here, and you shall be paired up thusly. Draco Malfoy and Ginny Weasley will be married, as will Severus Snape and Hermione Granger, since apparently paedophilia is totally fine."
"But I'm eighteen now," Hermione called out from the crowd, apparently seeing nothing else wrong with the situation.
"Oh," Cornelia muttered. "Ex – excellent. Well… can we find another, less legal girl to marry to Snape? No? There's no one? Oh, fine, Snape, you don't get to statutorily rape anyone. I know, I'm disappointed too."
"Statutory rape isn't funny," Hermione said. Then, she turned to face the camera directly, even though this is a written story and there are no cameras. "Hear that, fanfiction writers? This shit is not okay. Stop pairing underage-me with people old enough to be my father. I do not appreciate it. Thank you."
"Who else is going to be paired off?" Harry called, eyeing Ron with a hopeful gleam in his eye. Cornelia looked confused.
"Other… other people? No no, dear boy, this is a DMGW SSHG story. You're actually negligible here."
"This is a new feeling," Harry muttered, as he began to fade away. "Oh well, I had a good run."
"I don't want to marry Malfoy," Ginny called out, arms crossed. "What if I refuse?"
"Anyone who refuses the marriage law will be banished from the Wizarding community," Cornelia explained helpfully. "Because kicking people out is a great way to boost numbers."
"But this doesn't make any sense at all!" Ginny retorted. "Shouldn't… shouldn't there be some kind of incentive for us to procreate, not forcing it upon us? Who thought of this law? Why was it even considered?"
It was the Very Sexy But Also Mysterious American Girl™ who had all the answers, of course. She was so smart. "Well, duh, you guys," she said, flipping her hair in a very beautiful sort of way. "You're all British. You do stuff that doesn't make any sense all the time."
"Oh sweet Merlin, she's right," Cornelia cried, falling to the floor. "I'm not worthy to be Minister for Magic, VSBAMAG. Please, take over. Set things right with the world."
"Oh, like, sure," said the VSBAMAG. She stepped up and stood on Cornelia's bulging stomach to take the position of Minister for Magic, because she knew like, everything about being British. "I've decided to repeal this marriage law because it doesn't make any sense."
"That's what I said!" Ginny cried out. She was obviously incredibly jealous because all the boys liked the VSBAMAG instead of her. If there's one life goal Ginny has, it's to have all the boys' attention. VSBAMAG ignored her.
"I'm going to offer incentives for people to procreate instead," VSBAMAG said. Ginny's head exploded from rage, or it might just have been that she was British, and British people did weird things like that all the time. At any rate, everyone agreed that nobody born in Britain could possibly have had the foresight and ability to save the world quite like an American. There was much rejoicing.