The genre for this story is on parody. Meaning it is not to be taken seriously. Repeat: NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY! I know how wacked up this story would be if it was, well, serious, since half of it makes no sense, but the whole point of this is to poke fun. Hopefully it'll make you laugh.
Disclaimer: I like Harry Potter. I really do. This parody does not mean I don't like HP, nor own it. I like HP, I just don't own it. Just wanted to clear that up.
Halloween, 2001 – Because history always repeats itself.
"Master," said one of Voldemort's minions, "We have found something very important."
The Dark Lord sat up, distracted from his evil planning of taking over the world. The list as of now was like this:
Kill Harry Potter
Kill Albus Dumbledore
Kill More Muggles
Kill All Subordinates (who knows, one of them might start a rebellion or something!)
Kill All Wizards (hey, without his minions to protect him it was a pretty good chance they'd usurp him!)
Kill Rest of Muggles (they're useless anyway)
Terrorize and dictate remaining one-celled organisms!
It wasn't getting very far, namely because he forgot the plan every time he ended the planning session, since he never wrote the plan down-- Voldemort refused to use a quill because it reminded him of Hogwarts and how stupid Dumbledore declined to give him the job, and repudiated to use a pen or pencil because it reminded him of his stupid Muggle orphanage.
And of course he couldn't get one of his cronies to do it for him, because then they'd learn his plans! He could always just kill the servant after he was done, but then he'd lose too many Death Eaters—a skeleton-like being doesn't need to sleep, and what else is there for a Dark Lord to do then plan?
"More important then my planning?"
"You must think so, if you dare to disturb me."
"So then it is more important then me?"
Voldemort waved a hand lazily. "Kill him." Many hands all reached out at once, reciting "Avada Kedavra" in monotonous voices. The Death Eater fell to the ground.
"Now." Pleased, Voldemort pointed to the next guy in line… Lucius Malfoy. "What was the important news?"
"We have found out where Potter is, master."
"Excellent. Go kill him." The Dark Lord wasn't feared that much for his power, but mainly for his habit of surviving everything you throw at him and coming back with a very, very evil plan for revenge.
"Master, we have figured out something else."
"Potter is married to Weasley,--"
"I don't need to know about Harry's matrimony."
"And they have a son. James Harry Potter."
"Well, good for him."
"You don't understand this, master,"
"Are you saying I'm stupid?" Voldemort sat up even straighter.
"No, no, of course not! But the boy has the same birthday as his father, July 31st,"
"How touching." Lucius was now getting rather frustrated with his master's constant interruptions.
"Potter has defied you seven times,"
"You're calling me stupid again. I can count."
"And three of them were with Weasley!"
"Aha! You didn't deny calling me stupid!" Voldemort almost started to say "Kill him!"
"No, master! Think about it!"
"About what? Killing you? I already have!"
"No! What I have told you!"
"He has a baby. How sweet. Kill him too."
"Born as the seventh month dies, born to those who have thrice defied him—"
"I KNOW how the prophecy goes! That has absolutely nothing to do with what we are talking about, which is KILLING YOU—"
"Master! The prophecy could have been about the wrong boy!"
"HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT THE DARK LORD--- nonsense, the prophecy is about Harry Potter and no one else. Anyway—"
"The prophecy could possibly be referring to—"
"YOU DID IT AGAIN! The prophecy says that The one who has the power to vanquish the dark lord approaches… and it's been too long to have another prophecy child."
"Time is a long time, master! Approaches could mean anything!"
"Well, then the prophecy means Harry Potter BECAUSE I SAID SO! Who else could it possibly be, in any case? There is no other child born at the end of July whose parents have defied me three times."
"Shoo or die." Apparently, the Dark Lord's mood had improved after he believed himself proved correct.
Voldemort sank back into his chair, pleased. A kill usually got him this way, and two normally got him a little euphoric. "Now, why aren't we going to kill Harry?"
Nott, one of his brightest Death Eaters, decided to make things a little more clear to his master. Lucius had made a mistake—and that was that he had forgotten that Dark Lords did not understand subtlety.
"Master, Harry and Ginny Potter, who together have defied you three times before, have a child who was born at the end of July."
"Well, that's great—WHAT!"
It was Halloween, and James Harry Potter was a battery.
Or at least, he was dressed as a battery, but now, Trick Or Treating was over, and James was prancing around his parent's room for one last time before taking the costume off.
"That didn't go too badly." Harry looked up at the ceiling
"What are you talking about, Harry? The costume? He takes after Dad. Besides, look at how adorable he looks!" It was true Arthur Weasley was obsessed with everything Muggle, and it was also true that James looked charming in his Duracell cylindrical costume.
"I'm amazed he barely got teased. I got teased a lot when I was his age, you know."
"Yes, I know, but you didn't have two parents with you to beat up any potential teasers."
"He'll never make friends that way, Gin."
"Nonsense. He has lots of friends."
"Not what I meant, but okay." Harry sighed. "At least it's a Duracell battery."
"I still liked the Energizer one better," said Ginny, picking up the leftover candy wrappers from the table.
"Hon, he would've been the laughingstock of the year if he showed up in a pink battery suit with a bunny and a drum on it."
She shrugged. "If you say so."
Harry kissed Ginny lightly. "Could you put him to bed?"
"Sure. When are you coming up?"
"Soon, I guess." He shrugged, and she smiled and went upstairs.
Harry was about to move to follow her after looking through the Quibbler (bad experiences with the Daily Prophet…) when Voldemort burst through his wall.
Ahem. Harry was about to move to follow her after looking through the Quibbler (bad experiences with the Daily Prophet…) when Voldemort burst through his wall.
A little much to take in. Stunned, Harry gaped for a little bit before instinctively jumping up, reaching for his wand. Which was currently in the back pocket of his jeans.
…His OTHER jeans.
Never leave wand in back pocket of jeans. Lesson learned.
"AVADA KEDAVRA!" and after a burst of green light, Harry Potter's body made an almost contented 'thump' as it hit the floor.
Hey, you'd be pretty happy too if you had almost been killed by a major migraine, a giant snake, a werewolf, Ringwraith look-alikes, dragons, mermaids, grindylows, etc., etc. Not to mention having to deal with growing all the bones in an arm, in addition to numerous other Quidditch injuries.
Yes, the body of the Boy-Who-Just-Wouldn't-Die was very happy to rest in peace.
And as Spirit!Harry drifted up to the afterlife, eager to meet his parents, Lily—sorry, I mean Ginny—was dealing with Voldemort.
"You can't kill him! He's only a baby! You were a baby once!"
Voldemort paused for a moment. Ginny watched him with baited anticipation.
"Ah yes. Brings back bad memories. AVADA KEDAVRA!" Another burst of green light. Now Ginny fell, luckily enough on her back so little James could be cushioned by her stomach.
"BWAHAHAHA!" roared Voldemort, intending to scare the child. Instead, James giggled at him.
The Dark Lord frowned at him. "You annoy me. AVADA KEDAVRA!" Yet another burst of green light.
Voldemort was about to complain to himself that this burst of green light seemed to be much, much brighter then usual when it rebounded and hit him.
NOOOOOOOO! Screamed the now LivingSoul!Voldemort silently, since living souls don't really make much noise. I need a new Killing Curse. One with a warranty.