Chapter 10: The Special 10th Episode of Ask Alnel!
(A/N: peaks nervously out from behind the corner Um…hi there…receives glares and people start throwing rocks OK I'M SORRY!!! It's not completely my fault (just mostly) that I've been away from this story for like…FOREVER. I've been soooo busy…It's not funny…ok it sorta is but not to me.
But I'm updating (finally) And I hope you still like and review…though I'm not hold out much hope sweat drops If I modified some things I'm sorry in advance…still hope you like it!)
"I'm still wondering why the heck we got stuck with this job," Albel grumbled as, yes you guessed it, another episode of Ask Alnel began.
"We're just special like that," Nel replied sarcastically, "It was a better idea than the King of Airyglyph and Queen of Aquaria marrying us off wasn't it?"
"Bah," Albel sulked
"But today is a very exciting day…" Nel started
"Exciting for whom?" Albel interrupted
"…for Ask Alnel!" Nel finished, ignoring Albel, "You see, we received a very generous donation from an anonymous listener,"
And somewhere in the deep dark realms of space Kikeri Ki was laughing her head off at the trouble that this little 'donation' could cause.
"So what is it?" Albel asked
"It's called "The Albel Outfit Tracker" It measures how many times your outfit will be made fun of on this show!" Nel grinned evilly
"……That's not funny,"
"Yeah it is, you just have no sense of humor, skirt-wearing sissy," and sure enough the digital display on the alarm-clock looking device switched from a zero to a one, "It works!"
"……" Albel pulled out his katana
"Caller one, shinigami 656, you're on the air," Nel smiled, flipping on the microphone,
"Alright, I've got some questions for Nel first," shinigami said, "First off, is that your real hair color?"
"I thought we went over this already…yes it's my natural hair color," Nel rolled her eyes
"And how do WE know that?" Albel grinned nastily
"…because our planet happens to be 'primitive' or whatever that big word was that Fayt used to describe it…I kinda lost interest," Nel replied
"Listening to him for too long will do that," Albel agreed, "That's why I usually just don't pay attention to him at all,"
"Next question: have you ever considered taking belly-dancing classes?"
"Um….no…..I just do my battling workouts" Nel said
"But it's really good for you!"
"…so are my workouts"
"At least with the dancing you don't have as much of a chance of getting killed," shinigami argued
"True I guess…"
"Anything else?" Albel asked
"For Nel? Just a nice little dare…then it's your turn," shinigami laughed evilly
"What's the dare?" Nel asked warily
"You have to dance to the song 'Hips Don't Lie' by Shakira"
"Yep that's right, have fun!" shinigami grinned
Suddenly Fayt burst into the room, eyes closed, headphones blasting that very song from an I-pod. It was horrifically disturbing…even more so when he began to sing
"And I'm Oooonnnn tonight/ You knoooowwww my hips don't lie/ And I'm starting to feeeeelllll it's right…." he sang in a squeaky, falsetto
(A/N: sorry to interrupt…I've never actually heard the song…I'm just doing an impersonation of how I'd think Fayt would sing…horribly XD)
"O.o" Albel and Nel looked at each other and started snickering. Fayt stopped short, and seemed to realize for the first time where he was…on live radio…and everyone was laughing at him
"…shit…" and he promptly ran out of the room panicking.
"Do I have to do that dare? Or was Fayt's horrible dancing enough?" Nel finally choked out of her laughter
"……" shinigami was laughing to hard to speak, "no…that was enough amusement to last the century," she laughed evilly as she shut off the secret video camera hidden in the station
"…alright…do your worst," Albel sighed as he knew his turn had arrived.
"Well, what hobbies do you have?" shinigami asked. Albel opened his mouth and was about to speak when he was interrupted, "Besides killing people of course"
"He like to ice skate," Nel laughed
"I do not! Just when I was younger…" Albel muttered
"Well I like cleaning my weapons…and I spend a lot of time on my hair," Albel finally answered
"…you spend time on your hair?" Nel raised her eyebrows
"Don't look down on me because of it wretch…as a public figure I must look my best," Albel replied
"How many hours to you spend on it anyway?" shinigami asked
"Well between the shampooing, conditioning, combing, yelling at Shelby for stealing all the hair gel, hitting him in the head with the empty bottle of gel, finding new bottle from my secret stash, braiding and ribbon-wrapping, I'd have to say about 2 hours"
"Albel is a nancy-boy…who would have ever guess…besides everyone" Nel snickered
"…" Albel glared at her
"So next question," shinigami said, "have you ever drank blood?"
"…do I look like a vampire to you worm?" Albel muttered
"I bet you have…I bet in the heat of battle after killing monsters of much less caliber than you, you get blood on your lips and have licked it off…just admit it," Nel gave him one of her knowing looks
"Well that would make sense," shinigami agreed
"…you both suck" Albel slouched in his chair
"You know that's probably why so many people think he's a vampire…because he gets all gross and bloody with blood all over his lips. It makes perfect sense!" shinigami exclaimed
"Probably…wait who thinks I'm a vampire?" Albel asked warily
"Well let's just go to the polls!" Nel whipped out a pointer-stick and tapped on a chart that happened to randomly appear, "according to our poll, 65 of Airyglyph alone thinks that you are a vampire, or at least half vampire,"
"Those fools will pay," Albel muttered, pulling out his katana
"Not now Albel! We've got a show to finish!"
"How many sarongs do you own?" shinigami asked
"7 one for each day of the week, plus a few extra, you know in case my daily beating of some foolish worm or another gets a little…out of hand…" Albel finished on somewhat of a morbid note
"…oookkk…well now for a couple of questions for both of you!"
"Greeeeaaattt," Albel murmured
"First off, what are your favorite types of music?"
"Well I'm kinda into rock, with some classical thrown in there for good measure," Nel answered
"As well as the Barney theme song," Albel snickered
"…shut up…I'm going to kill Fayt for introducing me to that song…it's just so damn…catchy,"
"What about you Albel?"
"I like heavy metal, though some rock is awesome enough for my tastes," Albel replied
"Don't forget about the Hamster Dance Song," Nel added
"Wretch…that song is the bomb and you know it!"
"…Did you just say 'the bomb'?" shinigami asked
"…crap" Albel mumbled humiliated
"You've been around Fayt too much," Nel sympathized
"I've got one question…what's with making fun of Fayt in this episode?" Albel asked
"He's probably going to get pretty mad,"
"I'm sure we can just throw him out the window like we did Cliff," Nel reasoned
"So what animal would you be if you could be anything?" shinigami interrupted
"Um…I'd like to be a fox…they can sneak and are clever," Nel answered
"Well that wasn't a random spot for a question," Albel muttered, "I'd be a phoenix…"
"Why?" Nel asked
"Because they can never die! And they kill every one around them when they burst into flame and are reborn! Who wouldn't want that?"
"Ooookkk…thanks for your questions! Next caller, Aleu you're on the air!"
"Crap…" Albel closed his eyes in defeat
"Oh give me a break you baby, I'm not going to torment you that badly" Aleu laughed
"So Albel, do you ever sleep walk?"
"No," Albel said defiantly
"Oh really," Nel raised her eyebrows, " How come I found you in my bedroom that one night,"
"And you were down in the kitchen another night, about to shish-kabob the cook,"
"OK! We get it! Wait…why were you up in the middle of the night anyway?"
"I get up every night to do some late night training…mainly just emptying the fridge of any cereal it contains,"
"…why is there cereal in the FRIDGE?" Aleu asked
"Search me…I think Clair puts it in there to aggravate me,"
"Moving on from this increasingly disturbing topic…" Albel interjected
"Alright, Nel, would you like a new weapon? Or how about a summon? I can get one to you pronto," Aleu said
"Hmm…" Nel thought
"NO! Not this again!" Albel said horrified
"Well it would be really neat to have beams of energy fly out of my hands…" Nel concluded
"Oh dear Lord I'm going to die," Albel moaned
"Heh…this could be fun…later!" Aleu signed out
"Hououza you're on the air," Nel said
"I don't really have any questions for you…but I am wondering if anyone out there has a spare set of male ninja body guards to help out Albel," Hououza said
"Wow…congratulations Albel, someone actually WANTS to help you," Nel said a bit sarcastically
"SWEET!" Albel grinned, rather wickedly, "so is there anyone?"
"Um…nope not yet…we'll keep you posted," and Hououza hung up
"Curses…Sorceress Myst…oh double crap," Albel finished up his intro
"Well Albel I've been doing research on your history," Sorceress Myst began
"I bet that's interesting," Nel mused
"You have NO idea," she grinned, "But in my research I have found that SOME people have been saying that Romero King of the Dumb…Dead…whatever…is your grandfather…is this true?"
"WTF???" Albel stared, "Uh I don't think so…"
"When's the last time you actually looked up your family history?" Nel asked
"Bah…fool…I don't read!"
"Figures…" Nel rolled her eyes
"What about this, is it true that Sophia went back in time, married your father and became your mother? the resemblance is there…" Sorceress Myst asked
"What resemblance?" Albel asked, while Nel rolled around the floor in a mad laugh
"you know…wasn't it on another one of our episodes that Sophia came in here and hugged you almost to death after one of our listeners told her you had a crush on her?" Nel choked out
"….I thought we made it clear NEVER to mention that incident again," Albel glared
"But think about it! If she was your mother and she came in here and started gushing how much she loved you, isn't that incest…" she thought a moment. "Or child abuse,"
"I'd go with the child abuse," Albel muttered
"I think we're going to make a lot of enemies on this show…" Nel pondered
"That's why we have lawyers…at least I'm pretty sure Sophia doesn't listen to this show…she's to busy with that Peppita girl writing that Fanfiction crap," Albel shrugged
"Anyway, thanks for returning my Mind Control helmet Nel. I've got another little present for you. Under your chair you'll find my newest invention, the Albel Will Be Your Slave For A Day, remote. It does what it says…but be warned…the effects only last a day and he'll be immune to it afterwards. Nifty little device huh?"
"Welsh Vineyard couldn't have done better," Nel agreed
"Why did you just tell her all that stuff while I was around?" Albel asked in shock and horror
"…not quite sure…oh well, see ya!" Sorceress Myst hung up
"Oh no…" Albel stared at Nel who was holding up the remote and grinning
"Say good-bye to your free will Albel," She pressed a button
"NOOO!" and all went black
A few hours later…
"I hate you…" Albel said maliciously
"Oh come on, you had fun, just admit it!" Nel grinned
"…I had no free will or thought, remember?"
"True…but at least we've got pictures!" Nel threw some on the table
There was one where Albel was partying up a storm, wearing a bikini with a lampshade on his head, another showed him getting chased around an arena by a bull, a red flag tied around his waste. Still another showed the poor swordsman with his arm around Sir Shelby, grinning, you know, like they were actually FRIENDS. There were several more showing Albel doing ridiculous and humiliating feats.
"I still hate you…especially since I'm sure you have more copies of these pictures,"
"Well……" Nel gave him an innocent look. Suddenly the door of the studio slammed open and there was Shelby with an idiotic grin on his face
"BUDDY!" He ran at Albel. Weirded out that his enemy was flying at him with a huge grin and hug posture, Albel dodged and Shelby flew out the window at an incredible speed.
"That didn't just happen," Albel muttered darkly
"Um…oookkk…GirlWaterShaman your up next," Nel said
"Here's some questions for Albel, how do you survive surrounded by all these idiots?" GirlWaterShaman asked
Albel got a triumphant, pity-me sort of look on his face, "Well it's hard sometimes, I mean, someone as great as me…"
"I'm wondering right now who is the judge of who and what an idiot is," Nel interrupted
"Screw you," Albel glared at her
"How did you get so hot and sexy," GirlWaterShaman asked another question
"Well," he began with a smug look on his face, "I was born good looking but because of my perseverance and training I've become even hotter,"
"Oh please," Nel snorted, "You're so full of yourself,"
"You're just jealous," Albel retorted
" Next question, is there anyone you don't call a maggot?"
"He doesn't usually call me a maggot. It's usually 'wretch'. And he calls Fayt and Cliff, 'fool' and 'idiot' respectively," Nel answered for him
"Jeez take up my spotlight why don't you?" Albel said sarcastically.
"Did you know that 'bah' is a famous saying of Ebenezer Scrooge?" GirlWaterShaman asked
"…Never mind…just remember, he says that,"
"Does that mean it's copyrighted?" Nel asked
"Crap…if it is I'm done for…" Albel groaned
"And my last question for Albel, do you have a girl friend? Besides Nel I mean,"
"NO! Women are weak fools…and Nel is the biggest fool of them all which is why she is a wretch," Albel answered
"Gee…I feel loved…I swear there's going to be a feminist mob coming in here pretty soon ego-boy"
"Let me at 'em…I can take them all,"
"…you're going to die,"
"Ok then…well here's some questions for Nel. First off, How do you deal with Farleen's squeaky voice day after day?" GirlWaterShaman began questioning again
"….um….weeeellll…" Nel stammered
"She can't deal with it," Albel supplied
"Yeah I can! With earplugs…" she finally admitted
"Have you ever thought of growing your hair longer?" The questions just kept coming,
"No, because having short hair is more practical for spying and fighting…it doesn't get in the way as much,"
"Ok, did it take a long time to learn runology?"
"Yes, it took quite a few years to master the techniques and rune symbols…plus it hurts like hell to get burned with those symbols," Nel grimaced
"So how come it didn't take me long to learn?" Albel asked grinning
"…because, it didn't hurt you to have the symbols engraved onto your metal arm, and plus you still can't use runology to save your life because you still suck at it," Nel shot back
"…anyway, for my last question, what was your most embarrassing moment with Fayt and the gang so far?"
"…Probably when I walked in on Mirage and Cliff making out…or when I caught Fayt dancing around in his underwear singing 'Like A Virgin'" Nel shuddered
"Did you really do that?" Albel asked, curiosity getting the best of him
"Yeah…I think I got some pictures around here of it too…only they will scar you for life…" Nel shuddered again before regaining composure, "lil-creator you're on the air!"
"ooo! I want to do a dare! Plllleeeeaaassseee?" lil-creator exclaimed
"Get on with it maggot," Albel sneered
"Nel I dare you to dress Albel up as a girl for a week,"
"WHAT?!" Albel yelled
"Boy I don't know…" Nel stared at Albel
"Tell ya what, we'll just make the dare for one day,"
"His day is already ruined as is," Nel snickered, "Too bad I didn't save that remote for now,"
"You dress me up as a girl I swear I'll chop your head off," Albel threatened
"I could fix the attitude problem and fashion disaster but I don't think I could fix everything…" Nel said staring at Albel
"What now?" Albel said, staring back at her
"you're not too hot or humid are you Albel?" asked lil-creator
"You hair looks the part," Nel supplied
"Of course that could be that extremely strong gel at work," lil-creator shrugged
"Well the hair could be a problem…I mean, he wouldn't be a proper girl without a proper hair-style," Nel said
"Double dare you…" lil-creator taunted
"…ok," Nel shrugged
"NO WAY!" Albel screamed
"Ninja strike!" and again everything went black
A while later…
"Ta-da!" Nel unveiled her masterpiece, Albel in a pink frilly dress, hair in pigtails (pink ribbons of course), and tied up tight.
"Albela Nox!" lil-creator laughed
"I hate you all!" Albel finally managed to break free of his bonds and rushed out of the room, reappearing a few minutes later in his normal getup but looking very disgruntled and grumpy.
"So now for some questions," lil-creator said
"Haven't you done enough?" Albel glared at no one in particular
"Nope, Nel, how many times have you wanted to kill Farleen?"
"…many many times," Nel said
"And she's still here?"
"The friggen priest keeps reviving her,"
"Hey, isn't that him now?" Albel pointed out the window
"why that little…" and Nel rushed out of the room. The sounds of an extreme beating were heard outside, followed by a man's screams. Nel came back disheveled but somewhat satisfied
"Isn't that loud worm going to be mad when she finds out you wanted to kill her?" Albel asked
"No chance…I sent her into the far reaches of the Mosel dunes….I'm hoping she dries up to a crisp out there," Nel said a bit evilly
"Well that's all I've got…but I am kind of sad that Albel couldn't follow through with that dare…"
"fat chance of that ever happening fool" Albel muttered
"So I've got a nice little gift for you Nel. It's a dressing room key! Now any time Albel messes up you can send him in there…my special 'team' already knows what to do." lil-creator laughed manically
"Damn…." Albel cringed
"and you see that keychain I gave you with the nice little button labeled 'Electrocution'? Well just press it and Albel will be out cold…I stuck a nice little sensor on him on my last visit and it's pretty much impossible to get off…oh the joys of super glue…bye!" and lil-creator signed out
"Life just sucks…sucks badly" Albel moaned
"Oh lighten up…just remember…if the world didn't suck we would all fall off" Nel tried being philosophical
"Jeez your concern is touching," Albel glared at her
"Skyhart, you're on the air," Nel said
"I'm just wondering what you two thought of space," Skyhart said
"…well it's black and empty," Albel said grumpily
"Oh liven up the show's almost over," Nel chided, "Space was fine…lots of spaceships and planets, and of course it's quite interesting when Cliff tries navigating through an asteroid field, or by a black hole…I don't trust him at all anymore,"
"Also what do you think of horoscopes?" Skyhart asked
"What's a horoscope?" Albel wondered
"It's those things…with the funny looking people and animals…you're a Pisces I think…I'm not sure…another one of Fayt's 'talks' that I tuned out," Nel shrugged
"Oh yeah…Um…I think it's fish," Albel said
"…congratulations General Obvious, you've just been promoted to Captain," Nel said sarcastically
"I don't really believe in horoscopes…they are pretty entertaining to watch though…especially when Albel's turns out to be rotten…like he will get trampled by ostriches or something.
"Ha ha very funny," Albel scowled at her
"And our last caller, Mithrilsword Magechild," Nel said
"First off, where are the Star Ocean comics? I want one!" Mithrilsword Magechild asked
"We have a comic?" Nel asked back
"I have NO idea where you'd find one…sorry," Nel said
"Oh well, anyway, why haven't you killed, Roger, Adray, Sophia, and Peppita yet? If I was there, that'd be one of my first missions."
"Well Adray we really can't get close to…he kinda…well…he's just one of those people you love to hate…so annoying…" Nel said
"Roger won't come near me," Albel explained
"Sophia…eh…she's kinda important…she's a weapon or whatever they're called," Nel looked up at the sky in thought
"and I won't go near Peppita…for some odd reason she's been trying to get me married to a toaster…NOT pretty," Albel cowered in fear of the toaster
"You're weird…" Nel raised an eyebrow
"And last but not least…for a nice little dare I want Nel to dye Albel's hair pink!"
"WHAT?!" Albel yelled
"Ooo…this will be fun," Nel grinned and pressed the 'Electrocution' button
A little while later…
"Anyone want a job as co-host?" Albel asked bitterly as he sat, tied up again, with bright pink hair
"The king and queen won't let you leave," Nel informed him
"This was a very interesting episode,"
"Interesting? More like humiliating and degrading,"
"You poor baby…although I do have to admit that getting your dignity back after this will be hard…" Nel laughed
"Everyone sucks! Now get me out of here!!!" Albel screamed rocking the chair he was tied to, and succeeding in tipping it over
"Well we hope you enjoyed this very special edition of Ask Alnel," Nel started
"I hope you all die horrible and miserable deaths!" Albel yelled from his position on the floor,"
"And the Albel outfit tracker count today?" Nel looked at the screen, "7! Join us next time on another edition of Ask Alnel!"
(A/N: Boy that took forever…but I hope you like this and don't kill me for lateness. Sorry again if I tweaked questions but I think it worked out ok…some of the dares were the ones that got messed with so sorry! Oh yeah before I forget…I'm not sure where the 7 on the Albel Outfit Tracker came from…I think it just kinda randomly appeared…darn pop up numbers lol)