Summary: While following a suspect Sara and Grissom find themselves in a. . .ahem . . .awkward situation. G/S
Author's notes: PLEASE READ: The first time, this fic got pulled off because I had erred in the rating, and although I added a few things, you're not looking at anything new. The second time, I saw I had posted the story twice so I erased one copy. Surprise, surprise! I removed both duplicate and original (don't ask me how, I'm still trying to puzzle that one out).
If you like this story (despite all its flaws) let me know; if you don't have the time to review, say "CrazyAngel" three times while you think positive thoughts. I might win the lottery or something this way.
What? It's a theory.
If you can't find any redeeming features whatsoever, flame me. Just let me know in advance so I can slip into my fire-retardant jump suit.
Immense thanks to all the wonderful souls that reviewed my last fic. An no, reviewing the fic did not mean automatic death. I should've explained the mechanics of reviewing better.
I'm almost sure Peggie did the beta'ing on this like, eons ago; so thanks to her. If another beta did it, please feel free to e-mail me and call me names.
"Grissom, you know. . .what we're doing could be considered harassment," Sara said as she and Grissom watched William Ronaldson. Their suspect stepped out of his flashy sports car and swaggered across the parking lot with his sassy girlfriend, who was bouncing around him like an carefree puppy.
Grissom shook his head. Poor woman is dumber than a box of hairshe thought.
Grissom grabbed a tall Styrofoam cup from the SUV's dashboard. "I know the law, remember?" He sipped his iced tea, the cold liquid ran down his throat, refreshing him from the inside out. He glanced at his partner in crime.
"You can go back to the lab anytime you want. Take a lunch break . . ." he suggested but Sara smiled lopsidedly and shook her head.
"Yeah, lunch break, paper work, trim my bonsai tree. . .. I was just wondering what you were thinking. I want to find out where that creep hid the body, too."
She sipped her diet coke through a badly chewed red straw.
Grissom's blue eyes wandered to Sara's lips as she absently chewed the straw flat, while she followed William Rolandson's movements with a hawk's eye.
Momentarily, Grissom wished he were the straw.
"Do you always batter your straws like that?" he asked after tearing his gaze from her lips and absently squinting up just in time to see Ronaldson & Co. disappear through the building's entrance door.
Sara slowly swiveled her head towards him, straw still squashed between her teeth and a playful twinkle in her eyes. She was about to reply when Grissom spoke again.
"C'mon, the eagle has landed. Maybe this is the place," he said, still harbouring some hope of getting a break in the case.
He finished what was left of his iced tea in one big gulp, slid on his dark sunglasses and climbed out of the Tahoe.
The eagle had landed many times that day. Some busy eagle, Sara thought as she exited the car and followed Grissom. One shopping mall, a supermarket, two sex shops, "Chantelle's Scented Candles" and a pet shop.
She quickened her strides to keep up with Grissom's keyed up pace, shaking her head at Grissom's behavior. The man could be amusing without even knowing it.
When Grissom had a hunch, he pursued it doggedly, like a hound on a hot trail, tail wagging, nose sniffing the air. He was convinced that wacko had hid the body somewhere and being the fruitcake the guy was, Grissom assumed he'd hid the body somewhere freaky. Sara had concurred with the theory but. . .
She cocked her head at the sign. You want freaky, you got freaky.
"Griss, I seriously doubt he hid a body at a Couple's Spa. . .," Sara whispered to Grissom as he pushed the door open for her.
Grissom gave her a glance that said: stranger things have happened.
After acting like two Spa regulars and pretending to admire posters with all the Kama Sutra positions when a couple eyed them suspiciously, Sara spotted the elusive couple.
Sara thanked God for that because she and Grissom had both been invited to join in a ménage à trois by two different couples. Grissom had surprised her by answering each time that 'we have our nights covered, thankyouverymuch'.
"There he is with Miss One-brain-cell-Boob-job." Sara gestured towards them with her head.
Grissom laid out the odd plan of attack.
"Ok, we'll follow them around, see if he acts suspicious around any place in particular," he said, taking Sara by the arm and steering her through the hallways, always keeping a safe distance from the suspect.
"What if we find it? How do you plan on getting a warrant? They guy lawyer-ed up and--"
Grissom held up a hand, palm facing her. "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it," Grissom whispered. "For now, all we have to do is follow him and his Las Vegas Barbie. He'll let us know where the body is."
Sara nodded in agreement. "Ok, just testing the waters," she paused and then hesitantly added. "One more thing though. . .Could you stop shoving me against a wall every time you think he might turn around. You land on my side but my side lands on concrete," Sara complained, rubbing the side of her arm.
He glanced at her arm and looked up. "Sorry."
And follow they did. . .until, after a moment's distraction in which the Salsa instructor tried to Cha-cha with Grissom, the couple vanished down a long hallway. Grissom and Sara darted to the last place they'd seen them and found an opening that led to a large patio. They went through it and . . .
. . .they stood frozen in place at the sight of dozens of couples kissing and coddling. Sitting on benches, under trees, each one seemed to have a private zone away from the rest. Grissom gulped and surveyed the scene with intrigued eyes.
Sara smiled and slowly arched an eyebrow. "You know, I had a dream like this one once," she confessed, jabbing a finger in the air. "Everybody was kissing somebody else except for me. I felt so odd."
"Well. . ." -Grissom paused to scratch the back his head- "this is a Couple's Spa after all."
Picturing the brochure Sara started, " 'Bring your better half to our spa and get asked to join a ménage à trois by strange kinky people, it will surely strengthen your bond.' Agh, Vegas. I would--"
Sara never got a chance to finish.
A loud lady of about sixty-years-old was striding towards them like an F-5 tornado. She swept her arms wide and pulled Sara and Grissom against herself in an forced hug as if she knew them from childhood. Pressed against the woman's chest, the CSIs looked at each other across her bony shoulders.
Just when Grissom thought he was going to cough up his lungs, the woman let them free. . . in a matter of speaking.
"Ahhhhh," she shirked, clapping her hands together.
Sara recoiled and grasped Grissom's arm in surprise. It had been a really sudden, loud scream. Grissom eyes darted around, looking for the suspect, he figured he should settle the woman down first. Stalking suspects required a certain degree of anonymity.
"What an adorable couple you are! My name is Nora but everyone calls me Choo-choo. Like a train. Choo-choo!" she added as she tugged down on an imaginary string.
Gee, I just can't imagine why, Sara thought.
A few key word repeated in the CSIs minds: adorable couple? The were suddenly registered.
"Oh, NO we're not---" Sara stammered but again the woman drowned Sara's voice with her own.
"Look. At. You," she said, scanning Sara from head to toe.
Sara glanced at herself, fearing that something was wrong. Sara was, to put it mildly, surprised by Choo-Choo's next move.
The woman wasn't much higher than her shoulder but she reached up to Sara's face and with a vice-grip force squeezed her cheeks together. The scary woman brought Sara's face to her eye level and pouted, mirroring Sara's forced pout as the woman constricted her cheeks together with the palms of her hands.
For reasons unknown, but that probably stemmed from a serious mental illness, Grissom noted 'Choo-choo' spoke to Sara as if she were a cute, cuddly three-year-old.
"Look at that pretty pouty mouth. Look at those splendorous, fascinating brown eyes," she snapped Sara's face towards Grissom.
He tilted his head curiously and screwed up his face in a sympathetic gesture. He knew Sara must be in pain; that woman had long nails. Sara looked at him. 'Help' was written in her eyes.
'Splendorous and fascinating', Grissom repeated to himself with amusement, she forgot to add 'terrified'.
"I see them." Grissom opted for satisfying the obviously crazed woman. "I see them every day. Could you let her go--?"
She snapped Sara's face back to her.
"Ah, you look like my granddaughter," she said scanning he from head-to-toe now. "A bit on the skinny side but with those legs, who cares right?" She turned to Grissom. "Bet you love to use those as a scarf?"
Behind his dark glasses, Grissom gave her one of his trademark dubious eye-squints. This was spinning out of control.
"And really-BEAUtiful eyes! I could scoop them out with my very own hands and keep 'em," she added.
Normally Sara wouldn't have taken the comment in the literal sense but with this woman she wasn't so sure.
"Please don't." Sara managed an unconvincing curl of the corners of her mouth.
The woman was no longer listening. She let go of Sara and shifted her overwhelming attention to Grissom. Sara was glad, her cheeks were glad as well.
"And. Look. At. You- you hunk!" After the word 'hunk' she pretended to take a hungry bite out of the air. Grissom recoiled his head.
Choo-choo then glanced skywards, as if thanking God for sending such a beautiful creature to Earth. She stood like that long enough for Grissom and Sara to be curious and glance up too.
Looking up, Grissom was caught off guard, as Sara had been when she'd been looking down. Maybe Choo-choo used that trick on everyone, to snare you into her elderly hands, Sara thought.
Strong, claw-like hands grasped the sides of his face and drew them towards her wrinkled features.
Grissom's eyebrows peeked over the rim of his glasses, putting on the same pleading face he had as a toddler when he was about to be attacked by a herd of cheek-crazy relatives.
"I mean look at you. . .," she ran a knotty hand over Grissom's hair, ruffling it a bit and winked. ". . .handsome."
She turned to Sara, still gripping Grissom's face.
"What is it with men and grey hair? They make them look so goddamn sexy! Makes me wanna. . .aghh," she roared. As swiftly as she'd captured his face, she let him go. Grissom shifted his jaw from side to side.
"If I were 20 years younger and with a new titanium hip you would have to beat me off with a stick," Choo-choo confessed.
I want to beat you with a stick right now, Grissom thought.
Choo-Choo peeked around at Grissom's backside. "Nice butt, too. Quite squish-able."
Sara resisted the temptation to look. She'd checked out that backside years ago but Grissom of course, never knew. Sara had a decent mental image though.
Sliding his dark glasses over his head, Grissom tried to reason again. "Listen-"
The woman grasped at her chest and staggered backwards as if about to faint. Sara thought she was having a stroke.
For a second she was kind of grateful.
"OH MY GOODNESS! Hold me down and chain me to a wall because I think I cannot control myself! May I compliment you on those astonishing blue eyes, they take the air right out of my lungs."
Unfortunately, not enough air to pass out and leave us alone, Grissom thought, scratching his beard impatiently.
After that display of seriously-ready-for-a-round-of-electroshocks mental unbalance, Sara wanted to grope for her gun and tell the geriatric sexual harasser to back off and step away from Grissom.
Choo-choo fanned her face with her hand as she sighed. "You've made an old woman blush." She turned to Sara. "Don't you just love him honey?"
Sara forced a smile and nodded hesitantly. Ok, no gun for now, she thought.
"Yeah. He's a bit bossy though."
Choo-choo waved a dismissive hand. "Ah, sweetie, all men are. They like to be in control," she explained, as if she'd dealt with the problem herself.
Grissom listened wryly to the conversation. They shouldn't be drawing this much attention to themselves. "Ma'am we came here by mista-"
"Shush, squishy-tush. I know you two are having some . . .couple. . . predicaments? Don't worry. We can solve them here. From sex to mother's-in-law. I'm an expert-"
Sara rolled her eyes and shook her head. "But we're not-"
"I wish to see those cherry lips pressed together while I'm speaking, hon," Choo-choo commanded with a sweet but firm smile.
Choo-choo whisked two glasses full of a red liquid from a waiter who happened to glide by and practically shoved them into Sara and Grissom's faces so that they had no other choice but to drink them.
Grissom and Sara briefly glanced at each other and shrugged. What the heck.
With the tasty liquid still on their mouths Sara and Grissom smiled and showed their appreciation. They had to be polite in order not to attract any more undo attention -if they hadn't blown their cover already.
Choo-choo beamed at them. Grissom and Sara had another sip. "You like it? Yes?" She was nodding enthusiastically, answering her own question. "It's potent aphrodisiac."
Blue and brown eyes flickered impossibly wide, cheeks swelled up with the liquid they were supposed to be swallowing.
Another couple arrived and called out to Choo-choo who swirled around. As the woman waved at the new couple, promising to be with them in a minute. Grissom and Sara twirled on their heels and spat out their drinks into twin bushes located at either side of the door.
They all turned around at the same time.
Choo-choo started talking again. She took the glasses from their hands and put them back on the same tray without looking as the waiter passed by.
"Now, let's begin. You put your hands there. . .you rest you hand here," she continued as she moved around them.
Grissom and Sara resisted. But Grissom's 'what are you doing?' and Sara's 'I think we need to go' went unheard by a concentrated Choo-choo. The CSIs were so astounded that they were like clay in the woman's hands.
At the end, Grissom's hands were on Sara's waist and her hands were around his shoulders.
Choo-choo titled her head to appreciate her work just as a sculptor would look at her later masterpiece. With her thumb and index finger she delicately lowered Grissom's hand a bit to the south of Sara's lower back.
Sara looked away from Grissom, eyes as big as saucers.
Choo-choo nodded, satisfied. "That's better. Couples should be close to each other during each session. That's a must with me. Now, first thing's first. Have you kissed good morning?"
"No." They replied without looking at each other.
Choo-choo seemed outraged but curious. "What did you do then?"
They were still in the position the woman had put them on which was: very close. Temperatures were rising fast.
"We said. . .'hi'," Grissom answered. In fact, they hadn't even exchanged a simple 'hi'. Sara had just said 'hey' and he'd nodded on his way to his office.
The old lady shook her head. "Bad, bad. We need to work on that, I've seen couples break up for less that that. Well sweets, I'm going to greet my friends over there," she pointed a couple sitting on a bench.
"I'm going to keep an eye on you two lovebirds, don't try to escape. I know it takes a lot of courage to ask for help but you've taken the first step, I'm not going to allow you to take a step back. So, go team! But, if I don't see you kissing good morning when I get back I'm going to make a scandal."
The woman turned around and Grissom and Sara practically bounced off each other as if suddenly they'd transformed into magnets with opposite polarity.
"She's worse than my Aunt Harriet. She used to pinch my cheeks raw every Christmas," Grissom mused and adverting his eyes from Sara he asked: "Are you ok?"
Sara rubbed her cheeks and nodded. "I'm used to it, I'm the youngest and my mother had three older sisters that used to bring their spinster friends to family reunions. I was four, they were forty, you do the math."
Grissom mouthed an 'ouch'. Sara looked around and quickly spotted the suspect and his girlfriend smooching right, left and center under the shade of a tree.
They've been here before, Sara concluded, not in the least surprised.
"There he is," she whispered. Grissom risked a peek in the direction Sara was pointing and quickly stepped between Sara and the suspect to block her from plain view.
"Shhh, don't speak so loud." Grissom was beginning to regret ever setting a foot in the Spa, if they were discovered Sara would get in trouble just because he was a bad example.
"Oh here she comes. Uh-oh, he's looking our way. She's looking our way now. She's not happy, Grissom."
Grissom's eyes darted from Choo-Choo to Sara and back to the Choo-Choo. He took a deep breath. "Act natural" were the first words that he could think of.
Sara looked at him with a I-beg-your-pardon expression. "That's an oxymoron."
Choo-choo was not thrilled by the sight. Then she saw the man cup the woman's face in his hand and kiss her on the lips. Choo-choo smiled. Mission accomplished.
Grissom blamed it on the aphrodisiac, that had to be it. The other option was that he'd left his brain on his bedside table when he went to bed and forgot to put it back in when he woke up.
At first Sara figured she was daydreaming again. Like the time Grissom was reeling on about bugs and antennae when, without any warning, her overactive imagination took over and they were doing it in the layout room Bugs had never been so interesting.
This time though, she wasn't imagining things.
The kiss was not a wild river of passion but a serene flowing creek, smooth and soothing like a baby's lullaby. Not you regular lusty, slobbery kiss but not your run of the mill touch of the lips of Hollywood movies in the forties either.
Most important of all, it was delicious enough for both of them to start wondering why the hell weren't they doing it all the time.
"Well, well, that's enough Romeo," Choo-choo said as she sauntered over to them and patted Grissom's arm to get his attention and continue with the next step of their therapy.
Sara and Grissom continued to. . .err. . . taste each other and memorize each others teeth, crowns and fillings (if there were any). Choo-choo sighed, she was really pleased but they had more work to do.
She tapped on Sara's shoulder now. "Juliet hon, time out. Time for a little breather."
Sara and Grissom lips gradually and reluctantly grew apart as they stumbled out of the sweet trance they'd enter into. They stood side by side and sighed in unison.
If I smoked, I'd be lighting a cigarette right now, Sara thought.
Both glanced opposite ways and ran the tips of their tongues over their upper lips.
"Good, you'll finish that tonight. We've solved that first problem," Choo-choo declared, giving them both a affectionate pat on the arm. "Don't you just feel closer now than you did before? Anyway, you can come in now and find a nice cozy spot-"
Grissom saw the suspect and the girlfriend leave the patio through another exit. He nudged Sara on the ribs to gestured in their direction. They had to get rid of Choo-choo or they were going to lose the creep.
"We have to. . ." Grissom started.
Sara pitched in, ". . .leave. See, ah-we-"
Choo-choo frowned. "But you can't leave now! You have problems to solve, fences to mend, places to caress. You don't want to neglect your relationship. You've-"
Grissom had had it.
Places to caress? All he needed now was a cold shower for Christ Sake. A cold shower, ice cubes to chew and a nice crossword puzzle with no tongues in it.
"Mrs. Choo-choo, does this beautiful creature with -how did you put it?- 'splendorous brown eyes' look neglected to you?" He waved at Sara who, in perfect synchronization to get the point across, smiled broadly and shook her head 'no'.
Grissom went on. "Our relationship is healthy, you see. . ."
While Grissom droned on, Sara scanned the woman's face and discovered that she looked at Grissom as if he were speaking in Swahili. Choo-choo wasn't buying it.
Time to end this once and for all, Sara thought with determination. Time to say something Choo-choo could understand.
She stepped in front of Grissom and stared right into Choo-choo's unconvinced eyes.
"We have sex four times a day," Sara said with a smile. She held up her hand. "Five times on weekends. Quickies, nooners . . .anything and everything."
Behind her, Grissom's lips parted, his jaw dropped a few shocked degrees. The Master of Bugs looked at Sara's neck as if he were five and she's just screamed the F-word in the middle of the playground.
Choo-choo waved a hand. "Oooooh! Why didn't you say that before?"
"We came here for the Cha-Cha lessons." Sara smiled and with a hand behind her back pushed Grissom's in the abdomen, ushering him towards the door. As he stepped back, Grissom looked down at Sara's hand and thought he might need a liquid nitrogen shower.
"We really, really, really must go," Sara insisted as she kept taking steps back, away from the woman.
Choo-choo waved goodbye and told them to come back.
In the hallway, Grissom shook his head for a full minute before actually speaking.
"I'll come back the day Earth starts rotating backwards," he muttered.
Sara smiled and was about to reply when she spotted the couple entering another room. "There they are!"
They crept toward the door but stopped dead when they heard a woman's voice that appeared to be giving a class on . . .something.
" . . .now stretch your right leg over your partners left shoulder. . .there you go. . ."
After a pregnant pause and a moment of meditation, Grissom leaned over Sara's shoulder and spoke in a hushed voice.
"Maybe we should wait in the car till they come out."
There's a song by Bob Marley that goes like this:Don't worry, about a thing
Cos all you have to do is
Is review a fic
Ok, so I might've tweaked the lyrics a bit.