Okay, so... this is going to basically be a series of one-shots. It's pretty much me fillingin holes I saw in the episodes. Obviously this one is Pre-Pilot from John's POV. Hope you enjoy and drop me a line :)

DISCLAIMER: Not my characters, I'm just borrowing. :)

I've done some things I'm not exactly proud of. I've sunk to levels even the lowest criminals on earth would shake their heads at. But it was necessary. Knowing that is what keeps me warm at night. Knowing that keeps me from taking those tools of death to my own head and blowing my own brains out and ending it all.

Ending the pain.

Not just my pain. My sons' pain. I know it hurts them. What we do. Every time I miss a call I know their chests are constricted with panic. Every time we get separated the minutes slither by with agonizing slowness.

I know because I feel it too.

I'm not what you would call a great father. I try my damn hardest, but sometimes it's not enough. Sometimes you can try and try and try, but things just go wrong. That's what happened. I tried and I tried to protect my boys.

Too bad I didn't see it until it was too late.

I was the one hurting them.


Their own father.

I was the source of their pain.

Of their anxiety.

Of their hatred.

I was the reason they weren't happy anymore… although I don't remember a time when any of us were happy. I haven't been really, truly happy since my wife died.

Died isn't correct.

Murder is more like it.

Ever since that sick son of a bitch killed my wife my days have been gray and cloudy. The light is gone from my soul and although I tried to keep Sam and Dean's bright and warm…

I shadow it.

How could dark protect the light?

By disappearing.

So that's what I did.

I know they won't understand… and I know they will hate me for it. Especially Dean. He's always been the good one. He's the one who listens and follows me even when I don't ask. He's everything a father could ask for and more.

But Sammy… my little Sammy. He's what held me together. When he left… That's when my light went out.

I haven't found the light switch yet.

I just hope someday they'll understand. They'll understand why I did this. I did it for them. I just hope they know that.

Dean, take care of your brother. You're his guide, always have been and you always will be. Know that I love you and I'm not abandoning you, Dean. Don't fear being alone, son. You're only alone if you think that way. Be strong, but not too strong. It's okay to be vulnerable… I know I've always said differently… but guess what, kid? Even I make mistakes… hell I've made a lot of them. But this isn't one of them. I know it doesn't make sense, but this is right. Have faith in me, kiddo. God knows I've always had a lot in you. I know you won't let me down.

And Samuel. I… I'm proud of you. Oh so proud of you. I know I didn't tell you, and I should have, but I'm telling you now. You didn't deserve this life, neither of you did. You deserved everything you wanted growing up and if I had the power to give it to you, I would have. I would have worked my fingers to the bone climbing to give you the stars. Damn it kid, I'm your father and I love you. I didn't tell you enough and I lost you for it. I know this doesn't make up for it and I don't know what ever will… but I regret not telling you I love and you amaze me with every breath you take.

Sammy, watch out for Dean. I know he's your big brother and all… but watch him. You know him as well as I do and he tends to be a little… well… gung-ho. You remember that one time in Georgia? You protected him then and I want you to do it now. Don't lose each other, you're stronger together. You're happier together… whole together. You keep him sane Sammy. Sometimes I worry that I've driven all the humanity from him… but every time I see you with him I see the old Dean come back. You save him, Sammy.

My boys, don't quit living. Don't shield your hearts from love or from pain. You have to feel it all to live. It was selfish of me to drag you into this life without giving you a good one first. You grew up too fast and I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I love you.

Your mother loves you.