Disclaimer: I do not receive any profit for my fanfictions, nor do I own Supernatural or Sam and Dean Winchester.

Title: Lose Yourself

Chapter Title: Chapter One

Set After: Sometime after 'Nightmares', but 'The Benders' quotes and memories will be mixed in later (after it airs next week).

Summary: Dean tried to tell Sam that it wasn't his fault, that he had no part in Jess or their mom dying… Sam didn't believe him. Now the guilt is causing him to go down a road that Dean might not be able to bring him back from. His depression is hitting the brothers fast and hard, and Sam can only be pushed so far before losing himself completely.

Warnings: probably a few typos here and there...


"Sam, what are you doing up?"

It was two in the morning, and Sam was researching on his laptop. He was trying to look up other deaths that were similar to Mary's death and Max's mother's death. Of course he wasn't really getting anywhere, but he had to try, right? He thought he was being quiet, but obviously not.

Sam looked over at Dean, who was staring at him through half way open eyes, obviously a little pissed off, concerned and tired. Yup, all rolled into one. "Researching," Sam said simply before looking back at the computer.

"Sam, get your ass to bed," Dean groaned, rolling over. He closed his eyes, listening for a few moments. When he realized the clicking and the key-typing wasn't coming to a stop anytime soon he rolled his eyes and got out of bed slowly. He rubbed his eyes, then walked over to Sam, pulling out his chair.

"Dean, what --" Dean then grabbed Sam, lifting him out. "Dean, let me go!"

Dean smirked sleepily and walked over to Sam's bed, dropping him down on it. "Sleep." Walking back over to the computer he saved the current addresses and turned the machine off before walking over to his own bed and laying down. "Night, Sam."

Sam groaned in annoyance. "Dean, I was busy."

Dean then heard the mattress creak, and looked over at his brother through the darkness. "If you don't go to sleep I'm gonna kick your ass."

Sam sighed and shook his head, pulling his covers over him. "Night, Dean."

Dean nodded in satisfaction, rolling over in his bed, closing his eyes. "Good Sammy. Tomorrow I'll give you a treat."

Sam rolled his eyes, though he was smirking slightly. Shaking his head, he didn't say another word, and quickly drifted off to sleep.


Dean yawned, opening his eyes. He looked around the room, finding that Sam was back on the computer. He looked over at the clock. It was eight in the morning. He shook his head and got out of bed slowly, walking over to his little brother. "How long have you been up?"

"A couple hours," Sam said, not taking his eyes off the screen. "Why?"

"Damn, Sam, you need to go back to bed," Dean said, rubbing his face slightly.

"No," Sam said distractedly, starting to read up on a case.

"What is it?" Dean asked, leaning over his shoulder.

"A house burned down about ten years ago. A woman died in it. Her husband said that she was pinned to the ceiling, gutted, over their newborn's crib." Sam looked up at Dean. "The paper says the kid's now in a 'special' hospital. They're saying he's gone insane because he probably remembers, even at that age. The kid thinks that he can freeze time."

Dean rolled his eyes. "You're not still on your 'The demon kills the mothers of psychic kids' trip, are you?"

"Dean, it matches. Mom, Max's mom, this lady's death, countless other deaths I've looked up... Dean, you can't deny the facts," Sam said, motioning to the computer screen.

Dean groaned, sitting back down on his bed. "And this is what you've been working on all night?"

Sam watched his brother carefully, nodding. "Yeah. Dean, after what Max told me I couldn't just ignore it."

"Yes you could have," Dean said, crossing his arms. "I told you that Mom and Jess's death had nothing to do with you. Why the hell do you insist on jumping into dangerous territory?"

"Dean, Dad didn't want us to look for the demon with him --"

"He said it was dangerous for all of us --"

"What he meant was that it was dangerous for me. Dean, it's obvious, alright? The demon wants psychic children and he'll stop at nothing to get them. He'll kill anyone he has to. Dad didn't want us to help look for the demon because of me. It all makes sense. Max had powers and look what happened to his mom. All these other kids show some kind of psychic ability and their mothers died the same way, too. Some of there fathers even did. It makes sense."

"Then what about Jess, huh? How does she fit into this?" Dean asked, obviously starting to get more than a little annoyed.

"Maybe it came back for another go at me, I don't know," Sam said, shrugging. "But Jess got in the way so he took care of her." Sam sighed, standing up. "Dean, I'm the reason Mom and Jess are dead."

"No you're not, Sam!" Dean yelled, also standing up. "You have to stop beating yourself up like this! It's not your fault!"

"Stop beating myself up?" Sam asked, staring at Dean like his brother obviously didn't know what he was talking about. "Dean, how would you feel if you were in my shoes, huh? Would you just let it go?"

"No, I wouldn't! That's why we're hunting the damn thing, Sam!" Dean yelled, shaking his head in disbelief. He closed his eyes for a second, calming himself down. After a few moments he looked back at Sam, his eyes almost pleading. "Sam, say we were in each other's shoes, alright? Would you want me laying the blame on myself? Would you?"

"No, but --"

"I'm sick and tired of you saying that it's your fault! I'm tired of you carrying the guilt around when you deserve better!" Dean yelled, his temper rising quickly again. "News flash: The world doesn't revolve around Sam!"

"I never said it did!" Sam yelled back, staring at his brother with a shocked expression.

"You're sure acting like it!" Dean yelled. " 'Oh, I'm responsible for Mom's death' 'I'm responsible for Jess's death' 'I'm responsible for the curse laid out on my family' 'I'm responsible for the pain my brother and father go through because my mother died, which, remember, was my fault'! You need to just shut the hell up before I make you!"

"You know what, Dean? Screw you." Sam glared at his brother before grabbing his bag.

"Sam, where are you going?" Dean demanded, following Sam as he started towards the door. When Sam opened the door up Dean put a hand on it, slamming it shut. "You're not leaving."

"Try and stop me," Sam growled before pushing Dean out of the way and leaving the motel room.

"Sam, get your ass back here!" Dean yelled, storming after him. When Sam didn't stop, Dean glared at his back. "Fine! Leave! I can kill just as many things without having to lug your ass around!"

"Fine!" Sam yelled back, not bothering to turn around; he just kept on walking.

"Fine!" Dean yelled once more before storming into the motel room and slamming the door.


The night Dean sat in front of the computer, searching for his next gig. He could do without Sam, he really could. Hell, he had done it before, so why would this time be any different?

Because you want him here...

Dean shook his head. "No. I don't need him. He left and that's his problem." Focusing back on the computer screen, he willed himself to forget about his brother. Sam was safe, he knew how to take care of himself. He was fine... he had to be...

RING, RING

Dean groaned in annoyance and walked over to the table between the beds, grabbing his cell phone. He sighed in relief when he noticed what it said: Call From: Sam. Dean picked it up immediately. "Sam?"

"Dean, I think something's after me."

"What?" Dean asked, his eyes going wide. "Sam, where are you?"

"Just outside Gary's Bar and Grill."

"Alright, go back inside and stay put. I'll be there soon, alright?" Dean walked over to the laptop, saving his sites before shutting the machine down and closing it.

"Okay, I will... Hey, Dean?"

"What, Sam?" Dean asked, grabbing his jacket and pulling it on.

"I'm sorry."

Dean sighed, nodding slightly. "Remember: Go back inside and stay put. Do you got that?"

"I'm headed inside right now... Okay, I'm inside."

"Good. Call me if anything happens," Dean said before hanging up his phone and grabbing his keys. He started out the door, determined the make sure his little brother was safe. One little fight wasn't going to change anything... was it?


Dean: Let's count the stories where Sam gets hurt, shall we? Thoughtless Memories, Future Consequences, Fight for Survival, Life Changes, and now this one, Lose Yourself. And let's not forget one of your one-shots, Protect Me. Haley, I know I've asked this a million times, but why in the hell do you always torture my brother?

Sam: Does she really have to explain it all over again?

Dean: Yes, she does!

Haley: I enjoy it!

Dean: That's twisted! Balls hand into fist. I don't normally like to hit chicks, but you --

Sam: Haley, you should probably rephrase.

Haley: I should, huh? Okay, fine. Even though I've explained this a million times already.

Dean: A million and one never hurt anybody.

Haley: I enjoy it, but not in the way you would think. I don't enjoy hurting Sam, that's no fun to write. I feel really bad about it, actually. But this was such a good story scenario that I couldn't pass it up. I mean, really, I had a list of, like, five. This seemed like the best one. Cause, as everyone has probably already guessed, Life Changes is coming to a close pretty soon and I wanted a story to fall back on so I wasn't completely bored and uninspired. But I do feel really bad about hurting you again, Sam! Hugs Sam tightly!

Sam: Smiling. Haley, it's fine. Really. Dean may not understand that they're just stories but I do.

Haley: Yay! I love my Sammy Wammy!

Dean: First Deany Weany and now Sammy Wammy? You're... God, I don't even know what you are.

Haley: Anyway, like I said, it's not the 'Sam getting hurt' part that I like. It's the 'Dean turning into an overprotective older brother' part that I just die for. That a lot of people die for, actually. My readers love it when you do that. And, you know... a lot of my readers are chicks, Dean.

Dean: Really? Well, then carry on!

Haley: Big grin! I knew you'd see it my way eventually. Anyway, stay tuned for the next chapter of my newest story! Love ya'll!