Disclaimer: I do not receive any profit for my fanfictions, nor do I own Supernatural or Sam and Dean Winchester.
Title: Lose Yourself
Chapter Title: Chapter Twelve
Set After: 'Something Wicked'
Summary: Dean tried to tell Sam that it wasn't his fault, that he had no part in Jess or their mom dying… Sam didn't believe him. Now the guilt is causing him to go down a road that Dean might not be able to bring him back from. His depression is hitting the brothers fast and hard, and Sam can only be pushed so far before losing himself completely.
Warnings: probably a few typos here and there...
Christina glared at Sam, stepping forward slowly. Her eyes turned blue as she knelt down in front of him. "I said: it was all your fault, you know that, right?"
Sam's eyes suddenly turned blue, and he nodded slowly. His next words were in monotone, and he seemed completely out of it. Like he wasn't in control. "Yeah. I know. Everything was my fault."
"Damnit," Dean muttered.
Christina smirked and looked over at Dean, her eyes still a radiant blue. God damnit, that girl was going to pay. Her whole family was psychotic. Sam wasn't the one who needed a shrink; they did. First Rebecca capturing them and feeding off Sam's depression, then Taylor and her whole 'I know you're in trouble but I'm not gonna be helping you guys' act, and now Christina forcing Sam to believe that everything was his fault right after he just got better. It pissed Dean off.
"Leave him alone," Dean growled, standing up slowly, keeping his eyes on the demon. God, this was all his fault. He didn't have to kill Rebecca. He was just mad at her for all the stuff she put Sammy through. But he didn't have to kill her. He knew that she'd lay off, having pissed the older brother off in a major way. But, yet, he still murdered the god damn bitch. Not that she didn't deserve it, cause she did. But… if Dean hadn't killed her, they wouldn't be in this mess right now. No. Wait. Only one Winchester could lay blame on themselves at a time. Dean had to have a clear head. For Sam. Once Sammy was better, then Dean could blame himself for being an unreasonable jackass.
"Now, really, why would I want to do that?" Christina asked, raising her eyebrows, her expression one of innocence. Yeah, right. Innocent. It was laughable.
"Because you're pissing off an older brother."
Christina smirked, looking Dean over for a second, before shrugging. "Yeah? Well, guess what? You pissed off an older sister. I think it's a fair trade, to be quite honest. Your brother for my sister." She looked over at Sam, seeing the obvious pain upon his face, before looking back at Dean. "You don't think so?"
Dean growled at the woman, glaring at her. "No, I don't. Your sister tried to sacrifice my brother, so I wasted her ass! She had what was coming to her! She deserved to die! He doesn't!"
Christina glared at Dean, before throwing out her hand in the direction of Sam. As she moved her hand up, Sam's body began to move upward, too, as he was slid against the wall. After a few moments his feet no longer touched the floor, and by the look in his eyes Dean could tell that the shock had turned him back to normal. Christina lifted up her pant leg and grabbed a knife from her shoe, before throwing it at Sam. It stopped right in front of him, in front of his neck.
Christina turned back to Dean, her eyes still glaring.. "You killed her," she growled, holding Dean up by his neck. "Do you know what's it feels like to just have your younger sibling ripped out from underneath you? Well, now you will. I'll hurt you, and then make you watch me murder your baby brother while you slowly die yourself." Christina threw Dean against the wall, where his body collided with a coat hanger. He took in a sharp gasp before he fell to the floor, the wound deep within his back. She then looked back at Sam, smirking. "Say 'bye-bye,' Sammy."
Christina looked over at the doorway, where Taylor stood, pain evident in her eyes. The older woman was obviously surprised to see her sister, and swallowed hard. "Taylor, what are you doing here? You need to leave. Now."
Taylor shook her head, looking at Sam before looking at Dean, more pain showing in her blue eyes. "Christina, you can't kill them. They didn't do anything wrong. Yes, Dean killed Rebecca, but she was asking for it. Now stop. You're not evil. I know you. You're a good person. You can fight what's within you. Please try."
Christina looked over at Sam, where the knife was still being held to his neck by an invisible force. She then looked over at Dean, who was on the ground, blood sprouting from his back. Shaking her head, Christina looked back at her baby sister. "This has to be done, Taylor. They have to pay." She turned back to Sam, but before she could move the knife, Taylor tackled her to the ground, pinning her there. "What, are you going to kill me, sister? You can't. You don't have the backbone."
Taylor glared at her sister. "I don't want to kill you, Christina. I love you. But I don't want you to kill these boys, either. If you let them go and heal Dean then we'll go find a witch. Someone that can bring Rebecca back. Someone that can change you guys back to the way you're supposed to be. Please." When Christina nodded, Taylor let out a sigh of relief, and got up off her sister. She watched as Christina threw out her hand, the knife coming back to it in an instant. Sam fell to the ground, and rushed over to his brother, who coughed out a bit of blood. Christina sighed and rolled her eyes, waving her hand at the older Winchester. His wound was immediately healed.
Looking over at the boys, Taylor's eyes showed guilt. "I'm sorry I didn't come sooner. But now you need to go. I need to talk to my sister."
Dean stood up from the floor, nodding. "Thank you." After Taylor nodded in his direction, Dean took Sam by the arm and led him out of the room, looking around. "I'm pretty sure that the living room is this way…" he said before starting down the hallway.
That night, Sam laid on his back, staring up at the ceiling. He sighed, thinking to himself. If it weren't for him, then Dean wouldn't have been in that situation. If it wasn't for him thinking so poorly of himself, then his premonition wouldn't have almost come true. He was always the one putting Dean in life and death situations, it seemed. He was always the one causing trouble for him brother. It didn't seem fair. Dean put himself at risk so much just to protect Sam. And what did he get for it? More situations where he's moments away from death. It was all Sam's fault. The demon wasn't lying, she was just forcing Sam to see the truth. She was forcing him to see that no matter what he did, he would always cause problems for Dean. He would always hurt his brother, whether intentional or not.
Sam looking over at Dean's bed, taking in the image of his brother sleeping soundlessly. Maybe it would do them both good if Sam just left. Maybe if he was gone Dean would be happier. Maybe his life would be simpler.
"Sam, stop thinking that it's all your damn fault and go to bed. Your thinking is keeping me awake."
Well, that sure surprised Sam. He had been sure that Dean had been asleep. Then again, Sam should know better to think that Dean was asleep whenever he was 'sleeping soundlessly.' Dean wasn't a soundless sleeper. Sometimes he snored, other times he rolled around, and then there was the ever so rare grunt. Soundless sleep meant that he wasn't actually sleeping.
"Sam, shut up." Dean sighed and sat up on his bed, his legs hanging off of the mattress as he looked at his little brother. "I don't care if you think that everything is your fault, alright? Because it's not. Nothing is your fault. Sometimes things happen in life that no one can control. Sometimes some people are born into a bad situation. Think of those kids that had mothers that died when they were born. It wasn't their fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. This is the same situation. Yes, you were born with some freaky powers. Fine, that's great. Mom died protecting you because of those powers. Yeah, that sucks. But that doesn't mean that it was your fault. It just meant that Mom loved you enough to give up her life for you. Sam, your powers don't cause anyone pain. Dad and I, we love you enough to protect you in the same sense that Mom did. Jess, too. She loved you so she died for you.
"So, you know what? I don't want to hear any more crap coming from your mouth. I don't want to hear you blaming and pitying yourself when you have a number of people that care about you and would do anything for you. I'm tired of this crap, alright? I'm tired of waking up in the middle of the night and finding that you've hurt yourself. I'm tired of having to convince you each and every single fucking day that nothing is your fault. Because when you think about it, it's not. It's everyone else's fault for caring about you. And there's nothing you can do about that except appreciate it, care about them back, and not try to end your life when it's obvious that it'll hurt them more than anything ever has in the past. Do you understand me?"
Sam swallowed hard, sighing. He nodded, looking away from his brother. "Yeah. I understand you."
"Great. Now go to sleep," Dean said, laying back on his bed and closing his eyes.
Sam looked up at the ceiling. For the first time in a long time, he finally understood what Dean was saying. He finally understood that maybe it wasn't his fault. That maybe whatever happened in his life didn't hurt the people he cared about, because they cared about him, too, and they would do anything to take care of him. Maybe he should stop pitying himself and move on. Yeah, maybe he should.
"Thanks, Dean," Sam whispered.
Dean didn't respond, but couldn't help but smile a little bit. Finally, the nightmare was over. Because Sam found himself.
Haley: Okay, I shall make this clear right away. Just because I finally updated this story, does NOT mean that I have come back to writing fanfictions. This is my senior year and I'm simply preoccupied with other things. All this means is that I got bored one day during Technical Drafting class and I decided that since we weren't allowed on the internet (boo) and I had my USB Drive with me (yay!) that I'd work on a story since my muse had sparked something deep within me. Now, I've been thinking for a while, and I decided (against my better judgement) that I'll be nice and bring back Sam and Dean for the final chapter. Say hi, boys!
Haley: Oh my gosh, DID ANYONE SEE LAST NIGHT'S EPISODE OF SUPERNATURAL?? It was so sad. I cried. AND SO DID DEAN.
Dean: Pscht. What? I don't cry.
Haley: YOU DID TOO. I saw it with my own tear blurred eyes. It was soooooo sad. Okay, anyway, these sections are to talk about the story. So let's get to talkin.
Dean: I'm glad you finally finished. This story pissed me off.
Haley: Too bad, so sad. You'll live.
Sam: I liked it.
Dean: You would.
Sam: ... That doesn't even make sense, Dean.
(like I said, I brought them back against my better judgement. after about half a year you start to loose your touch for things.)
Haley: Okay, boys, times to say good bye to the reviewers! errrr... cough cough... I mean... READERS. Riiiiiight.
Sam: Dean, can't you be nice and at least say something other than 'whatever'?
Dean: See ya, wouldn't want to be ya.
Sam: rolls eyes
Haley: By the way, guys, if you leave me nice reviews that I just can't help but looooooove, then that might cause some motivation for me to continue with my other stories... hint hint! Anyway, thanks for reading! I'm sorry if the ending turned out lousy, I hope you still love me! Bye!