Disclaimers: Joss owns Firefly. The Planets Will Turn is mine. boo-yah.

"Hey, little one," Mal said as he entered the cockpit where the resident crazy girl was sitting. She was staring intently at whatever was showing on the cortex. "What're you up to?"

"Jennifer just shot Warren in the back," River muttered to the captain, her eyes never leaving the screen.

Mal stared at River, confusion written all over his face. He tried to decide if she was having a crazy episode. "Huh?"

"On 'The Planets Will Turn'. Warren killed Jennifer's husband, Steve, so Jennifer shot him in the back."

Mal tried to keep up with the story. "Well, why would Warren do that?"

"Steve impregnated Warren's wife, Melissa."

"Uh-huh." Mal stood behind, craning his neck to see around her. "Oh! You're watching a soap opera!" realization dawned on Mal, before bafflement took over. "What in the name of Buddha are you doing watching soap operas?"

River looked up at him and cocked her head, "I find them very entertaining."

"A genius like yourself shouldn't be wasting her time watching go se like this! Especially a young genius."

River rolled her eyes. "I'm 18. Soap Opera watching is a very common custom amongst girl my age."

"Is it now?"

"Yes. The melodrama suits our hormonal needs quite well."

Mal just stared at River, flummoxed. "Where's Wash?" he finally asked.

"He and Zoe are off enjoying each other," River explained soberly.

"Oh, god, I don't need to know that!" Mal exclaimed as he frustratedly stomped out of the cockpit.

River stared intently at the Cortex screen as Veronica strutted into Russell's bedroom dressed in skimpy lingerie. She barely noticed Kaylee sitting down next to her.

"Ooh, 'The Planets Will Turn'! I love this one."

River merely nodded her agreement as she carefully studied Veronica's seduction techniques.

"I hate that Veronica," Kaylee stated vehemently. "She's such a jien hwo."

"Her methods are very effective," River muttered.

"Well, yeah! She's hot as all hell! I'd even have sex with her! Doesn't change the fact that she's off her gourd."

They watched in fascination as Russell ripped Veronica's negligee in half

"She was able to seduce him by using poorly manufactured clothing."

"Well, guys do like tiny, flimsy things. The easier they are to get off..."

River nodded, digesting the information.

Jayne sat in the galley, cleaning his guns. It was late, the rest of the crew had headed of to bed long ago. Jayne liked the quiet, liked being alone with his guns and his thoughts.

Of course, nine times out of ten, the crazy girl always disturbed his alone time.

"What do you want, moon brain?" he asked as he heard her quite footsteps.

River came close to him, fiddling nervously with the bottom of her cotton nightgown. "It the smallest one I have, but the fabric is strong. It's not as poorly manufactured as it should be."

Jayne stopped cleaning Betty to glance up at the girl, trying to follow her incoherent babbling.

"The material is not conducive to tearing, though it is possible you're strong enough to tear through it anyway."

"What the hell are you talking about crazy girl?"

"My methods of seduction won't be as effective since I don't own any small, poorly manufactured articles of clothing. But I'm wearing my smallest in the hopes that the seduction will be just as successful in the end," River explained.

After that, Jayne couldn't hear much but buzzing. "Seduction?" he finally managed to stutter out.

River nodded, biting her lip nervously. "You are not becoming appropriately aroused." Her eyes filled with tears.

Jayne didn't know what to do. "I…..you….we….aroused?"

"I tried to follow Veronica's methods, but I lacked the proper tools."

Jayne tried desperately to follow River's line of thought. Veronica? Who the hell was Veronica?

Failing to grasp what she was talking about, he decided to do the only thing he could think of. Pawn the girl off on her brother.

"Come on, now," he growled as he grabbed River's wrist and dragged her out of the galley.

"Have my attempts worked? Are we going to have sex now?" River asked hopefully.

Jayne just grunted before opening Simon's door, shoving River in, and lumbering away.

Gorram crazy girl. Seduction? And who the hell was Veronica? Girl must be getting crazier.