(A/N: I posted this once, then removed it, regretted removing it, added some things to it, changed its name – to something which really is no better – and have now reposted it. Review if you like.)

Pirates of Dark Water
A stupid, all-dialogue attempt at humor by Wings of the Morning.
--Sirius loses the Marauder's map and Remus is turning homicidal. Set in MWPP era. No slash.--

"Do you see that?"

"See what?"

"That. The water."

"Of course I see the water. I've been seeing the water for six and a half years now."

"It looks different today."

"No, it doesn't. It looks just like it did yesterday and just like it will tomorrow. It does not look any different today than it ever has so stop trying to make stupid conversation."

"But it does. Look at it, it looks blacker than I remember."

"That's because it's night. Things look darker at night than at day."

"No, no, no. It looks blacker than it did last night."

"What were you doing up here last night?"



Cough. "Yeah. So, uh…"

"Why were you looking at the water, anyway?"


"That isn't much of an answer."

"…I got bored."

"You got bored? How?"

"I just did, okay! Back to the water. It looks different. Blacker."

"No, it doesn't. It looks normal."

"That's not normal. It doesn't even look like water. It looks like that Happy Painter painted it but he used too much black."

"Happy Painter?"

"Yeah, you know, the muggle guy who draws his little Happy Trees and Happy Signs and everything he does is Happy?"

"You mean Bob Ross?"

"Yeah, him."

"How do you know about him? Aren't you pureblood? Didn't you nearly destroy my dad's TV when you first saw it because you thought it was trying to kill you?"

"I was drunk at the time."

"You'd had four butterbeers."

"Yeah, they had more beer than butter, okay? I think James might have spiked it or something."

"…Wouldn't surprise me. But still, I wasn't even drunk after 6."

"I'm not you."

"…You really can't hold your liqueur, can you?"


"Anyway, how do you know about Bob Ross?"

"I just do. Don't ask."

"Let me guess. You were dating a muggleborn and she wanted you to know more about her heritage so you watched TV so you could make out with her on the couch?"

"Movie theater, actually. We didn't make out in front of the TV."

"Ah. Forgive me."

"Sorry, no. You should know I don't make out with anyone on couches. That's what everyone else does and Sirius Black is not everyone else."

"Everyone else makes out in movie theaters too, you know."

"Yeah, whatever. Back to the water. Why is it so black?"

"Because it wants to imitate you. How the hell should I know?"

"You know, that isn't that a bad idea. Maybe the water is trying to imitate me…"


"Holy Sh---!"

"Oops, did I nearly knock you off the Astronomy tower? So sorry, your over-inflated ego totally blotted out my vision and I had no idea what I was doing."

"You nearly killed me!"

"I did not. In case you haven't noticed yet, you do have a little thing called 'magic.' It's rather useful when in dire situations."

"Yeah, like I'm going to be spouting off spells when I'm turning into Sirius goo on the ground in front of the lake."

"I would."

"You'd turn into Sirius goo? Wow, Remus, I didn't know you admired me that much!"

"Oh, yes, Sirius, I just can't get enough of you. I dream of you at night and have wild sexual fantasies about you during History of Magic."

"…That's slightly creepy. I… I was kind of joking."


"OW! What was that for? You're the freakin' pansy, talking about having sexual fantasies about me!"

"SARCASM, you idiot! SARCASM. God, you really think I dream of you? Ugh!"

"Well, when you talk like that, how the hell am I supposed to know the difference?"

"Yes, sarcasm is so incredibly hard to notice. Look, just get the stupid map so I can go back to sleep. I don't even know why you had to drag me out here anyway."

"Shit, I can't even see, it's really freakin' dark."

"Are you a wizard or not!"

"I left my wand in the dorm, okay!"

"Stupid. Lumos! There, all better?"

"Yes, mum."

"Do you want to turn into Sirius goo on the ground in front of the lake? I imagine – oh, what's her name this week? Ah, yes, Shannon. – Shannon would be terribly depressed if they found you congealing there in the morning."

"I'm sure old Snivellus would be terribly depressed if you turned into Remus goo in front of the lake, too." Sigh. "He'd sure miss his friend Lupin."

"Okay, now that was low."

"Remus, you should know by now, I am the king of low."

"Yeah, whatever. Just find the freakin' map."


"Uh, Remus?"


"I don't think it's here."

"Then where the crap would it be?"

"I dunno. Do you think Filch might have gotten to it?"

"If he did, I will personally reach up your ass and rip your spine out so I can beat you with it."


"Yes. And then you'd try to run away, but you'd just be sitting there, with no spine crying 'No, Moony, no, I didn't mean to lose the map! Stop beating me with my spine!' and I'd just laugh and keep hitting you."

"…You've put an alarming amount of thought into this."

"Yes, I have."

"Should I be afraid?"

"If that map is currently residing in Filch's desk, yes, you should."



"I really don't think it's here."


"Uh, Moony?"

"You. Lost. The. Map."

"I didn't mean to! I could have sworn it was in my pocket!"

"You. Lost. The. Map."

"Uh. Maybe it's still here! I'll just look harder, okay? Okay?"

"You. Lost. The. Map."

"Oh, shit."

"Sirius-Fucking-Black, I am going to kill you."

"Uh, my middle name is Orion, not Fucking."

"Fine. Sirius-Orion-Black, I am going to kill you."

"It was just a map! We can make another one!"

"No, we can't! That thing took us a whole freakin' year to make! We cannot just make another one!"

"We know the spells now, it won't be that hard!"

"I don't believe you! You lost the freakin' map!"

"It might still be here somewhere! I'll just, uh, look harder!"

"Fine. Look harder."





"No, I really don't think it's here…"

"…Please, please tell me it was cleared before you lost it."

"Well, yeah. What do you take me for, an idiot?"

"Yes, actually."

"Oh, I love you too."

"I really, really hate you."

"Thanks for the sentiment. It's nice to know that my friends hate me."

"You wait until James finds out about this. He'll tear your heart out."

"So long as it's not my spine."

"I'll be doing that."

"Oh… You know, you look really scary when you're angry."

"Do I?"

"And you sound really demonic when you say that like that. I'm serious, I'm kind of worried that your head is about to start spinning."

"I am not Linda Blair, Sirius."

"Never said you were." A pause. "But now that you mention it…"

"Sirius, I'm already going to kill you. Do you want me to make it even more painful?"

"There's something more painful than having your spine pulled out of your ass and being beaten with it?"

"I don't know. Would you like to find out?"

"Not particularly!"

"That's what I thought."

"Hmm… You know, I'll bet the Pirates of Dark Water stole it."

"The what?"

"The Pirates of Dark Water. It's a muggle cartoon. You know, where the dark water is taking over the world and Ren has to find all thirteen jewels before the dark water can destroy everything, and all?"

"What the hell does that have to do with your losing the map?"

"Do you see that lake? It's pretty dark. I think Blagh is going to come up any day now and laugh because he's got the map and we don't."


"The bad guy, the 'Evil Pirate Blagh!' He's trying to get the jewels before Ren and he wants the dark water to take over the world."

"This is one of those things that I'd rather not ask how you know, isn't it?"


"Look, Sirius, is or is not the map here?"

"Y'know, I'm quite sure it's not. I mean, I saw Filch lurking around here yesterday – doing what, I'd rather not know – and I'm pretty sure he was here when I left. I think he found it then."

"So you dragged me out of my warm bed at 2 AM so I could follow you up to the Astronomy tower – the coldest, most open, most windy place in the whole school – in subzero temperatures when you already knew that Filch had taken the map. Why?"

"Because you're more tolerant than James and I didn't know how to tell you guys that I'd lost it while snogging Shannon."


"You're turning a rather bright shade of red. You might want to check that blood pressure, Remus."



"Go. Die."

Receding footsteps, a door slams.

"Why thank you."