A/N This story is OOC, AU and every other warning you can think of. It contains spanking (though well deserved)…erm…what else? Well, anyway, you were warned, so don't come complaining to me. And don't flame me. I hate the heath.

Harry Potter smirked.

Today was the first day of his new life. Finally.

At his feet wiggled the puddle of goo that was all that remained of the once mighty Dark Lord Voldemort. He giggled a bit. The Dark Wizard didn't look very fearful now.

Right now, Jello looked scarier then the Dark Lord. Well, maybe just as scary.

Harry winked at Ron and Hermione, who were standing a little behind him. He grinned at Neville, Luna and Ginny.

"Thanks guys. Couldn't have done it without you."

They waved merrily at him as he stepped on Sirius's old motorbike and kickstarted it into the air.

"So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbyeeeeee!" he sang horribly off key.

And with that, Harry Potter left the Wizarding World to deal with the job of cleaning up after HIM, for once.

Dumbledore sighed as he played with the silver instruments on his desk that nobody knew had a function. He had tried to explain it to Minerva once, but all she would do was say: "Really Albus!"

He was a bit miffed that Harry had just ran off like that when he wanted to return him to the Dursleys, even though there was no reason at all for that with Voldemort dead, but other than that, life was good. Filch terrorized the remaining students, Poppy was on a short holiday after working overtime healing the wounded from the battle, and Severus, now Dark Mark free, was no doubt contemplating poisoning first years.

He abandoned his instruments in favor of bed, and fell asleep contently. Never noticing Fawkes winking at a seemingly empty corner of the room.

At 3 AM, the Headmaster of Hogwarts woke to the feel of a wand to his throat and before he could protest, a cloth was pressed against his face. It smelt horrible, and why was it so da…….

Harry saluted Fawkes and flashed the bird a brilliant grin as he carried the unconcious headmaster out.

ACK! Cold and wet!

Albus Dumbledore woke up confused, only to find himself laying on his side on a strange bed, his hands tied and his head and chest sopping wet.

"Well, goodmorning Headmaster," he heard the cold voice of Harry Potter, "excuse the wake-up call."

"Harry? Wh…What are you doing? Listen, my boy, just untie me and we will sit down for a chat…"

"I don't think so, Headmaster," Harry said, his face a blank mask, "We will chat, alright. But I will talk and YOU will listen for once."

"Harry, my boy…"

"What did I just say?"

Dumbledore jumped as a slight biting hex hit him.

"Voldemort is dead. I did what you idiots forced me to do. Now it's MY turn to do what I want. Now it is time for you to pay for what you did to me."

"Harry, it was for the greater goo…OUCH!" Another biting hex shut him up.

The Chosen One dragged the old wizard up and marched him to the bathroom, where the tub was filled already.

Dumbledore's eyes widened. "A…are you going to drown me?"

Harry chuckled. "Oh, no, Headmaster. Look closely."

The spinning silvery mass looked awfully familiar…the Headmaster's jaw dropped.


Harry sat down on the closed toilet seat. "Oh well, technically no, but I have 17 years of memories to store and a Pensieve just wasn't big enough, so I had to use the tub."

"You have no more memories?"

Harry rolled his eyes. "I duplicated them of course. Duh. I had no intention to effectively Obliviate myself. Now…"

He grabbed the Headmaster's head, pushed it into the liquid and waited.

After a while, he pulled him back up. The old man gasped and spluttered horribly. Harry gave him a few moments to collect himself.

"It was…for the good…of the…"

Before he could finish his sentence, Harry shoved him back under.

This time he stayed down for longer until Harry remembered that he had to bring him back up sometime.

Dumbledore's face was red, and his eyes looked haunted.

"I…did what I thought was best…"

Harry sighed and down under he went.

Checking his watch, he noticed the man had now been under for nearly fifteen minutes. That should have been enough.

This time when he pulled the headmaster up, the man had tears running down his face and he immediately tried to curl into a fetal position.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry Harry, I'm so sorry…" he repeated time and time again.

"Yeah well, it's a bit late, don't you think?" Harry commented, handing him a box of Kleenex.

After dubbing his face and blowing his nose, the Headmaster sat up, eyes still red and puffed up from crying. Harry snapped his fingers and the bonds disappeared.

"Is there…anything I can do…to make at least part of it up to you?" Dumbledore asked.

"Doubt it, Headmaster. Not unless you plan to actually hold people responsible for what they did. And we both know that's not going to happen."

Dumbledore reached out to Harry, shocked by the defeated look on the young man's face.

Harry pulled back. "Too little, too late. You had your chance. I just wanted to make you understand. Just this once. Goodbye, Headmaster. I'm going home now to my real family, that you kept me away from all these years."

Leaving the repentant headmaster behind, Harry got his backpack and Apparated to the Burrow.


Not unless you plan to actually hold people responsible for what they did. And we both know that's not going to happen.

Dumbledore had finally managed to Apparate back to Hogwarts without splinching himself and was now sitting on his couch, staring at the fire, hearing that one sentence in his mind over and over again.

"I'll surprise you, Harry, I promise you that," the Headmaster thought, smiling slightly for the first time.


Petunia and Vernon Dursley were having a quiet dinner with their beloved son. Life was good for the Dursleys. They once more had a regular, normal house without any of the abnormalities that had been forced into their lives along with their nephew.

The boy had apparently done what those freaks had wanted him to do, and although it was a bit of a disappointment that he hadn't managed to get himself killed while doing it, he HAD at least picked up his bag and left.

Suddenly, out of the blue, just as Petunia piled more potatoes on her sons plate, the old wizard appeared, looking grim and smirking at the same time.

"Hello Petunia. I suppose you remember me? I'm the one who wrote the letter and asked you to take in a little boy. Asked you to treat him like a son. Do you remember that?"

The woman looked ready to faint.

"Let's just assume you do. You can imagine my disappointment when I found out yesterday that you have NOT loved him or treated him like a son. In fact, you have neglected and abused him. I am not amused."

Dudley hid under the table, using bits of the tablecloth to cover his bottom.

"Now, I confess that I share in this blame; I did not take your mistreatment of him seriously."

Vernon Dursley puffed up. "We gave that freak you forced upon us houseroom, like you said."

"THE CUPBOARD UNDER THE STAIRS!" the old man blazed with fury, "that is NOT what I meant by 'houseroom'! But yes, I did force him on you."

"Besides, the little scumbag has left, and there is no evidence whatsoever that we mistreated him," Vernon continued.

"I cannot have the Muggle authorities sue you, especially when Harry is not so inclined. But I can and I will make your lives miserable," Dumbledore's eyes suddenly gleamed in a very Slytherinisk way.

"Ah," He continued, as the sound of sirens became clearer and clearer, "I do believe the first piece of misery is about to arrive."


"Harry! Harry did you see the newspaper?"

Harry yawned and nodded. "Yeah, I scanned the Prophet earlier when it was delivered."

Hermione shook her head impatiently. "Not the Prophet, I meant the Times. Your relatives are in it."

Harry shot up. "What? Why? Did they finally win the Best Kept Suburban Lawn Competition or something?"

"No Harry," Hermione sighed, "they are in jail."

Harry gaped. "J..jail?"

Hermione sat down to read the articles.

"Your cousin was arrested first, for bullying and beating up the kids in the neighborhood. Then your Uncle and Aunt were arrested for fraud. Well, your Uncle was arrested for fraud and your Aunt for conspiracy to…loads of stuff. Apparently," Hermione snorted, "they claimed that a man suddenly appeared in their livingroom and proclaimed judgment on them. They said they have been set up by magic. They have been under psychiatric observation and will probably remain there."

Harry leaned back with a satisfied smile, appreciating the utter irony of the story.

"So, Headmaster," he said to himself, "I guess you ARE holding people responsible…I wonder what's next…"


"Harry, Ron, we are going to a meeting with Dumbledore!" Arthur and Molly yelled up the stairs.

"Fine, Mum!" both boys responded, "see you later!"

Harry, upstairs playing chess with Ron, abandoned the game and dug up his cloak.

"Oi! What are you doing, mate?"

"I'm going to the meeting."

Ron's eyes bulged. "You are? You've been awfully secretive lately…and you've been gone a couple of times…hey, you don't have a girl, do you?"

Harry grinned. "Mate, you'd be the first to know if I did. And you'll be the first to know once I can divulge what I'm doing now, too. I promise. And I also promise it's going to be gooooood," the expression on his face made Ron shudder, once more reminded of how powerful Harry was.

"You kinda scare me, Harry," he said.

Harry clapped him on the shoulder before he pulled on the cloak.

"You're my best friend, Ron. You have nothing to fear from me." He whistled on his fingers.

Fawkes appeared, grabbed Harry and disappeared in a flash of fire, leaving Ron to stare at the place where his friend and now new brother had stood moments before.

"Yeah…nothing to fear…riiiight," he muttered.


Fawkes dropped Harry at his corner in the room, where he had a perfect view of every person in the meeting. Fawkes settled next to him on his perch.

"Welcome to this last meeting of the Order of the Phoenix," Dumbledore said.

"I have quite a number of things on the agenda. Of course, Voldemort is no more…STOP THAT STUPID GASPING! If Harry can say his name without flinching, anyone can. For those of you who do not read Muggle newspapers, the Dursleys have been arrested for various charges. Quite unfortunate…"

Harry, under his cloak, held his hand over his mouth to stop snickering.

He saw Mad Eye Moody's eye whirl towards him, and he gave the old Auror a lopsided grin and a small wave.

After a moment's hesitation, the man rolled his magical eye in acknowledgement and turned his attention to the meeting.

"Then. Arthur, I have an important question to you. Would you like to become Headmaster of Hogwarts?"

Harry nearly jumped. He looked at Fawkes, but the bird merely gave him a 'I know something you don't know' look.

Arthur's mouth fell open. "But…but Albus…are you retiring?"

"No," Dumbledore said, his smile fading, "I have sacked myself. I'm fired. Out."

"You fired yourself?" Minerva asked, "but the Board!"

"Well," Dumbledore said, practically dancing in place, "I pointed out to them that it is illegal to have Death Eaters on the Board of Governors. And that their…lack of consideration for this completely understandable rule might have complicated the war efforts. They were quite willing to agree with me on almost anything."

"But…what are you going to do, Albus?" Molly asked.

"I'm going to retire. And I'm going to take a few childcare classes. It seems, that after over 100 years of teaching, I must conclude I don't know anything about children. I had a talk with Harry…"

"Oh, yes, Saint Potter," Snape sneered, "his word is law by now, isn't it? He can dictate even you. It wouldn't surprise me if he set up his relatives…"

"He didn't," Dumbledore said firmly, his eyes warning the former spy.

"Oh come on, Albus, he never thought the rules applied to him! His father…"

Everyone in the room felt their jaws sink gently to their lap as the headmaster stalked over to the potions master and dragged him off his chair.

"I should have done this many years ago," he said, "I'm sorry to say I have neglected you just as much as I neglected Harry."

With that, he put one foot on the now abandoned chair, forced the potions master to bend over his knee and proceeded to give him a sound spanking.

Harry's eyebrows reached his hairline and he turned to Fawkes with a "What the f" expression on his face. The bird returned the exact same look.

The potions master's yelling and screaming eventually died down to sobs. Dumbledore pulled him up and hugged the whimpering man.

"You are fired as well, Severus. No more teaching children for you. You're coming with me, and are finally going to get the therapy you obviously need."

Still holding Snape against his shoulder, he turned to the rest of the group.

"Well, that concludes the final meeting of the Order. It was an honor fighting alongside you. Arthur, I'll contact you on the transition later. For now, goodbye."

The stunned Order members quickly cleared the room.

Harry wasn't in much better shape then they were, still not believing what he had just seen. Then his eye fell on a list on Dumbledore's desk.

People to hold responsible:

Dursleys – taken care of

Myself – taken care of

Severus – taken care of The list was clearly self-updating.

Fudge Umbridge

Harry snorted. He couldn't wait to see what would happen to Fudge and that horrible toadwoman.


"What are you grinning about?" Ron asked, "Mum and Dad came back from the meeting looking like they'd seen Voldemort dancing on the table in a pink tutu, and you are acting weird."

Harry smirked, and slung an arm around the shoulders of his best friend.

"Ronald, my boy, soon I'm going to put all my memories of the past days in a Pensieve and let you have fun with them. Oh, and your father is now the new headmaster of Hogwarts."

"OUR father," Ron corrected absentmindedly, before the rest of the sentence registered.

"Headmaster? But…McGonagall…Dumbledore…Dad?"

Harry nodded happily. "Ron-boy, brother of mine, life is just about perfect," he sighed.

Ron looked decidedly uncomfortable.


The prison guard brought a not so imposing anymore Vernon Dursley to the area where he would be receiving his visitor.

He did go purple when he saw his nephew, smirking at the little table.

"Boy! Tell these people that we are telling the truth and get us out!"

Harry raised his eyebrows, a picture of angelic innocence.

"But Uncle Vernon…you don't expect me to LIE, do you?"

Vernon Dursley nearly exploded. "You tell them that you are a wizard and that we told the truth all along, that your idiot headmaster appeared in our livingroom and set us up!"

Harry sighed deeply and looked forlornly at the guard.

"But Uncle Vernon, there is no such thing as magic, you know that," he said, drawing out every word in a high pitched voice that amplified his sincerity.


Harry turned to the guard and the observing doctor. "I guess my Uncle really isn't well yet, is he?" he asked the doctor in a sad voice.

She patted his shoulder encouragingly. "Not yet, but we are doing our best. But I'm afraid you won't be able to live with them anymore."

Harry smiled. "They told me. Fortunately, my best friend's parents offered to adopt me. They are really nice. You remember them, Uncle Vernon? From the station when you picked me up from school after my fourth year. Oh, and of course they came to visit the summer before that. Remember?"

Vernon Dursley remained consciouss just long enough to whisper 'take me back to my cell'. Then he passed out from suppressed anger syndrome. Or a burst blood vessel. Something like that.

Harry thanked the doctor for the opportunity to visit his Uncle, and left the building grinning widely.


Three days later, Cornelius Fudge and Dolores Umbridge went missing. Nobody in the Ministry was really in a hurry to find them, but even if they had been, they would have been hard pressed to locate them.

Harry was licking a sundae in the Zoo where he first met the Boa from Brazil, watching the reptile&hibian house.

An old man with a long beard approached the caretaker. He was dressed in purple linnen trousers with a pink shirt. Harry shook his head in embarrassment.

He leaned closer to hear, making sure his glamours were on.

"Thank you so much, Mr. Evans. We don't often have the opportunity to purchase two specimens from such a rare species. We will take good care of them, we promise."

After the old man had left, Harry approached the caretaker.

"What are THOSE?" he exclaimed.

"A very rare species of toads," the caretaker said proudly, "see? They aren't very pretty, but when they get angry, they get really venomous."

"What are you going to do with them?" Harry asked, carefully studying the toads, who seemed to be glaring at him.

"Well, since they are an endangered species, we want to try and see if we can set up a breeding program with these two…"

Harry choked on his sundae.

"See, this here is a male, and this a female. The old man who brought them said their names are Cornelius and Dolores. Gave 'em to us for free on the condition we would keep those names. Want to help me put them in their new home?"

"Sure," Harry grinned widely, ignoring the hateful way the frogs were now secreting venom at him.

Harry helped the caretaker put Cornelius and Dolores in their new environment, and was even allowed to feed them some insects.

"Oooh, look," the caretaker said happily, "the female is already approaching the male for a mating ritual…poor bloke doesn't seem too interested though…"

Harry watched the cowering Cornelius-toad who tried to shie away from the Dolores-toad. When she looked like she was about to jump the other toad, Harry thanked the caretaker quickly and rushed out of the building, not wanting to lose that sundae he just had.


"Alright. So a child comes to you and tells you a problem. What do you do? Albus?"

"I erm…offer a lemon drop?"

The rest of the class groaned.

"Ye-es, but after that?"

"After that I offer some really vague advice and twinkle at them?"

The majority of the class was now banging their heads on the tables.

"Albus…this is childcare 101. Have you ever even SEEN a child?" the teacher asked exasparated.

"Well…I did work as a teacher and headmaster for about 100 years," Albus offered.

"That must've been a disaster," one of the other students said through clenched teeth.

"Enough for today. Homework, read chapters 10 and 11. Albus…I have some complementary reading for you…"

About a dozen books were thrust in the headmasters hands.

"Thank you, my boy," the headmaster twinkled at the pale and desperate teacher.

"So, taking classes?" he heard a voice from the back of the classroom when the teacher had ran off in search of coffee and tranquilizers.

"Harry!" Dumbledore exclaimed, dropping the stack.

Harry shrugged off his cloak.

"You surprised me, headmaster," Harry admitted, "I've been watching you. I never expected this. Thank you, I suppose."

Dumbledore smiled slightly. "Thank you, Harry, for setting me straight."

Harry nodded. "So, how's Snape?"

The former headmaster smiled nervously. "He's doing well. He's in therapy at the moment; three days a week. You…I mean, he…I didn't want…"

Harry held up a hand. "Oh, no, headmaster, I'm not here to demand that you…oh, you know…change him into a toad or something that…DRASTIC…"

Dumbledore went crimson.

"The man was a total bastard to me from day one, but I am not ignorant of the fact that he saved my life on several occasions despite hating me, and that he sacrificed much during the war. So it's fine. Good thing he's getting help, and is away from teaching I suppose."

Picking up the books, Dumbledore nodded. "He'll never teach again. He hates it. But he is making a lot of progress. He's supposed to be writing to you soon…I hope…I mean…could you…"

"Oh, I'll go easy on him," Harry said, "like I said, I know how much he sacrificed. I just wanted him to be held responsible for how he treated me and the others, Neville especially."

He smiled.

"I'll see you around, I suppose. I gotta go now; I promised Mum to help her degnome the garden."

He folded his cloak.

"I'm going home. Oh and headmaster…" he smirked, "remember: Constant Vigilance, or you may end up in a tub."

End. I think.