Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters nor do I own the plot from Stephenie Meyer's book "Twilight". I do not own the song "Too much of not Enough" from Silverchair.
Bella is suffering an illness, which she hides from Edward. Afraid that she will cause him too much grief she moves out to Florida with her mother. Edward thinks she will return in three weeks, but then he finds out why she really is in Florida and he is none too happy about it. E&B of course!
TOO MUCH OF NOT ENOUGH
BY A.K.A ETTIE
It is enough. I remember what Edward had said about how he felt about our love. My love for him was enough for forever he had said. He would not change me. He would never change me – whatever the situation. I respected him for that. He only wants what is best for me. I can't blame him for that, but I can't help but feel betrayed…maybe that isn't the right word. I can't put my finger on it. I feel like he's let me down; he isn't letting me make my own decisions. I want this. Does he fully understand that I know the consequences?
I've been diagnosed with Leukemia. I've actually had it for a while, before I moved to Forks. Chemo didn't work for me neither did the other treatments. Bummer too. I've learned to not let it affect me, but at the moment it's becoming very hard. It's getting worse. Edward is starting to smell the difference. The cancer is why I moved out to Forks, to live with Charlie before I go poof. Mum was reluctant of course that I go, but I had a very persuasive tool – death of course! I'm left for Phoenix with Charlie to spend my last days with Mum. I didn't want to spend my last days in some hospital room with their white walls and the smell of bleach. I was going to spend it in my old bedroom where I would be comfortable…well as comfortable as I could be. So I'm lying in my deathbed at the moment bored as hell.
I just hope Edward understands. I don't want to hurt you anymore, promise me you'll understand.
"I promise." Edward whispered into my hair. There were so many promises between us. And they would be broken soon. I sat in his lap in the sunny meadow. His sparkling diamond arms wrapped around my waist. "I'll never tire of this." I said resting my hands over his. "Good. 'Cause I don't plan on letting you go anytime soon." Oh Edward. You have no idea. I tried to mask my feelings and plastered a small smile on my lips. "I love you Edward." I turned to him and kissed him softly. He smiled faintly and sighed. His breath still intoxicating left me breathless. That made him smile fully. "I love you too Bella." That was a breaking point for me there. That dazzling smile and those topaz eyes. He may be strong enough to resist, but I for sure wasn't. I practically attacked him. I hurled myself at him. I kissed him fully on those delectable lips. He opened up to me and I gladly let in to my senses and kissed him for all the love that I had for him. I pushed him to the ground – still kissing – running my hands through his silken bronze hair. I felt his cold hands travel up and down the sides of my body and then as if he were stunned froze. He stopped the kiss and I let out a weighted breath my eyes still closed I sighed. He did as well although it sounded pained. "Bella," he sighed again, "I'm sorry." Our lips so close still I lightly brushed my lips to the corner of his mouth and slowly lifted myself off of him. He chuckled. "You attacked me." He caught me off guard again with the rate with that his moods changed. "Sorry." I mumbled looking away from him so he wouldn't see me blush. He put his finger under my chin and directed me to look him in the eye. He smiled. I glared remembering why I had acted the way I just had. "You dazzled me. I can't be blamed for my actions when you do that. That was your fault." I accused.
"Well excuse me, Bella," He said mockingly, "But I can't help it if I'm good looking." I punched him playfully in the chest. He gathered me into a big ball and bear hugged me. I smiled. I know it sounds cheesy but this is the life. If only I wasn't bloody sick…no pun intended. I pushed that aside and let the feeling of Edward around me be the only thing that I felt: love.
The memory ran through my mind. I smiled. "What are you smiling about Bella?" my mother asked sitting beside my bed. "Just remembering something," I said simply. She frowned expecting. "Tell me." She was still the same Rene no subtleties.
"Okay." I whispered. I closed my eyes and smiled about to live the memory again. One tear escaped the pools in Rene's eyes. She sucked in the fresh air from the bedroom window and let it out on a shaky exhale. "Bella, I had no idea." She knew now how strong the love between Edward and I was. "Hmmm," I replied wondering what Edward was doing.
Oh God what am I going to do? This is eating at me. I remembered when Bella told me. It must have been at least three months ago. "Alice you've seen it haven't you? You know that I'm sick." Bella asked.
"Yes." I whispered. I was surprised at first when I saw what I had in my mind. She wasn't in any danger because of Edward or us, but because of the cards that fate had dealt her. "You haven't told Edward." I stated. For some reason we were speaking in hushed tones even though we were in my car driving to Port Angeles. "I'm not going to tell him and you aren't either. Please Alice. You have to understand." I nodded understandingly. But she felt compelled to justify her decision. "I don't want to hurt him anymore than I already am. I've kept pushing and pushing for him to change me." She confided, "Pushing," she repeated again as she shook her head. "He's probably already told you or you've seen it, but he snapped. He said he would never do it any under circumstances. I dropped it and I've never said anything about it since then. I have to accept what he wants. He's trying to keep me safe. And I love him for that. I love him." Her voice broke. I reached over to hold her hand. I knew this was very tough for her. More than tough. If I were in her shoes insanity would surely take me over. My heart broke for her. I squeezed her hand encouraging her to continue. "I was diagnosed with Leukemia when I was 15. I went through chemotherapy and we thought it would be over. But it wasn't. We tried the other treatments, they worked for a while, but then my body grew immune to them. To tell you I was depressed as hell would be an understatement. I tried to end my life." I remember tensing up in shock as she revealed that to me. I was genuinely shocked. I looked at her. Never would I ever think that the cheery, funny, clumsy Bella would ever try to end her life. "I mean I would die a slow painful death anyways so why not just do it now…get it over and done with. My mother found me she acted quickly. I was in the hospital under observation for a while. Mum made me see some shrinks. I was stubborn at first, but they helped me. I had a new philosophy. I had to make what time I had left worthwhile." I looked at Bella from the road and a smile spread across her lips. "I think I've done that." I smiled with her. She sighed and her face was solemn once more. "I want Edward and I to part on happy terms. He doesn't have to know until I'm gone. Gone as in dead."
"Doesn't that bother you? Knowing that you'll be gone in a matter of years - months, slowly dying. Don't you feel sad for yourself?" I was so curious.
"It doesn't bother me anymore. Of course it did at first." Not mentioning her attempt suicide. I think she was ashamed of herself about that. "And no, I'm not sad for myself. I have Edward, you and your family. I'm so thankful for that. I love you Alice. Someone must be watching over me to have been so lucky to find you guys." This Bella surprised me. I had never known this side of her and I myself was so lucky to have been given this opportunity to have something so precious in my life. I squeezed her hand again. "I love you too Bella." We both smiled.
"Sometime it's hard around Edward to be strong. I just want to blurt it all out. Let it lift off my shoulders. Sometimes I get so weak – physically – but I can't let it show otherwise he'll question and get all worried and frustrated. I don't want that. He's already worried about me as it is me being klutz and all." She chuckled at herself. "Alice please be careful of what you think around Edward."
"I promise Bella. Don't worry I promise."
"Thank you," she said softly.
What am I going to do? What am I going to do? I promised Bella I wouldn't tell, but it's so hard. Edward could, might change his mind about changing Bella and then they would be together…forever. But then she said that Edward wouldn't change her. I've seen all this. What she said was true. And in my premonition she dies. Please don't let this be true. And in a long, long time I felt the tears of a bittersweet love run down my cold face. Thank God that it wasn't my love. Again I was faced with the question that lingered in my mind. Would I tell Edward or would I – Oh my God.
I tried enjoying the sun's warmth on my skin as I lay in the meadow. But I felt very lonely besides the obvious reason that I was alone. But I felt so lonely. "Bella." I sighed. I longed for her touch, her kiss, to hear her voice, for her sweet floral scent. My eyes swirled from gold to black frustrated that I was immobile and helpless without her. I was ultimately lost. I forced myself to think of her return. Only three more weeks, but that felt and sounded so far away. Instead of torturing myself I forced myself to relive the happy memories that we made together. "Edward!" I surprised her snaking my arms around her waist as she sat at her desk doing her homework English I noticed. I pressed butterfly kisses along the column of her neck. "Mmmm," I enjoyed her unconscious response as her head fell back. I smiled. "Have you been her long?" she asked her breath shaky. I was pleased even more. "Only a while, I couldn't resist. I'm sorry, but you'll have to finish this later." I gently closed her English book. "No problem." she said enthusiastically. I chuckled. She turned around to face me. She raked her nimble fingers through my hair. I knelt before her so we were eye level. Effortlessly I slid her chair closer to me so we were mere centimeters apart. I breathed in her scent, more potent up close. My eyelids heavy with pleasure closed. I felt Bella lean forward and softly brush her soft, supple lips across each eyelid. I sighed in the simple gesture. I inhaled her scent again. I groaned. I opened my eyes to see her tilt her head in curiosity. "You're going to drive me wild…I'm almost there." I could tell that she breathed me in shivering at in reaction. I was glad that I had the same affect on her. "Well that's just not good enough. I'm just going to have to try harder," she pouted mockingly. I laughed out loud softly as not to disturb Charlie downstairs. "I need a human moment." She faced me with a questionable look.
"Of course," She made to get up but my arms around her wouldn't let her go. Her eyebrow shot up in question the side of her mouth tipped upwards. "Right after another kiss," She giggled and my God how sweet it was. I nearly, nearly lost it. My eyes turned a feral black. "Edward?" I heard her whisper.
"Just give me a minute." I rested my forehead against hers; we were both still. She understood the raging battle inside me and I was so grateful and it reminded me that I did not deserve her. She, my angel, looked into my eyes as they melted and faded into gold. Bella smiled gently. "Thank you." I staggered my voice hoarse. Our lips met once again and I was content when she left for the bathroom.
Growing restless once more I started for home. I ran through the woods the sensation letting me feel so free – carefree almost. My mind wandered back to Bella. Bella, Bella, Bella. White teeth gleamed; I smiled when I remembered the first time I took her running. I laughed. And then it hit me. Literally as well. I lost my mind for that second and smashed through the trees. I stopped to recover from my incident and my new realization. It's not enough for forever. I don't want to live my memories with her forever. I don't want to live through my memories I want to be with Bella forever. I want to make new ones with her. I finally understood why she wanted me to change her. Excited, thrilled and rejuvenated I started for home again wanting to call Bella and hear her melodic, chirpy voice.
I ran up the stairs heading to my bedroom. It hit me. The sadness, tears, illness, love, hurt all of it came flooding out and into my mind involuntary. I entered Alice's bedroom my temper fuming.
"Edward. Edward please." I cried frantically. It was useless to try and defuse his temper he was in. He always had a very bad one. His eyes were as black as black, his muscles flexed under his shirt, his teeth bared. He snarled, crouching to attack. All I could think of then was self-preservation, but I seemed to lack the courage as I dropped into a ball hiding my face between my folded legs my arms tight around them. I sobbed. Edward didn't relent as he used brute force. I blocked my mind thinking of anything but Bella. He made him even wilder. I started to scream for Jasper, Esme anyone who could rescue me. I could smell the blood as it ran from my arms as Edward clawed. "TELL ME." I heard him yell. "WHY DIDN'T SHE TELL ME?" she continued. "Why didn't you tell me?" he growled. I was terrified. "WHY, why, why?" he started to grow weak. "Why, why?" he kept repeating his hits became pathetic stabs as he voice grew into sobs. He slumped onto the floor his head in his hands as he cried over his Bella – his one and only.
With some help with mum I was sitting on the couch in front of telly. Even though it was pretty warm I wore Edward's jacket, a sort of parting gift…that I demanded! I breathed in deeply letting the smell take me somewhere entirely different than were I was now.
"What are you doing today Dad?" I asked Charlie at the kitchen table over dinner.
"Fishing with Billy. Going to a new spot. Should be good fun." Fishing good? Never in my wildest dreams would I find fishing good and in the least in any way fun. "I hope you come home with a good catch." I washed up as Charlie watched a game on the T.V. There was a knock on the door and I raced Charlie to answer it. "Edward." I almost barreled through the door smacking into it hard. "Bella. Careful." Edward admonished, but he smiled goofily. "Hi Edward." Charlie greeted.
"Hi Charlie. How are you?"
"C'mon." I grabbed Edward's hand and almost dragged him past Charlie to my bedroom. "Charlie." Edward politely farewelled, always the gentleman.
"Bella?" he questioned me.
"Can't I be eager to spend some quality with my boyfriend?"
"Yes, it just caught me off guard a bit." I guess he did have a point; the last time we saw each other was about two hours ago.
"Are you going to attack me?" Edward asked playfully with an edge of wickedness. I closed the door half way abiding Charlie's rules. "You wish," I played along, "I do too." We both laughed. Edward lounged on the bed his back against the wall his legs spread in a 'v'. He patted the area in front of him motioning for me to join him. I gladly did. He chuckled at my enthusiasm to comply. He brought me closer as I snuggled into him. I laid one had on this thigh and one over his hands wrapped around my waist. His hug was immoveable steel, yet gentle. I drew lazy circles on his hand with my fingers as I laid my head against his chest my neck clearly visible. We were very contented, satisfied, and so very happy in the comfortable silence. He pressed lips the top of my head breathing in the scent of my hair. He sighed even more complacent with our embrace. I closed my eyes enjoying the phenomenal experience of being with him. I felt him slowly bow his head nestling his face into the crook of my neck. I sighed happily and I felt him smile. His arms around me tightened some more as I began to rub the outside of his thigh with my leg. My heart began to quicken and I was sure he could feel it slam into his chest at the force of it. He chucked and I concluded that he had noticed. "Relax." He commanded.
"Do you know how silly that sounds?" I said frustrated. I felt his chest vibrate with his light laughter. I tingled all over. I still couldn't believe that this was happening to me. Isabella Swan with a vampire so madly in love with each other. If I ever wasted my money on fortunetellers I'd demand my money back if they had told me this. "What are you thinking?" He asked.
"How madly in love I am with you." my voice barely audible to myself. He moved one hand up to the side of my neck gently cradling it, caressing it softly. I slowly brought my hand up to the back of his neck playing with the ends of his hair. His lips began teasing the skin just below my ear. I shivered involuntary. "Isabella, the beautiful one." He whispered. "I wish." I said jokingly. I heard him growl in the back of his throat unhappy with my response. Ignoring him I turned my head towards him catching him on the lips mid-growl. Well that shut him up! "Quite delectable." My voice hummed with delight. He smiled aiming to trail butterfly kisses from my temple the bottom of my neck. There he rested his chin over my shoulder bringing his hand back down around my waist as I did as well. "I'll die a happy girl." I sighed giving no thought to what I had said. Second thoughts rushed through my head. I bit my tongue. Luckily his body rocked lightly with quiet laughter. He was always unpredictable with his moods as I was always guessing his reaction. "I love you Bella." He whispered.
"I know and I love you too Edward. You'll always remember that won't you?" I asked.
"Of course." He answered rolling his head so his face was turned into my neck. His cool breath gave me goose bumps. Noticing he began to rub his hands up and down my arms trying to keep my warm. We were like that I was told afterwards that I fell asleep in the position we were in when Charlie embarrassingly told Edward it was time to go.
"You're thinking about him again aren't you?" Rene noticed the smile on my face again. "Why don't you just ask him to come over?" she suggested.
"Mum he doesn't know and I don't want him to know?" I said frustrated. I really wasn't in the mood for explaining, but she was having none of it. "Bell-" she started. She didn't realize that I was having none of it. "Please mum I…. I'm just really not in the mood." I said a little too snappily. "Please." I said softer a pleading in my eyes.
"Okay Bella. Whatever you want." She kissed my forehead.
"Why?" I asked again. I was so suddenly tired I couldn't hold myself upright. I sat in a pathetic heap on the floor. "What's wrong?" I heard Jasper with Esme run into the room.
"What did you do to her?" Jasper's voice rough invaded my thoughts of Bella.
"No, Jasper. It's alright." Alice tried to compose herself. Esme came over to me placing a hand on my shoulder. I roughly rolled my shoulder forcing her back. Just as Jasper was about to say something Alice asked for them to leave. They left hesitantly closing the door behind them. "She told me three months ago." She started. I looked up. Her face was tear streaked, her hair mused and the blood almost dried along her arms. "Bella," her voice broke. She paused gathering herself. "Bella," she started again, "asked me if I had seen it. I had. She asked me not to say anything. To be careful what I thought of around you. It was so hard what she asked, but I promised her. Edward, she loves you so much. You need to, have to understand why she chose to do this."
"What leave me?"
"It's inevitable Edward." She said slowly testing if it were safe to continue. "She was going to pass away eventually. I love Bella like a sister and I would have changed her right then and there when she confided in me. But it wasn't my place to do it. She respected you for making the decision you did not to change her. She loves you for caring for her like nobody else did. She didn't want to hurt you than she already had. This is why she chose to leave. So the two of you would part happily." A million things passed through my mind so quickly jumbling from memory to emotion.
"And then what?" she understood what I meant referring to Bella passing away as much as it hurt to say.
"I was to give you this." She reached into her dresser and pulled out a small video recorder. My brows furrowed as a pressed play. Bella sat in the middle of the screen. My angel. I yearned for her touch. I muffled a cry wiping furiously at the tears clouding my vision.
I hope you enjoyed Part I of 'Too much is not Enough'. I enjoyed writing it. I love getting reviews and I would love if you would review and tell me what you think about it so far even if you don' t like it. I apologize for the grammar and spelling mistakes. Thanks again. Take care.