This is the second uploading of this story. It was deleted by the fanfiction(.)net administration for misrating. It was previously rated T for teen, which I consider to be quite appropriate, as this story contains no explicit sexual content, explicit violence or coarse language. I woke up one morning and found an automated email from the administration listing the story name and reason for deletion. The email gave no sign that anyone from the administration had actually read it to determine whether the abuse report was warranted.
Unlike cases involving plagiarism, there is no clear-cut line in misrating. I think it would be far more appropriate for the administration to send an email saying, "In our opinion, the story 'Zonked' should be placed in a higher rating bracket because..." or even "We have automatically placed your story 'Zonked' in a higher rating bracket because..."
If you are also of this opinion, then please send an email to the ff(.) net administration telling them so. Remember, polite letters are much less likely to be ignored. Also remember, the ff(.)net guys provide a remarkably complicated and well-organized service, which most of us enjoy for free, and deserve credit for all the things that they do right.
I do not own that fuzzy-eared hero of manga fame, nor his buds, foes or homeland. For that we must thank the most esteem'd Rumiko Takahashi.
(Bows deeply to the makers of "Futurama.")
WARNING: This story deals with issues of quasi-consentual activity. (But NOT in a way that violates ff(.)net's "T for Teen" rating. If you're over thirteen, see for yourself.)
Yes, this is the Hojo of This Can't Be Good. I needed a third guy, and the little doofus beat out Kouga, Sesshoumaru and Jaken. Further disclaimers will follow.
The following is identical to the previous version of this story except for one joke about leg hair.
"You had to get us into this!" snapped Inuyasha.
"Inuyasha," answered the monk, "you are overreacting. I may have brought some trouble upon us, but we got out of it safely, didn't we?"
"Houshi-sama," Sango interjected wearily as the chains around her arms and legs rasped against the damp stone wall. "If we got out of it, then how come we are still in a dungeon and surrounded by armed guards?"
The monk looked away, the cuffs on his wrists clanking hollowly. "Eheh..."
The day had started out ordinarily enough. ...compared to a day of watching Sesshoumaru and Jaken line-dance.
"Wow!" whispered Kagome as she looked down from their hiding place on the bluff. "Who knew that there were villages full of giant half-naked amazons in the middle of feudal Japan?"
"It's not like we haven't seen stranger things..." answered Inuyasha. "And there's a jewel shard down there?"
"I think so," she went on. "They don't look too mean—"
"Is that one using a leg bone for a scrunchie?"
"—so maybe we should just walk right in and ask around."
"Good idea," said Sango. "What do you think, Houshi-sama?
Miroku's eyes were still fixed on the scene below: Beautiful women carrying water. Beautiful women tending to animals. Beautiful women sharpening weapons. Beautiful women going about their business. Best of all, they were going about it wearing clothes that would make even skimpy-skirt Kagome blush to heaven.
"Houshi-sama?" Sango asked in alarm. "Are you crying?"
The monk gave a sniffle. "No..." Miroku tore his gaze away from the view. "Ah... What were we talking about?"
"The jewel shard in the village full of Amazon women," supplied a cheerful male voice.
Two pairs of eyes bored into that tufty head. "Tell me," Inuyasha asked, glaring at Hojo, "just why haven't we killed him yet?"
"I have my theories..." the monk mused.
SEGUE INTO MIROKUVISION
Kagome batted her big round eyes up at the dog demon. "Pleeeease?" she asked, one toe tooling on the ground. The girl reached up with one hand and skritchied Inuyasha's ears. "Pretty pretty pleeeease?" she crooned as Inuyasha's whole badass body quivered in sweet puppy delight.
"Oh sure," dismissed Hojo. "Like that ear-scratching thing works."
Kagome blushed and looked away. Inuyasha rubbed the back of his neck, and gave a cough. "Whatever," the dog demon scowled, turning away from the bluff. "Let's just get down there and the bouzu can con those ignorant cave-bitches out of their jewel shard so that I don't have to dull Tetsusaiga on their thick ugly skulls."
The five of them turned away from the bluff...
...right into a wall of plus-size spears. Miroku slowly looked upward as a fence of tall shadows stretched over the group.
"You were saying?" came a deep voice.
"Bring in the prisoners!" the booming voice of the Amazon ruler echoed hollowly.
One by one, Kagome, Inuyasha, Sango, Miroku and Hojo filed into the great stone hall, flanked by their ten-foot captors.
"Tell me, my dear lady," said Miroku, craning his neck, "would you bear my—GHAH!" He doubled over, clutching his stomach. "Sango? What was that for?"
"Not now," muttered the taijiya.
"Who knew that you could build a village hall into the side of an active volcano?" whispered Hojo.
"Shut up," Inuyasha and Miroku muttered in unison.
The stone expanse echoed hollowly as The Amazon queen sat heavily on a throne decked with multicolored pelts. Her thick purple hair was twisted up in a crown made of a combination of wolf skulls and some very impressive pottery. She extended one arm toward them. "Who will state the crimes of the accused?"
"I will, oh massive-yet-feminine one!" came a deep female voice.
"Urga the Spearmaid may speak!"
"I will tell how the one with the purple dress gave offense!"
"It's not a—" Miroku sighed. "Never mind."
"Anyone else?" asked the queen.
A hundred giant hands shot into the air.
"Okay," continued the queen. "Let's just start at the beginning..."
"Welcome to our village," toned Urga, waving one tanned trunk of an arm at the massive huts. "Long ago, all of the men of our tribe died out from a mysterious illness, but the women drank deeply of the holy spring, which gave us strength, height, long life and a craving for choco-poofs."
"Fascinating..." murmured Miroku, gaze fixed at eye level. ...his eye level.
"Over the centuries, we have developed our civilization to great heights," the ten-foot Amazon went on. "Especially in the areas of combat, archery and cow femur jewelry." She gestured to the bone running horizontally though her nose.
"Ooooo..." Sango mused in admiration.
"You must forgive our rude greeting earlier," Gorga continued her sister's welcome. "We are unused to outsiders. Our isolation in these mountains has been both our blessing and our curse."
"We are especially unused to males," said Urga. "Perhaps you can tell me..." She opened her mouth and then closed it again, scratching. "...what are they for?"
"Um..." Kagome trailed off, then beckoned for Urga to lean down. The Amazon complied – making Miroku very happy – and Kagome whispered in her stone-pierced ear.
Urga recoiled. "You made that up! "
"I did not!" Kagome answered, hands on her hips.
"What did she say?" demanded Gorga.
Urga whispered in her ear.
Gorga gave a voluminous gasp. "No, sister! She's talking about snoo-snoo!"
The word rippled outward like a heat wave through the village center. Nearly the entire throng of women set down their assorted chores and approached the two guards and the newcomers.
"That's what that is?" asked Urga.
"Snoo-snoo has been unknown here ever since the Amazonian men died out," intoned Gorga. "What little we know of the practice comes from ancient texts, most notably The Joy of Snoo-Snoo, and Snoo-Snoo for Dummies. "
"Urga, Gorga..." asked another woman. "What are those?"
"Aren't they adorable?"
"This one's wearing a purple dress!"
"Dress?" blinked Miroku.
"Awwww! Look at the tiny outsiders!" one of them squealed deeply.
"This one has bunny ears!" said another, who promptly picked up Inuyasha and huggled him.
"Put me down!" protested Inuyasha.
"Yes," Kagome said darkly. "Put him down."
"I can't believe you brought males here," protested a spiky-haired Amazon wearing a charm bracelet of chicken skulls.
"It's no big deal," said Gorga. "Our ideas about males are probably based on our own forgetful ignorance and xenophobia. These three do not seem so bad."
"Yes," agreed Urga, coming to stand beside her sister. "So far, they have been decent guests, and—" Suddenly they both stopped, giving out identical eeeping noises at least four octaves higher than their usual registers. The two sisters parted, revealing a chuckling monk with both hands extended.
And while Ollar the weaver was at work at her loom, the shuttle suddenly stuck and snagged.
And Kelmey the laundress.
And Grekka the smith.
And Minnie from accounting.
And the Amazon queen, during the trial.
"Eeeeeeeeep! Restrain the prisoner!"
Sango said something quite unladylike under her breath as two bulky guards hauled Miroku back toward the rest of them.
"What of the other accused?" demanded the queen.
"The one with the fuzzy ears insulted Amazon intelligence and architecture," answered Gorga.
" It's not a cave," said Urga. "It's an underground stronghold."
"Yeah!" echoed a few hundred mannish voices.
"And what of the one with big deep cow eyes that one could just fall into?"
"Ham ham ham..." Hojo sang to himself as he walked. "It's all in the haaaaaaaaamster song... WHOOFF—" the boy suddenly tripped, tumbling down the slight hillside straight into a standing loom, which toppled over, ruining its half-woven contents and spooking a herd of jumbo mountain sheep, which stampeded through a nearby fence into a fruit garden, sending chopped and broken bits of muddy, fructose-laden goo raining down on anyone within a fifty-yard radius.
"I said I was sorry!" called Hojo.
"Silence!" cried the queen. "And what of the offenses of the outsider Sango and the outsider Kagome?"
"Nothing," Gorga shrugged. "They just asked if we were taking new pledges this term."
"And they brought a giant kitty!" added Kelmey, huggling Kirara under the arms.
"Release the prisoners Kagome and Sango!"
"Thank you, great queen," Kagome called out as the guard removed her chains, "but what about our friends?"
"They are sentenced to DEATH—"
Miroku blinked. "Well alright then."
"Wait..." Sango shook her head. "No no no no no!"
"Umm... Your high—majesty-ness?" began Hojo. "Did you know that you can't actually die from—GUUURF!" he doubled over as Miroku kicked him in the gut.
"Shut up, Hojo!"
Inuyasha gave a viscous snarl. "If 'snoo-snoo' means what I think it means, then no way am I doin' it with a buncha' big ugly ogre women!"
"Inuyasha," soothed the monk. "Try to be more accepting."
"The fuzzy-eared intruder shall be snoo-snood by the large women," began the queen, "while the intruder in the purple dress shall be snoo-snood by the petite women. The one called 'Hojo,' as the most masculine of the invaders, shall be snoo-snood by the most beautiful women of our village."
Miroku scowled. "Lucky—"
"...then the large women."
"...then the petite women."
"—a BITCH! "
"...and then the large women again."
Hojo blanched. "Can't we just cuddle?"
"TAKE THEM AWAY!"
"Here are your friends' personal effects," said the woman behind the counter.
"Thank you," Kagome gritted out, kicking her legs as she hung from the counter by one armpit. "Hiraikotsu, coming down!" she called as she used her free arm to slide the giant boomerang to the edge of the stone slab.
"Got it!" Sango answered, catching the weapon smoothly and setting it at her feet.
"Okay! Here comes Miroku's staff."
"Ready!" Sango answered. The taijiya shook her head. "What are we going to do about this, Kagome?"
"About what?" she asked.
Sango caught the staff and readied for Kagome's quiver. She breathed in to answer.
Loud voices split the air. "LEAVE ME ALONE YOU DEEP-VOICED SHE-BASTARDS!"
"About that, Kagome! That was Inuyasha!"
"GIMME BACK MY SHORTS!"
"HOLD STILL FUZZY MAN!" the Amazon guard was shouting. "YOU MUST GET CLEAN FOR SNOO-SNOO!"
"I DON'T WANNA TAKE A BATH, YOU BITCHES!"
Kagome sighed. "Well at least we're getting something out of this fiasco."
"The execution is going to begin as soon as the large women get back from patrol!" Sango insisted. "I would have thought that the idea of Inuyasha ... snoo-ing other women would bother you more."
"It would," she answered. "But it's not going to happen."
"How can you be so sure?" asked Sango.
"All we have to do is explain the situation to the queen, and she'll stop it."
"Situation?" asked Sango. "What situation?"
"Tetsusaiga, coming down," called Kagome.
The exterminator caught the sheathed blade.
"...oh," she realized.
"Your majesty, you must stop the execution!" implored Kagome.
"And why should I do that?" asked the queen.
"Our friend has a dangerous condition," explained Sango. "When he is in a life-threatening situation, he turns into a mindless beast!"
"Yes!" said Kagome. "He just keeps going and going! He can't stop himself!"
"It's true! He feels neither weariness nor pain," said Sango.
"I must thank you for informing me of this," the queen answered resolutely. "We must amend your friends' fate immediately." She then turned to whisper to one of her aides, who quickly fetched a piece of paper. The queen took it, and scuffed something out with the edge of her robe. "This is the intruders' sentencing document," she explained. "The large women..." she recited, dipping her pen into the ink, "...and ...the ...queen..." she scratched in.
"Wha-wha-whaaaat!" Kagome squawked.
The taijiya clapped a hand over Kagome's mouth. "Eheh," she smiled helplessly. "Excuse us, your majesty..." she said, hauling an irate and kicking Kagome backwards out of the room.
"I don't get it! What went wrong?" Kagome wondered aloud.
"We need a new plan," Sango mused. "Put this on," she tossed the miko a wad of cloth.
"What's this?" Kagome asked, holding up what looked like a white homespun bikini halter top.
"Eheh," Sango scratched the back of her neck. "New pledges' uniforms?"
Kagome narrowed her eyes as Sango tried to hold down the blush.
"Well," she sighed. "If ya can't beat 'em..."
"Dammit, it's cold in here!" Inuyasha wrapped his arms around himself. He scowled down at the animal skin kilt / breechcloth snugged around his hips. "I feel like an idiot in this thing! Why won't they give us our real clothes back?"
Miroku sighed. "Inuyasha, do you need me to spell it out for you?"
"Well guys," Hojo choked out as the three of them were led shoulder-to-shoulder into the execution chamber, "it looks like this is it."
"Before we go," Miroku said quietly, "there's something I need to say to you, Hojo. ...but I'm not sure if I have the words."
"What is it?"
"I hate you and I hope you die."
"It's all right, man," Hojo clapped a hand on Miroku's shoulder, the other over his heart. "I've always known."
"Shut up, you two!" snarled Inuyasha. "I'm trying to think of a way out of this."
"Do not dream of escape, yummy invaders!" snarled Gorga, giving Hojo a good thump with the butt of her spear. "Resign yourselves to your fates!"
"My lady," Miroku clenched a fist against his chest, freely ogling the contents of her tank top, "I am resigned."
Silence descended on the throng of giant women as the queen raised both stone-bangled arms. "Here stand the men whom Amazon justice has found guilty! Let the snoo-snooing begin!" The crowd answered with a huge roar. "...I will go first!" supplied the queen.
Inuyasha snickered. "Looks like the first potential mother of your heirs is ready for you, bouzu. Let's just hope that she can—HRRRK!" both Inuyasha's clawed hands flew to his neck as the queen dragged him backwards toward an alcove rigged with a privacy curtain.
"Come with me, little invader!" Kelmey snickered at Hojo.
The boy blanched. "But I'm saving myself for Ms. Right!" he cried as she hefted him over her shoulder, stomped toward Snoo-Snoo Chamber #2 and skrikked the curtain shut.
Miroku swallowed hard, suddenly very aware of just how relative a term "petite" could be. His eyes shifted to the first alcove. He could already hear shouting from within...
"Get down from there!" the Amazon queen poked Inuyasha with a broom handle.
"No!" he snarled, clinging to the stalactite.
Miroku's heart pounded like a hyperactive drum. He could barely believe that such a thing could truly happen to him. Of course, he had always hoped... He did have a momentary qualm. All of this would surely upset—
"Sango!" Kagome's voice came muffled through the curtain. "Now!"
"I've got it, Kagome!"
From beyond the confines of Snoo-Snoo Chamber #3, there was a shrieking roar, as if three hundred assorted large, petite and beautiful Amazon women had just cried out in glee and horror. Gorga narrowed her eyes. "Hold that thought, tiny prisoner," she told him, stomping out of the room.
She did not come back.
Miroku frowned, and took hold of the curtain to poke his head outside.
Sango spotted him immediately. "Houshi-sama!" she called. "We're here to rescue you!"
"Thank you, my dear, Sango," Miroku answered dully as he stepped toward her, "but couldn't you have waited another—" his bright violet eyes shot wide open. "What are you wearing?" he demanded, gaze running from her naked ankles past her naked knees to her almost-naked hips over her naked midriff and her please-God-just-another-inch halter top and back.
Sango heaved a disgusted sigh. "They make the newcomers wear these. It's my disguise."
"How did you manage to distract the villagers?" he wondered aloud.
Sango pointed to the vestibule. There...
There were beautiful women knocking each other down. There were beautiful women putting each other in headlocks. There were beautiful women struggling, grabbing and biting and their limited garments were nowhere near equal to the task.
"It turns out Kagome had three packs of choco-poofs in her pack the whole time! We just tossed them into the crowd and they went wild." She shook her head. "Just look at the fight."
"That is not a problem."
"Stop fooling around! We have to make good our escape!" Sango shook out her hand. "I just hope that Kagome managed to bring the Tetsusaiga to Inuyasha before—"
Miroku sighed. "This is why we never get invited back anywhere nice."
"Well that was educational," Hojo commented in a relieved monotone.
"Speak for yourself," Inuyasha snapped back, picking a foot-long leg hair out of his claws.
"Sango," said the monk. "Remember when you told me that one day I would get a taste of my own medicine? Well..." he stepped closer.
"Yes, Houshi-sama?" Sango placed one hand on his shoulder. "What have you—EEEEEP!"
"I guess there isn't a cure." Kagome sighed. "It looks like this is one jewel shard that we're going to have to skip."
Inuyasha shrugged. "Maybe," his grin turned evil. "...but I'd love to see Naraku try getting his hands on it."
Some time later...
Naraku glared at the Amazon queen. So these foolish ogre-women thought that anything within their power could drive fear into his blackened heart? Soon they would know the wrath of the most evil demon ever to—
"...then the petite women. ...then the large women a fourth time. ...then the petite women again..."
Naraku cowered down into his baboon skin. "Can't we just cuddle?"
This sketch is a shameless rip-off of Futurama episode, "Amazon Women in the Mood," which can be viewed on Adult Swim or late-night TBS. Inuyasha and co. are, as always, the creations of the inestimable Rumiko Takahashi. Special thanks go to Midoriko-sama's, "The Hamster Song."