My worst fear
AN/ That was the hardest part I've had to write – here it is, hope you like. Thanks for the reviews
I've walked this corridor so many times, maybe this time I'll get further than the nurses station. I know that I should never have left like I did, and I know that I should have never left it this long to come back but I'm just so scared, I can't deal with this. Taking deep breaths as I came closer I wanted more than anything to take the step past my previous position. There are people crowding the corridors so I'm weaving in and out of the people. Nick offered to come with, and so had Greg, this was something that I needed to do though – I needed to face my fear of facing Catherine and Lindsey. Here I am now, this is the spot I got to before and then turned walking away. Come on Sidle, you can't keep avoiding this. I took a few deep breaths before I walked a little further, I'm not going to lie I thought about walking again, but something stopped me. I think it's the feeling I had in me that morning when I woke up and Catherine was not been at my side.
It took me about five attempts to get to the room I'd been instructed that Lindsey had been taken to. And now here I was stood out side of room 111, my hand on the door handle. You'd think I was a teenager starting a new high school or a prisoner going to their death – it's what it felt like. I took one deep, slow breath and did what I had to do –
I pushed it open, but that's as far as I got. The door way between the hospital corridor and the hospital room that I'd put Catherine's little girl in. There she was lay on the hospital bed, asleep, battered and bruised with a bandage on her head. That was all I was seeing, the little kid I'd hurt. Suddenly I was hit with the images of the accident all over again – in slow motion and the loud screams – the fear. I choked up, I had no idea why I came.
I couldn't breath now, it was too hard. What the hell was I doing here?
Go over there Sara…just go over! my mind screamed – come on. I just didn't know what to do.
The room was empty, just myself and Lindsey – I walked over to the corner of the room and stood there. Without any warning tears began to fall – I brushed them away angrily. Then took a step forward, then another, and another – until I was at the bed side. Reaching forward I took her hand in mine. "Hey Slugger…" I choked out softly. That's all that I could manage – I lent into the bed and looked down at her face. Her beautiful face. The tears came faster now, harder – I sobbed softly – "I'm so sorry…so sorry…"
That's when I felt it someone wrap their arms around me from behind. I moved with them as they turned me and pulled me into them. I moved to her shoulder, I placed my head on Catherine's shoulder. That was who was holding me now – I could tell by the way her hand was wrapped around my waist. "I so sorry"
"Shush… calm baby…calm down" Catherine tried. I couldn't – the tears I'd been holding in all escaped. I used my one good arm to support myself on Catherine – "That's it…just let it all out"
No, this wasn't how it was supposed to go – I was the one who caused this – I shouldn't get her sympathy. I shouldn't. I tried to push away but she just tightened on her grip.
"I did that" I say.
"No…you didn't…baby…you didn't"
And that was it – the moment I hated myself even more. The moment I looked into her eyes and saw it – the anger, pain, hurt … she was in an emotional mess just as I were. "I'm sorry…" I whisper lowly. And I was, I was so very sorry that I'd left her.
She just looked away to her daughter, and I moved out of her arms. She stopped me by taking my hand… well the one that worked anyway. "Hold me" she said. It was the least I could do. After everything that I did… I wrapped my one arm around her waist and then the other that was still been held in a cast, she did lean back as I struggled to stop crying – I moved into her – "Do you hate me?"
She looked down at my hands, "Later" she offered as I could tell she was close to tears herself. I had no doubt we'd do this later – I wasn't going to get away with abandoning them easy. Right now though, she was here for her daughter.
"I needed you" They were the first words she's said since we'd gotten into the Denali.
I couldn't look at her; I didn't even know what to say. She was at the moment driving my Denali since hers was a scrap and I couldn't exactly drive with my own injuries. My silence angers her further as she brings her hands down hard on the stearing wheel – "GOD DAMN IT SARA… I NEEDED YOU!" That was a level I'd never seen from Catherine, a level of anger that I knew I was responsible for. I didn't have anything to say – I have no idea what to do. "That it…you not going to say anything?"
"What can I say?" I ask her. "you think its easy for me?"
"You think it's easy for me…the two people who I love are hurt – and I don't know what to do"
"You love?" I ask.
She turns her head, "Yeah… I love you God damn it. I am in love with you… I can't do this alone Sara… don't push me away. I can take it" She was pleading with me now. "I've sat, night after night … worrying about you. All I wanted was for you to hold me."
"I'm sorry…I'm sorry Catherine…I am…about what I did, how I handled it. I just, I can take it …"
"You think I can? Please … don't leave me… don't…"
I closed my eyes and leant against the chair. "I'm a fuck up"
I felt her hand against my hand, then down my arm and then I took a deep breath – and she moved into me. "Kiss me" she says softly. "Just make it okay"
"I can't" I mumble, "I can't make it okay…"
"As long as your with me… it will be okay" She moved her hand onto my neck – "I want you with me"
"I haven't been able to even look at myself Catherine…how can you"
"Because I… I love you" I saw it in her eyes, she really did love me, she really did. I backed up away from her and against the door of the SUV – she just nodded her head. "Come back with me?" she asked. I nodded softly – fear. I knew that her sister had shown up to take over shift – thank god I'd already been outside having a smoke so I hadn't had to deal with that. Honestly, I really don't think Catherine was happy to smell the smoke on me – she hated me smoking – she hadn't said anything though not that I expect her to.
Moving my hand I took hold of hers – "I love you… I fucked up" my voice is low and strained and I'm close, once again to tears. She responded by kissing me softly against my lips – then pulling me into a close hug. I cried – AGAIN!
"God damn it…" Catherine shouted as she slammed her hand down onto the sink. I hared her from where I was changing into a fresh, tearless tank top –
I moved – from where I was and walked into the bathroom – my heart re broke- again! I instantly moved to her – and held her tight. Both of us sank down to the floor and I did what I should have done since I woke up in the hospital – held her. And she wanted me to, she pushed her head against my shoulder, and sank further into me. Her hands gripped my, now no longer tear free shirt. The hardest thing to do was look into her eyes, I blamed me for this- there was nothing that could take away.
"Cry it out" I offered through my own tears.
"Don't leave me…ever again … please… d….don't"
"I won't" I promise as I press my lips against her forehead. She shook and trembled in my arms
– What have I done?
Thanks for reading, this part may be altered or changed at a later point.