Note: I'd only seen the movie once before writing this, and I even missed some of it. I didn't mean for this story to be so damn long. I don't really think it's great. But I spent such an obscene amount of type writing it that I'm almost forced to post it. If you hate it, let me know. I'd rather hear it's terrible than have no response. Sorry if I got anything major wrong, and I'm sorry for the stupidity. Flame if you want, just please don't take this too seriously!
Shaun of The U.S.!
Shaun told her not to go out to the shed, but she had, and now she was dead. Now he had to kill Ed. He couldn't play video games with this man anymore. Crying, Shaun raised the shovel. Two whacks and it had been done. Shaun threw the shovel down and sobbed as he went into his house. He packed up his suitcase. "This is it, then. I'm leaving this bloody country. I'm moving to the good old US of A and I'm gonna start a new life", Shaun said. After packing up, he brushed what hair he had left, straightened his tie and got in the car.
When Shaun got to the airport there were no planes available for America. Shaun waited around untill there was one and he got on. Shaun traveled on the plane untill it reached American soil. He stepped out and took a big breath. "Now this is more like it! Sunshine! No more gloom and doom! Look at that frigging billboard, it's huge! There are trees everywhere! Look how busy everything is. OH BOY!" Shaun said in ecstasy. He rushed out into the street, dodging cars, and made his way into a bar. "Oooh, what a great place. Can I have some chips?" asked Shaun. Shaun didn't like the potato crisps he was given but he ate them anyway. "When in Rome, right!" said Shaun. The bartender, who had greasy hair, grinned cheesily at him. "Haha, I love it here! Where the hell am I anyway?" said Shaun. "New Jersey. So where'd you come in from?" asked the bartender.
Suddenly, the door to the bar was broken down by a zombie. "Oh, for...what are you doing here? I can't take anymore! You know what! I'm tired of being afraid! I'm not gonna be afraid!" said Shaun. He picked up a chair and bashed the zombie over the head with it. The zombie fell down and Shuan finished it off. "You just killed that guy!" said someone at the bar. "No, no, it was a zombie, no bother. I can't believe you people haven't heard about the whole Z-Day thing." Shaun said with surprise. Shaun proceeded to fill them in. "You're kidding! That's terrible! We haven't heard a thing about it", said a woman named Betsy. Shaun shrugged. "Yheah, well, I lost everyone I knew. I don't really like to talk about it", said Shaun, finishing his crisps.
"Well, that was probably an isolated incident, Shaun. I'm sure you're safe now, here in America. You can get some sun on that pale skin and get yourself aquainted with all the nooks, crannies and great open spaces of the good old US of A." said the bartender. "Thanks mate. I hope you're right. Probably wrong about that sun, though, I'll burn to a crisp! Hahah", said Shaun.
An hour later he left the bar with a couple of new friends. When he said he didn't have a place to live a couple of guys said he could share their flat, or apartment as they prefered. "You guys are bloody brilliant!" Shaun slurred happily, an arm around each one of the American's as they led him to their building. "No, YOU are a riot man! You're gonna be so entertaining to have around", said one of the guys. Shaun raised his eyebrows. "Entertaining? Me? Sure, well, I could try..." Shaun was cut off when someone came slowly shuffling out from behind a corner, a glazed look in her eyes. Shaun stopped. "Whoa! What's wrong?" asked one of Shaun's new friends. "Erm, I think it is one. In fact, I'm sure it is one. Anyone got a blunt or sharp object?" said Shaun. "You're kidding. Another one? What did you bring them with you?" said one of the Americans, panicking. "Now, now, don't panick, there. We just have to get its brain disabled, that's all. I'm sure your government will handle this situation like ours did, after awhile..." Shaun said. "Fuck this!" said one of the guys. "Yheah!" said the other. "What?" said Shaun. Shaun suddenly felt himself being pummeled forward into the zombie. "Yaah!" said Shaun. He pulled away as the creature tore at his clothes, her teeth reaching for his neck. "Help me! Help me you bloody bastards!" Shaun yelled. He turned to see the two guys running off the way they'd come.
Shaun let loose a torrent of expletitives. "YANKEE TWATS! WHERE'S YOUR PRIDE -- AAHHH! GET OFF!" yelled Shaun. Just then Shaun spotted another one coming from around the other bend. "Oh, PERFECT!" said Shaun. As the other one approached, Shaun did the same thing with the first zombie that the two yanks had done with him; throwing her at the approaching offender. They fell over and Shaun took off. "Cripes, I thought I was leaving all this behind meee!" he said as he tore through the streets.
Shaun finally entered a place called CVS and stood panting in front of the inside entrance. People looked at him. He held out a hand. "Alright, I don't want to alarm anyone, and I hate to be the one to break this to you, but you have a distinct zombie problem in your country", said Shaun. "Hey, buddy, is there a problem?" called a guy from behind the counter. "Yes, could you please lock the doors?" said Shaun, approaching the man. "Hmm?" said the guy. "Lock all the doors at once!" said Shaun, going behind the counter. "Alright, I'm gonna need you to get out from behind the counter", said the guy. "Right, just get the keys and lock the door, before it's too late, I'm telling you there's not much time." said Shaun.
A couple of security guards seemed to come out of nowhere to accoust Shaun and escort him out from behind the counter. "I'm not the problem, here, believe me! It's them you need to be nervous about! Oh, no, don't throw me out THERE!" said Shaun, as they moved him towards the door. As he approached and the first set of doors opened automatically, Shaun dug his heels into the floor and squeaked along as he was pulled along. "No, no, no, don't put me out THERE..." Shaun whined. "Don't make us have to call the police, sir", said one of the security guards. Just as they reached the outer entrance and it opened for the struggling Shaun, a new zombie was there to meet them. "What the hell? How many of you crazy, bombed morons are there out tonight?" asked one of the security guards. "No, no, I don't know him you idiots! DON'T!" yelled Shuan as they tossed him into the zombie. "I'm getting tired of that", said Shuan. He was still near enough to the doors so they hadn't closed. Shaun stuck a leg back in, aware that the doors could accidentally close on it but desperate. He was trying to fight off the zombie. He looked back to see the security guards looking on in bemused trepidation. "Help me! Help me, quick!" Shuan said. Shuan moved back into the glass hallway of automatic doors, the zombie coming with him. "Right, we'll settle this inside", said Shuan. He pushed past the guards and the inner set of doors opened for him and the zombie as they sort of tangoed inside. People in the store screamed.
"Sharp or blunt object would be useful, please... uh, hello? SHARP OR BLUNT!" screamed Shuan. After a moment, a girl of about 11 ran up to him with a small decorative American flag. "That's all?" said Shuan. He shook his head, then after a moment's struggle, he managed to drive the pointy end of the flag directly into the zombie's eye. More screaming came from the store. The zombie seemed dazed but not finished. Shuan turned and saw the display where the girl had gotten the flag. He seized a fistful of flags, holding them spike outward, and ran forward jamming them into the zombie as hard as he could. The zombie fell, motionless. "There, I think it's finished", said Shuan. He turned back to the guy behind the counter. "Now can we lock the doors?" he asked with a hopefully polite smile.
Police were called. On the way into the store the police had to blow away two more zombies. Shuan called out to them and pointed at his head and at the zombies when they were having difficulty.
Once inside the police were all over Shaun, since he was the only one who seemed to know anything about what was happening. "Contact Tony Blaire, he'll tell you these things. Am I the only British person you can ask?" Shaun asked, yawning. He wanted to go to bed. "Say, any good hotels around here? Something with good security?" Shaun asked.
The cops were kindly enough to drive him to a hotel after a period of more questioning. Shaun enjoyed seeing more of America's streets, even if there were a few zombies roaming them.
"Thanks. Right. Cheerio." said Shaun. He whistled as he trotted up into the hotel. "Ah, splended in here. You know, this country is just one big ball of entertainment. Might I have a room?" said Shaun. He then noticed that the woman at the desk was a zombie. "Ohh, noooo" moaned Shaun. "Damn it!" he said, looking around for a tool. He grabbed a heavy, horse shaped paperweight. "Oh," he said. He took care of the former employee. "I guess I'll just get my own keys", Shaun said. "Sorry," he said, stepping over the woman's body. He soon was heading up the stairs. He peaked around each corner of the hallway. It looked clear. Shaun unlocked his room and stepped inside. "Aaahhh." he sighed, relieved. He locked the door behind him. "And this is where my arse will be untill they take care of this rubbish" he said.
As he lay on the bed and stared off, he thought of Liz and Ed, of his mum and the others. He lay there in sadness, and he began to wish he'd stayed in England. There the problem had been resolved already, well, mostly resolved, and it was the place where all of his friends and family rested in pieces. "No, forget all that. Buggar it all. This is my new home. This thing'll blow over and I'll start all over. Pretty soon I'll be saying things like 'y'all' and 'pants' for trousers and not for underwear and God knows what else. I'll say 'boyyy' with an American accent. And I'll do it all alone cus all my friends are dead!" said Shaun, starting to cry. He slapped his face. "No! I'm not going to think about it. None of it. I'm staying right here till it's over", said Shuan. He heard a low thud at his room door. "Go away!" he snapped.