As they went they could see zombies trailing them. They would stop occasionally to fire back at them. "God, how many are there? I thought they hate deserted places", said Betsy. "Some must have followed us, and then some followed them. Pack mentality", sighed Shaun.
They trekked on through the forest. The sludged through the mud. They burned in the sun and shivered in the shade. They fired back here and there, but there always seemed to be more. "You know, I'm begining to think it's something about me," said Shaun, holding the cramp in his side and breathing shallowly. "That doesn't make any sense," said Betsy. "Do zombies really make sense? You know, I bet if I left, they'd leave you alone. Maybe if I'd never come to America they never would have come here." said Shaun. "They're killing people all over the place, they're not just after you. It's a coincidence they showed up at the same time you did" Betsy said. "Probably. But maybe there's something about me that they really like", said Shaun. "Like the scent of Shaun draws them in?" asked Betsy. "Um, could be. I try to bathe, you know. It's hard when zombies are after you", said Shaun. "You know what I think, Shaun? It's cuz you're depressed. You think like a zombie and they're drawn to you", said Keanu. "Thanks, mate", said Shaun. "No, I'm just bein' honest" said Keanu. "Well, if that's true then they must be particularly interested in half the human population", said Shaun. They continued on for another 10 or 15 minutes.
"Hey look, a cabin", said Shaun. There was a cozy little log cabin up ahead of them. "You think anybody's in there?" grunted Keanu. They journeyed on and reached the cabin. "It's deserted", said Betsy. "After you", said Shaun. "What a cozy little place." said Shaun. He banged on the walls. "Sturdy", he said.
"Ok, folks, they're coming. Lock and load", said a guy aiming out the window. The entire group except for Keanu began firing out of windows and the front door at the approaching zombies. When it would seem that they'd all been destroyed, time would pass but after an hour or so, a new group would come. "What the hell is this, a zombie army!" asked Betsy, growing hysterical. They were running out of ammunition. "They want me, they want me" moaned Shaun. "No, Shaun, don't even talk like that!" said Betsy. "I should go join all my departed loved ones", said Shaun. "We need you here!" said Betsy. "I'll do you more good leading them off into the woods. They can devour me and even if they come back for you, you'll have moved on farther ahead..." said Shaun. "Fuck that! You've got to stop this! Look, maybe Keanu's right! You think like a dead man and you attract them. Liven up! Come on, everybody liven up! Let's throw a party in here! Yheah! Wheee!" said Betsy. The others stared at her as if she had gone mad. After a pause, Shaun lept up and howled in glee. "YEEESSS! I... am revitalized! I feel so alive! Yay! Hurray! Everybody! Yay! Hay! Hurray!" said Shaun.
"Yay... hay... hurray!" said the others between firing their weapons. After a few minutes, someone said, "They're still coming". "Ok, maybe I was wrong", said Keanu, who was sprawled out on the floor behind the action. "We're gonna be out of bullets in about 30 seconds" said Betsy. Keanu rolled away from it all and looked out through a small hole in the wall of the cabin. "Guys?" said Keanu. Keanu saw shambling, decaying feet approaching the cabin. "Guys, they're comign from the back too. We're surrounded", said Keanu, and then he died of shock.
"WHAT!" said Shaun. "Ok, now I'm just getting pissed off! Keanu? Keanu?" said Shaun. The bullets ran out. The group struggled to close all the windows and the door quickly. There were no locks. They shoved the table up against the door. The zombies were everywhere. They were pounding on the cabin. "We could be ok in here. The don't seem that strong. I don't think they'll be able to get in." said Betsy.
Everyone huddled up on the floor, waiting. The thumping outside was like being in a hailstorm. "They'll never get in, they're just, well, zombies. They can't think. They can't figure out how to-- " Shaun was interrupted by a mighty boom at the door. Slowly, Shaun stood up. He looked at the window, around the zombie faces that were looking in, and spied five zombies trying to break down the door with a large log. Shaun's jaw dropped. The door banged open.
Shaun leapt in front of Betsy as the zombies came in in a flood. "THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!" screamed a woman just before she was devoured. "Oh, God..." said Shaun. He and Betsy turned to the back window to try to escape, but the zombies were all around the house in a great crowd. They were coming in through the front door and there was no escape. They tried to fight by bashing the zombies with the guns, but there were too many of them and they seemed to be working together to thwart the humans. Suddenly, as the zombies closed in on Shaun and Betsy huddled in a corner, Shaun exclaimed at the top of his voice, "HELP ME ED!".
And he had a vision. Ed was floating there before him, translucent and glowing. "Bum", said Ed. "What?" asked Shaun. "Yer bum, or in America, butt. Gotta... go..." Ed said, and his image flickered away. "Wha? My BUM? Oh, God, I'll try anything!" said Shaun. He yanked down his pants, stood up and mooned the zombies. "Shaun, what the hell?" said Betsy. "Ed's ghost told me, just shut your eyes and pray for the best", said Shaun. Betsy put her hands over her eyes. Shaun, sweat beads on his forehead, was absolutely scandalised when he felt a clammy hand touch his left buttcheek. "ED WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK!" called Shaun. "Shaun, turn around a second", said Betsy. Shaun did. Betsy gasped. "What? I know it's pale and stuff..." said Shaun. "No, there's a mark here. A mark, it's Anubis, the Egyptian guardien of the dead. This is a great spiritual mark" said Betsy. Shaun blinked. "I can see it. Haven't you ever noticed it before? The little red dots on your butt form a very clear drawing of Anubis" said Betsy. There was groaning from the zombies. "You'd better face them again. They like seeing that. Don't you see, Shaun? You were marked with a special sign. Guardien of the dead. These zombies, somewhere inside there's something that's saying 'let me cross over', they're crying out for passage to the otherside. You were given the special mark and that's why they're following you, but they didn't know it, but now they're mesmerized!" said Betsy, seeming excited. "Betsy, you're really starting to disturb me greatly", said Shaun. "Look, I know I'm a new age freak, but it's working isn't it?" said Betsy. Shaun sighed, shaking his head in bewilderment. "So what am I supposed to do? Just stand here and let them gawk at my rump untill I die?" said Shaun.
"Well, you could cut it off and throw it to them.", said Betsy. "WHAT?" said Shaun. "They'd probably follow it. I'll try to think of something better though", said Betsy. They stayed like that for several minutes. Shaun hunched over with his arse exposed, Betsy lost in thought, the zombies staring mindlessly and brought to a standstill. "This is the most awkward moment I've ever experienced" said Shaun. "I think I know what to do. We've got to find The Egyptian Book of The Dead", said Betsy. "Is that a real book?" said Shaun. "I think so. Maybe you can take on the role of Anubis and help them somehow." said Betsy. Shaun groaned. "Oh, I don't want to! Whoops, excuse me", said Shaun, glancing back at the zombies who were still staring at his bum. "What choice is there?" said Betsy. "If I'm some kind of voodoo guru then I should just be able to make something up. Alright, you lost ghouls, just listen up now, right? By the power of my arse I order you all to stop being zombies and cross over! I command thee!" said Shaun, shoving his arse backwards and knocking a zombie over. "Shaun! It's working! Look, it's dissolving!" said Betsy. "Really? Awesome!" said Shaun. He spent the next two days blessing zombies by exclaiming some nonsense and pushing them away with his arse. Betsy hauled the bodies of the others outside and buried them. There were no survivors except her and Shaun. Finally, when it was all over, Shaun cracked his back and finally was able to stand up and relax. "There's got to be more out there", said Betsy. "The government will deal with the rest eventually, right? Unless I'm hunted down, I'm not saving anymore zombie souls" said Shaun.
Finally, the place seemed to be cleared out. Betsy and Shaun put their arms around eachother and looked out from the front door of the cabin. It was a beautiful blue skied day. The air was fresh now that the bodies were buried and the zombies were gone. "So, where do you want to go now?" said Betsy. "Let's stay right here. Let's live in this fine cabin in the woods." said Shaun. "Let's", agreed Becky. They went back inside the cabin.