Author's Note: This is my twisted, sadistic, very un-romantic DaTR story. There is a lack of good DaTR on the site anymore (most of the stuff is either ZaDR, Mary Sues, etc.). The point of this? Something between wanting to write a Valentine's Day story and wanting to try my hand at DaTR. I love Tak to death. She's seriously my favorite non-major character. I know by the time this is finished, Valentine's Day will probably be over, but what the heck. :P I've been wanting to do this for a while.

"Fausse amie" is French for "false friend", singular feminine form. The masculine form is "faux ami", which coincidentally also means "false cognate", or two words in different languages that look/sound the same but mean different things.

Disclaimer: Wow, I remembered it this time! That's one for the record books! ... Anyways, Invader Zim owns my soul. Sadly, it is owned by Jhonen Vasquez. All I own is the DVDs and a few t-shirts.


Seven years ago to date, she came.

For the few brief weeks that she was there, he felt things were finally starting to go right.

Someone finally listened.

Someone finally showed interest.

"Maybe you really are an alien like Dib says. A horribly disguised, disgusting… horrible one."

She believed him.

They were friends.

And then his world came crashing down.

"She's Irken, and she's after my job and your planet!"

Of course, she was long gone.


He would never see her again.

But then, this would not be the first time he had made a wrong assumption about her.


Fausse Amie

Chapitre Un: La Mémoire

Dib hated Valentine's Day. Everyone was always coupled up for everything. Candy hearts and roses filled the windows of every store he passed. The entire skool was covered in glitter and pink tissue paper, and the English teacher always made them write sappy love poetry. It was the most god-awful, miserable thing he had ever suffered through, sitting and listening to a dozen feather-brained hormonal girls ramble about emotions they couldn't possibly comprehend, not even managing to use rhyming and meter correctly. Every single word of it was a cliché, a lie, or a fantasy.

The only exception to this was Zim's poem, which was usually some horrible montage of Shakespeare, Emily Dickinson, Edgar Allan Poe, and any other poet whose name Zim could remember; or in the event that he couldn't remember any of the poems, he would scrawl down some crude haiku, usually along the lines of: "I am in love with a hideous worm baby / She is horribly stupid and smelly / And I am normal!" As terrible as Zim was at poetry, it wasn't full of lust, or visions of what love was supposed to be. It was actually almost humorous, to tell the truth.

"Now remember, class, your poetry is due tomorrow!" Ms. Anderson sighed in exasperation. "And do try to make them good this year."

Not even Mysterious Mysteries escaped the Valentine's Day madness. A full week of love-themed reruns! After the first five minutes, he usually got sick of it and turned it off.

Then there was that damn dance—the "Love across the Ages Ball" or some such nonsense in which you and your date were supposed to come as a famous couple. Even if he had been able to get a date, he still wouldn't have gone. He never went to skool dances under any circumstance, especially not the Valentine's Day ones. The fact that Zim was going with his robotic date, likely sputtering sparks and losing bolts and screws all the while, with every intention of sabotaging the dance might have convinced Dib to go had it been on any other day, but he refused to have anything to do with the so-called holiday.

"So… you're not going to try and stop Zim from doing whatever he has planned?" The shock was enough to cause her to look up from her GameSlave 3.

"If he wants to ruin Valentine's Day, why stop him? Besides, knowing him he'll get scared from all the glitter and run away."

It wasn't really that he hated the idea of love. On the contrary—it was a human emotion he valued. It separated the humans from the Irkens. It was a major part in what kept their species alive. It was just Valentine's Day itself that got to him. Everything was so idealized—a picture of what love should have been in the eyes of the majority. True love paled in comparison. Everyone wanted a "fairy tale" romance—the Disney fairy tales, not the Grimm Brothers stories with all the blood and the violence. They wanted talking animals and handsome charming princes who would sweep them off of their feet. They didn't just want a happy ending; they wanted a perfect ending. Seven years of fighting with an alien intent on world domination taught him that even in victory, sacrifices were made. No one could have everything.

So there he sat, the same as every year, staring at his computer screen, doing spring cleaning on his hard drive. His elbow hit the mouse, which fell toward the floor, dangling an inch from the carpet, spinning lazily from the cord. Several sheets of paper drifted to the floor, a few sliding under his desk. Dib muttered a few curses, bending down and collecting the papers, putting them back in the folder. As he reached for the last of them under the desk, though, he felt something else: a square of something, thin with a smooth, glossy finish. The rough edges rose above the glossy center.

A Polaroid.

He slid it from under the desk, holding it up to the light. He froze, the long forgotten image sinking into his mind. Jagged indigo chunks of hair framed a delicate but confident face, brilliant violet eyes shining, and that unforgettable smirk painted across her face. He sighed, tossing it into the wastebasket. Just one more disappointment he would be better off forgetting.


Author's Note: The original plan was for this to be a one-shot about four times the length of this, but I think it's going to be chapters. They'll be kind of short, but they'll come out really fast, as this is for a LJ community and it's due March 3. I think I like how this is coming so far. I tried to add in some foreshadowing, but there might be a red herring or two in there, so you'll have to use your judgment to figure out what's foreshadowing and what's not.

This chapter was mostly introspective, but in the next few I'll try to focus more on setting and description. This isn't my normal writing style; I'm trying some new things out.

Remember, reviews make me happy. I'm always open to constructive criticism. :D