animedeprived: Hey, everybody! Today, I'm breaking out of the mold and bringing you a type of fanfic I've never done before! It's a parody of The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. I honor it because it was the first video game I ever played all the way through, and of course because adult Link is WICKED HOT! Also, here to do the disclaimer through however-many-chapters-there-are...LINK!
Link: Greeting and salutations to you all. I am Link. As I am Link, I am writing this disclaimer, since, as you all know, I do not talk. Why is that? I WANT A VOICE, DANG IT!
cough Anyway, animedeprived does not own me, the Legend of Zelda games, or France, though she loves Green Day (whom she also does not own).
The Legend of Zelda: Sugarhigh Ocarina of Time
Day 1 - Kokiri's Forest
Buzzing in treehouse woke me up. Stupid Kokiri traditions say no doors on building, so bugs get in all the time. Swatted it and fell asleep. Buzzing started again. Sat up to swat again, but instead of mosquito discovered irate and slightly squashed Fairy. Whoops.
Fairy says to see Great Deku Tree. Wonder why. Hope it involves candy.
Meanie Mido says I need shield and sword to see GDT. Who died and made him King of France? Should have been ceremony, or at least memo. General public needs to know about these things.
Note to self: Find out where France is.
Bought shield and found sword. Tried to peel off alunmimum...allnum...ali...monkey...foil to eat chocolate, but Fairy slapped me and said there is none. Also tried to eat Rupee-things that look like candy. Have glass in teeth. V. Painful. Fairy laughed. Hate Fairy.
Mido forced to grant me entrance. Ha! I win!
Day 1 - Inside GDT
Thought GDT would never shut up. Had to climb in his mouth. Eeewwwww.
Fairy never shuts up. Keeps trying to tell me how to open doors and climb walls. Thanks, Mom, I didn't know how to walk. On plus side, found chocolate-filled Gold Skulltula, though can't figure out how it moved before I killed it. On minus side, found chocolate covered Deku Nuts and Seeds. HATE NUTS AND SEEDS! Ate chocolate. Will throw nuts at enemies, fling seeds with slingshot. Ha ha! Eat my spit, Arach-nerds!
Beat up nasty Spider-thing. Fairy told me its name, but can't remember, as have decided to ignore her and her high-pitched gibbering. Stabbed Spider in eye. Oddly satisfying. Was shocked when Spider left behind large heart-shaped dark chocolate. Nearly wet myself with glee. LOVE DARK CHOCOLATE!
Day 2 - Kokiri's Forest
Pretty blue light put me in front of GDT. Relieved, as was not looking forward to walking back through musty tree guts. He gave me pretty green stone. Also said I'm Hylian, not Kokiri. Like I know what Hylian is. GDT said I can leave forest now. Then he stopped talking. Left to find candy.
Fairy keeps nagging about going to some castle. Have been ignoring her, as discovered green stone really jaw breaker in disguise.
Day 10 - Hyrule Field
Tired of Fairy's constant nagging. Plus, nothing to do here. Everyone mad. Say I killed GDT. Stupid forest elves. He's just sleeping.
Met Saria on way out. Received Ocarina. What, no chocolate? She didn't even spring for new Ocarina. Gave me her old one. Thought she was supposed to be my friend! Drat her and her immunity due to rules of heroism.
HATE HYRULE FIELD! Skeletons popped up at night. One bit me! Bit it back. Not candy. Tasted like old shoe. Asked Fairy if bite looked infected. Fairy laughed. Refusing to talk to Fairy.
Day 13 - Hyrule Castle
Met Princess...something. Distracted by lack of candy. Found some red hots in bush on way inside. Ate one and it cured bite! Am now wondering how it got in bush. Decided not to ask questions with potentially disgusting answers.
Anyway, Princess showed me man she says is evil. Think he just needs some sugar. Princess also says there are two other jaw breakers. Creepy bodyguard taught me song. Wanted candy. She also escorted me out of the palace. As if I couldn't sneak past those lazy guards in my sleep. Smelly bodyguard promptly blinded me with Deku Nut. HATE NUTS! .