Sorry for the delay! I had a writer's boulder on my shoulder (hey that rhymes...). Any who, thanks for holding out, I hope this is up to par... If not... oh well.
It was a blow I hadn't seen coming. After Sirius' death, I knew... I knew that Harry was hurting, but I was always out, away. I never owled him... I should have owled him... I was so hurt though. I can see it now, like they say, hindsight is 20/20. I blamed Harry for Siri's death. I knew, logically, that the poor boy was only a pawn in a bigger plan, but dammit! He should have known better! He should have known, and been able to tell someone what was going on!
But this time...
This time he couldn't. He was alone... And I just ignored him too. There was nothing that I could have done at the end, but still...
Could one letter, one word of encouragement have helped to circumvent this tragedy?
I still don't know how everything turned out like it did... How did this happen?
How could everyone turn their back on a defenseless boy, yet still depend on him to save the day?
How could I do that?
I did it.
I put myself first, and Harry was a figure in my mind not worth thinking about. It wasn't worth the pain of losing my friend, again. Every time I think about that day, I wonder if I could have stopped him... If I had only been in the house... Had been at the Department of Mysteries, but still...
And Now, could I have helped to prevent this horrifying tragedy?
James is probably ready to kill me. I didn't protect his son. I never did. Not when Sirius was locked away, not when Sirius died. I never thought that I would be so responsible for my best friend's child. My best friend's murderer.
No, Harry didn't murder Sirius!
But Harry did kill himself. Oh god... If Sirius' death was so terrible for me... What would Harry have thought? To lose your only parental figure, to lose in an instant the one chance to escape your pitiful life...
The tears haven't stopped falling since I got in this blasted carriage to visit Hogwarts, to see Dumbledore, and to talk to him about the future. I laughed at that thought once, laughed at it so much actually.
When I was five, I had no future, I was an outcast, a werewolf and was so unloved. So much like Harry, how could I have not helped him? When I was twelve I met these great people, but still had no real future, because I was still a werewolf, and would forever be a werewolf. I had no right thinking about a job I would never have, the mate I could never have, the pups I would never have... Harry should have been enough, I should have been able to watch him grow strong, watched him take after his father, watched him play and run and oh Harry... I'm so sorry.
I had my chance, and I was to pig-headed to let go of my wounded heart, my selfish pride, to help you, to be the person you needed. I'm just so... I'm not sorry anymore, I just can't be. I'm all out of "sorry" right now. It wouldn't make a difference anyways, you wouldn't know.
Like all the others.
Leaving me here to deal with my life that never should have been, and with the things I never should have dealt with.
God I miss you, James, Sirius, Lily, Harry. I miss the smiles, the laughter, the tears.
Sorrow, pain, pleasure.
Singing in the rain, howling at the moon.
Things I never thought I'd get to do, and now, I'll never do them again.
Maybe this is my chance to move on, to get over my childhood stigma and get out and live.
Yes, that's what this is. This is the chance for me to step into the sunlight, to live and be free. To find that person to love, to have that family, to walk in the street without fear of persecution.
That's what I want, and thanks to Harry, I may be able to have that.
I never thought about it that way...
Thank you Harry...
Short, I know, but meh, what else can you do? I think I may do Hagrid, then a Slytherin... Slytherins are more fun. I love to write "love to hate you" scenes. They're so wonderful...