Warnings: Angst, Shonen ai, hints at Heterosexuality (sorry!)
Type: short Omi-centric one-shot
Summary: A brief look at the musings inside Omi's head during an afternoon at the Koneko
inner voice //
The sun filters in through large windows, falling gently on green leaves and soft petals. Honeyed hair glitters like spun gold over eyes that dazzle and a laugh that rings clear and deep.
Blue eyes see the smiles of young girls, wrapped in flowers and sunlight and beauty, falling around the shoulders of a tall blonde angel whose eyes know sadness and pain, whose heart is...
//...as lonely as yours? //
A sigh of frustration, a downward glance.
// I want him.
Get over it.
Because he's perfect.
Well, he's perfect for me.
Because he's everything I ever wanted.
Kind. Understanding. Deep. Intense. Dark. Bright. Warm. Strong.
Sounds like a complicated person.
Yes. And he's just like me--only different.
So it's about his body, is it?
No. It's a beauty that's inside. A beauty that shines out through eyes that make me dizzy. That's shown in a smile and heard in a laugh I could drown in. It's a beauty I can't understand, and long to touch. I want him.
Are you what he wants?
Then why torture yourself?
Because he's like a flame, and I'm a moth. I need to be near him, even though I know that I'm going to be burned.
Is it worth the pain?
Because I love him.
Love? How do you it's love?
Because when I'm with him I never want to leave his side. I want to hold him and protect him from harm. Because I would kill for him, die for him, and do anything in between to see him smile. Because when I'm around him I turn into a puddle of goo inside and all klutzy on the outside. Because I feel I can open the gates inside of me and let him into my broken places, and because I want to be let into his. Because when he looks as me, I feel alive. And because when I'm with him I can forget that my life is pain. If that's not love...
But he doesn't feel the same?
No. He can't even begin to consider me like that.
As anything more than a friend.
Well, for starters, he wants a woman. Hell, he wants lots of women.
And if he didn't...?
Don't ask that! I can't go there. I can't do that. It's not fair!
What's not fair?
It's not fair to imagine what could be, to pursue the impossible questions. I'm a boy. He doesn't want me. He wants something else. End of story! Last page, final act, finite! So you see, what I want is irrelevant. I have to accept that it can't be. I have to move on.
Even if it means dying a bit inside?
Will you ever tell him how you feel? Give him a chance to tell you that it's "irrelevant?"
Are you crazy? I mean, am I crazy? Probably, considering that I'm arguing with a voice inside my head...But really, tell Yohji?! Of course not!
There's a million reasons! Because that wouldn't be fair. Because I can't burden him. I can't risk hurting him. Because if - when -- he rejects me I'll probably never see him again. Because he might laugh at me, and I couldn't handle that. Because I know what will happen and I'm afraid to face it. Because the feelings are too strong and if I let them out...I'll go to pieces.
And this storm inside of you is a better alternative to the truth?
Yes. When the truth would hurt him, and lies hurt only myself, then yes, I'd rather suffer in silence. To hell with the truth setting you free. //
"Omi, what the hell are you doing? Snap out of it! You're supposed to be watering the ferns, not the floor!"
"Oh! Gomen, Yohji-kun!"
"It's okay, I'll grab the mop. What were you thinking about, anyway? You looked like you were on another planet or something."
"Hai. It's nothing."
Nothing at all.