I guess I always believed in God..well to an extent. I always thought something was up there, but I couldn't ever really put my faith in him entirely. After all I prayed sometimes about Jack, when I didn't know what else I was going to do. I prayed when I had nothing else, when I knew I'd never make it through the night without him and I couldn't with him either. I asked God to make everything just stop, I asked him to tell me if I should just give up everything for Jack or if it was Jack I should give up. He never awnsered me as you might be able to tell by now. Had he suddenly sent me some divine knowledge..if he had intervened somehow I would have went to church every Sunday and said my prayers every morning and night and before every meal. Hell I would have tried to make extra nice with Alma for it. I would've done anything for him to tell me what to do, but I guess he just had no influence over me or something.
I've thought about why I didn't get an awnser and had so many theories its unbelieveable. First and foremost I wondered if there was even a God up there and if there was why he'd allow Jack and me to suffer what we did, to cause our wives to suffer like they did. Than I wondered if maybe God didn't feel up to awnsering something like what I asked, maybe it confused him too. Maybe the Great Almighty just didn't bother with people like me. Maybe he didn't think he could save a queer..he should've known I wasn't queer. Its not like I looked at alot of other men..I loved someone not one gender..so I wasn't queer, right? No use pondering over that just now. I guess not even a force of God could break apart what Jack Twist had caused in me...I remember the Old Man used to tell me he didn't make deals with the likes of me..so maybe God just didn't make deals either. I shouldn't of tried to bargain with him, it was useless, but I had nothing else. I'd sleep thinking I'd know what to do come morning..but I'd wake up just as confused and more tired.
Than Jack would come for a visit and everything would seem clear again until he left at least. He'd bring the sunshine to me, but he always took it away with him again, never left a goddamn ray for me to survive on. He'd come and when we lay close to one another at night, he'd beg me to give up everything and come live with him somewhere. I wanted too. God, did I want to. But I never could tell him yes. He'd leave with tears welling up in those great, big blue's of his, and I'd watch his truck disappear before I headed out and I'd cry too. Damn him for that. I never was the type to cry very much, but Jack could always do that to me. My foundations seemed at their strongest when he was around and the moment he left everything just fell apart. Whatever was holding me together seemed to come undone.
It was always bitter-sweet like that. Each moment that passed when we were together was the best moment of my life, and when he left I didn't think I would be able to live another day. Why did we do that to ourselves? Why did we destroy one another so entirely? I guess it was because of my stubborness that we did it. It was because I was cruel to him, but I couldn't just agree to leave the girls. I had a family to think about and so did he. There I go trying to justify myself as if Jack can hear me. I was always trying to justify everything between us, but there really was no reason for it.
Now as I look out across the land that is mine, from the tiny trailor that is mine I wonder what Jack would have thought. He wouldn't have wanted to live like I do, but he would've done it for me. Whenever he came to visit the place I lived before this, I never thought I could get rid of him. I had to fight him to get him out of the door. He always had that broken-hearted, little boy face on him when he left me, and I always kept a stern face until he was gone.
My eyes take in everything as I think of him. Listening to the radio, I wonder why every song reminds me of him. My hands rest lightly on Jack's coat..the one with all the blood on the sleeve. Sometimes when I hold it against me I think I'm holding him again. I think we are both back on Brokeback snuggling against one another. I think that there is nothing passed the end of the summer. Foolishly I think everything will last forever. When I hold it I want to pull my heart out and rip it apart because it would hurt less than thinking about him. I want to press the coat so hard against me that it will vanish into me and Jack will be more a part of me than ever. I can't really explain how much it kills me to clutch something that belongs to him and know that he won't ever hold it again himself. To know that it will be in my possession until I die. I wonder how long I can survive without him. When I die I will be cremeted and I'll be wearing this silly thing although its a bit too small for me..its what I want. Than I'll get Juniour to take half my ashes and put them with Jack's. His father died a while back and his ma told me it'd be all right. Its what Jack would've wanted. The other half is going up on Ol'Brokeback. Some part of me thinks that once I get up there Jack'll be waiting for me.
He never got there, but I will get up there and I'll take him with me in some way or another. I think of Brokeback as a sort of heaven now. It seems unattainable while I am alive. I think of Brokeback like another life sometimes. I was there before I was born here..and it was another life with Jack. Just now I wonder if maybe heaven is the place you love the most..maybe if there is such a place..Brokeback will be heaven for me and Jack.
God, If I've ever asked anything of you please let that be true. Maybe if Jack and I are up on Brokeback together, dead as we'd be, we could enjoy each other truly, and not worry about anyone else. No one to bother us and nothing to worry about, we could just be together. God, when I get to heaven it'll be like that. You gave me Jack and although that is more than enough, you didn't give me the wisdom to know what to do with him, so now let us be together in death at least. Let me get to him when I can't be here any longer. I can't bear the thought of us really not being together anymore..so I will hold on to that for now. And one more thing, while he's waiting up there, appreciate him, God.
Jack's not like the other angels up there. He's much different. Don't let him stay up there waiting for me for so long without telling him how wonderful he is for me. Just keep in mind God, you've got one hell of an angel up there.