Quest for the Wine Gums
Disclaimer: Do you think Nintendo would sue me if I forgot to put a disclaimer? Don't they have enough money already?
Dedication: To my wonderful reviewers; Lunar Sphinx, Emerald Milotic, Ri2, Eefree and everyone else; thank you so much! You have NO idea how much I appreciate them and they encourage me!
Authors notes: This is one of my first Pokémon fanfics, only I've redone it slightly, and it is now MUCH better than the original. I also borrowed a few ideas from Frank V., so thanks for the inspiration. It is not intended to be taken at all seriously, so don't flame me if it doesn't make much sense to you.
Also, very important; Wine Gums are little fruit-flavor sweets which, despite the name, don't actually have anything to do with wine (though I think they used to have the names of wine on them… it's very odd). As far as I know, you can't buy them anywhere outside the UK, but at the time of writing this originally and since I want to keep the title the same, I didn't change it to something more internationally-friendly. I'm lazy, okay? All you need to know is that they're little sweets, Sarah has an obsession with them (while I actually don't like them since they have gelatin in, but let's all pretend that I like them in this story), and they are mentioned on page 296 of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Erm… you don't need to know the last bit.
"It is a wonderful day in the Pokémon world" came a voiceover which rang out across the Pokéworld; a wonderful place filled with green grass, sunny days and an assortment of the cutest creatures ever imagined. Squirtle looked up, confused. "Who said that?" he asked aloud.
Suddenly, a Pikachu-human morph with a slightly crazed expression appeared as if by magic next to Squirtle. "It's me, Dannichu." she said as majestically as she could.
"Dannichu who?" asked Bulbasaur, who was standing near Squirtle, along with Pikachu, Charmander, Pichu and Togepi.
"The author, you moron!" shouted Dannichu, sweatdropping while looking angry at her introduction being ruined.
"Sheesh, you don't have to be snappy about it!" muttered Bulbasaur, rolling his eyes.
"It is a wonderful day in the Pokémon world," said Dannichu in her "voiceover" tone.
"You said that." pointed out Charmander helpfully.
"Would you quit interrupting?" Dannichu snapped, "Ahem; it is a wonderful day in the Pokémon world." she repeated, glaring at the Pokémon around her, who kept their mouths shut. "It is a new day, and all is calm. Little do they know that their peace is about to be shattered. "
"We know now. " Squirtle said bluntly.
Dannichu now looked furious, a red vein appearing on her forehead. "Will you shut up? I'm trying to set the scene here!"
"Ahh… That's what it is!" said Pichu in a wondrous voice.
Dannichu turned to the Pokémon, "What did you think I was doing?"
"Trying to bore us to death." Bulbasaur said, while Squirtle snickered.
Pikachu noticed Dannichu fuming and said quickly, "Bulbasaur, can you just be quiet and listen?"
"I would if she just got to the point!" Bulbasaur complained. Dannichu gave a guttural growl.
"Pikachu's right." said Togepi, watching Dannichu tremble with rage with great amusement. "Dannichu's getting mad."
"Ooohhh. I'm scared." said Bulbasaur sarcastically, "What's she gonna do, turn me into a rock?"
Bulbasaur was suddenly immersed in a bright white light. When the light faded, Bulbasaur had vanished; in his place was a small round rock.
"Figwit!" came a voice from nowhere. A blue Mew with a 'Z' on her forehead suddenly dashed into the fanfic and picked up the rock. "I've been looking for you everywhere!" she suddenly saw Dannichu glaring at her.
"That's. Not. Your. Pet. Rock. Zizzo." Dannichu said murderously through gritted teeth.
"Oh. Okay." Zizzo said, blinking. She put the rock back on the floor and scooted out of the fic.
The Pokémon and Dannichu resumed staring at the Bulbasaur- rock.
"He asked for it." said Dannichu frankly.
"Dannichu!" Pikachu shouted.
"Relax; he'll recover." Dannichu said, waving a paw carelessly at the rock on the floor. "Now where was I? Oh yes. Their peace is about to be shattered by the greatest danger they have ever had to face!"
Charmander gave a deep sigh. "What is it?"
"Something…um…bad." said Dannichu, sweatdropping slightly.
"Bad?" Pichu repeated.
"Yes. Very bad."
"How bad?" Pikachu inquired, frowning.
"Very, very bad." Dannichu said dramatically.
"Such as…?" Squirtle asked.
"Well…" Dannichu began, putting a paw behind her neck to indicate embarrassment, "actually, I'm not quite sure yet."
"Huh?" said Pikachu, looking up.
"I haven't decided yet." Dannichu said, as if it explained everything.
"What do you mean, you haven't decided yet?" shouted Squirtle, outraged. "How can you say it's the greatest danger we've ever faced when you don't know what it is yet?"
"I just said that for the dramatic effect and all that jazz." said Dannichu patiently. "It isn't fleshed out yet. Give me a little time; I've got a lot to do."
"You're just lazy!" Charmander complained.
"What?" Dannichu shouted angrily, "It's hard being an author! Not just anyone can write a story. You can't just replace me with some idiot off the Net!"
"You're right." Squirtle nodded, "It would take at least three idiots to replace you."
"Right!" Dannichu yelled, her greeny-grayey-blacky eyes glinting with something between power and evilness, "That does it!"
As with Bulbasaur, Squirtle was suddenly bathed in light, before being transformed into a rock before the Pokémon's very eyes.
"You have a thing for rocks today, don't you?" Charmander commented.
Dannichu blinked. "Maybe."
"About that danger thing…" Pichu trailed off.
"…Don't do us any favors." Charmander finished bluntly.
Dannichu nodded. "Guess I'll go off to plot now."
"Oh, Dannichu…" Pikachu half said, half hummed.
Dannichu turned around. "Hmm…?"
Pikachu pointed at the two rocks on the floor, while glaring at Dannichu.
"Oh, yes." said Dannichu hastily, before using her amazing powers of fanfiction authoressness to transform the two rocks back into two furious Pokémon.
"Umm…" Dannichu mumbled, watching the Pokémon glare metaphorical daggers at her. "So… I'll be going then!" she shouted before vanishing.
The Pokémon looked around at each other with mixed expressions of amusement and anger.
"So…what do we do now?" said Pichu, staring at the space where Dannichu had been standing.
"Sit around waiting?" Pikachu suggested.
Charmander nodded. "Looks like it."
Togepi reached into his shell and took out a sunbed that should, by all laws of science, should not have been able to fit in there, and lay down on it, fanning himself.
Bulbasaur shook his head violently. "Why should we sit around waiting for that poor excuse for an author makes up some…things…that we have to beat or something?" he said furiously.
"Yeah!" agreed Squirtle vehemently.
Suddenly the clouds in the sky opened and Dannichu's head poked out of them. "Okay! Here it comes!" she yelled. "The greatest danger you'll ever have to face, not to mention your worst nightmare!""Tada!" said a man, appearing suddenly. He was shirtless and wearing a pair of jeans, grinning stupidly. Thousands of girls around the world fainted because he was just so "well fit". "Justin Tim-" the Pokémon began, before remembering the rules of doom.
Dannichu instantly teleported to where the Pokémon were standing. "Wha?" she saw the pop singer in the random clearing they were currently in before realizing who he was. "Noooo!" she screamed hysterically. "Get it away!"
"It?" Charmander repeated.
Suddenly Dannichu managed to teleport the idiotic celebrity somewhere a long way away, hopefully never to be seen again. Dannichu breathed a huge sigh of relief. "Sorry." she said. "That was my worst nightmare." Then her apologetic expression suddenly turned into one of evilness. She suddenly disappeared and reappeared up in the clouds, her face still looking down at the Pokémon "And here's yours!"The Pokémon looked around, scared. Pichu wailed and clutched Pikachu's arm in fear. Togepi, who by this time had put away the sunbed, seemed to be fighting the urge to run around screaming. A shadow crept behind them, stalking them. The figure suddenly leaped up and stood in front of them.
"Prepare for trouble!" the catlike Pokémon shouted.
"WHAT?" screamed Squirtle, "THIS is supposed to be the greatest danger ever?"
"We've faced Mewtwo, Zapdos, Articuno, Moltres, Celebi, Entei and countless of other ϋber-Pokémon-of-doom, and the greatest danger you can come up with is MEOWTH?" Bulbasaur shouted up at Dannichu, whose head was still poking out of the clouds.
"Yeah, the legendaries were getting a bit… repetitive, so I'm being more original!" Dannichu said brightly.
"ORIGINAL?" Squirtle screamed, losing it completely, "MEOWTH HAS APPEARED IN EVERY SINGLE POKÉMON EPISODE EVER! THIS IS NOT ORIGINAL!"
"Not true." Dannichu pointed out, "He wasn't in the first episode. And relax; I can hear you just fine in lower-case letters."
"You know, Dannichu," Charmander said piteously, "you're one sad excuse for a human being."
"I am not human! I am a genetically mutated species of human!" Dannichu grinned.
"Right." Pichu muttered, rolling her eyes.
"See?" Dannichu said proudly, pointing at herself. "Half Pikachu! Note the yellowness!"
"Whatever." said Bulbasaur dryly.
"Can I go now?" Meowth asked, looking up at the Pikachu mutation in the sky.
"No." Dannichu said, grinning like the Cheshire cat. "I have a brilliant idea!"
"Excuse me." said a random man, stepping into the fic for no apparent reason.
"What?" Dannichu snapped, being interrupted yet again.
"The phrase 'Grinning like the Cheshire cat' comes from MY story and yet you haven't given me credit!"
"Who the pie are you?" Dannichu asked, looking the man up and down. There wasn't any real description due to the authoress not having a clue what he looked like.
"I'm the author of 'Alice in Wonderland' and 'Through the Looking Glass'" he said, frowning, possibly because he wasn't allowed to mention his own name.
"I know you! You were on drugs, weren't you?" Dannichu shouted, grinning broadly. Then she furrowed her brow. "Waitasec. You're supposed to be dead!"
"Right you are!" said the guy simply, falling down dead on the floor. Everyone, readers included, sweatdropped.
"Uh, maintenance?" Dannichu called.
Five minutes later, the dead body had been taken from the fic and placed back in its grave, the fanfic resumed as "normal".
"I have a brilliant idea!" Dannichu shouted, waving a mutated hand in the air.
"What?" Pichu groaned.
"Go down to the shops and get me some Wine Gums!" said Dannichu happily.
Suddenly the fanfic was interrupted once again by a whole hoard of animal rights protestors, all waving picket signs and yelling furiously.
"What NOW?" Dannichu screamed.
"Animal abuse!" said a random woman in the mob. "Think of the poor cow/pig/horse that would have had to DIE to make those foul sweets!"
"I'm. A. Vegetarian." growled Dannichu through gritted teeth.
"You are?" said the woman before turning around and making a huddle with the other protestors, making annoying muttering sounds. Occasionally one would look up, stare at Dannichu and then have his/her head pulled back down by the person next to them.
Dannichu looked livid.
"Okay." The random woman said finally. "We have decided that- hang on… where did that chainsaw come from? What are you doing? What - ACK!"
The animal rights protestors began scattering as Dannichu came running towards them, wielding a huge (but actually inflatable) chainsaw. They ran left, right and center, before dashing out of the fic, never to return.
"Mwaha." Dannichu cackled evilly, putting the inflatable chainsaw back to the nothingness from whence it came. "Where was I? Oh yes. Wine Gums."
"Wha?" they chorused.
"Why do you want Wine Gums?" Pikachu asked. "And why us?"
"Because," said Dannichu, "I kind of ate all of Rabid Psycho's and she'll kill me if she finds out I've eaten them. And it'll be a good story at the same time!
"Fill me in, here." said Pikachu. "Why would anyone want to read a story about a bunch of Pokémon searching for some Wine Gums?"
"Somebody is" said Dannichu pointing at the reader (namely you).
Bulbasaur stared at the reader. "I have to tell you one thing." he said. "Get a life."
"Get the Wine Gums, NOW." Dannichu commanded.
"Why can't you get them magically?" Togepi asked reasonably. "You're the authoress. You can do whatever you want."
"Look up there." Dannichu said patiently. "What do you see?"
"No, off the page, up THERE."
"The authoresses' notes?"
"Down a fraction."
"And what does that title say…?"
"Quest for the Wine Gums." said Meowth.
"Exactly!" said Dannichu, "If I just gave you them, it wouldn't be much of a QUEST, now would it?"
"So true." said Pichu, rolling her eyes.
"So, go to the shops and get them, NOW!" Dannichu shouted, "and make it quick!"
The Pokémon gave a last backwards glare at Dannichu before moping off to the shops, muttering under their breath.Approximately half an hour later, the Pokémon arrived at their destination, a large collection of shops, selling every kind of product under the sun.
"What would anyone want with a talking salt-and-pepper shaker?" said Pichu, peering into the window of one of the weirder shops.
"Beware the ides of June…" the pepper-shaker hissed. Pichu backed away.
"We're here!" shouted Pikachu happily.
"Where?" asked Togepi.
"The shops, Egghead." said Bulbasaur, rolling his eyes.
"Okay, I'll go and ask if they have any Wine Gums." said Charmander, entering a shop, followed by his companions and walking up to the till.
"Excuse me?" asked Charmander to the person behind the till.
"Yes?" came the reply. The Pokémon stared.
"Keanu Re-" Squirtle began, before remembering the rule of doom.
"MWAHAHA!" shrieked the Matrix star in a familiar high-pitched voice. A very familiar voice.
"…waitasec…" muttered Pikachu, reaching over and pulling on his face, which was really a very clever mask, to reveal none other than….
"No, you idiots, that's Kadabra!" Pikachu yelled.
"Same difference." Bulbasaur muttered.
"MWA HA HA!" laughed Kadabra maniacally, before actually seeing the Pokémon. "AAARRRGGHHH!" he screeched, "The evil and vengeful attack of the geography teacher of doom! DOOM!"
The Pokémon stood, looking scared as Kadabra picked a Lotad doll which had one eye and looked very "loved" (basically, it was falling to pieces) up from the counter and ran out of the shop laughing hysterically.
"I really don't like that Kadabra," said Togepi quietly.
"Let's just get the Wine Gums, and then get out of here!" said Meowth urgently.
"I don't think this shop sells any!" said Squirtle, annoyed, disliking being bossed around by Meowth.
"You're useless!" said Meowth, as the Pokémon left the shop, Squirtle and Meowth looking at each other furiously.
"And you're annoying!" countered Squirtle.
"Shut up and go away!" Meowth shouted.
"Will you two shut up!" Pikachu yelled, running between them to stop them clawing one another's eyes out.
Meowth paused, looking at Pikachu's comment. "There should be a question mark there."
"What?" asked Pikachu.
"In that last sentence. If a sentence begins with 'will', it has to end in a question mark." said Meowth, pointing at it on the page. Suddenly an all-too-familiar authoress appeared, this time expressing a look halfway between a smile and a look of anger.
"CONGRATULATIONS!" she shouted, fireworks going off in the background, confetti falling from the sky and a troop of Oompa-Loompas wearing grass skirts suddenly appearing and dancing the hula. "You are the one-millionth person to comment on my appalling spelling and grammar! And, for your prize, you get to see the bottomless pit!"
"What bottomless pit?" Meowth asked, looking around.
"That one right over there." said Dannichu, pointing to a conveniently placed pit, which looked very, very bottomless.
"What's a bottomless pit doing in the middle of a shopping center?" wondered Togepi. Suddenly, Togepi was magically changed into a rock. Nobody noticed.
Bulbasaur and Squirtle were whispering in each other's ears. They grinned at each other evilly, before Bulbasaur went over to the pit, looked down and said, "It's not bottomless."
Meowth glared at Dannichu suspiciously. "What makes you think I want anything to do with a bottomless pit?" he asked warily.
"There is a bottom. See?" said Squirtle, tugging at Meowth's arm.
"Where?" asked Meowth, peering down. "I don't see it."
"Right there!" Bulbasaur said, pointing, "Look!"
"I don't see..." said Meowth, leaning over to get a better look."Whoops!" said Squirtle, 'accidentally' nudging Meowth.
"AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!" screeched Meowth, falling into oblivion.
"My mistake." said Bulbasaur, looking down into the pit. "It is bottomless, after all."
"Whooo!" cheered Squirtle.
"Sorry to inject a bit of sanity here," said Pikachu, glaring at Bulbasaur and Squirtle, who were 'high-five'-ing, "but can we just get the stupid Wine Gums and go home?"
"There's a sweetshop across the road." said Pichu, pointing.
"…waitasec…" said Charmander, "there's no annoying voice! Where's Togepi?"
Pikachu suddenly noticed a rock on the floor. "Dannichu…"
"Fine…" said Dannichu, rolling her eyes before restoring Togepi to his original form. "But you're no fun; you know that?"
The Pokémon looked at Dannichu with a look of disgust before crossing the street to the sweet shop."Okay." Pikachu said, walking into the shop with the others, "shall I ask?"
"Yes." said Charmander instantly.
"Excuse me?" asked Pikachu.
"Yes?" replied Totodile, turning around, looking at Pikachu with a slightly glazed-over expression.
"Totodile?" Pikachu shouted, "What on Earth are you doing here?"
"Working!" said Totodile brightly.
"Why?" Squirtle asked, looking at his fellow Water-type friend oddly.
"Ever since that Idiot you call a trainer stored me in a cold, lonely PC, I fell into depression and tried to kill myself. It was so hard…"
"You WHAT?" The Pokémon exclaimed.
"What I mean to say is that my lovely associate Umbreon dropped a box of sweets on my head, giving me amnesia."
"Look, I said I was sorry!" said a purple catlike Pokémon, poking her face around the door leading to the storehouse. "Are you going to tell everyone your life story? My name's Charity, and for the last time, I'm an ESPEON!" She then disappeared behind the door, humming to herself.
"My only passion… my desire… is to be a Pokémon mas-"
"Look, can you help?" snapped Bulbasaur, hitting Totodile with a vine to get his attention. Then he saw Totodile's hand (?) was covered in a brown kind of substance.
"Urgh!" Pichu yelped. "What the pie is that!"
"Peanut butter." said Totodile proudly, producing a jar from underneath the counter. He still wore a glazed expression on his face.
"So…er… help." said Bulbasaur, destracted, "Can you help us?"
"I might…" said Totodile distantly.
"Look, do you have any Wine Gums?" Pikachu asked, trying to keep the peace.
"Ye…no" muttered Totodile.
"Yeno?" Pichu repeated.
"I think that someone came in a little while ago and purchased our entire stock... I think…"
"What!" the Pokémon cried as one.
"You're kidding!" Bulbasaur shouted. "The entire stock?"
"Who was it?" Charmander asked.
"I don't know!" Totodile cried. "I can't remember!"
"You can't remember?" Pikachu repeated.
"You said it was a little while ago!" said Charmander, "How can you have forgotten someone who bought your entire stock of Wine Gums?"
"I have amnesia!" said Totodile earnestly.
"Tell us!" shouted Squirtle and Charmander simultaneously.
"I don't know!" shouted Totodile in desperation.
"Maybe this will help!" Bulbasaur said, stamping on Pichu's foot, causing the small Pokémon to unleash a Thundershock attack, which hit Totodile straight between the eyes.
"Heracross!" Totodile screamed.
"Heracross?" Squirtle repeated.
"What about him?"
"Never mind." Said Pikachu, rolling his eyes, "do you know where he is?"
"Hang on," said Togepi suddenly, "isn't that him over there?"
The Pokémon turned around and looked where Togepi was pointing to see a beetlelike Pokémon cradling a large amount of Wine Gums in his arms.
"He's just there?" said Charmander in disbelief, "And you didn't know where he was?"
"I forgot, okay?" said Totodile, absent-mindedly dipping his hand into his jar of peanut butter on the counter. And then licking it off his fingers.
"That's sick!" Pichu moaned, a look of disgust on her face.
"No… It's peanut butter." corrected Totodile.
The Pokémon walked over to Heracross, who was just about to exit the shop.
"Hey, Heracross," said Pikachu, "You don't want to give us some of those Wine Gums, do you?"
"No." said Heracross bluntly, staring at the Pokémon.
"Please?" said Pichu, "We'd really appreciate it."
"No!" Heracross shouted, "they're mine! All mine! I bought them!"
"What if we gave you some honey for them?" said Togepi suddenly.
"You have honey?" said Heracross, suddenly interested.
"Well…" said Pikachu, glaring at Togepi, "No… but I'm sure we can get some!"
"Don't tell me this will turn into a honey hunt!" shouted Squirtle, exasperated.
"Do you want the Wine Gums or not?" said Heracross, grinning at the thought of honey.
"Fine!" said Bulbasaur, "we'll get you some honey!"
"Where the heck are we going to get some honey around here?" asked Squirtle, looking around.
"There's a honey outlet around the block." said Totodile suddenly from the counter.
"A honey outlet?" Charmander repeated.
"It's not far, just go over the river-" Totodile began.
" And through the woods?" said Squirtle sarcastically.
"Very funny. Over the river and on the left-hand side. You can't miss it."
"Thanks," said Pikachu, before turning to his companions, "come on guys."
The Pokémon left the shop, following Totodile's instructions to the honey outlet.
"I think I just gave them directions to the pub." said Totodile to himself once they were gone. "Oh well."
The Pokémon headed down the road. Very soon they came to a rickety bridge over a raging river. The kind they have in those movies, with the rope on each side supporting it, and the planks old and broken, and, during the crossing of this bride, as it is the only way of crossing the river for miles and miles around, at least one character's foot breaks through one of the aforementioned planks, where the camera immediately pans through the hole to reveal the huge distance to the raging river below and the tiny bits of wood from the bridge falling into it and getting washed away in the fierce current. Yeah, that kind.
They were about to cross, and possibly there was about to be an onslaught of directors streaming into the fic because of the plagiarism of the whole 'bridge' thing, but before any of that could happen, a Pokémon appeared as if from nowhere in front of them.
"Halt!" shouted Kadabra, making the Pokémon leap about a foot in the air. "MWA HA HA!"
"Oh good grief." said Squirtle. "What is it now? "
"Before the other side you see," said Kadabra, floating in the air, in a pose that looked very much like he was meditating, "you must first answer my questions three.""Hey, what do you think this is?" said Charmander incredulously, "Monty Python?" "Question the first-" Kadabra began.
"CHHHUUUUUUUUUU!" shouted Pichu and Pikachu as one, suddenly using a Thunderbolt attack on Kadabra, causing him to fall to the ground, resembling a carbonized piece of toast with a problem.
"Looks like he ran out of questions." said Togepi, staring at Kadabra.
"Let's go." Said Pikachu quickly.
Suddenly, a catlike Pokémon appeared out of nowhere, just by Kadabra. "What'd I miss?" he asked.
"Meowth?" asked Squirtle. "You're supposed to be dead!"
"Dead?" Meowth repeated.
"I pushed- I mean, you fell into the bottomless pit!" said Squirtle, staring at Meowth.
"How stupid are you?" sighed Meowth, "If you fall off a cliff, what kills you?"
"Hitting the bottom." said Pichu
"So, if you fall into a bottomless pit, what kills you?"
"Umm…" Bulbasaur paused.
"All right then." said Meowth.
So the Pokémon crossed the bridge and soon found themselves by the entrance of a huge, white building. Nearby was a little market-ish stall, which was being manned by a hedgehog-like Pokémon with no eyes and four holes in his back. They ignored the Pokémon and his stall and walked over to the entrance of the honey outlet.
"Okay." said Pikachu, holding the doorhandle, "Let's go inside."
"I don't think you want to," said Cyndaquil, "not without a torch."
Cyndaquil? What are you doing here?" asked Squirtle.
"Selling flashlights." Cyndaquil replied simply.
"Flashlights?" Togepi echoed.
"To get through the Maze of Death!"
"Maze of Death? "
"Yup, right inside!"
"Indeed? – OW!" Togepi felt Squirtle's leg connect sharply with his body.
"Shut up." muttered the irritated Tinyturtle Pokémon.
"Now wait a minute." said Meowth suddenly. "Why would a honey outlet have a Maze of Death?"
"How should I know?" Cyndaquil replied, shrugging."Well, how much are they?" asked Bulbasaur, picking up Togepi and shaking him upside down, causing a number of random objects to fall out of the Spike Ball Pokémon's shell. "Aha! He cried, picking up his purse, dropping Togepi, who glared momentarily at him before picking up all the other stuff that had fallen out of his shell and stuffing them back in.
"Five thousand, five hundred and forty-two credits." Cyndaquil said simply.
"WHAT?" Squirtle shouted.
"You heard me.""For a flashlight?" said Pikachu disbelievingly.
"Hey!" said Cyndaquil, insulted. "These are finely crafted instruments!"
"I don't care how finely crafted it is," shouted Bulbasaur, outraged, "I'm not paying that much for a flashlight!"
"Suit yourself " said Cyndaquil, smiling an evil smile.
And with that, they entered.
"This is no Maze of Death!" Pichu cried in anguish, looking down the only way to go. "It's a labyrinth!"
"There is no labyrinth…" came a highly disturbing voice form nowhere. "The labyrinth is your mind…"
"My mind is a bunch of everlasting walls with ivy on them?" Pichu yelped.
"…" there was a pause while the voice from nowhere considered. "Yes…"
"Come on!" shouted Pichu to the others. "We must conquer the labyrinth!"
"Since when did Pichu get so much narration?" Pikachu muttered to Charmander.
Charmander shrugged and they ran after the others.
A few hours later they were all exhausted and getting very frustrated. There seemed to be no twists and turns. The labyrinth seemed to be nothing but a straight path. The Pokémon slowed down.
"Why, this isn't a labyrinth at all!" Pichu cried. "It just goes on and on!" She suddenly paused. "Or maybe…We're just taking it for granted…"
"Looking for something? " came the voice again.
"Well… yeah." Said Charmander. "We're looking for a honey outlet!"
"Honey?" came the voice, becoming a lot less freaky all of a sudden, "Oh! You must be the Pokémon Dannichu was talking about!" the voice sounded embarrassed. "Okay. You can go."
The Pokémon were suddenly submerged in a light (no, they didn't turn into rocks), and found themselves by Cyndaquil's little stand. Again.
"Back already?" Cyndaquil asked, grinning.
That Pokémon stared.
"Okay, now let's actually go into the maze and not…" random scary music began playing as Pikachu finished his sentence. "The labyrinth…"
"Let's go." said Squirtle, walking over to the door of the outlet, followed by his companions. The second the door closed they were plunged into complete darkness. There was the sound of a lot of scuffling as the Pokémon tripped over one another.
"Hey!" screeched Charmander, "My tail flame went out!"
"Shouldn't you be dead then?" asked Pikachu, blinking his eyes for some form of light, but finding none.
"Yes, but no one seems to die in this bizarre fic!" Charmander yelled, panicking.
"What about that weird guy on drugs in the third paragraph?" asked Meowth, really not helping.
"I can't see a thing!" shouted Pichu in panic.
"Me neither!" screeched Squirtle.
Togepi began running around like a mad thing. "It's scary!"
"We'd better get out before we get lost." said Meowth calmly.
"I guess he's right." admitted Bulbasaur grudgingly. "Anyone know where the door is?"
"Right here!" came Cyndaquil's voice, right as the light bursting through the door burned their eyes, causing them all the shield them. "See what I mean?"
"My flame!" shouted Charmander happily, hugging his tail.
Cyndaquil was, meanwhile, back at his little stall, grinning evilly, drumming his fingers (?) on his counter.
"Okay," Bulbasaur grumbled bitterly, shaking Togepi upside-down once again, "We'll pay you."
Bulbasaur dropped Togepi on the ground, picked up his purse with his vines, took out a few notes and handed them to Cyndaquil. Cyndaquil, still grinning, put the money into his till and handed over a flashlight. Bulbasaur took it, paused and handed it to Pikachu.
"Pikachu, can you turn this on? It helps if you have hands."
"Sure." said Pikachu, taking the flashlight into his paws and flicking the button to the "on" position. Nothing happened. "Hey! His doesn't work!"
Bulbasaur was fuming. "I paid five thousand, five hundred and forty-two credits and batteries aren't included?"
"Sorry, no." said Cyndaquil, still smiling.
"Well how much are batteries?" Squirtle asked, annoyed.
Cyndaquil scanned some double As across his little laser-thing and a number appeared on his till thingy. "One thousand, nine hundred and eighty-four credits."
"Only two thousand?" Pikachu said sarcastically. "What a bargain."
"They're on sale." said Cyndaquil brightly.
Squirtle seized Togepi by the legs and shook him until his wallet fell out of the Egg Pokémon's shell. "Fine!" he said, exasperated, handing Cyndaquil the money.
"Here you go." Cyndaquil said, handing over the batteries. "Thank you."
Pikachu opened the flashlight's battery compartment while Squirtle inserted the batteries - the wrong way around.
"The plus means positive," said Meowth, trying to be helpful, "the positive end goes in that way!"
"Will you shut up?" shouted Squirtle, very annoyed.
Three screaming matches, two emotional breakdowns (both by Togepi) and five minutes later, the batteries were inserted correctly in the flashlight. Pikachu once again flicked the switch.
"It still doesn't work!" Pikachu complained, before turning to Cyndaquil, looking angry, "What now?"
"I believe it needs a bulb." Cyndaquil said simply.
"WHAT?" Squirtle and Bulbasaur screamed, "Bulbs aren't included either?"
"It would appear not."
"Okay." Squirtle said calmly, taking a step towards Cyndaquil, so their noses were almost touching. "You have exactly three seconds to give us a bulb before I Hydro-Pump you into infinity!"
"Fine," Cyndaquil said quickly. "I'll throw in the bulb for free because I know you, but don't tell anyone. I wouldn't want everyone clamoring to get a free bulb. It would be bad for business."
Squirtle snatched the bulb from the Fire Mouse and handed it to Pikachu, show screwed it into place. Pikachu flicked the switch once again, but this time an amazingly bright light poured from it, causing Meowth and Charmander, who were facing the light, to shield their eyes from its gaze. Suddenly, a huge ship crashed down upon Cyndaquil little stall, mistaking the flashlight light for a beacon. "Sorry!" came a random shout, as the ship flew into the air and away to the hills. Cyndaquil looked at his ruined stall and burst into tears. Togepi went over and put an arm around him, while everyone else ignored him.
"Okay…" said Charmander, a little shaken by the huge ship. "Let's go and try the light out, shall we?"
The Pokémon walked over to the door, and Pichu opened it. "Togepi!" he called. The Spike Ball Pokémon left the weeping Cyndaquil and, with the other Pokémon, entered the Maze of Death.
"Well, at least the flashlight works." said Charmander, looking around. There were a large number of corridors in different directions, and as the walls reached the ceiling, there was no way to cheat.
"Which way do we go?" Pikachu asked, looking a little scared.
"More to the point," said Meowth, "How do we keep track of where we are?"
Bulbasaur shrugged. "Anyone have any string?"
Everyone looked at Togepi.
"I don't have any! He said quickly, waving his arms about, "I used my last piece to send an airmail package to my sister in New Jersey!"
"Where the pie is New Jersey?" Pichu wondered aloud.
"I bet Cyndaquil would sell us some." suggested Charmander.
"Yeah," Squirtle snorted, "for about a million credits. Let's just pick a direction and go."
"Maybe we should split up into smaller groups." Bulbasaur suggested.
"We only have one flashlight." Pikachu reminded him.
"Unless you'd like to go back and get another one…" said Meowth.
"Let's stick together." Bulbasaur said quickly.
About four hours later, the Pokémon arrived, tired, sweaty and stressed, at a door. Pichu and Togepi began dancing.
"This is it!" said Pikachu happily.
"Hallelujah…" Squirtle moaned.
Meowth moved forward and turned the door handle before opening the door. The door revealed a bright room, which was totally empty save for four Pokémon, a television and a Playstation 2, complete with accessories.
"WHAT?" the Pokémon screamed as one.
"The loud noise caused all the Pokémon in the room to jump and stare at the door. One was a small, round, pink Pokémon, a Jigglypuff. Another was not dissimilar, a Clefairy. The third was pink again, but was a Flaafy. The fourth was small, green and had a large leaf coming out of her head. She glared at the Pokémon by the door. "What are you doing here?"
"Oh man." Charmander sighed. "Another Johto starter. At least this one isn't selling anything."
"What do you want?" demanded Jigglypuff, who was holding a PS2 controller and looking angry at being disturbed.
"SOME HONEY!" Squirtle howled, dropping to his knees, "Is that too much to ask?"
The Clefairy stopped arguing with Chikorita over which game to play and looked up. "Honey? You're halfway there!"
Meowth looked suddenly interested. "Can you tell us which way to go? It took us ages to get here, and we'd really appreciate it…"
"Sure we'll tell you!" said Jigglypuff brightly.
"IF you can beat us!" grinned Flaaffy, looking challenging.
Squirtle and Bulbasaur assumed their battle poses, "You want a fight?" Squirtle shouted, "Bring it on!"
"No, you Neanderthal," sniffed Clefairy, looking at the Pokémon with disgust. "Not in a fight."
Charmander looked puzzled "How then?"
Jigglypuff unrolled two Dancemats from a big cardboard box and grinned evilly. "Why, at Dance, Dance Revolution, of course!"
The Pokémon stared in horror at the two mats, as if they were sentencing them all to death.
"What… the…" Charmander began, before trailing off, unable to continue.
"But we'll be fair and let you all practice so you can see who's the best before we start the challenge. Then the best couple can go against us."
"But there's only two Dancemats. And just one Playstation." Meowth pointed out.
"We're way ahead of you." said Clefairy, pulling another Playstation, more dance mats and some splitters out from the box.
"Where'd you gat all this stuff, anyway?" Pichu asked.
"I haven't the slightest. Dannichu told us to wait here and challenge you, and this box of stuff was already here. Fun, eh?" Chikorita grinned.
"Anyway, do you wish to battle us?" asked Clefairy, while Flaaffy did a few warm-up exercises.
Pikachu looked at his friends, they all nodded and he turned back to the four other Pokémon. "We have no choice. We accept!"
Then, everyone proceeded to take turns on the numerous dance mats, trying out their skills on various levels. Once they had finished, the male Pokémon looking considerably more worn out than the girls, and Clefairy tabulated the results on a small pink notepad.
"Okay…" she began. "Squirtle you got zero perfects. In fact, you didn't make one step correctly. Congratulations. Didn't know it was possible to be that bad."
"Gee, thanks." Squirtle tried to say sarcastically, but it came out as more of a wheeze.
"Meowth, you didn't do much better, with twenty prefects. Charmander, you got fifty-four." Clefairy paused and looked at the fire lizard, who was panting in a corner, before saying sarcastically, "I had no idea you were so light on your feet. You'll have to take me dancing one day."
"I'll…" Charmander puffed, "…Get right on it."
"Okay…" said Clefairy, retuning her attention to the notepad. "Pikachu, you got ninety-six, and Togepi got one-hundred and four, enough for a B; very good."
"Oh happy day!" Togepi hollered. Chikorita and Flaaffy stared.
"…Pichu got one-hundred and nineteen and Bulbasaur, you got all perfects." she paused, reading over the scores. "Of course, Bulbasaur, having four legs, stood with one foot on each pat and jumped up and down. I'm afraid I'm going to have to disqualify you for that."
"Darn it." Bulbasaur muttered.
"So it's Pichu and Togepi versus…?" asked Jigglypuff.
"Well, Flaaffy got ninety-eight, I got one-hundred and four, you got one-hundred and nine, and Chikorita got one-hundred and seventeen, so it's Pichu and Togepi versus Jigglypuff and Chikorita."
Squirtle looked outraged. "I can't believe I was beaten by an egg on legs." he moaned.
"Come on Togepi! Come on Pichu! You can do it!" Pikachu called across to his friends.
Charmander joined in, "Yeah! Go!"
"You can do it!" Bulbasaur shouted.
"All right!" said Flaaffy loudly, waving her arms in the air to bring silence. "Okay... let the competition… begin!"
And the battle commenced. The Pokémon cheered on their respective friends, while the Pokémon dancing were so fixated on the television screens in front of them that nothing short of an earthquake could distract them. Once the songs had finished, the Pokémon hopped off the Dancemats and Flaafy read the results from the screens.
"Pichu and Togepi win." she said in a somewhat disappointed voice. "With one hundred and eleven and one hundred and fifteen against one hundred and nine against one hundred and fourteen!"
"We won!" Pichu squealed, hugging Pikachu. Togepi began sobbing out of joy. The other Pokémon on the honey hunt cheered, clapped and generally rejoiced as well.
"Okay, we won." Squirtle said, stepping over to Jigglypuff, while Clefairy and Chikorita put away all the excess PS2 equipment. "Now tell us how to get though the maze."
Jigglypuff turned around to look at her friend, who nodded. "All right." she conceded. "You see that door there? You go straight down that way."
"Straight down that way?" Bulbasaur asked.
"What do you mean?" Squirtle asked suspiciously, "There are no turns or anything?"
Jigglypuff looked annoyed. "Am I talking another language? No, there are no turns. You go down that corridor. It leads straight to the center."
"Wait a second!" said Charmander, "What kind of a maze is that?"
"Erm…" Jigglypuff paused. "A really, really easy one?"
Meowth looked outraged. "So we did all that for nothing? We could have just gone straight down that corridor?"
"No." Chikorita corrected. "Pichu and Togepi did all that for nothing."
Togepi grinned and stuck his tongue out at Meowth. The Scratch Cat Pokémon sighed.
"Let's go then!" said Pikachu, opening the door. Everyone exited via the door, Togepi waving goodbye to the PS2-playing girls, and Chamrnader switched on the flashlight. "Okay." He said, shining the light down the corridor that was, true to Jigglypuff's word, totally straight. After walking for a few minutes, they came to another door. Squirtle twisted the doorhandle. "This should be the center." He said, pushing the door open. However, before the door was opened, a loud, high-pitched voice came from behind them. "HALT!"
The Pokémon all whirled around to see Kadabra standing in the corridor, dressed in a brown hooded cloak, laughing maniacally.
"Not you again!" Pikachu sighed.
"Go away," Bulbasaur threatened, "and we won't hurt you."
"DO YOUR WORST!" Kadabra howled. Pikachu and Pichu took their cue, stepped forwards, held hands and fired a large Thunderbolt attack at the insane Psychic Pokémon. The attack, however did nothing.
"SEE?" he bawled, "I HAVE A CLOAKING DEVICE! NO ATTACK SHALL HARM ME! MWA HA HA!"
"Can we get past?" Meowth pleaded, "Please?"
Kadabra considered. "Only if you give to me the Twistedspoon, which you will find attached to the Wild Kadabra on Route . You can only get there through Lavender Town, and while there you must set to rest the spirit of the restless Marowak in Pokémon Tower. But to scale the Tower, you need to first have a Sliph Scope. You can get this from Giovanni, who is located in the deepest basement of the Celadon Game Corner. You can only reach him by discovering the very secret switch, which is located behind a poster advertising Herbal Essences shampoo."
"Herbal Essences?" Pichu echoed.
"Or," said Squirtle angrily, "How about we take his cloak and MAKE him move?"
"I like the second option." agreed Bulbsaur.
"Okay!" shouted Pikachu, "We'll attack on the count of three!"
"Attack on the count of three? That's the best you can come up with?" said Meowth, looking disbelieving.
"Can you think of something better?" Pikachu snapped.
"Anything would be better!"
"Fine!" Pikachu yelled, "you make the plan!"
"Okay…" said Meowth, aware that all eyes were on him. "We attack… on the count… of five!"
"Okay!" Pikachu shouted, "We attack on the count of five! Any questions?"
Pichu raised a paw. The group looked at her. "If a train leaves a station traveling east at 50 mph and another train leaves a station 35 miles away traveling west at 30 mph, when will-"
"Sorry Pichu." said Charmander, "We're not going to answer your homework questions now."
"Everybody ready?" Bulbasaur shouted.
"One, two, three, four FIVE!" Meowth yelled. Everybody lunged at Kadabra, attacking him in every way possible. After a little of this, the Psy Pokémon collapsed on the floor, out cold. Pichu darted over and stole his cloak.
"What is it?" Charmander asked.
"This?" Pikachu said, staring at it, "It's just an ordinary cloak. There's nothing special about it."
"Erm... okay." said Meowth, looking scared.
"This is pointless." Pichu pointed out. "Can we just go through the door already?"
"We know the fanfic's becoming dire if Pichu's become the voice of reason." Charmander sighed, opening the door. A bright light poured in through it, causing the Pokémon to flinch for a second. Squirtle switched off the flashlight and they all entered the room at the center of the Honey Outlet.
The Core of the Honey Outlet was like a huge factory; giant vats filled with honey swirled around and jars of honey lined every wall. In fact, even the air was sickly-sweet.
"So," said a large Stagbeetle-like Pokémon turning around to face them. "You finally made it."
"Heracross? What the…?" Bulbasaur began before being cut off by the censors.
"Yes." Heracross said with a voice full of arrogance and power, "I own the Honey Outlet. Surprised?"
"Not really." Togepi muttered. "We've all read the script."
Suddenly, Togepi turned into a rock. Nobody cared.
"But if you own the outlet…" Pichu said, trying to make some kind of understanding from the revelation, "then why did you send us here?"
"But this is the beauty! I did not send you here! Totodile did! Mwa ha!"
"'Mwa ha'?" Bulbasaur repeated, his eyes filling with fear, "Oh no…"
"Yes! I fooled you! It is not Heracross! It is I!" Kadabra whipped off his Heracross costume to reveal his strange mustached yellow form.
"Just how many places can you be in at once?" Pikachu asked, annoyed.
"A lot! Mwa ha!"
"And that is getting really annoying." Meowth added. "As the token bad guy, I can understand your need to have a trademark evil laugh, but by using it every time you have a line, you just become annoying and tedious."
Kadabra looked mortally wounded and turned his now teary gaze upon his Lotad doll. "Come, Geraldine. I can see we're not wanted here." With that, he vanished in a burst of light.
"Woah!" gasped Pichu, impressed. "Go Meowth!"
"What can I say?" Meowth said, proud to have actually done something of worth the entire fanfic, "It's part of my charm."
"Okay." Pikachu said, visibly relieved that Kadabra had gone, but not prepared to tell Kadabra that, "Let's just grab some honey and go, before he comes back yet again."
"Good idea." Squirtle nodded. He and Bulbasaur ran off to the left wall and were about to take a jar from one of the giant stacks of honey that lined every wall when a voice called "Stop! That's mine!"
The two Pokémon looked up to see a yellow bear in a red shirt running towards them. Too disturbed to do anything other than run, Bulbasaur used his vines to grab a jar off the top of one of the stacks and join all the other Pokémon in dashing through a door to their right, slamming it behind them.
After they had paused to catch their breath, the Pokémon looked around to see where they were. They were outside the Honey Outlet and Cyndaquil's stall was just a few feet away. And a couple of feet away from that was another door; the one that had let them into the Maze of Death.
"What on Earth?" Squirtle yelled, outraged, "we could have just gone through this door and avoided the maze altogether! What's the point?"
Cyndaquil looked up from his stall held up a money bag. "Business." He grinned.
The following scene had been omitted for extreme violence that the Censorship in Random Fanfiction Association had deemed unsuitable for all audiences
Squirtle used his water to wash the blood off his shell before taking the honey from Bulbasaur. The Pokémon continued on towards Totodile's Sweetshop and away from Cyndaquil's mangled body.
"Hello, may I help you?" Totodile asked, smiling sweetly at the Pokémon as they entered his shop. They ignored him and marched over to Heracross, who was standing in a corner with the Wine Gums playing on a DS.
"What took you?" he said, looking up from Pokémon Dash.
"Not much, just a mentally deranged Kadabra, a money-obsessed Cyndaquil, a Maze of Death, a challenge on Dance Dance Revolution and more deranged Kadabra." Bulbasaur said through gritted teeth.
"So, did you get some?"
"There." Pikachu breathed, feeling absolutely drained and wanting to kill something. He thrust the honey at Heracross and held out his paw. "Now give us the Wine Gums."
Heracross happily complied and skipped out of the shop, hugging his honey as if it were his first-born.
"Okay." Pikachu said, holding some Wine Gums in his paws, hugging them close as if he expected something to come along and snatch them from him. "Let's go back to Dannichu."
The Pokémon followed him out of the shop and back to where Dannichu was anxiously awaiting their return.
"Did you get them?" Dannichu asked impatiently once they appeared. She was sitting in the 'Room of Fanfiction', which was full of millions of writers, typing on millions of computers about their fandom and not paying any mind to the strange creatures that had just entered their midst.
"Yes!" Charmander said, throwing the sweets into the authoress' hands, "Here you are!"
"And Dannichu," Squirtle said, looking strangely calm.
"NEVER ask us to do ANYTHING for you again!"
"Sheesh, I won't…" Dannichu rolled her eyes before stopping at the sound of approaching footsteps. "Rabid's coming; you guys have to go!" She shoved the Pokémon behind a conveniently placed piling cabinet.
"That's out thanks?" Pichu hissed from behind the cabinet.
"What do you want? A medal? If she sees you, you'll have done all that for nothing!" Dannichu whispered back.
"Heya!" Psycho said, plopping herself down in a chair next to Dannichu, "Watcha doing?"
"Nothing." Dannichu said instantly.
"Okay. Geez, I'm hungry. You don't know where my Wine Gums are, do you?"
"Here!" Dannichu said, handing the fruity sweets over to her friend.
"Thanks. Do you want one?"
"I'll pass, thanks."
"Suit yourself." The other Pokémon fan took a wine gum, put it in her mouth, chewed and then glared at Dannichu. "What the HECK have you done to these?"
"Nothing?" Dannichu replied, confused.
"Yuck!" Psycho said, spitting out the sweet, "What did you do? I'll kill you!"
"Ack!" Dannichu said, scrambling away from her psychotic friend.
"Grahhh!" Psycho said, running after her, yelling incoherently. The other authors in the room didn't even look up.
"Well that worked." Squirtle laughed.
"I do have good ideas sometimes." Meowth said proudly.
"Who would have guessed that adding tar to Wine Gums would make them taste gross?" Pichu giggled.
Thanks for reading! Yes, it has a self-insert. So sue me. I hope it made you laugh, or at least, didn't emotionally scar you. The title was not a pun from Dragonfree's Quest for the Legends, just something I came up with.
Please remember that it wasn't supposed to be taken seriously so don't flame me because it didn't make any sense. Thanks!