Late Night Musings

By: mshutts

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or any characters here-in.

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It was nights like this that he really hated being half-demon. He could not sleep. He was tired, exhausted even, but something kept him awake. Something would not allow him to enter dreamland.

He watched over his pack from his perch high atop a tree and noted how peaceful they were. They slept sound, knowing that he was keeping watch, that he would protect them.

How he wished that he could find the same state of rest that they had. Even when he did sleep, it was always with one ear cocked, waiting for any sound or movement that might mean danger. It was never this all encompassing state of drowsiness that the others found so readily.

He wondered at what it would feel like to know such peace and found the idea to be a phantom teasing just beyond his comprehension. It was not meant to be. Not for him.

It was only one more thing that he would not know that the humans and demons in his group took for granted. He tried to remember if he had ever slept that soundly, even when his mother was alive, and found that he could not recall. He supposed he should not have truly been surprised, he had not even felt completely safe with his mother, there were always the names and teasing and such that went with being a half-demon.

He had not understood why they had not liked him, he had only known that the parents and children were scared of him. Because of this, he had not really felt safe in the village. It had always felt as if one wrong move would bring it all crashing down on their heads.

And then, his mother had died, and even those half-hearted sleeps came to an end. He recalled years traveling from place to place, refusing to go to sleep for fear of never waking up again. He remembered Myouga resorting to reciting his line of lineage just to make him fall into a fitful slumber for an hour, maybe two.

Sometimes he would wish that he were still a young pup with his retainer on his shoulder, telling him he had to sleep. While he had never felt exactly safe in Myouga's presence, he had always felt some comfort in knowing that he wasn't the only one making the decisions. Now, with his own pack, he was.

He had too many worries and concerns put on his shoulders at such a young age. Most youkai at his age were not even allowed out of the protective home of their parents yet and here he was, taking on demons most other demons would shudder to face. It just wasn't fair.

But, then, being a half-demon was never fair. It wasn't fair that his father had to die so that he and his mother could live. It wasn't fair that his mother had died because of the frailties of the human body. It wasn't fair that his only living relative was trying to kill him for not being a full-blooded demon, as if he had been given any choice in the matter.

And, finally, it wasn't fair that he could not feel safe no matter where he was and no matter what he was doing because of the hate of others. He looked back down at his sleeping pack with a sigh. It was not their fault they had not had the problems he had grown up with. He would not wish his life upon anyone.

But, sometimes, he wished he did not know the pain of belonging to neither world. Sometimes, he wished he was one or the other, not really caring which so long as it was. And, sometimes, like tonight, he wondered where Myouga was and if he felt like running down the list of his lineage one more time.

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I know, most of you want the next update to 'The Prophecy', but, with adultfanfiction down, most of my muse has left me as well. (I read other people's stories to get motivation to do my own.)

This is just something that jumped into my head. It's a bit depressing, I suppose. In any event, thanks for reading and/or reviewing.