Chapter 3

Wanna be a Pokemon Master

(Or Whatever is Most Convenient)

And so Sasuke's story went on like the last four badges: stupid. Along the way, he met lots of people and crap. The end.

Professor Oak stood behind a podium with a Pokeball printed on it. HE cleared his throat and addressed the many trainers gathered in front of him. "Hello, many trainers gathered in front of me, I am now addressing you. Today is a monumental day. You have beaten/cheated against eight gym leaders, and are now about to battle each other to be the greatest. And… um…"

"Get on with it, dumb-beep-!" yelled a random trainer.

"…Okay, we will be having a preliminary round, where each trainer will participate in two matches. There will then be the semifinal and final rounds. In the preliminary round, each player can only use one Pokemon. After that, though, you can use six. You now need to register your Pokemon. You can register no more than six Pokemon, and you have to use the same one Pokemon through both matches of the prelims."

"Those rules are bull-beep-!" yelled the same guy.

"Boys," said Oak to some snipers, nodding to the guy. "Hm, that leaves an odd number of people…" The snipers, comprehending what he was saying, took out another random trainer. "Now, with the rules stated, let the tournament begin!"

The huge doors behind him opened and the trainers poured in. Oak then walked up to Ash, breathing hard. "Ash… I am… your father!"

"Nooooooooo!" screamed Ash.


Gaara walked up to Naruto. He asked him, "Fool, what Pokemon are you using?"

"I have a line-up so amazing, so powerful, that I will blaze through this tournament without challen-"

Gaara interrupted Naruto, saying, "…Six Magikarp?"

"Tch, what do you have? You are so lame, I bet you just have six Magikarp! Er… I mean five…"


"…So what Pokemon does Gaara have?" Ino asked Sakura, her eyes diverted.

I a snide voice, Sakura responded, "Gaara is a Pokemon Master. By the way, when did you and that bum you call a friend weasel your way here?"

"Well, when most of the people ended up here, Shikamaru was sitting there, but he came eventually, Forehead."

"What Pokemon does he have, Pig?"

"Mostly Dark Pokemon, um…"


"Good one!"

"How dare you call me that!"


Sasuke and Neji were glaring at each other. Dramatic music started playing in the background. Then suddenly some different but equally dramatic music started playing from the opposite direction. The two themes kept trying to get louder than the other until one fizzled out. Neji sighed and stated, "One moment…"

Neji turned around and replaced the batteries in a boom box. The theme came back on and the standoff continued until a broadcast came out stating the first match up.

"It is now time for the first Pokemon battle on the Indigo Plateau. The first two Pokemon trainers to compete in the preliminary round are Aburame Shino and Collector Edwin."

Shino and that geek stood in the massive arena across from each other. Shino made some sort of expression… probably. He threw out Venomoth while Edwin sent out Lombre. Edwin yelled, "Razor Leaf!" He proceeded to pull out his inhaler to calm himself.

Venomoth dodged easily. Shino took his chance and wiped out Edwin with Psychic. His victory was soon announced. Because honestly, what better does the announcer have to do?

Next up were Sakura and Ino. Sakura threw out Latias while Ino threw out Misdreavus. Sakura smirked and said, "Hmph, a mixture of shadow and ghost users. It figures that you'd have it."

"Psha, and it figures you'd have a Pokemon with red on, with your temper," responded Ino.

"You're losing your touch, girl."


"Anyways, Latias, Fly!"

Latias flew into the air as Ino smirked. "It looks like you have lost your touch! Misdreavus, Shadow Ball!"

Misdreavus disappeared and reappeared on Latias' level. It shot out three Shadow Balls (Get your mind out of the gutter) and took down Latias. Ino asked smugly, "Huh, what do you have to say how, smart-beep-?"

"You are a failure and will die alone!" Sakura shot back. WEAK.

"Again I say it, you are losing your touch…"


Next were Gaara and some guy. The guy sent out a Muk while Gaara sent out Regirock. Gaara did not even give his opponent a chance, telling Regirock to squish Muk. This was easily carried out. Gaara started chuckling evilly as sand surrounded his opponent, unbeknownst to everyone. Gaara kept cackling (rather unrealistically at this point) and said, "Heh heh, you are always Muk'ing things up…"

He then slapped his knee and as his hand rose he closed it, crushing his opponent. Next up were Naruto and this dude named Jeff. Jeff sent out Kingler while Naruto sent out, of course, Magikarp. Jeff smirked. This will be easy. Kingler's mouth was foaming more than usual. Jeff sent Kingler right at Magikarp but it wouldn't budge. He poked at it with a stick, but it still would not move. He looked at it, and it turned out to be dead. Suddenly the cast of CSI came out and took the crab away. After a long episode not for the weak of stomach, they came back with the diagnoses. One of them stated, "It died of rabies."

"Wow, it took that long to find the cause?" asked Jeff.

"No, we knew it as we put it on the stretcher, but if we didn't have a nasty operation, how would we get our ratings?"

Anyways, it was then Neji versus Jefferson (some dude). Neji sent out his only Pokemon, Dodrio, while Jefferson (yes, sadly, that is how he always says his name) sent out Sandslash. Neji smirked, as this dude was now royally –beep-ed. The shrew slashed Dodrio, causing major damage.

"Sonuva-beep-!" Neji yelled. "Fly!"

"What are you smokin'? It's a flightLESS bird!" said Jefferson.

Neji explained by action. The two side heads arched in the shape of wings and the middle head pointed its beak straight up. The side heads nodded furiously and the bird shot into the air. When it was far up it flipped upside down. The heads stopped moving and the bird swooped down on Sandslash, KO'ing it instantly.

The next to competitors were Kiba and Random Joe. Yes, that is his name. As Neji walked out, he asked Kiba, "When did you get here?"

Kiba sighed and said, "I was right next to you when we came here. You just ignored me… You shouldn't, though, because I'm going to marry your cousin."

"Biotch, please, even I care enough about Hinata's personal life to know that you don't stand a chance. Just start looking in the personal ads for dog lovers." Neji walked off coldly as Kiba flicked him off. Random Joe sent out Mr. Mime against Kiba's Houndoom. Houndoom roasted the mime easily, clinching the victory for Kiba. But really, what did you expect? Who would let a mime win? The white basta-

The next battle was between Lee and Shikamaru. Lee screamed, "WOOHOO! THIS IS INTENSE! SO HIGH ENERGY, HUH!"

Shik sighed and leaned his head forward, saying, "I'm sorry, have we met?"

"Uh… Yeah, why?"

Shikamaru sighed again, waving his hand in dismissal. "Never mind…"

Lee made a weird face and threw out a Psyduck. Shik threw out a Sneasel. The stupid little duck was waddling around, oblivious to the outside world. Shik chuckled and got Sneasel to slash Psyduck. By some bull-beep- miracle (quoting Shikamaru), though, Psyduck got a headache and used Confusion, giving Sneasel an almost KO'ing blow. Luckily, though, it passed out a moment after Psyduck passed out from blood loss. Shik was declared the victor by a very thin margin.

The last people up in the first part of the prelims were Sasuke and Casey (the weird baseball fan). She stared at Sasuke mindlessly, drooling slightly, and asked, "D-do you like the Electabuzz's? Please say yes!"

Sasuke stared coldly and stated, "I would, if I wanted the terrorists to win."

"…You're saying that my favorite sports players are terrorists?"

Sasuke smirked, knowing he was confusing this kid. "Am I, Casey? Am I?"

She looked at him strangely and sent out Beedrill. Sasuke sent out Gengar. Gengar used its trademark Shadow Bowling Ball and easily took down the yellow jacket.


A picture of John Grisham appeared on a commercial as an announcer started speaking. "John Grisham, writer of multitudinous books featuring similar concepts finally decides to make a movie named after the concept itself: 'Action Lawyer.' Here is an excerpt."

Harrison Ford was with the defendant. The foreman announced the defendant guilty, much to his dismay. He yelled, "Bull crap! HE is obviously innocent!"

The judge slammed his gavel and yelled, "You are out of order!"

"No, you are, you Communist –beep-!" Harrison picked up the gavel and broke it over the judge's forehead. He then ran to the foreman and sucker-punched him. His cell rang and he held it to his ear. "CIA? Yes, I'm on my way."

The announcer came back on saying, "See 'Action Lawyer,' playing at courts everywhere."


Shino was up first again. His opponent was Bill the Pokemon enthusiast-er, Pokemaniac… whatever… Shino was going to question why an enthusiast-maniac-whatever was doing competing, but that would cramp his style. Bill sent out a Kabutops (vastly inferior to Sasuke's) while Shino (obviously) used Venomoth. Bill got Kabutops to slash at Venomoth's wings, but to no avail. Venomoth flew rather high and used Sleep Powder. After the powder fell, the Kabutops looked rather high as well, and soon passed out. Shino was about to finish off the living fossil but Bill ran out t into the arena and grabbed his Pokemon. He yelled, "No! Don't hurt my Pokemon! I forfeit!"

He started to cry. It would have been very dramatic if it wasn't for Naruto throwing his Sprite at Bill and yelling, "Boo! I want to see some blood!"

Suddenly three large men dressed in black suits, black shoes, and sunglasses walked up to Naruto, pulled out stun guns, and stunned him. The biggest of them said, "This is a children's show! There can be no mention or showing of real violence."

Sakura, seated next to Naruto, mentioned, "Well isn't stunning people an act of realistic violence?"

"Frfwondwy," mumbled Naruto, which roughly translated to "Profoundly."

The three men paused for a while, thinking. The biggest pulled out a phaser and pressed the button, attempting to erase the two's memory. Sakura made a weird look and asked, "Was that supposed to do something? Because, well, it didn't work."

They paused again and then ran. The next battle was between a random Pokemon Breeder named Jill and Gaara. He sent Regirock against Jill's (bleh) Luvdisc. Gaara had a similar reaction, saying, well, "Bleh." The dislike carried on to Regirock, who carried out what Gaara was thinking (no, not the thought about how Naruto had ketchup on his chin…) and squished both Luvdisc and Jill. Gaara stared on coldly… and told Naruto about his chin.

Next up were Naruto and Ino. Just as they were entering the arena, Oak's voice came out from the speakers placed advantageously to broadcast messages throughout the stadium, and to deafen the bums who took the cheap seats at the top near the speakers. He announced, "Due to some numerical miscalculations by a few former employees, two people who have already won in the second preliminary round will have to participate in a four trainer versus four trainer battle with each trainer using three Pokemon. Also, to clarify, in this final climactic battle thingy, there will be a new field. Oh, and to the bargain seat people, BUY MORE EXPENSIVE SEATS!" The next day forty deaf people sued the Professor.

Soon Shikamaru, Ino, Neji, and Kiba were lined up opposite Sasuke, Naruto, Shino, and Gaara. The arena opened up and a rocky area filled the space. Shikamaru sent out Sneasel, Ino sent out Misdreavus, Neji sent out Dodrio, and Kiba sent out Houndoom. On the opposite side, Sasuke sent out Gengar, Naruto sent out Magikarp, Shino sent out Venomoth, and Gaara sent out Regirock.

Right off the bat, Neji sent Dodrio right at Naruto's Magikarp. All three of its beaks slammed through the fish, killing it instantly. But he bird swayed fell down, unconscious. Some doctors ran out and Neji ran up to them. He asked, "Will my Pokemon make it, nurse?"

Nurse Joy leaned toward him, whispering, "I'm not actually a nurse. I was just trained to put critters on beds and press buttons. I've seen worse cases, though. I think the Magikarp was swimming in a pool with a rusty pipe in it. Your critter just bit it and got poisoned." Neji walked off with them, his "critter" in a stretcher. Oak came on the stereos saying, "Neji has been eliminated! Three more trainers to go on one side! SUE ME, CHEAPSKATE SEAT BUYERS!"

Meanwhile, Regirock had picked up a boulder and was about tot throw it at Misdreavus when Misdreavus used its powers to stop it in its tracks. It then sent the giant Pokemon flying back into the stands, squishing multiple people. Gaara recalled the giant and sent out Latios.

Kiba and Shino were fighting fiercely (well, Shino seemed to be paying attention, but you never can tell with that boy). Houndoom was blowing out flames with Flamethrower while Venomoth flew around, dodging. The duel went stale, though, when Venomoth strayed too close to Ino's noticeably longer ponytail. It started to burn up due to Flamethrower. She cut off her ponytail right before it caught the rest of her hair on fire. Ino tried to keep her temper, telling herself that she looked good with short hair, but still ended up yelling at Kiba and Shino. Well really just Kiba, because yelling at Shino is like yelling at a wall, and that gets boring. Trust me, I know. Gaara took advantage of her distraction and told Latios to continuously use Fly on Misdreavus. He easily took the ghost down.

Ino started yelling at Gaara, but he simply dismissed it by saying, "Talk to the hand" and forming a giant hand out of sand in front of him. Ino smirked and sent her spirit into Gaara's body. She made him continuously run into the giant hand. Shukaku started talking to her, though, and its screechy, annoying voice caused the spirit to rush back into its host body. Shukaku started sobbing and asked Gaara, "Why does everyone think my voice is so annoying!"

Gaara responded, "Because… it… is?"

Sasuke and Shikamaru were fighting fiercely… kind of… okay, not really. But they were fighting. Sneasel hacked wildly with its claws while Gengar shot Shadow Balls at it, making them look VERY "mentally challenged." Eventually Sneasel was taken down, though, removing Shik from the competition, but of course he didn't care… on the outside. On the inside, he was fighting with thousands of hidden emotions, crushing him-so much so that… I obviously made it up.

Meanwhile, Ino had sent out her own Gengar, proceeding to command its use of Shadow Ball. Its type gave it a natural advantage and Latios was easily taken down. Gaara then sent out his semi-revealed-I mean SECRET-weapon: Mewtwo. Gaara shot a malicious smirk at Mewtwo, and the Pokemon nodded, understanding the order. Mewtwo raised its hand, causing the ground to shake. An earthquake started and all Pokemon, even those in their balls (this joke will go on and on…) were instantly KO'd. Oak came on, stating, "Well… considering everyone but Gaara has lost, he is not only a Pokemon Master, but also a Pokemon Champion!"

Everyone cheered but Gaara who, with Mewtwo, beat up Oak and took the trophy. The last thing all the ninjas-and Mewtwo-heard was Oak whining, "Oh, my lumbago!" before they were sent back to Konoha.


For FAR future reference, it is best to stop here and read to Chapter 19 of my other story before reading on. These stories can be read independent of each other, but I might accidentally mix my thoughts and mention something in that story in this story. So again, they are independent, but are good together. Like mayonnaise and… anything!