My first KiraxCagalli fanfic that actually goes further than a brohter/sister relationship! I think that they make such a sweet and dangerous couple that everything they do is utterly sexy together! Quite high on symbilism and angst, but don't let that put you off.

I don't own Gundam SEED or Destiny, but we all wish we did!

Set during Destiny after episode 34/35, but you don't have to have seen Destiny to understand and follow! Enjoy!

I Think I'm Drowning, Asphyxiated

There was no light in the room and Cagallli liked it that way. She sighed, her gaze fixated on the blueness that seeped through her window, giving the dark room a blue tint, throwing obscure shadows around the room.

She couldn't believe how blue the water actually was. It was so clear, seemingly untainted by the war that happened above the surface and around it. She somehow felt like an intruder as the Archangel sped through its depths towards Orb after a narrow escape in the Artic.

Cagalli drew her knees up towards her body as she sat on the window seat of her room. She couldn't help but feel extremely isolated and alone at this moment in time as if the azure waters were seeping though the glass and seemingly drowning her.

She felt her amber eyes staring right through the reflective blueness and a sense of nausea developed in her lungs as if she couldn't breathe; a sense of drowning. She tore her gaze away, burying her head into her knees.

To drown: what a lonely way to die. No matter how, bold brash and confident she always seemed, she had always had a feeling of difference and insignificance. And she had always felt lonely because of it. She was sure this had stemmed from before she was born, and during the last war, she had been sure.

The empty space beside her form in their Mother's womb; the protective fluid around her applying pressure on her tiny body, seemingly drowning her and telling her that there was half missing. Perhaps her tiny stray fingers reaching out for someone who wasn't there when she knew deep down, should be.

"Kira…"

He'd been hurt pretty badly by the Impulse during the last battle before they had escaped into the ocean. She felt as if she should have done more to help him, like been out there fighting with him. She smiled. He was just too stubborn, though not as much as her. He was more protective and would do anything to save people. Right now, he was especially protective of her.

She delicately fingered the ring that Athrun had given her, sighing before light flooded the blue room as the door opened with a whoosh. She whipped her head around, immediately coming out of her vulnerable position and her eyes widened as she saw Kira leaning against the door frame smiling.

"Kira? What the…"

"I'm okay, Cagalli. You don't have to worry."

The door whooshed closed as he carefully stepped into the room, once again tinting the room in blue. It cast an eerie haze over him, making the white of his Orb uniform jacket that he wore unbuttoned a pale neon blue colour, his features sharp and handsome. But more beautifully, his amethyst eyes shone.

"You're not okay, Kira!" she scolded before rising up, walking up to him and grabbing his hand before continuing, "lie down."

She gestured to the bed.

"Cagalli…"

"Just do it, Kira! You're still injured. Don't think I didn't see you wincing when you came in."

He sighed and settled to sit before Cagalli frowned and pushed him down gently by his shoulders so that he was lying down.

"What are you doing here, Kira? The Doctor said that your injuries weren't that bad, but still, you're weak! You should have stayed in the medical room."

"You made me eat; I'm fine, Cagalli…"

She gently put her hand oh his forehead over his bandage, "At least you don't have a fever."

He smirked lightly, "You're fussing, Cagalli."

She sighed and withdrew her hand before sitting beside him on the bed, "Well, I've got to look after my little brother. I…I was worried about you Kira…"

Her amber eyes softened and he smiled, "I'm not going anywhere."

She smiled back, "Right, now sleep and you'll be better in no time."

He cast his eyes away slightly, blue shadows across his face, "Actually I…I came here because I couldn't sleep, and by the looks of it," Kira lifted his hand to ghost his fingers over her cheek, his eyes soft and caring, "you couldn't either."

He knew; he always understood.

Cagalli felt her breath hitch in her throat at his gentle movements and it sent a shiver down a spine. He had done the same exact thing the first time they had…

And Kira knew it.

She lifted her hand to push his fingers away, but they ended up interlaced with his, her small fingers against his calloused ones. He squeezed gently and she felt a warmth that she shouldn't sense. Without a word he pulled her down so that she was lying down beside him, her head turned away from him.

Neither said anything and the silence stretched, their hands still entwined. Cagalli turned her head towards her twin, observing his thoughtful face that was staring into the ceiling. Looking at him now, she wondered why she hadn't felt anything before; that they were related. They were like mirror images of each other. Kira's chestnut hair was so much like hers as it hung over his face and their eyes, though of different colour, had the same shape and intensity. One look into his amethyst eyes and she could see everything that he felt.

She closed her eyes briefly. She had lied when she had just wondered why she hadn't felt anything before when they had first met and got to know each other. That first instant in Heliopolis when she had gazed into his eyes, his chestnut hair fanning out around his face, she had felt something so deep that it had scared her. Opening her eyes, she looked at him again. That feeling had developed since then, and that was what frightened her.

He was so different to her personality wise: he was always apprehensive and always knew what to say after careful deliberation, unlike when she just said what she thought without a moment's contemplation. He knew her inside out and she did him, but Kira had always understood her in a way that no one else had ever. He knew how she prayed for something to push away her anxieties and she knew that he still suffered inside.

He turned his amethyst eyes towards her before completely turning his body around, his eyes showing pain.

"Kira…" she began, but his look silenced her. She knew that he wanted to talk.

His gaze was intense and filled with understanding, and instantly she felt that missing half being filled. He was the other half to her, and it should have made her feel complete. But in this moment of time, as Kira's amethyst eyes bore deeply into hers, she felt the loneliness wash over her once more, freezing her to the core. In the blue hue of the room, his eyes were tinted azure and as he drew closer to her, she felt like she was drowning once more. Cagalli felt unable to breathe properly, his body heat seeping into her although they were hardly touching, yet so close.

He began to talk, his voice deep and husky, "The Freedom…now that it's been destroyed, how can I keep on protecting? I fight to protect, but now I can't…how can I protect the world? How can I protect you?"

His grip increased slightly on her hand, his eyes focused directly on hers, "There are lots of other people fighting too, Kira; here and in space."

"I don't want to fight. Others fight to win, I fight to protect. I…I don't want to fight like them."

Cagalli understood perfectly, "But you feel like a stronger person with your Gundam, like you're protected and that you can protect. You feel that perhaps, to fight is your only way to protect. Now that it's gone…Is that why you can't sleep?"

Kira breathed deeply, "If I sleep, I can't watch over you or protect this ship."

He said it with such conviction in his voice that Cagalli didn't know what to say. His gaze was so intense and without warning, he brought her fingers to his lips and ghosted butterfly kisses onto the tips as he closed his eyes. It sent a fiery warmth down her arm and into her body, her ability to breathe once again influenced by the drowning feeling that accompanied it.

But she felt unable to do anything about it. It lasted for the briefest of moments, his butterfly kisses, and when he opened his eyes, he kept their interlaced hands near to him, as if to make sure that she would stay close to him.

The blue of the room sent strange shadows bounding on his face, but it did nothing to hide the brilliance of his eyes.

Cagalli felt a slight heat on her cheeks as she spoke, her words slightly stumbling, "Relax Kira…we'll be okay. Anyway…you've got to rest now."

He smiled and released her hand for the first time since she had laid down next to him, "But you can't sleep either, Cagalli."

"Kira, you're more important right now."

His eyes darkened and suddenly, he pulled her so that her head rested in the crook of his neck, his arms securely around her. She had no time to react or gasp in surprise because she was instantly enveloped in his warmth and then she was unable to move.

Whenever she breathed, his unique scent pleasantly invaded her nostrils, tendrils of his chestnut hair tickling her cheek. She was flush against him, his arms loose yet protectively tight, as if afraid that she would try to turn away. Her hands were resting on his chest and she could feel the fast palpitations of Kira's heart. One of his hands was on her lower back and a warmth seemed to burn through her Orb uniform onto her skin. She wasn't supposed to feel like that and once again, she felt the water rising around her as if constricting her. The two halves were as close as one, but she still felt that bitter loneliness.

Her thoughts were interrupted as he spoke, his chest vibrating slightly, "You can't sleep because you feel responsible, right? Everything that's happened, all the battles that we couldn't stop, all the tears and misunderstandings that have occurred: it's not your fault."

And of course, he knew exactly what her troubles were. He was like the water itself; could penetrate the smallest of cracks and see deep within her soul. She closed her eyes and hugged him tighter, as if seeking reassurance.

"You're not insignificant Cagalli. You're the most precious person in this war: the person who will lead us to peace. If only if other people could see how precious you are."

Somehow, he always knew the right thing to say. Cagalli hugged him tighter still.

Kira took her left hand gently and slowly fingered the ring that Athrun had given to her, and it dawned on her that her twin had been commenting on Athrun before. She tensed slightly and he spoke, "You've grown…distant from him. He made you cry. I…I'd never make you cry, Aneki…I care too much…"

It was Cagalli who laced their fingers together now, her grip tight and possessive. Aneki, he had said, older sister… His words had struck deep within her heart, his voice filled with care and understanding. She felt as if she couldn't control herself anymore, the tide of the blue ocean rising around her, consuming her.

Cagalli knew that Kira knew how lonely she felt; he'd only need to glance at her soul to see that. She once wished that they could have perhaps had a past together and then, she wouldn't be intensely feeling this way. But then, deep down, she wanted that feeling: that feeling of right over something that should be wrong. Deep down, she wouldn't want it any other way.

Kira turned slightly in their embrace so that his lips were at her ear where he whispered, "I can take away your loneliness, Cagalli…"

And then he was raining sweet kisses down her neck, leaving a searing heat of pleasure coursing through her veins. She felt weak, light headed and the water rose higher around her as she began to drown. She closed her eyes, tightening her grip on their interlaced fingers before she pulled back from his embrace, his warmth immediately leaving her.

She sat up on the bed, her breathing still recovering from his onslaught of emotions and the drowning constriction of loneliness that she felt in his arms. The blue of the room was quite unnerving. Kira lost his smile and drew his body up a bit, "Cagalli…"

She fisted her fingers and brought them up to her face before speaking, "Kira, please, I…I'll always be lonely with you because…be…because we can never be."

There was silence as she removed her hands from her eyes and avoided his gaze, looking out of the window at the azure ocean that passed.

That was everything that she felt. To be with him was to drown; to be lonely because they could never be. All that feeling of constriction, of not being able to breathe: that drowning. It would always be there because they could never be. That feeling of loneliness, of drowning, intensified when she was with him because a relationship between them was forbidden. To be with him a short while and then to be pulled apart by forces unknown would be the ultimate lonely death, and she would drown.

She could feel his eyes penetrating her and she found that she couldn't avoid his gaze anymore. Locking their eyes, she was surprised to see such determination and assertiveness in his eyes. But he was always apprehensive, so why…

She broke their gaze once more and completely turned away, her back to him. Just looking at him made her feel weak at the knees, and she couldn't let anything happen, she just couldn't…

"You can't get rid of that loneliness," she repeated, her voice choking.

"I can," she heard him state. She could hear a rustle of clothing as if he was rising up more and the next thing she knew, his arms were around her petite waist, his nose nuzzling her neck despite his injuries. It sent a delightful shiver down her spine.

"You're never sure without a lot of deliberation!" she burst out, the loneliness coming back, "why now?"

He kissed her neck with his soft lips once only, making it long and sensuous, his grip firm on her waist, his eyes intense and full of emotion as he said, "Because I love you."

She tensed, her body frozen before she suddenly relaxed against him as if he had taken all resolve out of her body, her eyes closing as he hugged her tightly from behind. It was that love, the love that soared over any other love. Those words shook her insides and completely warped her mind. She had always known, but to hear it from his lips, his voice husky and needy, sent a new feeling coursing through her. There had always been something about him, some hidden passion that drew her to him like a moth to a flame. It was happening now, his control over her strengthening.

"Kira…" she lifted her hand and threaded her fingers through his hair, arching her neck to the side with a small moan to give him more access to her sensitive neck, her other hand placed upon his on her waist.

"You don't know how much I long for you Aneki; how much I need you…" he breathed upon her skin, goose pimples rising up.

The water was fast rising, applying pressure to her chest, her breathing laboured.

'We can't be, we can't be…' she chanted in her mind, loneliness drowning her, but she couldn't help it now: she begged for his touch. And she needed him too.

She turned in his arms, immediately latching onto his shoulders and burying her head into his hair as he resumed pleasantly torturing her with his forbidden love. Each kiss at her neck grew more urgent, resulting in little nips that he immediately soothed with his tongue causing her to moan and squeeze him tighter. The water rose more and though she needed him, she was still fighting.

"Kira…please…" she chaste kissed him softly on the cheek before withdrawing back in their fierce embrace, breaking his attachment to her neck. Looking into his blue tinted eyes, she saw how hazy they were: filled with an intense lust that frightened her.

"What about Lacus?" Cagalli whispered.

Kira breathed, closing his eyes and caressing the sides of her body, "There's only you, there's only ever been you."

He opened his eyes and leaned close, "Ever since I came back to Orb and you tackled me to the floor and the deep moments we shared afterwards, like when we cuddled and fell asleep against each other. Before anyone else or the genetics got involved."

The water rose; she could hardly breathe, "We told ourselves that time that we wouldn't let it go further!"

Cagalli closed her eyes, feeling wetness prick her eyelashes. She loved him too, she did, but she couldn't accept his love if it could be taken away so easily by the means of society, leaving her lonelier than before. It should never have come this far.

He came closer, drowning her still, "I tired to give you up Cagalli, but I'm addicted."

The water was above her head now as she opened her eyes and she was drowning for sure, the blue tint of the room engulfing her, his eyes pure.

She was flush against him now, "We…we said that we'd forget!"

Kira's grip around her tightened, his eyes full of emotion, a slight smile at his lips that made him look strikingly beautiful, "But you can never really forget, can you?"

"Kira…" her mind was spinning in his embrace as he tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear, his every touch sending sparks into her eyes.

"You won't be lonely, Cagalli."

"I will," she whispered, her fingers digging into his neck, "we can never be..."

But Kira did not believe that.

They were just weak protests in her mind now as their gaze locked together, their mouths inching apart and slightly open, as if hungry for the other. But she still felt as if she was going to drown.

"Cagalli…"

She was under water now, floating in a haze as they were closer than ever before, their fingers entwined once more, his eyes blue, then amethyst, then blue again. She was scared of that loneliness, but right now, as their lips slowly connected, all she wanted was to drown in the pleasurable asphyxiation of their first kiss.

She wasn't coming up for air anytime soon.


I saw a beautiful fanart of the twins in water and this idea came straight to my head. I wanted to depict Cagalli's struggle to actually accept Kira's love for her and the confusion that she feels because of it. The constriction of the water is represented through Kira. I hopeI managed to convey this through.

What did you think? Please review!

I may continue this.

2006 dragon agility