Oye, Motokonobaka hea. I know, no one has reviewed Ken No Ronin, even after I put up two new chapters. Gah! This oneshot I had to make. Remember, I am not responsible for any brain damage afterwards! Everyone's alive here because it would be too hard if they were dead. Hey you people—if you hate comedy, GO READ KEN NO RONIN ALREADY! That's all.
Motokonobaka Presents: And That's The Truth
Why did it happen? Well, officer, you wouldn't believe me if I told you. Seriously, you wouldn't. I bet you 500 yen. You're on? Okay then. Call me Ishmeal…
My name is Heihatchi. Hayashibara Heihatchi. I'm a woodchopper by trade, see, and a mechanic, but—oh, the sword? Oh. Well, I'm a samurai. An out of work samurai. A ronin. Uh, yeah. Humiliating, huh? Not really, actually. I don't like killing. Not as much as I like rice. You listening? Rice is THE food of the gods! Over half the countries in the whole freaking world use it as a staple! And the taste! Yummy! I could eat for days of Kanna's rice on end—oh, you want me to tell you why the Firefly Inn got totaled. Eheheh. See, Gorobei was throwing this shindig thing….
…We all didn't know that Gorobei was a huge fan of the Winter Olympics. In fact, we didn't know he was into sports, period. So when he invited everyone to watch with him, everyone was all like, "no". But then Gorobei mentioned the fact that Momotaro was letting us use the big room in the Firefly Inn. That's the one with the huge-ass big screen TV. I've taken it apart and put it back together for fun I don't know how many times. And then Gorobei mentioned the fact that we get the whole place to ourselves for the evening, on top of free food AND free sake. Then everyone was all like, "Hee-eeell Yusssss!" Me, I was had at "free food." You don't pass up an opportunity to score free rice! That's practically the only reason I went to Kanna! Ha, just kidding, Katsushiro-dono. I went 'cause I wanted to save them, really! Agh, put the sword away! No, I didn't insult Kirara! Officer, can't you restrain him? Nooooo….
….So anyway, dear officer, we all went down to Gorobei's Olympic party. Well, actually, some of us went down willingly. We had to kidnap Kyuzo and knock him unconscious, then drag him all the way to the Firefly Inn, 'cuz nobody says no to Gorobei! The food was flippin' awesome. They even had that portable grill in the center of the room where you could grill your food right there and eat it! So who was there? Well, all seven of us, for starters. Then there was Komachi, then Kirara, then Rikichi, Yukino, Sanae, Honoka, Honoka's sister, the Shikimoribito, Okara, Shino, and everyone from Kanna! Even though it is logically impossible to fit every one of those people in that room, we did it! Oh, the magic of Fanfiction!
When did the chaos happen? Well, it probably started when Kyuzo woke up from his coma. First he wanted to kill Gorobei for knocking him out and hog-tying him to the ceiling. I didn't mention the hog-tying? Gorobei tied him to the ceiling as a precaution, see, just in case he woke up. I suggested it myself. No one wants to piss off Kyuzo. Well, he must've not tied the knots tight enough, 'cuz Kyzo wriggled out like a butterfly from a cocoon (but not really. You see, he didn't grow wings or become pretty. Ha, kidding, Kyuzo! No, seriously! Officer, help!). Where was I? Oh yeah. Kyuzo drops down like Spiderman, draws his katanas, and proceeds to threaten Gorobei. Then Kyuzo saw that Kambei was there, and launched himself at Kambei with a yell of "DIE, BIACH!" Now, Kyuzo would not usually raise his voice above a monotone whisper, but this time he was royally pissed! Kambei and Kyuzo fought for the longest time until Gorobei yelled, "GODDAMMIT, KEEP IT DOWN! LUGE IS ON!" Did they listen? No. They trashed half the room while they were at it. So, what could lil' ol me do?
There was no other solution. I had to act fast. Even though I would probably regret this for the rest of my short life, I did it. I opened the front door. Doesn't seem drastic? Let me tell you who was behind that door, dear Officer. Yes, you guessed it. All of Kyuzo's OC fangirls. The carnage was spectacular. Kyuzo ended up handing from a light fixture while the OC's tried to bring him down. Of course, no one suspected ol' Heihachi. No, Kyuzo figured it was Kikuchiyo's fault, so he attacked Mechaman. Kyuzo, poor soul, should have remembered Komachi. With a "Don't hurt Nunky!" Komachi grabbed a two-by-four from Kami knows where and smacked him to the far reaches of the Galaxy. And we were all like, "Heheheh owned." Never underestimate the power of Komachi! I think that was when Momotaro AKA Shichiroji suggested the drinking contest. Me, I think he wanted to get as drunk as possible so that when this was all over, he would have no memory of it at all. Big mistake. Katsushiro had a drink, and then another, and then another. Did I mention Kirara was in this contest too? Sometimes I wonder what the France the girl is thinking. You can guess the rest. Katsushiro and Kirara got horrendously drunk and then the party pretty much got shot to hell. I learned one thing that day, which was to never, ever, under any circumstances, give the Kanna Water Maiden alcohol. She said she was going to dance, she got up on the table, and then I put my foot down and told Katsushiro to take her home. I didn't coun't on ol' Katsunoji being wasted, though, so he thought I was insulting Kirara, challenged me to a duel, and then attacked. Well, Officer, the ol' samurai instincts kicked in and I was fighting for my life. You heard of Drunken Fist? Well, Katsushiro is Drunken Blade. I finally managed to dump him in the koi pond, but then Kirara knocked a lantern over. Needless to say, the Firefly Inn instantly caught fire. I hightailed it outta there, dragging as many people as I could salvage out of there. Oh, I guess the blaze from the Inn must've started that fire in the Healing City. And then you found us and carted us off to jail! So that's it officer, I swear. Don't sit there with your mouth open, please, flies might fly in it. That's the truth, really. That's the truth.
Sweet glue-sniffin' baby Jesus! That was the most demented thing I ever wrote. What inspired me? Probably the winter Olympics combined with a heavy dose of Yaoi and remembering all the worst case situations I've been in at parties. Remember, kiddies, Heihachi is the coolest of the Seven, and he will be very happy if you review!