Title: Jack O'Neill Is Not a Toy (Marital Rule #5)

Author: Andraste

Category: Missing Scene/Romance

Disclaimer: Not mine, but I promise to put them back when I'm done. And yes, the title is a play on one of the "Get Fuzzy" comic collections by Darby Conley. Awesome comic strip. As always, thanks to Ayiana for the beta.

Spoilers: The Scourge (S9)


Sam stifled a snicker, and continued putting groceries away. Thank goodness for hands-free cell technology. "Yes, Jack. Bugs."

"You do realize how outrageously expensive a house call to the Gamma site by the Orkin man would be, right? The shrubs have this thing with budgets here, y'know. I have to listen to them bitch about it on a daily basis."

"Yes, dear."

"And I thought I asked you to go on boring missions for a while. I distinctly remember making… Wait a minute. Did you just say 'yes, dear'?"

"Yes, dear."

There was a very, very long pause.


Wisely, she bit back the laughter that was screaming to get out. "Yes, Jack?"

"We have a rule about this, don't we?"

God. She was dying here. "Yes."

He cleared his throat. "And, just for the record, the rule is…?"

"My husband is not a toy, unless we mutually agree he is."

"Didn't agree this time, Sam."

She really, really hated that rule. He was just so much fun to mess with. Sam sighed and twisted open a bottle of Guinness, taking a large swig.

Suddenly, realization came crashing down. She was going to kill him.

"You're the one who called General Landry from the Pentagon! It was you!"

He was evidently thrown by the sudden 360 degree turn in conversation. "Huh?"

The bottle slammed to the counter. "Landry mentioned a call from the Pentagon during our post-mission briefing. And he gave me the oddest look. It was you! O'Neill, I am so going to kick your ass!"

"What! I didn't say anything! Do I look stupid? Wait, don't answer that. I was doing my job! I am head of Homeworld Security, y'know! I don't just sit in my office and play video games all day!"

Her fingernails drummed on the countertop.


She stared out the window. Looked like rain again. She picked up her beer and sipped.

"Okay, I might have politely inquired as to what was being done to save you… SG-1 and the shrubs, that is. Not you specifically. Not that your well-being is any more or less important, just 'cause you're my wife and all."

That one tree in the back really needed to be pruned. Sam made a mental note to call someone on Monday and schedule that.

"Okay! I yelled! I demanded to know what the hell Hank was going to do to get you back! I mentioned you specifically! Happy now?"

His muttered curses came through exceptionally clearly. It was Abydonian, and she wondered if it was anatomically possible, not to mention legal, to perform such an act. She'd have to ask Daniel, just in case her translation was off.

And yes, she was breaking the rule again.

God, it was fun.

"Sam? I love you."

Wow, he was resorting to groveling. At this rate, she should be able to get him to agree to just about anything.

"Like, totally think you're hot. Next time we're together, I'll do anything you want. I willingly agree to be your plaything."

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a winner!

"Yes, Jack. You will."

His relief was palpable, even over the phone. "I was worried. You've been on one messed up mission after another. Now you were being hunted by man – and woman – eating bugs. I might have… lost my temper. A little."

There was a hint of sulking in his tone. He'd be in a full-blown pout if she didn't let him off the hook. "I know, Jack." Then her eyes narrowed suspiciously. "You'd better not have had anything to do with us getting babysitting duty."

"What? No! By the time I heard about it, you were already gone. I might have wanted you to go on a couple of boring missions, but I would never do something like that to you. I have to suffer with the shrubs every day. I'm certainly not going to subject the love of my life to such a horror."

She grinned. "I didn't think so, but just thought I'd check. Because, while I might be… annoyed… T, Daniel, and Cam might not be so understanding."

Daniel and Cam he might not worry about, but Teal'c was not to be trifled with. Ever. "Gotcha."

Her phone beeped quietly, and she glanced down at the screen. Damn. "Jack, my battery is about to go. Can I call you back?"

"I have a couple things to wrap up, so I'll just call you when I get home, unless it's really late."

She sighed. "Okay. I love you, Jack."

"Backatcha. And, in case I don't get to talk to you again tonight… Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite."

There was the beginning of a laugh, and then the line went dead. He so did not just say that…


She stared at the phone in her hand, then moved to the charger and plugged it in.

And then she laughed.

Yes, he was an ass. But he was hers.

God, she adored him.