Evil Eragon

Disclaimer: You don't want me to own Eragon. Bad things would happen if I did. But I don't so peace, happiness, and justice reign. Yeah, right.


Garrow carefully tied the bag of money to his belt…No, he didn't. He did not! This is what really happened…

As soon as they got to Crapahall, Garrow dropped his bag-o-cash jackpotthat he won in Vegas. The coins jumped out of his bag as fast as they could, yelling "Freedom!" Garrow began to scream curses. Eragon's jaw dropped after several moments. Roran slowly covered his ears. After several more minutes, the coins cover their own ears and rolled away towards the children, who had been listening attentively to Garrow. They stuffed the coins in their mouths like Doritos. Garrow, who had stopped for breath, began cussing again, and ran toward the children, who ran towards their parents. Garrow yelled at their parents instead. They stared at him like migrant workers who don't speak a word of English and began making out with each other. The traders walked around yelling "Get a room!" and "Don't eat that!" One child shrieked at the sight of them.

"Mommy, that man's back again!" His mother quit snogging with his father and strode up to a trader.

"We have a restraining order!" she announced. "Clear off!" The traders' children, brats the lot of them, chanted "Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!" and unsheathed their knives.

"No!" Eragon shouted. "We must stop them before they kill again!" But he got bored with that and walked away from the mêlée the villagers and traders got into. He instead went looking for Roran. Roran had been proposing to Katrina. She was about to say 'yes' when Eragon walked over, tapped her on the shoulder, and started making out with her. Roran went all "Stronghammer" on Eragon's backside for kissing his girl. Meanwhile, Katrina got bored, wandered away, and passed Garrow, who was still spewing words no one had even HEARD before. Sloan took it as a challenge and started a cussing competition. Sapphira hatched, decided she hated everyone, was scarred for life and ran away. Christopher Paolini, bravely attempting to continue with the plot, caused Gallbatorix to get word that Crapahall was a huge threat. He flew over it to see the traders and villagers banding together against the kids, who were killing again and eating money. A small, valiant coin hopped into Shrukien's claw, babbling about how it was free, when he crushed it. This scene so affected Gallbatorix he decided to leave politics to establish the Hair Loss Club for Men. He's not just a founder; he's a client. Eragon did save the world. So there.

So you don't like my story? Well, as Garrow would say, (The following has been censored by Shur-Tugals against Sh-t)

And they lived happily every after.