AN: I will finish this story. I promise. It will have substance.
It's just a party. I keep saying that to myself, hoping that I will come to believe it. I know it is not just a party. Ron will be there. You will be there. Isn't that enough to make any sane witch scared out of her wits? Well, I mean, any normal witch would assume be jumping for joy seeing Ron Weasley, champion keeper for the Canons and Harry Potter, Boy-Who-Saved-The-Wizarding-World-As-We-Know-It. But then again, I have never been a normal witch.
Tell me to breathe. Please. I don't think I can do it on my own anymore. I haven't seen you in three years. My fault, I admit. I was working, I was studying, I was throwing myself out of whack. Take your pick of my excuses. None of them are correct. None of them are true. Yes, I was working. Yes I was studying. And yes, I might have thrown myself out a little bit. But none of them are the reason that I haven't seen you for so long. I was in lo...well, I don't like to talk about it, seeing as if I voice it, then it might actually be true. I don't want it to be true, because it would throw the perfectly orderly life I have made for myself into chaos. I might lose you forever, if I told you. Then again, I wonder what I am doing at the moment?
I think about you on a regular basis. I often wonder to myself what I would do if I ever saw you again. Why is there this nagging feeling that keeps me thinking of you, anyhow? Your hair, your eyes, your grin, your being my best friend for so long and then going off, saving the world, and kissing your best friend's sister. I know this is beginning to be unhealthy, thinking of you like this. I shouldn't. This should just be infatuation at most, friendship at best, but that doesn't explain why I haven't been able to face you for three years. That doesn't explain why you come into my mind when I'm alone, when I'm most vulnerable. That doesn't explain why, in my dreams, when Voldemort decides to AK me, you're the one that does some fancy bit of magic and saves me, and kisses me afterwards. In my dreams, it's always me you're kissing, never her. And that's the main thing, the main reason that I'm never supposed to think of you. You've got her. Rest assured, I would never come between you and your fire-haired goddess. That would be absurd, especially for me, because I know how it feels to come between two people. Goodness knows in Fifth Year when I came between you and Cho. I felt horrible, yet strangely elated that you defended me against her.
Sometimes, I wonder what would happen if I could control my feelings. I wonder if I would be with Ron, the first one who told me he loved me. I wonder if I would choose him knowing that he was meant to be with Luna, that in the present day, he would be so in love with her. He could never give her up like he did me. I would never want him to do that. I admit prejudice against her in the beginning, but the girl was in Ravenclaw, yet seemed so fantastical. She is so alike to me. I know that now, now that we have shared so much and lost so much during the war.
The War. It has changed us. It has made me more immune to, but more afraid of pain. I am scared of hurting my body, scared of hurting my mind, scared of hurting my heart. I am so scared of hurting my heart. You are making it worse, I know, because I have this image of you in my mind, this perfect image, because although you are far from perfect, you are still somehow perfect to me. Do you remember that night, when I was awake and shivering because of a nightmare and you somehow sensed it and came into my room? Ron, my supposed boyfriend, was snoring away down the hall, but you sensed that I needed someone, that I needed you. You didn't ask any questions, just crawled into bed next to me and held me. And I slept. And in the morning, you smiled at me, and kissed the top of my head, and crept back into your room. Ron never knew. I never forgot.
You're the same boy with the broken glasses on the train. You've just grown stronger, changed into someone that knows pain and anguish and knows how to relieve it, even at the expense of yourself. I wish that you would stop blaming yourself, even part of the time. I wish she could help you. I wish I could help you. I wish I could forget you too, but I know that it's not going to happen.
So I'll put on my dress. I'll tame my hair. I'll put on a decent pair of earrings. 'll go to the Ministry party that is supposed to be honoring me. I'll see Ron there with Luna, and I'll kiss them both and bless their child that I know is on the way. I'll see you there with Ginny, and I'll kiss you both and wish you...well, I'll wish you something. Sometime will pop into my mind. I'm Hermione Granger, after all, and something will come to me. I know. I'll give you both my love. And you'll never know that I love you more than I let on, that I will always, always love you. And for now, that will be enough.