Notes & Copyright Stuff: I do not own Xenogears. I do not own the song used here, which is Komm Susser Tod, or Come Sweet Death from the End of Evangelion. This is a type of alternate universe fic. Though the events happen inside the world of Xenogears, there is no chance of them happening within Xenogears continuity. The characters themselves have been modified slightly to suit this fic's purpose.The Deepest Wound
A Xenogears songfic by Cloud
I know, I know I've let you downI've been a fool to myself
I thought that I could
live for no one else
"What's wrong Fei? Is that all you've got?"
Ramsus' gear attacked Weltall furiously with its energy blade causing the cockpit to rock violently each time he connected.
"Ugh... Can't keep this up..."
Fei's breathing came in labored gasps as the lights surrounding the cockpit continually fluctuated. He fought off the claustrophobic fear induced by the small space that Weltall provided for its pilot.
Suddenly, Elly's gear, Vierge came into view in front of him, commanding six funnel-shaped aerods to attack Ramsus' gold-colored gear. The aerods hit their target perfectly, forcing Ramsus' gear off its feet.
A green beam of energy shot Vierge from above, disabling one of its arms.
"Fight with me my dear." Said Miang, who had fired the beam from her own gear perched atop a rocky ledge above the fighters.
"Miang do not interfere, I wish to defeat him alone!" Ramsus said emphatically.
"That's fine with me. Then I'll deal with the girl."
Elly pointed Vierge's rod at Miang.
"Hmph. If we must fight to end this, then so be it."
The womens' gears moved away from the male pilots to square off against each other.
Meanwhile, inside Weltall, Fei was struggling against his own inner demons. Id's voice whispered into his mind. Soft and slow at first, then louder and more intense. Like a thousand lapel wings beating in unison, the voice multiplied and grew louder until it blocked out all sound except its own. The voices mocked and threatened him, cursing him for being a selfish coward. Urging him to get angry, to release his pent up emotions, to kill!
An electric shock running through Weltall's frame jolted Fei back into reality. Ramsus had recovered and was once again attacking him relentlessly. Fei saw his adversary inside the gear's cockpit. Ramsus was shouting, but no sound could be heard. Id was now screaming to be released.
A red haze flashed before his eyes.
"No...not now!" The cold reality hit him. A chill ran down his spine. He had felt "him" growing stronger in the past few days. Awakening from "his" dormant state and storing "his" strength to one day take control again. Id, the embodiment of Fei's evil desires, the person who endured all the sorrows and pains of this world for him.
He had only recently learned about this other person living inside him, but Fei already dreaded Id's arrival now more than ever. Id harbored only resentment and bitterness, because this is all he was ever allowed to experience. He envied Fei, for being able to see, hear, and feel the happiness that humanity could bring and that envy has intensified ever since Fei met Elly.
Fei's body trembled. The feeling of displacement was growing stronger. The pressure of the battle, the hypnotic pattern of the flickering lights, Ramsus' taunts, and the trauma his body was experiencing were building up. He clutched his chest feeling his heart beat wildly. His vision was blurry, everything became a haze of indistinct images in perpetual motion. He feared that this would be the last time he saw the world as the man known as Fei.
"Ramsus! Stop it!" He pleaded with his enemy, but Ramsus continued his assault.
"Please...stop!" but Ramsus paid no heed to him.
"Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!"
By this time, he knew that Id's takeover was inevitable. Then, the confusion stopped. He saw one thing clearly, in his mind or perhaps in reality, he couldn't tell. It was Elly, the woman that he loved even before they met. In lifetimes half-remembered, in dreams partly forgotten. And he knew that he loved her. Because no matter the time, no matter the place, nothing would change, not even her name.
"Elly, I can't hold on anymore... forgive me."
But not through all the hurt and pain
It's time for me to respect
the ones you love
mean more than anything
So with sadness in my heart
I feel the best thing I could do
is end it all
and leave forever
Ramsus continued to batter the fallen Weltall as if he were possessed.
"Yes... I am powerful! Hahaha! more powerful than you could ever be demon!"
He wanted to tear out the gear's pilot from its cockpit and rip Fei's body to pieces with his bare hands. He made his gear stomp on Weltall in a blind rage. His eyes were wide with malice, the eyes of madness.
Suddenly, Weltall came alive and pushed his gear back with a knee strike. The force of the blow was so powerful that it left a permanent dent on the gear's hull.
Ramsus was startled.
"How could that gear still move, after receiving that much damage?"
Weltall rose up slowly and precisely. Its body was cracked and warped. Several wires stuck out from its armored plating. Electricity crackled and incessantly surged throughout its outer shell. It seemed to be damaged beyond repair, yet it was now walking with ease toward its adversary.
Ramsus positioned his gear in the mirror stance. The Weltall was in no condition to fight and if it attacked his gear while in the mirror stance, it would be crushed in the counter-attack along with its pilot.
Weltall stopped when it reached attacking range. The black gear took a step backwards and initiated a swift and graceful martial dance. Ramsus felt Weltall's fighting aura rising rapidly until it actually became visible enveloping the gear in a dark miasma of energy. The once latent potential energy of Weltall was now ignited in full force.
Fei's gear became a blur of movement so rapid that it left several after-images to mark its path. There was no way for Ramsus' mirror stance to defend against it. The clash of metal against metal could be heard for several miles as Weltall delivered one fatal blow after another on Ramsus' helpless gear. The miasma exploded from Weltall's fists and feet with each lethal strike.
The opposing gear was left standing on one leg with both its arms severed from its body. It all happened so quickly that Ramsus could only watch in awe at the grace and sheer raw power of Weltall.
"M..Monster! I'm not done with you yet!"
A purple haze snatched what was left of Ramsus gear away from the battlefield and into the skies.
"Miang! Let me go... That is an order! I can still fight!"
"Perhaps, but your gear cannot. It's best for us to retreat for now."
With the battle over, Weltall collapsed backward into the ground stirring up clouds of dust. It was smoking from the inside, its metal casing glowed red from overheating. The emergency systems opened the cockpit automatically to ensure the safety of the gear's pilot.
Elly, who saw the whole thing, dismounted quickly from Vierge. She rushed to where Weltall was and felt relieved when she saw Fei lying in the cockpit, exhausted but unharmed. She called out to him.
"Fei! Fei! Are you alright?"
Fei turned toward her, his head hung low. His hair partly covering his eyes. He smiled, there was something different about his smile. He jumped off Weltall and landed lightly on the ground next to Elly.
"I'm quite fine Elly. I'm sorry to have worried you."
Elly stepped back, surprised by his manner of speaking. It was robotic and deliberate, not like the hot-headed Fei she knew and loved.
He stepped closer
"What's wrong Elly?"
"Fei... you seem different..."
"Different you say?" He stepped forward again closing the gap between them. "Just how different am I Elly?...From that weakling!" He gave her a sharp slap to the side of her face. To Elly, it felt like someone knifing her in the back and twisting it just to let her feel the maximum amount of pain. The man that she loved was punishing her for no reason.
"Y..You're not Fei!"
"Hahaha!" He laughed menacingly, his face showing no trace of human emotion. "I was wondering when you'd notice."
Suddenly, Fei's body was transforming before her eyes. His muscles tensed and took on a pale corpse-like complexion. His clothes were encased in a flaming red miasma. His hair grew longer and turned a deep dark red, the color of blood.
"Id!" She screamed in terror.
whats done is done, it feels so bad
what once was happy now is sadI'll never love again
my world is ending
Elly pulled out her metal rod to defend herself against the being of bloodlust that Fei had become. She jumped back to give herself room to plan her strategy, but Id's speed was inhuman. He caught her by the throat before she could land and threw her violently into the ground. She struggled to get up and managed to stand again shakily. Id was coming at her again.
She reached for her gun in her side holster but hesitated at the last moment. No matter what he looked like, this man was still Fei. Id lunged at her, his hands curled into claws and ready to deliver the final deathblow.
Out of instinct, an ether field formed around Elly to protect her. It exploded on contact with Id, sending him tumbling violently backwards. He lay on the ground motionless. She approached him cautiously. She moved closer now, studying his face carefully. His skin was pale and didn't have eyebrows like a normal human being. Instead, he had two lumps of what seemed to be muscle tissue. His eyes were closed, his breathing slow and relaxed as if in sleep. His hair was flaming red, a manifestation of his deep-seated anger.
She caressed his face lovingly. The skin was soft and smooth like a newborn infant's, so unlike Fei's manly, rugged features. Yet, no matter how different this creature was, she loved it just the same. Because deep inside her heart, she knew that it was still Fei. The man she loved even before they met. In lifetimes half-remembered, in dreams partly forgotten, and that would never change, only his name.
Suddenly, Id's eyes flung wide open. They were filled with nothing but bitterness and hate. He snatched Elly's hand from his face and dug his teeth into it. Biting past the thin cloth glove that wrapped her delicate skin.
She winced in pain, but no sound of complaint escaped her ruby lips.
"Yes! That's right Id. Take your anger out on me... if it can help to ease your pain."
Then, slowly, the fiend loosened its grip on her hand. Its fangs were stained with her freshly extracted blood. He ran his deformed claw-like hands along the length of her long, soft, amber hair. She was crying. The tears flooded her eyes, trickling down her cheeks. He wiped them away gently, being careful not to scratch her petal-soft skin.
"Elly, It's ok. I'm here now. Thank you for bringing me back."
His voice was different now. It was slow and unsure, but most of all, it had tone and expression. It was once again human.
Blinking away her tears, Elly gazed at him. He was still in the hideous form of Id, except it didn't seem repulsive anymore. His eyes were no longer the evil crimson of malice and rage. They were darker now, a deep black shade that spoke of loneliness and confusion.
"Fei? Is it really you?" She asked to confirm that her lover was indeed in control of Id at this moment.
He didn't answer. Instead, he examined her hand, looking intently at the injury that he, no, that Id had inflicted on her. He shook his head in disbelief.
"Elly..." He finally managed to say. "Your gun... please...take it out."
But she refused to acknowledge his request, already knowing what he had in mind. So he reached for her holster. She didn't move. He pulled out the pistol, a murder weapon crafted out of the finest metals that only the elite of Solaris could ever hope to possess. Its exquisitely polished frame gleamed maddeningly under the bright fiery hue of the setting sun.
He held it before her, his hands cupped around the weapon as if he was offering a gift to his ladylove.
"Fei..." She protested.
"Elly, please take this and end my life with your own hands. I don't know how long I can remain here. I would rather die by your hands now than to live to see you murdered by Id."
She slapped him hard, hitting him squarely on the cheek.
"You stupid fool!" She yelled at him. Plucking the gun from his hands, she pulled the hammer back and took careful aim. The bullet would puncture his chest and head straight for his heart.
"How selfish can you be? Is this what you wanted me to do? How do you have the nerve to ask something like that of me? Don't you get it Fei? I gave up my life as an officer in Solaris, my family, everything that I was, just to be with you. You idiot! I love you!"
Fei was awestruck. At that moment, he realized the true meaning of his entire life. He existed only for her. He was born and reborn time and again just to be with her. And all that he lived for was to love her.
"I... I'm sorry Fei." She broke down in tears, but kept the gun aimed at him. "I can't bring myself to do it."
Elly's hands were trembling, her fingers straining to pull the trigger.
"It's all right Elly."
He held her chin up with his hand. He gazed deep into her liquid blue eyes and he knew that she loved him as he loved her. Their lips met, intertwined in a sweet embrace. They melted into each other's kiss, each one wishing that time would stand still to preserve this moment of passion forever.
Id was gaining ground again. Waves of distortion wracked through Fei's body. He pulled himself away from her. Elly was confused. Fei's expression softened and he smiled at her sweetly.
In a blur of movement, he clasped her wrists placing the gun to his heart.
"I love you...Elly."
And then he was gone. His lips were blue, his body cold, a gaping black hole, mingled with crimson defiled his manly chest, and Elly was alone. Because after all, he was not the demon of Elru known as Id. He was and has always been Fei. Just another man, a single shard, whose existence gave a glimmer hope, to the broken mirror of imperfection called humanity.
I wish that I could turn back time
cos now the guilt is all mine
can't live without the trust from the ones you love.
I know we can't forget the past
you cant forget love and pride
because of that it's killing me inside
It all returns to nothing, it all comes
tumbling down, tumbling down,
it all returns to nothing, I just keep
letting me down, letting me down,
letting me down,
in my heart of hearts,
I know that I could never love again
I've lost everything
that matters to me,
matter in this worldThe End