Notes: Cheesy title but it is a comedy type thing so I think it fits.
Disclaimer: Squaresoft own the characters, places etc. I own nothing.
"It should be us on that mission, don't tell me you don't agree?"
Squall shrugged. "So? Enjoy the time off and it'll be a quieter with them gone."
Quistis scoffed. "As if that's reason to choose people for a mission, why did Cid have to come back we had things under control." She perched on the edge of Squall's desk.
"It's his garden."
"I know but-"
"An Selphie's in charge of the mission."
"Exactly! Who the hell would put Selphie in charge of a mission?"
"Aren't you worried they'll embarrass garden? They aren't the people I would choose to deal with the sophisticated
rich folk of Dollet."
"Thought they were your friends."
"They are, of course I love Selphie!" She held a hand to her chest. "And Zell!"
"And-Well-" She fidgeted. "Seifer's -err- umm- you know."
"Yeah I know." The friend you'd rather not have.
"So you're not worried then?" She glanced at Squall.
She frowned. "Well if we get complaints don't say I didn't warn you."
"Wow!" Zell dropped his bag in the doorway of the hotel room. "Have you seen the size of this room!"
Selphie shot out of the adjoined door. "I know isn't it neat!"
Seifer threw his bag across the room and onto the bed with a thump.
Zell ran up. "Oh no you don't asshole!" He kicked the bag of the bed. "This is my room!"
Seifer stood on the other side of the bed. "Then where am I supposed to sleep?"
"In one of the other rooms."
Selphie popped her head back through the door. "Oh yeah I forgot to say the garden only paid for two rooms sooo..."
Zell stared in realization and horror. "Nooooo! Don't tell me I'm got to share with him!" He glanced back at Seifer.
She grinned. "Oops did I forget to mention that?"
"Selphie!" He hit her gently on the arm.
She frowned and kicked him on the ankle not so gently.
"Ow! What was that for!"
"You hit me!"
"Not that hard." He rubbed his leg not seeing Seifer sneak up on him and envelope him in a big bone crushing hug.
Causing his eyes to go wide.
"Aw Chickie we'll be roommates."
The little blonde stood stiffly in Seifer's arms. "Great." He muttered, wiggling out from under Seifer's arms.
"Selphie!" He went through the closed adjoining door, only to get a slap in the face.
"Barging into an innocent girl's bedroom."
"Ow! Will you stop hitting me!"
"Selphie!" He gripped her arms. "Selphie you have to swap rooms with Seifer! Please share with me! Please, please."
"Hmm..." She paused to think about it. "No."
"Get on your knees and beg me and maybe I'll change my mind." She suggested innocently.
He frowned, hesitating and glancing at the floor.
He dropped to his knees ignoring Seifer's laughter. "I can think of a few more things you can do while you're down there too Chickie."
Zell ignored him and put his hands together clasping his fingers. "Please, please please switch rooms with me Selphie!"
"Ummm-" She put a finger to her lips as she thought about it, eyes meeting Seifer's in amusement. "No."
"What!" Zell jumped to his feet. "But you said-"
"I said maybe but then I realized all the fun I'd be missing out on."
Seifer stepped up and grabbed Zell again dragging him back into their room.
"Besides it'll give you two some time alone."
"But I don't want to be alone with Seifer!"
"He wants to be alone with you."
"I don't care if he-" Zell had gripped onto the door frames like a limpet and Seifer was trying to peel him off it.
"Come on Chickie let's go be alone together." He pried Zell off the doorframe and carried him to the bed.
Selphie chuckled as Zell's protests echoed through the now closed door.
They were cute in a weird sort of way and Seifer wasn't fooling anyone with that macho crap she knew he cared for Zell.
Technically the mission didn't start till tomorrow with their meeting with the mayor. Basically the mission brief was to
clean up the city, monsters had started to terrorize the richer side of town. Cid had told them to be professional.
She scoffed. What did he expect? That they would act like children and get drunk? Of course they wouldn't do that...
She knocked on the door. "Guys! I'm going out!"
The door was flung open and Zell fell to his knees, gripping her around the waist. "Take me with you!"
Selphie took in the ruffled hair and clothes, seeing Seifer approach grinning.
"Seifer! Have you been traumatising our little Zellie?"
"Is that what you tell people Chickie? I'm hurt, really." He leered at the little blonde, causing Zell to scurry behind Selphie to hide.
The girl in the middle smirked, glancing behind her at Zell who stepped to her left only to have Seifer step the same way forcing him back behind her.
The taller man reached a hand out over Selphie's head to grab at Zell.
"Get off asshole!"
"Can't help it Chickie you're just too cute." He scrunched his face up at the word cute like he was referring to a kitten or a baby.
He made another grab and Zell bounced back.
"Come and play with me Chickie."
"Play with Selphie."
Seifer made a face.
"Hey!" Selphie said. "What was that look for!"
"No offence Selphie but I've never been much of a pussy kind of guy."
"Ugh." Zell grimaced. "You perverted ass!"
Seifer reached out with both arms grabbing a sleeve over Selphie's head.
Zell struggled. "Let go!"
Selphie threw her arms in the air. "Stop it both of you! Seifer let him go."
The tall blonde pouted.
"I mean it!"
Seifer let go reluctantly.
"Yeah Seifer." Zell said. "OW!" He rubbed his head.
"I said stop it!" He turned to Zell. "Stop teasing him! If you don't want him, don't play hard to get!"
Zell stared. "But Selphie-"
"If you're not interested just say so."
"I know you want me Chickie."
"Shut up Seifer! Selphie I don't flirt with-"
"Now I'm going out, maybe get some dinner and take a look around. Who's coming with me?"
"I am!" Zell volunteered instantly. "Anything to get away from Seifer."
"Actually…" The older man stretched. "A walk sounds good."
"Oh no, you're supposed to stay here!"
"But Chickie someone has to go to protect you."
"The only thing I need protection from is you!"
"Aw Chickie I'm hurt." He held a hand over his heart.
Selphie rolled her eyes. "Come on then boys."
Then walked down the quiet back road with Selphie purposely walking between the two guys.
"Let's find somewhere to eat… no hotdog stalls." She added quickly, glancing at Zell in time to see him jump.
The little blonde shot Seifer a suspicious look.
"Someone just pinched my ass."
"Well don't look at me."
"Well who the hell else was it then!"
"Maybe someone else likes your ass too Chickie, if so maybe I'd better mark my territory." He made a grab for the little blonde, Zell jumped out of the way.
"Firstly we're the only ones here and secondly I am not yours!"
"Yet." Seifer added with a smirk.
They looked up to see that Selphie had walked off without them.
"Hey wait up." Zell called, jogging to catch up and Seifer followed.
They found a nice casual little restaurant to eat in, dinner was… well… interesting.
They sat with Zell and Seifer opposite each other, Selphie next to the oldest blonde to give him a kick if needed.
Zell ordered his usual, teasing Seifer about his Chicken Salad.
"At least I live healthier then you and all the fat you pack away."
"I am not fat!"
"It's muscle!" Zell rolled up his shirt to show off his six pack
A posh looking lady at a neighbouring table gasped.
"What? It's not like he showed off his cock." Seifer said, causing more shocked looks.
"Seifer!" Selphie hissed.
He bit his lip, letting the room calm down again.
Zell stuck his tongue out at Seifer when the older man mouthed "Chickie" at him.
"Stop it!" Selphie said, playing the mother figure for once she had watched Quistis do it often enough.
They stared at each other, Zell glaring and Seifer grinning.
Pudding arrived, Seifer had chocolate ice cream and Selphie had strawberry ice cream, Zell had chocolate sponge with loads of chocolate sauce.
Seifer stole a fingerful of chocolate sauce.
"Hey!" Zell protested. "Hands off you've got your own!"
The older man grinned and licked the sauce from his finger slowly, sucking on it seductively.
Zell's eyes widened. "Ack!" He hid his face behind his menu, hiding the blush. "You pervert!"
Selphie giggled and shook her head.
Zell stood the menu up behind his plate to protect his food and to duck his head behind so as not to look at Seifer.
"Zell you look ridiculous." Selphie told him.
"He always looks ridiculous."
"Shut up Seifer! What the hell do you know!"
"Well I have known you since you were smaller… er." He smirked.
Zell leapt up from the table. "Right that's it! I'm not sitting here with him anymore!" He walked off. "And you're not sleeping with me either!" He called back, raising a few eyebrows.
Back at the hotel.
"Don't be mad Chickie, come on let me in!" The taller blonde was out in the hallway, hammering on the door to their room.
"Chickie!" He called
"Zell?" He asked, starting to think he wasn't in there.
Seifer grinned. "Let me in!"
Seifer sighed. "Fine, what do you want?"
"What do you want in exchange for letting me share the bed?"
There was a pause, clearly Zell had not expected that.
"Um… I don't know."
Seifer sighed. "It's fucking freezing out here so let me in then decide."
"No, you'll change your mind once you're in here!"
"I won't Seed's honour."
The door slowly opened and Zell stood there. "Thought about it?"
"And no money."
"What! Why not!"
"Cause I don't have much more than you do."
Zell frowned, releasing the door to let Seifer walk past him.
"And don't think you can get away with this, I'm still thinking."
"And I get this side!" Zell announced leaping onto the bed.
"Fine." Seifer disappeared into the bathroom.
Zell sighed in relief, quickly stripping off for bed, while Seifer wasn't in the room and getting under the covers. He faced the window so he only heard Seifer exit the bathroom and felt the bed dip under his weigh.
He shut his eyes, pretending to sleep.
Seifer leaned over him, looking at his face.
"What!" He opened his eyes and snapped his head up, making him bump noses with Seifer.
Their eyes widened and he blushed, Seifer sniggered.
"You know another condition to me letting you in was that you shut up, leave me alone and go to sleep!"
"But you haven't told me what you want yet."
Zell rolled onto his back, Seifer still hovering over him. "Oh yeah."
Seifer yawned. "Hurry up Chickie or I'll make the decision for you."
"You don't know what I want!"
"But I know what I want." He lowered his head to kiss the startled blonde.
"Seif-!" The older man's lips cut him off, it wasn't a forceful kiss like he had expected from Seifer, just a gentle experimental kiss.
He pulled back and looked at Zell.
The little blonde pouted. "That's all I get for letting you in my bed, one little kiss?"
Seifer smirked. "No, a blowjob."
The little blonde's eyes widened. "What! I-err-"
He watched Seifer descend with disbelieving eyes, his breath catching as the blonde touched him and he closed his eyes.
Selphie tapped her feet, banging on the door again. "Come on, we have to get going and I want breakfast!"
Zell opened the door with only a towel around his waist, dripping wet.
"I'm sorry I overslept!" He turned and hurried back into the bathroom, leaving Selphie to let herself in.
She walked up to the bed as Seifer wandered out of the bathroom half dressed. "Morning." He greeted
"Barely, it's more like lunch and I think Squall would be a little unhappy if we didn't actually kill any monsters."
"Yeah yeah yeah, it's Chickie's fault."
"My fault! You stole my towel!"
"I thought you looked pretty without it!"
Zell came out dressed struggling to pull his jumper over his head to reveal a blush.
"Let's go boys!" Selphie turned to leave. "Boys?"
"Seifer, get off my ass!"
"Maybe you should get one of these property of tattoos." Seifer had an arm around Zell's waist and the other on his ass, Zell had both hands on Seifer's chest to push him away.
"We have work to do, come on it'll work off some of that excess energy you have."
"I can think of another way to do that, a more fun way." He smirked.
"Seifer! Come on, put him down!"
Seifer followed Selphie, throwing Zell over one shoulder.
"Put me down! I can walk on my own!"
A rich lady in a fur coat covered her nose as a Marlboro slime covered Seifer walked past waving a dead purple lizard monster with 8 legs.
When he saw her he held it up for her to have a look.
"I've never seen one before either, think it's some sort of mutation."
He frowned as she ran away complaining about the smell.
"That's not very nice, you'd smell too if you were fighting the monster problem rather sitting on your ass!"
The tall blonde laughed. "God Chickie you look like hell!"
Zell was covered head to toe in Marlboro slime only his eyes and fingers were visible.
"What happened to Selphie?"
"She went to change, something about a parade later."
"Parade?" Seifer frowned. "I don't like those."
"Not an evil one… at least I don't think it is."
"Come on Chickie we need a shower."
"As in joint shower?"
Seifer grinned. "Of course, you know how important it is to conserve water."
Zell frowned. "Since when have you given a damn about that."
Seifer rolled his eyes. "Don't be so dim Chickie, now come shower with me so I can fuck that tight little ass of yours."
"Seifer!" Zell glanced around in case someone heard.
"Let's go Chickie!"
Selphie moved around the floats that were getting set up.
"What's this for?"
"It's a ritual parade, to please the gods." A guy informed her.
"Oh, can I help?"
"I don't know."
"Oh come on I'm good at this type of thing, please, I'll do anything."
He looked at her. "Anything?"
"Well there is one thing you could do…"
"Will you get off me in public!"
"Oh so you only like me touching you in private?"
Seifer gave him a hurt look.
"Don't look at me like that! Don't you think it's embarrassing if you have your hand down my pants in the high street!"
"There's the parade!"
"Don't change the subject."
Seifer put his hands on Zell's shoulders and turned him around to face the parade that was going past. "Don't you want to see the floats?"
Zell sighed, noticing that Seifer's hands never left his shoulders.
"Great, they're nice floats." He muttered.
"Does that mean when we get to garden you'll go back to ignoring me?"
"I don't ignore you, it's impossible to ignore you, you're always round. I-" He looked up at Seifer. "What are you looking at?"
The taller blonde was starring at a far float.
"Seifer?" Zell stood on his toes to try and see what his lover was looking at.
"Look at that."
The float came into Zell's vision. "What the hell is that!"
A figure was tied to a pole and guys were dancing around it with torches and the crowds were chanting for them to light the pole.
"Some sort of sacrifice?"
"Maybe but -err does that victim look a little familiar to you?"
"Selphie? What the- That's Selphie!"
"They can't kill Selphie, who's going to plan all the festivals if she dies?"
Seifer grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the float. "Come on!"
Squall looked down at the report then up at the three Seeds in front of him.
"So you ruined a traditional parade…"
"A sacrifice… they would have killed me Squall! Would you have let me die?"
He seemed to think about it for a moment. "At the moment I think… yes."
"There's an… interesting report of two blondes committing acts of a indecency." He read of the report. "In other words, fucking in the car park."
Zell looked sheepish. "It was Seifer's fault!"
"It was not, you got me drunk!"
"I got you drunk! You were the one who brought it!"
"Look on the bright side Squall."
"What bright side?"
"We're not welcome in Dollet no more so that's meaning less work." Seifer pointed out.
"And less money."
"Oh yeah, well… can't have everything." Seifer shrugged.
"You'll have to apologise to the mayor of Dollet."
Seifer scoffed. "Apologise? Fuck that."
"Apologise or go on a 3 month long trip to Trabia."
"But there's blizzards this time of year."
They glanced at each other. "Apology sounds good."
Notes: The first time I posted this fan fiction would not let me post with html and the only format that worked was txt and that's the one that wanted to take out all the punctuation. Have fixed it now and in reply to the reviewer if I had put sexual detail in no one would be able to read it because fan fiction would have kicked me off, that's why the scene change was a bit quick because I had to take out the sex as adult fanfiction is not working I had no where to post it where I would get reviews.