Once upon a time, there lived a noble king and his beautiful queen. For many years, the couple grieved because they had no heir to the throne. Then one day, tired of their relentless prayers, Kami-sama decided to grant them with a child just to get them to shut the hell up.
And so, a baby boy was born and he was named Juudai. He was such a cute little boy with the most startling brown eyes anyone has ever seen. Since Juudai was the first boy born into the royal bloodline, he was destined to become king.
Juudai was around 15-years-old when the king decided that he should find a bride and take over the throne. However, there was a lack of princesses and eligible bachorlettes in the kingdom in which he lived in. To solve this tiny setback, his parents suggested that he go visit Daichi Misawa, the local wizard for help.
And so, Juudai made his merry merry way to the wizard's house, passing by a small village as he did so. He occasionally stopped to help an elderly man with his chores or to defend a small child from a wild dog—because that's what heroes do. It was in Juudai's hero-ish blood to help the poor and needy and protect the innocent and all that other crap you find in fairytales.
After capturing a rather fat cat for a random alchemist guy who finished off all his sentences with a "nya!" and helping some navy-haired fellow named Ryou run away from a rather eccentric woman named Ran, our hero reached the wizard's house.
There, he met with the great wizard Misawa himself. Misawa was a patient man and he listened intently to the prince's situation. After Juudai was done explaining as to why he needed to find a wife or some captured princess from another kingdom, Misawa pondered.
He thought for a second, before uncovering from his robes, a shiny, silver metal box with a wire sticking our on the top.
"It's called the magical cellular phone," Misawa proclaimed and handed it to the prince.
Juudai was intrigued. Eagerly, he took the mysterious device from the wizard's hands, pressed a few buttons and held it up to his ear. Within a few seconds, a scratchy voice came from inside the earpiece.
"Hello and welcome to the Marufuji Fairy Network! For English, press one. Por Espanol, apreta dos. Pour Francais, accule trios—"
Juudai quirked an eyebrow and pressed the button labeled one.
"If you are a person who is about to get killed by a monster, press one. If you are a knight looking for a quest, press two—"
Juudai pressed the two.
"Quests for glory, press one. Quests for screwing over parents, press two. Quests for eligible bachelorette's, press three—"
He pressed three.
"Hey, what's up, dudes? This is blizzard prince Fubuki Tenjoin—whaddya mean you want to talk to the real king? Fine, fine…let's start over again. This is blizzard prince and soon-to-be king Fubuki Tenjoin from the kingdom far far away from here. How far? I have no idea—I failed geography, actually. Anyway, we're currently having a problem and one princess short who happen to be my beloved sister! I mean I understand that she's freaking hot and all but when non-human creatures start falling for her, that's just mad crazy, yo. Point of the matter is if you're interested in a quest of battling some ferocious dragon and NOT getting killed in the process (we can't reward a corpse, my bad) please contact me by all means. This offer lasts until September 25th. Blizzard prince over and out! 10 Join!"
Then the line went dead. Juudai removed the cellular phone from his ear and tossed it playfully up into the air. "What a strange device," he commented cheerfully. He flipped open the phone again and blinked at what he saw. "Wait, why is there a picture of the White Magician Pikeru in the background?"
Misawa snatched the magical cell phone out from his hands and pushed Juudai out the door.
"Be quiet and get out."
A few days later, Juudai strolled into the kingdom in which the job auction was held at the castle. When he told the guards about accepting the quest, he was immediately welcomed into the castle by the soon-to-be-king and all of his royal subjects. Alright, well something among those lines anyway. Juudai had to admit Fubuki was dressed rather awkwardly for a king in his Hawaiian t-shirt and sandals…and exactly why were all the ladies in the court in coconut bikinis and grass skirts?
Juudai was told about how cruel and evil this three-headed dragon that terrorized the kingdom was and how one day it had crossed the line by capturing their beloved Asuka and brought it back to its own lair. If he was able to slay the dragon and bring back the princess alive, he would be granted her hand in wedding.
"Because Asuka totally needs to get a fiancée. She's going through serious stages of PMS-ing being all cooped up in this castle," Fubuki stated seriously while clutching a ukulele in one hand. Juudai blinked.
"…what's a fiancée?"
Fubuki ignored that question. Instead, he enlightened Juudai with some more details on the quest. He explained that in order to get to the dragon's lair, Juudai would need a mystical flying furball to guide his way. Lastly, he reminded Juudai this dragon very, very DANGEROUS and that the kingdom was not liable for any life insurance incase he died fighting it.
Despite all these horrors being described in front of him, Juudai decided to accept the quest anyway. Strapping on his duel disk sword and saddling on his horse, our brown-eyed hero gallantly rode out of the kingdom.
Once he was out of the kingdom, Juudai looked around for this 'mystical flying furball' that might lead him to the dragon's lair. It was then he spotted a flying brown ball of mystical fur sprouting small angel wings. The furball caught sight of the man and took wing. It started fly away and Juudai spurred his horse after it, completely assured he had found the flying compass that the blizzard prince had mentioned.
By nightfall, the mystical flying furball who he lovingly nicknamed Hane Kuriboh had guided him directly into a clearing so he could thank it properly. Yes, dear audience, our beloved hero can speak furball—as well as Japanese, English, Greek, and a bit of Farcee as well. It was just one of his many hero-ish qualities that he possessed.
Anyway, Juudai was riding in the clearing when he suddenly noticed a big hollowed cavern coming into view that just screamed danger. He frowned and then looked down to his left. Stuck in the dirt was a wooden picket sign with the words, "DRAGON'S LAIR. BEWARE. IF YOU PASS THIS POINT, YOU ARE AN IDIOT" painted in messy white.
But of course, Juudai disregarded this warning and briskly rode towards the cave without an ounce of fear. He was happy—his quest was almost finished. As he drew closer, the armor-clad prince could vaguely make out a silhouette of a dragon.
Jagged spikes rose from the reverse side of its back, all the way from its heavy shoulders down to its massive tail. Dark-colored horns sprouted on the sides of his stomach and its feet (and mind you, there were four of them) were as thick as tree stumps with a myriad of scales lining his entire body. And worst of all the dragon had three heads, each neck longer than the next with a mouthful of gashing teeth protruding from its lips for each separate head.
To top it all of, the dragon was standing at least 150 feet from the ground and Juudai was just a tiny speck of red on the ground. It was a wonder he hadn't be stomped on yet.
Without warning, the dragon roared and reared back its three heads. Realizing that this dragon was about to attack, Juudai frantically waved his hands around in the air, trying to signal him to stop. "WAIIIITTTT!"
The dragon closed his three mouths and frowned. "What?" one of its heads sprouting a goatee asked curtly. Juudai stood in shock for a moment, wondering if most dragons were able to talk back to him or maybe this was just a special case.
"Just ignore him, Chousaku," another head replied to the first. "Let's destroy the punk here and now."
"Quiet, Shouji," the first countered. "It's only proper to grant him the chance to speak his last words."
"Idiots…" muttered the last head. All three heads stared down at the tiny dot known as Juudai. He got off his horse and stumbled forward.
"Well, I…umm…" he tried desperately to think a way out of this situation. "Alright. You have three heads…and I, uh, I only have one! That's not fair!"
The dragon snorted, jets of fire spurting from its nostrils. "We're the bad guy here so we don't really care about what's fair and not," boomed the head with the goatee while the other one nodded in agreement. The third one just snorted petulantly and looked away.
"But you having three heads set a bad example for everybody!" Juudai exclaimed.
The tri-headed dragon gave him a strange look so Juudai decided to elaborate on the topic.
"You know, in all heroic fairy tales, the dragon usually has only ONE head. I mean, think about Snow White, for example..." —Juudai scratched his hair— "…or was it Sleeping Beauty? Oh whatever, anyway, only one head per monster is allowed!"
The dragon blinked. "ALLOWED?" the second head bellowed loudly. "You telling us there's suddenly rules to how evil we can be? Chousaku, are you listening to this?"
Juudai nodded. "I also get to choose which head stays as well."
"…oh for the love of Swiss cheese…" the head named Chousaku shouted exasperatedly.
Juudai ignored him and pointed to the last head. "That one. It stays."
Two heads turned to the other one who had called them an idiot mere moment ago and glared at it with venomous stares.
"It's all up to you, Jun. We're counting on you," the head called Shouji growled warningly.
"You better not let down the Manjyome group again," the head called Chousaku threatened.
"Shut it, you two." Muttering a string of curses underneath its fiery breath, the hideous and gruesome dragon sunk back down to the ground. With a horrible groan, its other two heads shot back into its body and left it standing with one head.
To its surprise, rather than shouting a battle cry, Juudai waved cheerfully at him.
"…hello, good friend! My name is Yuuki Juudai. What's yours?"
It raised an eyebrow, a bit taken back by his unusual friendliness. Weren't heroes and dragons supposed to be enemies in fairytales? "The hell?" He eyed Juudai's grinning expression warily. "Oh, whatever…I'm Jun Manjyome. Can we start battling now?"
"-SAN DA! MANJYOME-SAN DA!"
Unintelligent noise of exasperation.
"Are you alright, Manjyome Thunder?"
"Ugh. Let's…just get this over with."
Juudai whipped out his duel disk sword from the scabbard and so the heroic battle between good and…not-so-good, uh, I mean—evil begun.
The next two minutes was a bunch of colorful blurs and fast movements as our young, courageous hero and the terrible, ugly monster fought for princess Asuka. Century-old boulders smashed into pieces, blood from both sides splattered onto the ground, and screams of, "You MEANIE!" and "Oww, that was my foot!" echoed throughout the mountainside.
Juudai was not enjoying this. He had stubbed his toe at least half a dozen times on the jagged rocks beneath him and nearly had his left arm eaten twice. His duel disk sword had grown dull due to all the hacking he had done and yet the dragon didn't look the least bit worn out.
He had only one more chance to slay the beast in front of him. It was now or never!
Juudai clutched his duel disk sword tightly as Manjyome reeled back his head and sent another inferno fire blast in his direction. Quickly sidestepping out of its way, he managed to dodge the deadly attack and counterattacked. Leaping swiftly onto a large, flat rock, Juudai stretched out his arm and cut a clean blow into the dragon's back.
With a mighty roar, Manjyome collapsed onto the rocky ground, painting the ground red with his blood. Juudai walked over and poked him with his toe. "Hey, are ok? I didn't mean to hurt you that badly…"
The black dragon winced. "Ow! Don't poke that spot! Ow! Ow! STOP!"
Before Juudai had a chance to move, the dragon flipped him over and flew into the air, flapping his wings so wildly that Juudai had to hold onto a tree to prevent himself from being blown over. Apparently, Manjyome wasn't anywhere close to being dead yet.
"I can't lose, dammit! DAMMIT!" the dragon shouted wretchedly to himself. Then, it grinned wickedly. "If I can't destroy you, then I'll have to destroy your kingdom instead!"
Juudai was about to pipe up that he wasn't actually born in the nameless kingdom but by the time he opened his mouth—Manjyome had long flown away in the direction of the castle.
Dumbfounded, Juudai stood there for a few moments before his stomach gurgled. Holy cow! It was already lunchtime and he hadn't eaten anything since last night. In the back of his mind, Juudai knew he should chase after Manjyome and save the kingdom, but suddenly, he felt the urge to do nothing but eat.
While our slightly side-tracked hero was eating his fill of fried shrimp, a glow of light emitted from behind him. There was pop and another glow of light and there stood a young, bespectacled fairy with soft blue hair and pair angelical wings attached to his back.
"Hello, Aniki! My name is Shou and I'm your fairy guardian angel!" the fairy chirped cheerfully. "And as your fairy guardian angel, I would like to kindly remind you that there's a HUGE-ASS DRAGON SET ON DESTROYING EVERYTHING IN ITS PATH HEADING TOWARDS THE KINGDOM…su!"
The brown-eyed prince nodded and took another bite out of his fried shrimp. "But I'm hungry."
Shou slapped his forehead. "Anikiii…there's more important things on hand than food right now!"
Another bite. "No there isn't."
Sighing heavily, Shou flew over to where Juudai was sitting and snatched the fried shrimp out of his hands and then kicked him in the butt.
"If you don't go save the kingdom I'm throwing this off the cliff!"
"Whoa, wait! No, don't! Not my fried shrimp!"
"THEN GO SAVE THE KINGDOM!"
He didn't need to be told twice. Quickly jumping on his horse, Juudai rode back to the kingdom, hoping in his heart it wasn't too late.
He meant the fried shrimp, of course.
As he rode towards the castle, Juudai saw Manjyome terrorizing the kingdom. You know—burning down houses, killing animals…yada yada. The point was, Manjyome was being an evil monster and therefore had to be stopped.
And so, after some fancy parry of words and a dramatic monologue about good and evil—Juudai and Manjyome began fighting again. They fought over the kingdom (or in Juudai's case, his precious fried shrimp), both forgetting about Asuka in the meanwhile seeing as they were currently focused on protecting and/or destroying the castle. Or both.
Half of an hour later they were both at the end of their ropes.
Juudai felt himself in the same awkward position and last time. So he gathered the remainder of his strength and took a final lunge at the dragon. Juudai shot out his arm and swung his powerful sword with all his might and managed to stick it through its stomach.
Manjyome stumbled back, obviously shocked. He looked severely wounded, but instead of moaning in pain or cursing the hero like other defeated monsters would, Manjyome merely coughed.
"Uh, yeah, listen, I'm going back to my lair now…"
"…where you'll bleed to death!" Juudai finished dramatically. Manjyome gave him an 'are-you-bullshitting-me' look.
"What do you think is, Beowulf?" he shouted indignantly and pointed to Juudai's duel disk which seemed so small and insignificant to its own enormous body. "You stuck a toothpick into my stomach; I think I'll survive…"
Juudai blinked. "But then you'll come back and attack the kingdom again!"
"Not bloody likely. This place has given me enough trouble for the past century," he muttered darkly. "I'm getting an exorcist to remove Chousaku and Shouji-niisan from my body. I'm becoming a vegetarian and there ain't a single thing those two bastards can do to stop me…"
Having those words said, the repulsive, revolting, repugnant, and very, very good-looking monster named Manjyome flew away into the sunset, never to return due to a sudden change in diet.
So it came to pass that the terrible dragon was killed…or something among those lines anyway. Juudai became hero seeing as had shown many hero-like qualities such as being an accomplished linguist and a lawyer. Asuka was eventually rescued from the grasp of the evil dragon. ("Oww…Manjyome-kun!") Because Juudai had fulfilled the quest, the two got married and he became the king of his kingdom. ("I still want to know what a fiancée is.") Blizzard prince Fubuki eventually became the king of his own kingdom despite still being a bachelor and not having a woman to call his own. ("Hey. Momoe and Junko donning coconut bikinis are good enough for me.")
The alchemist eventually died and his fat cat became an outstanding professor at Misawa's village, which pretty much showed how desperate education was needed. ("Nya!") Misawa himself continued to pore over his duel crush on his magical cellular phone until he met a lovely lady who announced her title as an amazoness. The two lived happily until it turned out she was actually an escaped tiger from India. ("Taniya…I'll remember you forever!")
The man named Ryou was harassed so much by Ran that Shou the fairy finally used his powers sinfully for once and levitated the fangirl over the edge of the same cliff he threatened to hurl Juudai's fried shrimp off of. ("I'll 'Ryou-sama' you!") It was later discovered Ryou was actually the other brother of the fairy god and seeing as both were technically immortal, they decided to set up a grocery store in the kingdom called "Wal-mart" and later made it a franchise across the nation in the centuries to come.
And they lived happily ever after.