Summary: I am not, she insisted carefully, tripping over the words a little, taking advice from a stripper. Oneshot.

Disclaimer: Um … Fall Out Boy totally owns me, not the other way around. And I definitely don't own Gilmore Girls. That would be super cool, but, alas, I lack ownership; just like I lack superpowers that allow me to summon Milo Ventimiglia and Jason Dohring whenever I feel the urge.

A/N: Oh, Lord. This idea popped into my head a couple of weeks ago and I found it to be so incredibly amusing. I just couldn't resist writing it. So, here we have it: the 'Sam has finally snapped and written Drunk!Rory' fic.

On another note: Walk Away Awards just recently opened, and Hider and I want all of you to head on over and start nominating your favorite Literati fics. The link can be found in my profile. Now on with the fic!


Your secret's out and the best part is it isn't even a good one

Silly string has a nasty smell. It really does; it's worse when you're completely covered in it, sprawled out across a couch that's equally covered with a half-empty bottle of champagne in one hand and a crumpled-up party hat in the other, the after-effects of your mother's bachelorette party only beginning to take their toll.

"Gross," she grumbled, swinging her party hat absently on her index finger. A grunt could be heard from the other side of the living room and she turned her head around in an attempt to glimpse where it had come from.

When she nearly dropped her champagne bottle she gave up and closed her eyes.

Her party hat flung off her finger and landed with a loud thump somewhere near the window, allowing her newly-freed fingers to start picking chunks of silly string off of her clothing and hair.

The couch sunk down a little on her right side and she gripped the bottle tighter when someone tried to pull it out of her hand. "Mine," she protested.

Her mother let out a little giggle and tugged on the bottle again.

"You're being cut off," Lorelai said firmly. The slight slur to her words only caused her to giggle again and she slumped down in front of the couch, leaning her head back against the cushion.

"You should've been cut off before you even started," Rory mumbled, opening her eyes and sitting up slowly. "We're out of cocktails because of you."

Lorelai nodded grimly, tracing patterns in the carpet. "Those were good cocktails."

"They were," Rory agreed, nodding emphatically. She grimaced a little when a ping pong ball ricocheted off the walls of her skull and leaned forward to set her bottle on the coffee table.

The figure on the floor burst into uncontrollable laughter when she did a face-plant in the carpet. After rolling over and glaring at the shaking figure of her mother, a smile cracked across her face and she joined in the merriment, kicking her legs joyfully.

"Hey," she said after a moment, furrowing her eyebrows together in thought. "What ever happened to Chip?"

Lorelai stopped laughing and blinked, frowning slightly. "Huh." After a moment, "Maybe Babette took him out," and she broke out in a whole new round of laughter. Rory giggled brightly, burying her face in her hands while the waves of drunken glee rolled over her.

When the toilet flushed they both stopped laughing and blinked at each other, turning slowly toward the sound of the door opening. When the object of their questioning stepped into the hall Rory giggled again and turned back toward her mother.

"Guess he escaped Babette's claws," she grinned and dodged the pillow Lorelai threw at her with little success. She hugged it to her chest and sat up, bumping her head on the coffee table in the process. She frowned and rubbed at the spot.

"Chip!" Lorelai called joyfully. "Join us! We're reveling in the aftereffects of too much to drink," she smiled brightly. Chip eyed them warily for a moment before shrugging and walking into the living room, plopping down on the couch.

Rory continued to rub her forehead. Lorelai started rambling about the wedding, enthusiastically agreeing with the suggestions the half-naked man on her couch was making. After a moment the youngest Gilmore groaned and lay back down, pulling her pillow over her face.

"Would you like a bag?" Lorelai asked when she looked down at her daughter. Rory mumbled something unintelligible behind the pillow and Lorelai shrugged, looking at Chip.

"She's being mopey," she explained in a loud whisper, pointing at the prone figure on her floor.

"I can hear you!" Rory protested loudly. Chip raised his eyebrows a little and lay back on the couch.

"Oh, come on, Ror, Chip here can probably give you some great dating advice!"

The pillow was pulled off of her face and she blinked up at the man standing over her.

"I am not," she insisted carefully, tripping over the words a little, "taking advice from a stripper."


He popped a piece of chocolate into his mouth and considered the story he'd just been told. "Sounds to me like this Logan guy was a jerk," he said easily.

Lorelai nodded and took another sip of the drink she had in her hand, waving the other toward the couch. Rory was sprawled out on her stomach, one arm hanging over the side of the couch while she explained the whole story to her mother (who had heard it, drunk and sober, time after time) and Chip.

"I thought he would change," Rory moaned, burying her face in the couch cushion and groping blindly for something to drink. Lorelai offered up the glass in her hand and she grasped it eagerly, tilting her head back and taking a huge gulp.

She grimaced when she put the cup back down.

"What is that!"

Lorelai shrugged and took her cup back, sipping gingerly. Rory stuck her tongue out in distaste before flopping back against the arm of the couch.

"You know who I miss?"

Chip looked up from the bowl of candy in his lap. Lorelai turned to look at her daughter, curiosity gleaming in her eyes.


The room grew silent and Chip continued popping candies into his mouth, oblivious. Lorelai knocked back the last bit of her mystery drink and sat up further, turning around fully until she was facing the couch completely.

Rory sighed softly and played with the strands of Mardi gras beads that were draped around her neck. "Stupid. But I do."

Lorelai groaned a little. "Haven't we had this conversation?"

Rory frowned and looked at her mother. "Have we? I don't remember." She giggled a little and looked at Chip. "Have we had this conversation, Chip?"

He shook his head.

"You're very …" she paused, opening and closing her mouth a few times. "Forgetful! You're forgetful when you're drunk," she wagged a finger at her mother and giggled. Lorelai rolled her eyes.

"I'm not … drunk," she yawned, shaking her head a little to wake herself up. "I'm just a little," she pinched her fingers together, "Out of sorts." She grinned. Rory laughed again and went back to the conversation at hand.

"I think I should talk to him tomorrow," she nodded decisively. Lorelai sighed again.

"Who's Jess?" Their attention turned to Chip and Lorelai lay down in preparation for another round of storytelling.


"So this Jess guy was the reason you went back to Yale?"

Rory nodded and popped another green olive in her mouth, scrunching her face up in distaste. She turned to look at her mother. "Why did we buy green olives?"

"Martinis," Lorelai waved her hand absently, burying her head in her arms. Rory nodded in acknowledgement and sighed.

"So … you dated in high school, he left, he came back again and told you he loved you, left, came back and asked you to run away with him, left, then came back again and knocked your sense of reason back into you?" Chip blinked in confusion. "Damn, that's complicated."

Rory nodded sadly, her head falling onto her knees as she cradled them to her chest.

"And you…"

"Managed to keep in touch after he left the last time, yes," Rory sighed. "He's so…" she blinked. "So…" she blinked again, and then whined in the general direction of her mother.

"Different?" Lorelai supplied. Rory grinned and snapped her fingers.

"Yes! Different! That's it," she giggled. Then she sighed and shook her head gently. "Of course he had to make me fall for him again ... or … continue falling for him … or something." Chip nodded a little and shrugged.

"I think you should talk to him."

Lorelai moaned and tipped over, burying her face in the carpet. Paul Anka made a whimpering noise from the stairs and Rory looked up at him in concern. He'd moved to the stairs after Rory had chased him out of the kitchen to get olives and hadn't changed positions since.

That had been at least an hour ago.

"Sleepy time for Lorelai," Lorelai mumbled, slapping Rory's head away when she tried to rest it on her stomach. Rory frowned mightily and crossed her arms in front of her chest.

Chip simply shrugged and turned back to polishing off the package of Smarties he had in his hand.


It was bright. Way too bright, she decided, sitting up with a groan and staring blearily at the door. Someone had been knocking for the past ten minutes; her head was throbbing enough on its own, thank you. She didn't need the assistance of a Stars Hollow native to make it worse.

"Go away!" she called, pressing the base of her palm to her forehead in attempt to stop the pounding.

Whoever it was, they were very persistent.

Rory groaned again and shot a glare at her sleeping mother and a drooling Chip before getting up and making her way toward the front door. When she opened it, the sunshine nearly blinded her. She took a moment to let her eyes adjust and smiled slightly when she recognized the figure on her doorstep.

"Jess," she greeted cheerfully, pushing a hand through her hair. Flakes of silly string fell to the floor and she laughed shakily, then cut herself off when it made her head hurt worse.

He smirked in amusement and held up a brown paper bag.

"Hangover kit," he explained at her confused expression. "Sprite, crackers, aspirin," he shrugged, handing the bag to her as he stepped into the house. She bit her bottom lip gently and smiled a little, closing the door with a loud bang.

An irritated moan could be heard from the living room and she smiled in spite of the pain it had caused her own head.


Lorelai gulped down the cup of coffee eagerly, swallowing back a couple of aspirin in the process. Rory sat on the couch nursing her own cup of coffee, wincing every now and then when her head would throb a little.

Jess came out of the kitchen with a fresh pot of coffee and Rory smiled at him gratefully. He nodded to her and sat down on the other end of the couch. Chip watched their interaction with interest, stopping only when Jess gave him a weird look.

"Stripper?" he asked, nodding in Chip's general direction. Rory nodded and smiled over the rim of her mug, giggling slightly.

"Any particular reason that he's still here?" Jess questioned.

She smiled again and glanced at her mother, who was rolling her eyes in resigned acceptance. "He was giving me advice."