Shattered by Darkened Roses
Spoilers: This takes place right after Ch. 28 and during Ch. 29 of HBP. I highly suggest refreshing your memory of these chapters before reading this fic. It will help immensely I'm sure.
A/N: Wow, it's been a long time since I've written anything for you guys huh? Well, here you go, although I highly doubt I'll be updating anything anytime soon so; I hope you enjoy this while you can. If you read this fic please comment on it if it's anonymous. I honestly don't care just read it. D If I get enough I might just put up a new fic. ;)
I hope you all don't mind the pairing, the pair has been multiplying plot bunnies in my mind since reading Spinners' End. Great chapter. Really.
Disclaimer: I do not own nor do I claim to own these characters. They are J.K's and I only take them when she's playing with other toys and bend them to my will. I will return them as soon as I'm done with them. So don't sue me!
It was like the knocking of four quick times on the door of unhappiness. Everything had happened so quickly that the thoughts were still reeling through his mind. A completely incalculable pain and heaviness now lingered in his chest and the thought of the whole wizarding world know hating him left darkness in his eyes.
I saw the emotions clearly as tears of torment when I opened the door. It was needless to say blissful torture when my pallid eyes met his. I knew though… and I knew it wouldn't last.
Even I was surprised as the words of tenderness parted my lips untouched by daily doses of makeup. They must've noticed it to because the silence afterwards hung in air looming with dangerous news. I ushered them in gravely, noting the wounds on Severus' back and rushed to his side. He however cut me off before I could do anything.
"Tend to the boy Cissa."
His voice was calm despite flesh wounds and deeper mutilations then those which were seen. Severus Snape was not an affectionate man despite the long, blurry images of days passed. He had the air of preciseness and triviality which was next to impossible to crack. Love was never a dream anymore, it was never a fairytale to which he could consort and envision himself to. One single moment was to blame for this and so was I.
Staring blankly into his eyes hurt more then I though it would. I'm sure it didn't hurt me as much as it did to him but the meeting was bittersweet leaving a metallic taste of bloodlust in my parched mouth. Shaking my head silently I turned to Draco.
"Go to the house elf chamber Draco. Get one of them to tend to you."
I silenced Draco as he whined and pointed him off down the marble corridor of the mansion. He left while protesting and soon Severus and myself were in the foyer, alone. I opened my lips to speak but nothing came from them. Striding towards him I pulled out my wand to tend to his gashes but once again he cut me off.
"Severus. You need medical care."
He glowered deeply at me and shook his head striding off letting his body heat leave the sphere of my coldness. "No Cissa."
I cursed inwardly to myself at the pet name.
"Don't call me Cissa."
A low chuckle emanated from his throat and he turned towards me in frustration.
"Why not? It doesn't seem to perturb you when he says it now then does it?"
Stepping back I looked at him with thought. The many years of pain had hardened and hollowed Severus and it was my entire fault. He huffed at my lack of words and turned his head away. I stepped forwards placing a hand on his arm lightly. He jerked away but I simply grabbed it again and pulled him into a nearby room and sat him down. He winced as he sat and I reeled around to his backside.
My fingers pulled away with meticulous bloodstain and I bit my lower lip.
"These wounds are deep."
"Not as much as others." His voice was low and hollow and all that was heard was the uncomfortable cracking of logs in flame. "I killed him Narcissa. I killed him because of you."
Pulling off his infamous attire he sharply inhaled at the gashes on his back.
"It was that stupid animal that olaf Hagrid insists on keeping. Bloody animal attacked me from behind… like a coward. I knew McNair should've done that bird in while he had the chance instead of lollygagging with Fudge."
I was surprised at the bitterness his voice held. Towards sides we both knew he was on. Towards the world. Towards me.
While in Hogwarts we had both had the perfect romance while in secret yes but nonetheless perfect. I'd liked Severus from the instant I'd met him and it only took him several months to warm up to me as close comrades. We did nothing with Lucius watching us like a hawk that first year but since Lucius was a seventh year Severus and I were free to roam Hogwarts and did as we pleased from that year out.
Yet an intricate brand had brought it all to a close. He had always known that I was predetermined to marry Lucius but he had always had some hope of deterring that fate. Once he'd found the wedding date his heart had shattered and he'd boldly joined the Dark Lord but once he'd realized his actions it was to late. I was gone and so he locked himself away, an illusion shattered by the test of destiny.
It was then that his body began to rock with motions of suppressed pain as dry sobs wracked his being. I finished up the bandaging as best I could and in a quick flash Severus was around my neck, weeping into my hair as we cradled each other. I stroked his hair thinking of myself selfishly as I took in his scent of tears, blood, and fire.
"Hush… it's alright." With the words we sat down and moved to the couch, me cradling his head in my arms as he continued sobbing.
"I killed him Cissa! I killed the one man who had fate in me… the one man who was willing to take me in not based on my heritage but on my actions and worth. I killed him… I killed my father."
I never would've made the vow had not Lucius beat me into doing it. To allow Severus to take his and Dumbledore's life for my own blood. I was certainly not past doing anything at that point in time; not past allowing myself to bludgeoned into a lifeless form. So it was begrudgingly that I had put on façade that of which the likes I had put on years before when I was younger with Severus.
Severus silenced yet still clang to my body.
I knew the question well and removed myself gently from him, placing him at arms length. The question still dared to beat me down in dreams and many times I had awoken sobbing beside Lucius as he slept soundlessly on.
"You know… As perfectly well as I do… the answer to that question."
Severus stared at me point blankly and I believe I turned away in frustration at his all knowing gaze. Standing he walked to the fireplace and stared into the flames as the licked over the wood. We both knew that the fire would eventually die and there was nothing we could do to stop it. It was then my turn to cry but I did it silently as tears rolled down my cheeks. Nothing of the happiness we had once shared would return and we knew that in moments of desperation only then would our hearts be brought back the reprieve and heal faintly scars of once were's and could have's.
"Severus! We're going to be late!"
The sounds of jovial laughter met her ears as she searched behind her for black hair and equally dark eyes. Quick breath left her lips as she was soon tackled to the ground in a blur of ebony and sapphire. She giggled before her lips were captured in a vehement kiss.
"Why the rush? McNair and Roddy will cover for us, they always do. Besides," Severus rolled over pulling Narcissa atop of him, "It's such a lovely day." It was then that his long fingers reached up and tickled her along the sides and Narcissa fell into a lump besides him curling up next to his form. She simply smiled up at him, trailing her fingers along his hairline and tucking a piece of the mass behind his ear. He looked over to her and smiled.
"We're going to Hogsmeade this weekend right? I can't wait to refill my vials… I've been running low on Dried Billywig stings…"
Narcissa smirked and rolled over laughing. Severus turned to her in confusion.
"My boyfriend… the dork."
Severus looked at her, a quirk in the corner of his lips. Quickly he stood and pulled Narcissa up with him. Pulling her closely he kissed her and then they headed off towards the castle.
"C'mon I have something to show you…"
Narcissa smiled, merriment showing in her cerulean depths as they crept through the hallways hoping to not be caught in their escapade by a prefect. Their shoes clicked on the dusty floor of the dungeons before Severus turned around and placed his finger against his lips. Pulling out his wand he muttered a few incantations and a tapestry was replaced by a door. They entered the darkened room before Severus lit torches showing a simplified classroom unused in years. Narcissa stepped forwards and looked around before turning around to say something. Her lips were captured in a kiss as she was backed into a desk her stockings inching down a bit.
"Severus, I never knew you could be so persuasive." She smiled and traced her fingers along his lips seductively.
"I like to call it convincing." He smirked his eyes filled with lust while they looked at the all to familiar calm blue eyes he saw daily.
It was then that he closed the distance between them, pushing his tongue into Narcissa's mouth. His hands made their way along the younger female's sides until one found long hair to bury itself in, and the other rested on a tantalizing hip bone, pulling it closer. Severus felt delicate hands searching the skin under his shirt and couldn't stop a moan as one discovered a highly sensitive nipple.
The next thing he knew he had flipped her and she was being pinned to the desk while forceful lips collided with his slightly swollen ones. She suppressed a groan of protest as those lips left hers, only to find them replaced on her neck moments later.
"Oh… oh god… Severus. Pl-please…" Her shirt was gone and skillful fingers were teasing her waistline. A warm, wet tongue licked at her heated flesh and a light brush against her chest caused her hips to jerk almost involuntarily. She vaguely registered that her skirt and stockings were now gone and that her legs were being spread. Soon he felt the sensation only Severus could give her, the one of being complete.
With every thrust Severus felt himself get closer to the edge. An adequate description for the sensations he was feeling would have been that he was seeing stars. Her nails were clutching onto the smooth skin of Severus' back and her breathing was labored. Soon however the end came and Severus collapsed with weakness as he was thrown over the edge.
Narcissa then sat up, her legs dangling over the edge of the desk as she held her blouse to her sweat-drenched chest. It was at that moment that Severus thought she was perfect. Her form was perfectly illuminated by the dim torches and she looked like a pristine figure from many medieval tapestries that hung from the walls of Hogwarts.
"I love you Narcissa."
She looked over her shoulder as platinum locks fell from her shoulders and smiled.
"I love you too Severus."
When I look into her eyes now I see nothing and I think that's what hurts the most. There is no passion, no desire, no love, no caring, no anything. It is like watching a machine, a doll, a puppet. It's like Narcissa feels nothing for me anymore; she is just doing what she has to do.
Her voice was weak and I turned to her, seeing a lone tear roll down her cheek.
"I should go Narcissa… the boy and myself are on the run now and they'll be here soon. We were never here."
With that I turned around strolling to the door. I refused to think about any of this now, refused to cry and show weakness to the female that had broken my heart. No, I would think about it tomorrow, after I had my sense together and my thoughts collected.
My heart clenched as she stood abruptly, shouting her retorts. Deep down I knew that I still felt something for Narcissa, something strong. No amount of rejection or devastation could kill it, no matter how much I claimed it was gone. It wasn't love, but that was the only word I could use to describe it. This was a feeling embedded deep inside, a nearly animalistic craving for wholeness. Only Narcissa was able to give me what satiated my needs, but that Narcissa was abandoned on the eve of marriage. That Narcissa was just one of the many casualties of the raging war inside of myself.
Now, the new Narcissa, the puppet Narcissa, the once proud and beautiful woman, was but a servant, a minion for a manipulating mad man who wasn't fit to be tortured till death. But in the end, that's all the new Narcissa was, a shattered puppet. Every time my mark called to me I was forced to go face the ghost of my past, the phantom of my forever.
I knew that the memory of what that woman once was would haunt me until my dying day, and would bind me to that perfect body, making me treasure the vessel for what was once a glorious human being. If anything were to hurt what was rightly mine, I would kill them, and by all explanations the old Narcissa was mine, and the new Narcissa was in my body.
I knew I sounded idiotic at times, claiming the flesh of a woman that was married and had a child, a child that I found some semblance of comfort in. But this, like everything, failed to make me forget. I could not move on. The only thing I had ever loved abandoned me.
Narcissa was drugged, poisoned by the venom of the Lucius. It slowly filtered through her veins, corroding her heart and draining her emotions, until all that was left was a finely sculpted piece of marble: beautiful, lifeless, and cold.
"Severus! Don't you dare turn your back on me!"
Those words scorched me to the bone. I had never turned my back on her and I never would. She was still a part of me being and I knew it would last until the bitter end.
"Me? Turn my back on you! I have never left you Narcissa and I never will. How dare you tell me not to turn my back on you! I gave you everything… and you honestly think that Lucius loves you? You're a fool believing he does, you're a fool for believing he cares about you and your child while all he's doing right now is rotting is Azkaban. He treats you like dirt while I would've…"
I stopped, fuming as my fists were clenched to my sides as pieces of hair skewed my vision. The words that had been haunting me for years bounced from the vaulted ceilings and left a deadly silence in it's wake. I heaved and watched Narcissa's lips part to retort.
"I… I… he doesn-… it's not like… how would you even understand? You're the one who joined the Dark Lord! You're the one who left when you and I could've changed things. At least Lucius stayed and didn't cower like some dog in another's shadow."
I glowered and turned around breathing heavily at her words. She changed my life, she changed my dreams and our love was blind as was my heart. I kissed her, I held her, shared goals with her and shared a bed with her. I knew her smell by memory when just a faint linger of it remained amidst old clothing and possessions and yet she dared to say I cowered when she was betrothed. I can't live with her and yet I can't live without her in a beautiful ecstasy of agony.
"No Narcissa, if anyone is the coward here, it's you. You've been the one for me and you always will be. I still hold your hand in my dreams, I've knelt for you and I've given all that I humanly can yet all that remains is the lingering hollow feeling in my chest. I agreed and made the Unspeakable Vow with you ten months ago when I knew it would cause you some comfort and great agony for me and this is my payment. Goodbye Narcissa…"
Behind me I heard the gasp of a mangled cry as I reached the door and looking over my shoulder Narcissa dashed towards me tears streaming down her face. Quickly she flung her arms about my neck and placed her beautiful lips against mine. I felt the wetness of her pain against my cheeks and our scents mingled once again. We stayed like that for some time our thoughts ravaging a war of misery against each other before Narcissa pulled away wiping away tears away from her rosy cheeks with the back of her hand. She sniffed and smiled lightly. My brows furrowed and I brushed a piece of her hair behind her ear as she did to me so many years ago.
"I'm hollow Narcissa… and that hollowness only came after you'd left." She sniffed again and looked down ashamed to her chiffon nightgown.
"Take care of Draco for me… I know if anyone can do it, it's you. Take care of yourself too alright?" At this she stood on her tiptoes and kissed me on the corners of my lips as her fingers brushed against the side of my face in a fragile manner. Hardly able to take anymore I turned again to the door.
I still don't know what made me pause at that door to this day but I did looking back to the woman who had changed from the one I shared eager hands and hungry mouths, arched backs, tongues and lips, tasting, biting, hands caressing, voices moaning, begging, all in a blurry haze of feeling and lust with to the woman who I had come to hate, the one who had shattered my crystal heart scattering the shards to leave scars more then skin deep.
"I wish you well Narcissa," here I paused and looked into the sapphire eyes that now held compassion and feeling, "I love you."
I turned and left the Malfoy mansion with Draco trailing behind me, a child who was now mine to care for and take in as my own. Maybe I could raise him better then Lucius had but only time would tell. At the gates I looked back to the mansion and saw Narcissa's silhouette watching us leave. Maybe it was the firelight playing across her face or the moon trailing it's forsaken light across the window but at that moment I saw the innocent girl of who I had loved forever lip the words I had so longed to hear,
I love you too.
Shattered by Darkened Roses