Jolly Old Saint Nick

By Kay

Disclaimer: Own nothing.

Author's Notes: This is... pure CRACK. I'm so, so sorry.


"At least," Jalil said optimistically, "we don't have to worry about any other weird legends popping up like daisies."

"How much worse could it be?" Christopher demanded. "I mean, the Tooth Fairy, man. How is that even possible? I mean, gods and knights I can understand, it's all myth. But an old hag that steals baby teeth and leaves you gold behind? Seriously. What do you say to that?"

"I say we should pull out some teeth," April said.

"Better than Elvis or something," David interrupted sourly, watching the dwarves go by on their mine business and trying to look like he was a part of an important conversation. "Or Santa Claus."

A heavy-set dwarf paused in traveling and turned around, his face puzzled. "You mean the great Saint Nicolas?"

There was silence.

"No," Jalil said.

"Oh my god," Christopher said, and then, "Oh, fuck me."

April made a suspiciously high-pitched sound of astonishment. David just looked very, very pale all of a sudden.

"No, no, no—"

"You think he takes credit? 'Cause, I mean, I haven't been very good this year but—"

"Shut up, Christopher," David said weakly.

"Santa Claus," April made another suspiciously delighted sound.

"If you have something very heavy," Jalil informed the dwarf, "please give it to me so I can bludgeon myself with it. I don't think I want to live anymore."

"Hey, hey, does this mean presents? Or a flying, red-nosed reindeer? You know, I bet he could give Pegasus a run for his money. If we could set up a betting pool and track—"

"Shut up."

The dwarf carried on, shaking his head. Old Worlders were so strange sometimes.

The End