I don't really know where this came from, but whatever, I love the idea of Drunk!Mugen sexually harassing Fuu. The following descriptions of drunken acts do not stem from practical experience, of course. Right. Ahem.

Rated for language and sexual situations, mostly a lot of talk about breasts, because Mugen is a dirty boy. At least I didn't throw the f-bomb in there, which I'm actually very proud of, considering the circumstances. But if you really look at the show, Mugen never says the f-word. Not once. It only seems like it because he says everything else.

Disclaimer: Don't own Samurai Champloo, unfortunately. Because if I did, Jin and Mugen would be my bitches. Ah, well. Such is life.

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99 Bottles of Sake

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"Mugen!"

A sharp pain on the side of his head.

"Mugen, get up, idiot!"

A hard tug on his ear.

"Wha' d'you wan'?" he slurred. The nerves connecting his brain to his speech patterns were very tangled up.

She proceeded to yank him to his feet. By his ear.

The feel of his legs underneath him was a strange sensation. For a moment, he felt like he was floating, and then his ass hurt really bad. When did the ground get there?

"Owww! Bitch!" At least he could get out 'bitch' properly. His drunken brain congratulated him on this small victory.

"Mugen, you jackass! Did you spend all of the money!"

"Wha'? 'S tha' you, Fuuuu?" He added extra syllables to her name he didn't know existed before. Something still had him by the ear. It hurt, dammit.

"Yeah, it's me." She sounded more pissed off than he had ever heard her, though at this moment, he didn't particularly care. He was more interested in the thing attached to his ear. He swung out a few drunken arms, wondering where all the fingers had come from.

"C'mon, Mugen, we're leaving. And you're going to earn back all the money you spent tonight, you hear!"

He didn't listen to her, mainly because the coherent thoughts he put together in his mind were few and far between, and he had already wasted this minute's brain wave on how much his ear still hurt. He reached out a hand to brush at the side of his head and connected with an arm that he was almost positive wasn't his.

"Wha' th' hell?"

"Mugen!"

Suddenly, the thing on his ear was gone and abruptly replaced by the ground. There was that ground again. He really should introduce himself, considering the ground was his new best friend.

"I'm Mugen."

"Mugen! Get up!"

"Wha'? Fuu, 's tha' you?" When did Fuu get here? He should introduce her, too.

"Yes, Mugen." Fuu grabbed his hair, lifting his head up so he was level with her chest.

So she was here. Wait, she wasn't in the teahouse, was she? She shouldn't be, because there were a lot of drunk men in the teahouse right now. She could get… whachamacallit? Touched. No, that wasn't quite right. He concentrated for a second while a lot of words slid through his mind, but the one that seemed to pop up the most was: Tits.

Oh, yeah, they were right in front of him. Tits. Nice ones.

"Mugen! You're drunk!"

"Wha'?" He was? Let's see, he did have some sake, right? He tried to remember how many cups he'd had, something like… five… or twenty… something between that. Tits.

"C'mon, get up!"

He was back on his feet again, a warm arm wrapped around his waist. When did he grow another arm? It was pink. Fuu was pink, wasn't she? Why was the ground gone? He hadn't had the chance to introduce Fuu and her tits.

They walked, and swerved, down the street, Mugen's head lolling around and contemplating how he had gotten on a boat.

"Argh! Mugen! Walk!"

His arm was thrown over her shoulder, and Mugen silently applauded himself on picking up another chick. Wait, there was another hand on her shoulder. What the hell? He reached out to grab the asshole and felt a painful tug on his arm. So, the bastard was sneaking up on him, huh? Well, he'd show that fuc—

"Mugen! Stop it!"

And Fuu was gone. Where'd she go? He needed to find her. He needed tits. Unfortunately, all thoughts of Fuu were dashed from his mind after a sign post came out of nowhere, smacked into him, and ran in the other direction.

"Wha'! Asshole! C'mout an' fight!" He put up his fists, ready to kick that bastard's ass. Someone was giggling. "Fuu?"

"Mugen, you idiot." She didn't sound so mad. Were they gonna get down and dirty? He leered at the direction of the pink blob. He was definitely up for that. "C'mon, Mugen, let's go."

His arm was slung over her shoulder again, while her arm was wrapped around his waist under his jacket. Tits. His hand was so close. He stretched out his fingers towards her breast, completely fixated on that wonderful little mound of joy. It was so nice and round; he had to play with it. Oh, it was just as soft and squishy as it looked.

"Mugen!" Shit, the boob was gone. Where'd it go?

"Wha'? Fuu! Gimme tha' back!"

"I thought you didn't like my breasts, Mugen."

He shook his head briefly, and then stopped, totally disoriented by that one small motion. She stopped suddenly, further screwing with the last vestiges of his balance. He leaned against her, now fully cognizant of how small her waist was, how warm her skin was, and how he was going to get her undressed. What was she saying? Tits.

"I like you' tits, Fuu. Thur' nice."

She sighed and mumbled something under her breath.

"I mean it," he declared, sagging forward with the force of his conviction. "I saw 'em one time when ya didn' thin' I was there."

"What!"

"They were niceeee." He smiled happily at the memory. Fuu looked at him like she was shocked. At least, he would've noticed that she looked shocked if he was still able to distinguish between right and left.

"Really?"

"Ya really."

She squirmed contentedly. That woke Mugen up. Or, rather, something else woke up that was attached to Mugen. His first thought was appalling, even for him, and his second thought was: Wait, that's Fuu. The third thought in his head was even more unspeakable than the first, while his fourth thought was back to: That's Fuu, and the rest of his thoughts were all along the lines of: Tits.

Finally, the last wisp of sobriety in him screamed: You're so drunk.

"So, what else do you think about me?"

Of all the thoughts that had just flipped through his mind, Mugen couldn't find a single one in which all the nouns and verbs matched up. So, he went with the only light bulb still left glowing in his drunken haze.

He kissed Fuu. Or, rather, Fuu's tits. His aim wasn't very good.

And then his ears really hurt, because she had screamed louder than he had ever heard anyone scream. It was kinda like he imagined Jin would've screamed if he ever met a samurai prettier than him.

And so he was laughing, though he didn't quite know what he was laughing at, or why, or anything really. So, he stopped, trying to catch up with his body, which he had just noticed was rapidly losing altitude. But in his present state of inebriation, he didn't realize he had actually hit the ground until half a minute after the fact. Then, half a minute after that, he was in pain.

"Ow."

"Mugen! I—"

"Tha' hurt." He wasn't really listening to her; he was too intoxicated to carry on a conversation with anyone but himself. So that's what he did. "I want'd tits."

"I can't believe—!"

"Why's it so hot?"

"—you would—would—!"

"Let's get nekkid."

"Mugen!"

He started to take off his jacket, but the presence of armholes was screwing with his coordination. He had only managed to get it down to his elbows before the jacket woke up and attacked him, hopelessly entangling itself around his arms.

"Here, let me help." She reached out and slid his jacket off of his arms for him. He growled triumphantly and began to pull at his pants. Those needed to come off too, though he couldn't remember exactly why he needed to get undressed. Oh, yeah, it was hot.

"Mugen! Keep your pants on!" Where'd that voice come from? Fuu popped up in his vision. Must've been her. Tits.

"Why?" She was ruining the fun.

"Because!" She pressed a hand to his chest. Mugen liked where this was going. She pushed him on his back in the middle of a bed. When did they get inside? He didn't care. He was on a bed, with Fuu, in the perfect place for getting busy. He grinned and grabbed her wrist, pulling her on top of him.

"Mugen!"

Ah, there were the tits, right there in front of his face. Perfect. There was something he wanted to do, so he sat there for a minute, struggling to form the appropriate thought in his sake-logged brain.

"Mugen!"

Tits.

"Fuuuuuu, you' pretty." There, that usually worked.

"Really?"

He reached for the pink boobs and caught shoulders instead. Since when did boobs have shoulders? As long as it was a means to an end, he didn't care. If the tits got closer, the greater chance he had of touching them and not missing. So he pulled them closer.

"Mugen, stop that."

"Kith."

"What?"

"Kithus. Kispus. Kiss!" Third time's a charm. What about charms? Whose charms? Fuu had charms on her tanto. Fuu. Tits.

"Huh?"

He drew her closer and kissed her. Miraculously, against all odds, he managed to hit her lips. Mugen was disappointed. He had wanted the tits.

And then there was darkness.

To this day, there is still much debate over who had done it: Fuu or the alcohol.

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Well, I hope y'all enjoyed that. I certainly had an interesting time writing it. (With no help from my drunken roommate.) Please review and let me know your favorite line/part/whatever! Thanks for reading!

Peace out,

BB