Ike N' Soren

A thrilling tale of romance! Of angst! Of love overcoming all obstacles! Horrific stupidity being one of them.

Once upon a time, there was a kid named Soren and a kid named Ike. Ike and Soren were bestest friends.

Soren was a very pretty mage with two ponytails, inky black hair and red eyes. He was terribly mean and angsty, and he was always dressed in black like the sad, sad, friendless person he was. Nobody liked him except Ike.

Ike, a retard who was trying to live up to his father's name (and was so far doing a horrible job of it),was a blue-haired lad who dressed himself in crappy rags. But Ike thought himself the hottest, studliest, and most brilliant shit on earth. And despite having an intelligence quotient which barely rivalled that of a lettuce head, he did happen to be an incredible warrior. And he beat up any bad people who made fun of his dear friend Soren.

Now, Soren actually was really smart. He could do wind magic and blew enemies all over the place with his magical powers. Together, Ike and Soren ran around and killed many people with joyous impunity. They whittled away their time together, basking in the glow of each other's very jolly and platonic friendship.

But alas, Soren held a dark secret, and he began to fear that it would soon come to spoil the beautiful relationship that was blossoming between himself and Ike.

One day, he started crying because nobody loved him, since he was such a bitch all the time. He ran into his tent to wallow in despair and self-pity. "Nobody loves me! I'm gross and Branded! I didn't have parents! I hate my life! Everything sucks!" he sobbed dramatically.

Ike burst into the tent, his face full of concern. "OH NOES SOREN IS CRYING!" he yelled, flailing his arms in alarm. "Why, Soren? Why? I'm here for you- I'm your best friend! Tell me what the hell is wrong! Why are you crying?"

Soren daintily lifted up the hem of his...skirt...thing...and blew his nose with it. "I'm crying because... Because I have no friends!"

Ikelet out a gasp, flinging his hands against his heart as if this wounded him to the very depths of his soul. "Nuh-uhh!" he contradicted Soren. "I'm your friend!"

Soren cried some more, determined to enjoy his agony, and shook his head in defiance. "When you find out my secret, you won't be my friend anymore," he averred.

"That's not true, Soren! I could never hate you..." The tent swelled with romantic orchestra music as Ike gazed deeply, meaningfully, into the emo mage's watery red eyes. "I…I…I love you, Soren!" he declared.

Soren gasped, and the aforesaid watery red eyes filled with hope. "Ike... Do you mean it? Do you really, really love me? Even though I'm a nasty, filthy Branded?"

Ike wondered oblviously, "What's Branded?"

"OH, IKE!" Soren threw himself into Ike's arms, caught up in the throes of passion. "I LOVE YOU TOO!"

So then they got married and were very randy together, whereupon Soren became pregnant many times over. And then Ike and Soren had ten million kids who all grew up to be great mercenaries just like their loving parents.

And everyone lived happily ever after, except for you poor bastards who had the misfortune of reading this crap.

A/N: Basically I was bored, tired, PMSing, and had just read about the 1000th Soren x Ike fic that was a carbon copy of all the other 999 Soren x Ike fics I've seen. And so, in a matter of minutes, I pulled this out of my ass.

The moral of the story is, if you MUST write an Ike-Soren story, please. Don't write shit like this. At least make it good. The end. Review, flame, whatever; I really don't care. Hugs and kisses, everyone.

(Editted!)