Disclaimer: Ah, Edo,
if I owned you by now you would always be in those blue boxers
and drenched. Oh, and taller. Don't hit me.
in which edo proves he can be sexy
Alphonse Elric started to hum.
He hummed louder.
And longer, and inched closer to the door. He was already halfway out of it when a short, golden-haired boy barged in (rather rudely too, Al thought), nearly breaking the door as he waved a paper about, which was clenched in his automail arm.
"What is this?" Edward Elric hissed.
"Er," said Al intelligently. "Nii-san, you shouldn't run into other people's rooms like that…what if they're busy?"
"And what would you be? Naked?"
Al sweat-dropped. "That was uncalled for, Nii-san."
"Al," Edward growled. "What did you do?"
He didn't look as though he was going to drop the paper anytime soon (or not kill his brother either) so Alphonse sighed, and explained.
"He signed you up for a beauty contest?" Havoc stared at Edward, who was now flushing irritably. "Alphonse Elric, your brother, signed you up for a beauty contest?"
Fury was dying of laughter in a secluded corner of the room.
"I need to get out of it," Edward said, ignoring both of them. "But it's a—weird contest. I either need the person who signed me up to get me out, or a direct order from the government."
"Why don't you just skip it?" Riza Hawkeye was generally uninterested in the whole thing. She knew Edo wasn't going to go through with it. It just wasn't possible; Fullmetal in a beauty contest?
"Because," Edo said, grinding his teeth together. "Contest rules also say this is going to be governed by the government. The Fuhrer is the head judge, and he's got others in the military helping him out."
Havoc's mouth hung open, before he collapsed into laughter. "So you're going to ask Roy-taisa to get you out?"
Fury promptly died in his little corner.
"EDWARD ELRIC, FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST."
Alex Louis Armstrong burst through the door, flexing his muscles in an (un)attractive way (depends on how you look at a rippling mass of flesh grinning at you). "I, as the second judge in the Central City Beauty Pageant, have decided to teach you in the ways of aesthetic beauty!"
Edo decided to die with Fury, and tried to crawl over to the corner before Armstrong grabbed him and tucked the alchemist under his arm. "With me as your teacher, Edo, you shall prosper!"
"Wait a second," Hawkeye said, intervening. "As a judge, aren't you not allowed to help him?"
"Oh." Armstrong put Edward down, and then picked him up again. "But that is okay! I will use my excessive beauty to find you a suitable teacher!"
Edward, now roused out of his dazed state, starting to struggle. "No way am I gonna be a part of a beauty pageant! Let me see Taisa! He'd better get me out of this!"
"Get you out of what? Not my bed, I hope"
Since Fury was dead, Havoc was laughing, Armstrong was already imagining how he was going to 'help' Edo out, and nobody seemed to be noticing the taisa's little insinuation, Hawkeye decided to explain to the newly arrived Roy Mustang.
"Fullmetal has been entered into the beauty pageant by his brother, and he wants you to give the order to take him out."
Roy looked slightly amused. "Now why would I do that? I was the one who gave his brother the okay to put him in…"
"I've got it!" Armstrong flexed a muscle. "With my incredibly beautiful thinking skills that send out my carefully designed brainwaves, I have decided who it is that will help Edward out in his whole rise to super stardom!"
Roy gave an amused smirk, and Riza lifted an even more amused eyebrow. It, too, was smirking.
Meanwhile, Havoc died as well.
Winry Rockbell let the phone dangle loosely in her hand for a moment before she slammed it down and marched out of the room.
"Auntie!" she called. Pinako appeared from the general vicinity of the kitchen, wiping her hands.
"That rock-headed guy who Edo and Al came with last time." Winry still seemed dazed. "Ano, I'm going to Central City for a few days."
"Really?" Pinako said. "Did those two break their metal again? Maybe we should tie them down, next time, eh?"
"Actually, Edo's going to be in a beauty contest."
"That," Roy said, the next day, "is a lot of deaths."
Hawkeye was polishing her gun; they were in the Taisa's office. "What do you mean by that?"
The Fire Alchemist smiled as he leaned back in his chair. "Not deaths exactly, but Winry Rockbell is going to be here in a half-hour, and she says that we need to pay her now since the elderly woman taking care of her collapsed at the news."
Riza looked concerned. "Is she okay?"
"Same condition as Havoc and Fury."
Oh. So she was laughing her ass off, nonstop. That made sense.
"Don't you think this is going too far?" Riza shook her head as Roy feigned indifference. "Come off it, Taisa. The whole department knows you're doing this to see Edo get all prettied up. If this had been a woman's contest you would make him wear a dress."
There was a long silence. Just as Riza felt satisfied that she had gotten through to the man, he swiveled around in his chair, nervously twirling his pen.
"Hai?" Here it was. The confession of the century. Hawkeye itched for a tape recorder at that moment.
"How long do you think, it would take to convince Edo that I really…really…"
"Really what, Taisa?" Riza leaned forward unconsciously.
"…really want to see him in a dress?"
"Bless you," Al said over the hum of a hairdryer.
Edo glared at him. "Shut up."
Fullmetal would have escaped ages ago, if it were not for the fact that Armstrong was standing by the door, watching Edo get the beginning of his makeover with teary eyes.
"Ano, was that Mustang-taisa?" Al was craning his head to look outside, but the officer was gone. There was a short spurt of gunfire, and then Riza Hawkeye shot by, gun being cocked already.
There was a long silence in the salon, before Edo leaned back, a huge smile on his face.
"Well. That makes me feel better."
"Ano, Edo?" Winry asked sweetly, later on that night.
"What?" he drawled.
"MOVE YOURSELF BEFORE I MAKE YOU!" Winry gave him one good knock with her wrench, and as Edo slipped to the ground, Al shook his head.
"Winry, he's got enough on his mind as it is, don't give him a concussion as well."
"Eh, Shorty won't feel it in the morning."
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE COULD GET LOST IN A SHAG CARPET!"
Al slipped out of the room, quietly. It was days like these that he wished that his brother didn't have a temper.
There was a reverberating crash, and a moment later Falman rounded the corner. "What was that?" he panted. "We heard it all the way from downstairs!"
"Oh. Gomen ne, Winry is giving Nii-san the last part of his makeover. The contest starts in a few minutes, you know."
Falman found himself intrigued. "What part of the makeover is she doing?"
Al looked slightly uncomfortable as he mumbled an answer and watched the man's eyes widen.
"You can do that?"
"Apparently so," Al said unhappily. "That's what the screaming was before, and now he doesn't want to move."
"But—but that's a man's pride and joy!" Falman pounded his chest, eyes watery. "I can't even begin to imagine—"
"But it's true."
Falman shook his head.
"I cannot believe they waxed Edo's back Did he even have hair?"
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL YOU CAN'T EVEN TELL IF HE'S BALD OR NOT!"
At seven o' clock that night, the parade grounds were filled with people from all over Central. The Fuhrer, Armstrong, and a few other minor officers were sitting up at a table that had been erected at the very end.
But our little (sorry, sorry, sorry, Edo) alchemist was sitting stiffly in a chair, underneath the parade grounds, refusing to move as the other contestants milled about. The contest had already started, and several people had already left and returned.
"Eh, Edo, don't be upset!" Winry grinned at him. Her mood had taken a 360-degree turn when she had heard that all the stylists for the contestants would be given a cash prize as well. "You're a shoo-in to win for this contest!"
Edward didn't move.
"And look, Auntie Pinako, Havoc and Fury recovered long enough to come around! Glacier-san and Elysia-chan are coming as well!"
Edward was as cool as a block of ice.
"Ano…Roy-taisa said that you couldn't be sexy if you tried."
Which, apparently, melted quite quickly.
"WHO DID HE SAY WAS SO SMALL THAT NO ONE COULD EVEN TELL IF HE WAS ATTRACTIVE OR NOT!"
"Nice save, Winry-chan," Al whispered. "It looks like Nii-san will be able to have some motivation for this contest after all. And look who's coming…"
Roy walked into the hall, looking a little dazed as he saw all the half-dressed women before he straightened up quickly and walked over to Edward, who was glaring fiercely at him.
"So, Fullmetal, you're not going to run away? A little short on time, aren't we!"
Mustang was silenced quite suddenly, as Edward was staring at him, and they were suddenly nose-to-nose. The colonel congratulated himself on not having ravished Edward yet.
"I can be sexy, got that, bastard Taisa?" Edo growled.
"Excuse me?" Edward seemed to be at a loss, and he shrank back, looking confused as he mumbled to himself. "Is he possessed?"
"Well," Roy said conversationally, "there is a ghost under my desk that Riza said she was going to exorcise for me but she never got around to it. Wanna help out? All you have to do is sit on your hands and knees and help me out with a few things."
Al frowned (you couldn't see it, of course) and turned to ask Winry what the colonel met, but noticed something odd about her.
"Ano, Winry-chan? Are you drooling?"
A moment later Al was unconscious, and Winry was pocketing her wrench. "No one," she said, grinning madly, "and I mean no one interrupts my imaginings of hot guy-on-guy happenings."
"What was that, Winry?" Edo and Roy were both staring at her and Al, who was now twitching in a way that everyone who was now standing and staring was very sure that bodiless souls in suits of armor were not supposed to do.
"Nothing, nothing!" Winry held up her hands innocently and gave a loud, high-pitched laugh. "I'm certainly not trying to knock Al out because he guessed about my secret fantasies of you two—which, by the way would be totally sick because can you imagine the guy who killed my parents and my childhood friend –but that would be okay, right, because I mean later on we find out Roy-taisa got all angsty about it and didn't want to anyway and besides, look at it this way this is my way of accepting the fact that I will only ever be a sister-figure in Edo's life, and as long as he doesn't take off that cape that all the contestant's have to wear before the come out which the author conveniently forgot to mention than Edo and Roy-taisa won't do something I will watch with orgasmic pleasure but feel only slightly guilty about afterwards but only if I don't get photos!"
Winry let out another nervous giggle before she realized she had one leg on top of Al and had punched out the hand holding the wrench, as though she was conquering something. Edo was gone, and everyone in the room was staring at her.
"Where did Edo go?" she said, looking around randomly. "I didn't scare him away with my ranting, did I?"
"No, it's his turn to compete," Roy assured her. "However, Winry-chan, I think I need to talk to you."
The blonde blushed, but then Roy leaned closer and whispered in her ear, "If you're such an expert on this, I may need your help."
Winry could feel her eyes glazing over. "And someday I'll get an award for Most Valuable Homohugger, correct?"
"Ano, yes…" Roy said, looking just the slightest bit uncomfortable.
"And I get pictures?"
"Hey, now, Winry-chan, that's going a bit too far—I mean of course, you get pictures and video as well!"
Winry put down her wrench.
When Edo had transmuted the stone to push him upwards and to the surface, onto the parade grounds, he had still been trying to make sense of Winry's rant, but he soon forgot that as the roar of the crowds assaulted his ears.
"NEXT UP, EDWARD ELRIC, FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST!"
Edo grimaced as he heard Armstrong's voice, and even more so when he saw the row of military personnel sitting in the front row, including Roy Mustang and Winry, who must have just walked up. Al was sitting next to them, looking slightly out of focus, but that was probably just because his head was on backwards.
"DON'T BE SHY, EDWARD ELRIC!"
Edo blinked, and then realized he had just been staring. He couldn't believe he had to endure this…
A sudden grin overtook his face. If he had to do this, then he was going to have some fun with it as well. Edward threw off the cape, and the audience drew in a collective breath.
He was wearing his normal leather pants, only Winry had tightened them so that he was lucky he could still walk, and he was allowed his boots. But the shirt he had on was not his normal tank top—rather, it was what had to be the flowiest shirt on earth, because it was a white, puffed sleeve one that had a V-neck that ran all the way down to the top of his pants.
His hair, Winry had finger-combed to give a 'just-been shagged' look, which she insisted was popular thanks to this weird book, about this gardener that didn't shave or something(1).
Edo clapped his hands together, and thrust them onto the ground. The audience automatically moved back as a giant hand plunged from below, carrying Edo up into the sky, before falling down so quickly that he was left falling for a second.
Roy Mustang was on his feet, ready to vault over and catch the alchemist if need be, but Edo seemed to have other ideas. The hand had been joined by another one that no one had noticed rushing to meet it, and Edo hit that one with his outstretched palms. The hands sank into the ground, and another stone figure rose up to meet him.
It was an elegant woman, whose features could clearly be seen etched into the hematite. She extended her hand and Edo took it, kissing it gallantly.
Back in the audience, Havoc smirked at Roy. "Why the long face, Taisa? Wishing that you were the one Edo-kun was kissing right now?"
"Sir!" Hawkeye said, a glimmer of amusement shining through, despite the fact that she would normally never tease her captain. "Do you want me to shoot the offending statue, sir?"
Roy suddenly looked very gratified, but then Winry took Riza's gun and shook her head. "Now, now, Taisa, that is not the way to go about things. You have to go to Edo in a jealous stupor later on and confront him! WITH A CAMERA!"
Havoc's cigarette was hanging from his slack-jawed mouth. "You, too, worship the world of fanboy/girl yaoi? Are you a part of the official guild?"
"Yes! I'm the president!" Winry showed him the badge she never took off, not even in the shower, and just as she exclaimed this fact and everyone became even more disturbed by her (except for Fury, who just wanted to know how that was possible), she jumped Havoc and began to ravish him.
"I suppose," Roy said slowly, "That I am one Love Advisor down?"
Riza retrieved her gun and shook her head as she looked at the parade grounds. "Looks like you have an even bigger reason to be worried, Taisa."
By now, Edo had transmuted so many statues that they covered him totally. The only thing that could be seen was the shock of gold that disappeared every so often, and even then it was a rare appearance.
Roy narrowed his eyes. Was it just him, or did that one statue that always seemed to appear next to Edo look just like—
Riza was startled as her superior stood, and left the crowd abruptly. She made as if to follow but then promptly tripped over the writhing forms of Havoc and Winry.
"Hey," Winry said, blinking blearily at her. "Do you know if he took his camera?"
There was a wild cheer as all the statues either bowed or curtsied, and then sank onto the ground. Edo was left with the same statue as before, and apparently, a new outfit. He was now dressed in his normal clothes, which he must have transmuted during one of his moments where the audience couldn't see him.
The woman statue bowed, and then sank into the ground. Edo flashed a grin at the earth, and then at the audience, before transmuting a passage down into the contestant hall once more.
The elder Elric brother was just sitting down inside of the Military headquarters, away from the crowds, when a sudden voice shocked him.
Edo looked up, and gave a weary smile as Roy sat down next to him. "Baka taisa, what're you doing here?"
Roy seemed to ignore the question. "When you were doing the weird dance thing, I noticed that there was this one statue that kept appearing. Fullmetal…it looked like me."
"Feh," Edo said, but he didn't look at the colonel.
"Of course, I could have been wrong. I had to make sure you weren't being crushed with all the stone and you were so small you kept disappearing…"
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT THEY COULD DROWN IN AN ATOM?"
Roy laughed. "Certainly not you, Fullmetal. Just wanted to light that short fuse of yours, since you can't seem to do anything but scream at me."
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT ANY ATTEMPT TO GET HIM TO ADMIT THAT HE LIKES HIS BASTARD COLONEL WOULD GO RIGHT OVER HIS HEAD, NO MATTER HOW OBVIOUS?"
Since when had his mouth become (pleasantly) attached to the taisa's?
The next day, a very giggly Winry was leaning out of the train-window, and smiling as she waved goodbye to her newfound boyfriend, Havoc (who had dissolved into a pile of unhappy goo).
"Sayonara, Edo, Al! Thanks for the money!"
Of course, she had blown it all on tools and auto-mail but that didn't have to be mentioned, right? At least she had fixed Al's head before she left…and, of course, broken into the military's headquarters and stolen the footage from last night's taping.
"Thanks for helping!" Edo called out. Around his neck was the plated gold necklace that proclaimed him the winner (of course he won; did you think he wouldn't?) and the two hundred thousand cens he had won were back in his dorm room.
As the train pulled out, Winry seemed to remember something. "Catch, Edo-kun!" she cried, and threw a scroll at the alchemist, who caught it. He didn't get a chance to look at it, though, because he had to help everyone else siphon up Havoc before anyone stepped on him.
Even when he sat in Roy's office later (or rather, in Roy's lap) content and without a worry in the world, he didn't open it until he…felt it…
"Wow, you must be excited to see me," Edward said smugly. Roy shifted.
"Well, yeah, but not that fast. There's something in your pocket, shorty."
Scowling, but only muttering under his breath about the comment, Edo reached into his pocket and got the scroll out. "Winry gave this to me, before she left."
Roy took it from him and ripped the seal off, scanning it quickly. A smirk alighted on his face as he handed it back to Edward,
"What is it?" Edo asked, but then stopped as he started to rant. "WHAT! A NATIONAL BEAUTY CONTEST!"
"I think you should enter," Roy said, grinning madly. "But this time, in a small, tight-fitting dress."
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THEY WOULD FIT IN A DOLL'S CLOTHING!"
Roy looked surprised. "Did you completely miss the tight-fitting and dress part?"
Fuming, Edo opened his mouth to yell some more, but instead found himself with a mouthful of Roy. When they finally separated, Edo looked just like Havoc had earlier on that day.
"I think," Roy said, "I like you better not when you're Fullmetal, but Fully puddled."
"That was a terrible joke."
Another kiss, longer and more drawn-out this time.
"Was it still?"
Both of the males stilled, and then Roy snapped his fingers. A single, shrill scream sounded across the office as from behind the desk, a pale white figure hurtled out the window, on fire.
"SEE!" Roy, composure momentarily forgotten, stood up and pointed at the window, voice shaking. "I TOLD RIZA THERE WAS A GHOST UNDER MY DESK!"
"Actually," Edo said, peering out of the window, "I think that was Havoc. Probably Winry set him up to it."
But Roy was not to be corrected. He ran out of the room, heading in the general direction of Hawkeye's house, screaming, "YOU OWE ME THREE HUNDRED CENS, RIZA!"
Edo stared a moment before he turned back to the window, leaned over, and yelled down at Havoc, "YOU'D BETTER MOVE NOW BEFORE I SMASH YOU TO HELL AND BACK BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO GET SOME BEFORE YOU GOT HERE!"
Down below, Havoc decided that he was probably better off when Roy was still stealing all of his girlfriends.
Eh...I wrote this a few days back and decided to post it. Is it good? If I got everything right, than I wanna post an epic in this universe. Mebbeh it will work out.