Carcinya (Isolde on
Author E-mail: carcinya(at)aol(dot)com
Keywords: Naruto Iruka Kakashi
Spoilers: Possible up to episode 145
Disclaimer: This story is based on situations and characters created and owned by Masashi Kishimoto, various publishers including but not limited to TV Tokyo. The plot is mine. No money is being made and no copyright infringement intended.
Now, now, people. If Naruto was mine, do you really think I'd be sitting at my computer, sipping bad coffee, and writing bad fanfiction? Honestly.
Author's notes: I apologize in advance for any spelling or grammar mistake there might be in this story. I am French, and still only learning the beautiful language that is English. Any comments are welcome, but obviously flames will be used to roast marshmallows. Or flamers.
I have no idea where I'm headed with this, which is completely unlike me. wide grin
Unbetaed and completely weird. You've been warned.
Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
-- Milton Friedman
Kakashi's first impression of Umino Iruka was one of profound indifference.
In the mission room at dusk, muddied and bone-weary from a particularly narrow escape, he handed in his tattered report to a brown-haired, nondescript man in Chuunin uniform. A remote part of his brain -- last surviving neurons, actually -- informed him the man was Naruto's Academy instructor, but he would have been hard-pressed to remember his name. Something to do with "sea", and "pigs"?
Kakashi's second impression of Umino Iruka was one of polite disinterest, with a dash of unaccountable pity.
Rumor had it Junichiro-sensei was dating a cute, young, naive Chuunin. Anko said his name was Umino Iruka. By that time, Kakashi had recovered most of his -- usually impressive -- cognitive abilities, and was thus able to put a face on that particular moniker. The Jounin did not usually pay much heed to gossip-mongering; and he certainly did not partake in this idle past-time. This time, however, he could not help but feel a twinge of interest. Junichiro's personality was well-known to him, and he had a hard time envisioning what Iruka saw in him. It was a pity, Kakashi thought. He supposed Iruka could be considered attractive, if one was interested in the cute, shy types.
Which Kakashi wasn't.
Hatake Kakashi had the distinctly annoying habit of always being right. It was one of the reassuring constant of their world. Gai was always green, Naruto was always boisterous, Kakashi was always right.
So when he learned through the grapevine that Junichiro had been steadily cheating on his "little wife" -- as he had nicknamed Iruka behind his back --, Kakashi was not surprised in the least. Only for once, he found himself silently wishing he had been wrong. Iruka was said to be a nice person to be around, after all, if you went for the polite, homey types.
Which Kakashi didn't, but that was beside the point.§
Kakashi's third impression of Umino Iruka was one of amused awe.
He had never been overly fond of Junichiro, not since a three-man mission gone wrong ten years ago, when the man had left their wounded comrade on the battlefield to save his own life. That definitely set him on Kakashi's personal evolution ladder as lower than worms. Not many people had ever reached that level, so Kakashi supposed Junichiro should have been proud or something. But no, it seemed he hated Kakashi as much as the Jounin despised the sight of him -- though Kakashi strongly suspected Junichiro's animosity to be more than a little mixed with outright fear.
It was safe to say Iruka's "lover" was not well-liked among the Jounin. Devilishly good-looking, he was vain and enamored of his own beauty; but also uncommonly witty and clever. He had good conversation, even Kakashi had to admit, but his endless selfishness made him look a bit silly at times, as his self-professed devotion to the village clashed rather strongly with his obvious egotism.
So when said special Jounin walked in the mission room one fine morning of April with his hair a bright shade of pink, and a look of shock written all over his handsome face, many shinobi did not bother to contain their hilarity. Some laughed outright; others, more discreet, snickered behind their hands -- especially when his hair turned to a delicate purplish streaked with bright electric orange.
As for him, Kakashi watched Umino from behind Icha-Icha in growing amusement. The Chuunin was ordering his already neatly stacked folders. He did not so much as glance at his lover.
Junichiro rushed at Iruka, slamming his fists on the desk and rattling artfully arranged pencils.
"Did you do this?" he demanded in strangled voice. "Did you?"
The younger man looked up from the report he had been verifying.
"If you require anything, Jounin-sama," he said, the picture of politeness and humility, "May I suggest you take a place in the queue? Otherwise I am afraid I cannot help you."
"Iruka!" Junichiro hissed in obvious annoyance.
Said Chuunin blinked wide, innocent eyes.
"The rules are the rules," he announced piously.
With a sigh of intense frustration, his hair now a startling shade of crimson, the man took his place at the end of the queue. The picture of a Special Jounin cowed by a mere Academy Chuunin brought a smile to Kakashi's masked lips. After fifteen ninjas had taken their time to hand in their reports, and chatted with Iruka about the nice weather they were having, and spread the latest gossip, and reviewed the various onsen and inns they had stayed at on the way back, and...
It was finally Junichiro's turn. He found himself facing Iruka once again.
"So," he began. Then a dismayed pause. "What ... what are you doing?"
The Chuunin flashed him a sweet smile.
"My shift ended two minutes ago," he said, scratching his nose cutely. "I am terribly sorry. Please wait for my colleague to take over, I am sure he will be able to help you with your ... problem."
Junichiro's hair turned white, then went back to deep red. He was obviously furious.
"Enough of this already, Iruka!" he growled.
From the look in his dark eyes, the Chuunin was not playing anymore.
"Trust me," he said, remarkably calm, "I've had enough of you too."
His suddenly frosty tone seemed to catch his lover's attention.
"I've had enough of you," Iruka repeated, loudly so anyone could hear. Around them, the room fell suddenly silent. "Find yourself another idiot to mess with."
"You can't mean that." Junichiro's voice was incredulous. "You need me."
"No," Iruka murmured, "It's the other way around."
The Jounin saw red. He raised his arm to strike, then caught Iruka's gaze and froze.
"Lay a hand on me again and I will kill you."
That was no empty threat. That was a promise.
Junichiro took a hasty step back, his arm falling limply at his side. The silence in the mission room was deafening. Iruka made for the door, quietly. If having so much attention fixated on him made him uncomfortable, he did not show it. His hand rested on the door handle for a long moment, then he turned back to his lover -- well, ex-lover, Kakashi supposed.
"Oh yeah," he murmured, "I almost forgot."
His hands formed a rapid succession of seals.
"Tanshuku No Jutsu!"
Kakashi raised a curious eyebrow. The Jutsu of Size Reduction? He was pretty certain he had never heard of it before.
The situation proved all the more interesting when Junichiro yelped in pain and fell to his knees, clutching his groin in trembling hands. Every male in the room turned green. Even Kakashi paled a little.
Asuma eventually dared to ask the question that tortured them all.
"Iruka-san," he said cautiously, "What did you shrink?"
The Chuunin smiled angelically
"His underwear," he replied smoothly. "Next time I won't be so kind."
Asuma gulped and glanced down at Junichiro twitching on the ground.
"Have a nice day, everyone, Junichiro-san," Iruka offered, before bowing politely.
He left the room smirking, Kakashi's single eye boring holes in his back.
Should I continue? Or simply delete it?