This was inspired by Skippy the list writer. If you haven't read '213 Things Skippy Can't Do', go Google it. As my bio states, do not take potables with you to read the list. If you do take potables, do not come whining to me when you wreck your nose and keyboard simultaneously by snorting whatever you were consuming down it. I am not responsible for laughter-induced injuries.

I claim no ownership of Stargate and no responsibility for Skippy's list. SG-11 are my little poppets, so if you want to play with them, ask first.

Things SG Teams are No Longer Allowed to do Off World.

Colonel Jack O'Neill frowned as he saw the piece of paper tacked to the notice board. It had a single line of writing on it, which looked suspiciously like his adopted daughter's.

1. Do not tease the Jaffa.

That was it. No explanation. He did, however, suspect that it had something to do with her sprained wrist and De Lint's broken ankle, not to mention the whole team's smattering of tiny burns, the result of running from Jaffa hitting the scenery as they bolted for the gate. With a smirk, he continued back up to the surface, intent on enjoying his days off.


When he returned on Monday morning, the list had been added to in his 2IC's writing.

1a. Not even if Colonel O'Neill did. It's not big, it's not clever and Janet will get her revenge.

He was a little insulted. He didn't tease Jaffa. Did he? Damn if she wasn't right about Napoleon's revenge though, he decided.


From then on, it seemed like every time he passed the board, the list had been added to. The next one to show up was in the writing of the second in command of SG-9. Their sergeant was currently recovering from the bite of an off world rodent, which had turned out to have similar effects to the psychedelic drugs of the 1960s.

2. No, I may not keep it as a pet.

He had to agree with the list. Off world was a bad place to look for a pet. A trend seemed to have been set by Daniel's encounter with the cow-thing on Abydos.


The following morning, he discovered his team had been at it again. "Damnit, Daniel," he muttered wryly, reading the snarky scrawl.

3. If it looks like a public urinal, chances are it is one. The archaeologists and translators do not need detailed pictures of the wall art. If they need more detail, they will ask.

He knew exactly which team had been the cause of the one. Feretti and co had taken the time to show him the file they were planning to launch at the archaeologist. He was keeping a gleeful eye out for the revenge he knew would not be long in coming.


The next three rules had appeared in quick succession. He didn't recognise the writing of the first two, but the third was General Hammond's neat print.

4. Peanut butter is to stay in the commissary.

4a. As is the hazelnut spread.

4b. No condiments beyond ketchup in sachets are to be taken off world by order of General Hammond. I am not kidding, people.

He lifted an eyebrow, doing a fair impression of Teal'c. Why hadn't he thought of that one? But then, he supposed that given so many people on Earth were allergic to the wretched things, they couldn't be sure off-worlders didn't have the same allergies.


His next view of the list was almost a whole week later. The list had grown by a full five items, all of which, he conceded, made a certain degree of sense when applied to the SGC. The first one was Loran's handwriting. He considered it, then decided that it was probably a good idea.

5. The full, illustrated version of the Karma Sutra is not a suitable example of Earth art and culture.

Full version of the Karma Sutra on base? Hmm… The next one was Walter from the gate room.

6. The UAV is not a toy.

How many times had the man told new technicians that? He was right though. The things were expensive, and teams had to keep retrieving them, too. He glanced down. Another one from the archaeologists?

7. Please see the list of banned "cultural" items that are no longer allowed through the gate. This list is posted in the infirmary and commissary and will be kept up to date. Please keep checking back.

List? He'd have to go see if there really was one. He hoped so. It seemed that people were really getting into this list, so why not others?

The next item made him laugh out loud.

8. Today is not a good day to die, by order of the Joint Chiefs.

That could not be General Jumper's writing, could it? Oh dear. Yes, it probably was. And the one under it was SG-11 again.

9. Do not tease the mob of club wielding locals.

What had they done this time? No, wait, scratch that. He really didn't want to know.


He caught Daniel writing the next one.

10. Proselytising is forbidden.

He raised his eyebrows at the civilian, who shrugged and smirked sheepishly.

"Kinsey?" Jack asked.

"Kinsey," Daniel agreed.


He knew about the next one before it was written. He had been in the infirmary talking to an injured Sam and Daniel when SG-7 had hobbled in. Janet had asked what had happened, before curtly informing them that they would be starring on the list. And there they were.

11. In light of recent injuries, no member of an SG team is allowed to take "candy" off world unless they brought enough for everybody.

He had to laugh.


Ooops. The next one was from the pen of General Hammond. He seemed a little less than pleased, and Jack couldn't help but wonder who had caused it.

12. Do not take internal problems through the gate.

A definite no-no. Dirty laundry stayed private.


Hammond again, and caused by SG-6 this time. Their CO was a little annoyed with her 2IC at the moment.

13. Team members are not to be introduced by their radio call-signs. You know who you are, people.

The man was new to the SGC, but it was no excuse. Disliking serving under a woman was likely to cause more problems for him than anyone else though.


Four days later, after he got out of the infirmary, three new entries had appeared. SG-11 and Captain Brooks was first up.

14. No team member will step through the gate wearing any item of clothing with a visible brand name or allegedly amusing slogan.

Looked like he would be talking to a certain Marine Lieutenant about the rule about black t-shirts.

The next two were by the same writer, but in two different inks. It made him wonder exactly what had happened.

15. Items on the banned list will not be slipped into team-mates bags for commanding officers to find on random bag searches.

15a. Nor into the bags of other SG teams about to go off world. Not even if you bet against them on the Superbowl final and lost.

Betting on the Superbowl? That could only involve Feretti and co. He had answers.


The next one to appear prompted him to make his own addition. In response to:

16. Getting out safe is better than getting revenge. If you get out, you can bring back reinforcements.

He wrote:

17. No-one gets left behind.

With a satisfied nod, he went home for the night.


On his return the next morning, he found that his entry had been underlined by at least two different people. It made him smile all the way up to SG-1's embarkation to P3X-784.


On their return, it seemed that duct tape was being greatly abused. He was almost sorry that he had missed it.

18. Duct tape is not a cure all.

18a. It is conceded that duct tape may be used to cure certain mechanical problems.

18b. Duct tape may not be used to ensure that no civilian personnel are lost.

18c. Anyone requiring duct tape for legitimate purposes will be required to fill out a requisition form with the signatures of two senior officers.

That last one looked interesting. He counted as a senior officer, didn't he?

That led to another entry appearing mere hours later, in Sam's writing:

18d. Colonel O'Neill is no longer allowed to sign duct tape requisitions at the request of SG-1 and Major Feretti.

And a second one in Daniel's.

18d. A list of banned uses of duct tape is kept next to the list of forbidden items. This list is also kept up to date.


Jack blinked. Nope. It still read the same.

19. "It followed me home!" is no excuse.

He wasn't even going to speculate about that one.


The next one wasn't Brooks, surprisingly, but Major Edwards of SG-15, who had made the mistake of borrowing not only De Lint and Hamilton, but Spades too.

20. Marching cadences are not to be sung off-world unless said planet has been proven to be uninhabited in the region of the Stargate.

He smiled proudly; glad to see that paint peeling cadences were still en vogue. So, it seemed were other songs.

20a. No songs that have their origins in team sports or bars are permitted to be sung on off-world missions.

Now what would they teach the new recruits?


Feretti, it seemed, had got an over-eager new recruit.

21. "Why" is not a question your commander wants to hear.

That would cause a couple of problems at least. Specifically, two tall, blonde problems, who were both on his team.


Twenty minutes later, one of the aforementioned problems had already posted a rebuttal. At least, on behalf of the civilians on base.

21a. The civilian staff would like it noted that they are paid to ask "why". Also, "how?", "how many?", "you want it to do what?" and "do you speak insert language here ?"

He smirked and went in search of pie.


That's it for now, cos it's late and I'm going to bed now because some of us work for a living…. There may be more. There may not. If you have suggestions, please EMAIL them to me. DO NOT PUT THEM IN REVIEWS. That would be an interactive story, and they are verboten in these parts.

Proselytising is trying to convert people to a way of thinking, mainly religious or political.