Chapter 4

So far on the tour, Paul and Stuart had bad experiences at the factory, and something was up. What was the special prize? Some stupid "life-time supply" of chocolate? A huge party with shriners and clowns and a big-ass piñata? No one knew for sure.

"The next room on the tour is the testing room," said Billy, "where hundreds of candies are tested everyday for odor, taste, bacteria, and ability to sell.

"Of course, our previous taste-tester turned out that he couldn't taste anything, so hundreds of children were sent to hospitals one December mourn. So, does anyone know the history of chocolate?"

" Ah, yes," said Carter, who looked like whatever he would say would be a looooooooong and tedious speech. "The cocoa bean was discovered and used by the Aztec people back in the 15th century…"

Mike couldn't stand it any longer. He saw a piece of candy that said, "StickJaw," opened it, and shoved it in Carter's mouth. Carter started chewing it.

"Hey, I like it. It tastes like a strawberry daiquiraaaaaa!" His jaw started to snap shut. He tried to pry it open with his hands, but it wouldn't budge. "Mhmm mmm mm mhhm?" asked Carter.

"Nicoglutinousmonopexterate gum, or the more popular name, StickJaw. It's a stick of gum that shuts your jaw," said Billy.

"Mhmmm mhmm mm mhh mh mhmmmh?"

Billy took out his whistle and played a tune on it. Five midgets came out and formed a circle around Carter.

"♪ Grumpa lumpa gobblety guck, you won't survive if your jaw is stuck. Grumpa lumpa gobblety gay, gibberish is the only thing you can say.

"♪ It's a good time to talk when you're in a group, but it's a bad time when you're the only one speaking—"

"Hey, wait a minute," said the mayor. "That doesn't rhyme!"

"Shut up, killjoy, we're not finished yet," said one of the midgets.

"♪ We knew of a guy who just wouldn't stop, and one day, his jaw rusted and started squeaking.

"Grumpa lumpa gobblety gup, remember your manners and SHUT THE HELL UP!" Four of them took Carter away, and the fifth followed closely behind with a crowbar.

"We're dropping like flies…around Paul…when he hasn't showered in three days," said Mike.

"Moving on," said Billy. The only three that remained were Mike, Stacey and the mayor.

The next, and possibly last, room on the tour was the room where the chocolate was melted, molded, and shipped out. This week's invention: microwavable chcolate.

" Microwavable chocolate?" asked Mike.

"Yes! You see, this is a special kind of chocolate that when we freeze it, and you microwave it, it'll be warm, but it won't melt."

The mayor leaned over the ledge, where he saw a huge machine mix up some of the about-to-be frozen chocolate.

"So it actually freezes, huh?" asked the mayor. "Can I eat some?"

"No," said Billy. "You can't because we're still trying to work the bugs out of it, and—"

The mayor leaned over, but he fell in the huge mixing pot. Chocolate splattered everywhere.

"Hey, this is good chocolate!" said the mayor. He started drinking whatever surrounded him. All of a sudden, his feet started to freeze with ice.

"What the hell is that?" asked Mike with fear in his voice.

"Why are my legs turning into ice?" asked the mayor.

"I told you," said Billy, "we're working out the bugs! This is the same thing that happened to one of the lab mice!" He pointed to a lab mouse who was frozen in place, as if he were trying to escape.

The mayor was already chest-high covered in ice, and the ice kept going up.

"DO SOMETHING!" screamed Mike at Billy, but the mayor was shoulder-length in ice.

"Relax, Mike," said the mayor. "I'll be fi—" Before he could finish his sentence, he was fully covered in ice. Frozen solid.

Billy took out his whistle and played a tune. Six midgets came out from behind the bowl and broke out in song.

"♪ Grumpa lumpa gobblety grozen, if you eat this stuff, you'll be frozen. Grumpa lumpa gobblety grew it, we can't think up more words, so just screw it!"

"Hey!" yelled Billy. "I don't pay you to not sing! You just used up today's bathroom break!"

"Hard-ass," said one of the midgets to himself.

"I heard that!" said Billy. Five midgets took the mayor out of the pot and carried him out, while the sixth one took a big ol' lighter to the next room.

"Well, I guess that means—" Billy saw Mike and Stacey standing right there. "There are two winners. That can't be right."

"What the hell just happened?" asked Stacey in her whiney voice.

"Come to my office. I'll decide who the winner," said Billy. Mike and Stacey looked at each other as if another bad thing was going to happen.

"…unicorns are not real, and Jim Morrison is dead!" said Nikki, whose voice was tired form the long list of what's real, what's not real, and who's dead. "Now, do you understand why Stuart is trying to tease you?"

"Because he wants my money?" asked James.

"Exactly," said Nikki, who felt like she just accomplished something.

Janelle looked at the clock, which read 2:05 p.m. "Where's Mike? He said he'd be back soon.

When Mike and Stacey were standing outside Billy's office, with Billy screaming inside. They didn't know what the heck was going on.

"What do you think he's doing?" asked Stacey. "Do you think he's deciding the winner? Or upset because we both won?"

"Who knows, Stace," said Mike.

Inside Billy's office, Billy was playing a video game, screaming at a character because he was losing. He turned off the game and looked over security videos because he thought someone cheated.

After about 10 minutes, he figured it out.

"Michael! Stacey! Come in here," he said. Mike and Stacey came in.

"Finally! What's going on?" asked Mike.

"I know what you did…Michael," said Billy.

"What?" asked Mike in confusion. "I didn't do anything!"

"You cheated," said Billy. "I have this tape." He put the tape inside the VCR and it showed Carter talking about the history of the cocoa bean.

"The cocoa bean was discovered and used by the Aztec people back in the 15th century, and they didn't just used it for eating, they used it for—"

On the screen, Mike opened Carter's mouth and shoved the StickJaw gum in his mouth. Mike was flabbergasted. He didn't remember doing anything like that.

"T-t-that can't be! I was voted "Nicest Deputy Mayor of New York!" said Mike.

"Sad to say, it is. Oh, well. You lose," said Billy. "So, Stacey, I guess that means you win!" All of a sudden, these balloons drop and trumpets play in the background.

"C'mon, Stace," said Mike. "Let's go get everyone else."

"Wait, Mike," said Stacey. "So what's my prize? A year's supply of chocolate?"

"Nope," said Billy.

"A car?"




"Then, what?" asked Stacey, who was anxious to know what she won.

" A PITY DATE WITH ME!" shouted Billy with a huge grin on his face.

"Okay, Mike," said Stacey. "Run!" They both ran for their lives, but also trying to find everyone else. First, they found Paul, who just took a bath, but still had butterscotch on his clothes.

Next, they found Carter, who had lifts in his mouth to prevent his jaw from shutting.

Then, they found Stuart, who had to wear a metal cast around his wang so it wouldn't move.

Then, they found the mayor, who was in a giant microwave, trying to get the ice off. Everyone waited for the mayor to go back to normal, which took about five minutes. After the mayor could move again, everyone ran out as fast as they could, with Billy and some midget guards chasing them with guns.

"SHUT THE GATES!" screamed Billy as the City Hall members were nearing the entrance. The gates started to close, but it got stuck. Everyone got out, except Paul and Mike, because the gates shut all the way. Mike reacted fast by spotting a fence. It was too high to climb, and was electrified on the top. He then noticed a small hole underneath the fence that he could fit through.

"Paul! Over here!" said Mike running towards the hole. He dug through the dirt and got through as Billy and the guards came outside.

"My pants!" groaned Mike, as he ripped a hole in his pants on his butt, so you could see his underwear. He ran towards the car and leapt inside."C'mon, Paul!"

Paul started digging, but the guards were closing in fast. Paul tried to squeeze through the hole. He was gliding through, until his butt got stuck.

"I knew I shouldn't of had that extra butterscotch!" he groaned.

"C'mon, Paul!" said Stuart. "Squeeze your fat ass through the gate!"

"I'm stuck!" whined Paul.

Mike got out of the car and tried to pull Paul through. He realized that Paul's butt was tighter than the city's budget on policemen.

"Paul, think of, uh, Big Macs!"

Paul relaxed his butt and slid right out and landed on Mike. They both got into the car, and drove away just as the guards took their guns out and aimed at Paul.

"Let 'em go, boys," said Billy with a slur. "I have a feeling this won't be the last we'll see of those damn toilets!"

"He must have been drinking," said one of the guards. Billy fainted on the ground, and the midgets pulled Billy back inside the factory.

Half an hour later, everyone got back to City Hall, and they were exhausted. They all went to the lounge and they all collapsed on the floor. Nikki, Janelle, and James found them all together.

"How was the tour?" asked Janelle.

"I bet you guys had a lot of fun," said James.

Mike glared at James, who was a little scared at that point. James hid behind Nikki.

The next day, Mike was in his office, organizing papers. A knock was heard at the door.

"Come in," said Mike.

Nikki walked in and walked over towards Mike. "Hey."


" I bet you had it hard, didn't you?"

"Nawh. I guess it was kinda exciting. It wasn't all bad." He stood out from behind his desk. Nikki started laughing. Mike remembered he had a hole in his pants from earlier. He sat back down. "So, how was your day?"

"It was okay. I think we finally got to James."

"What do you mean?"

"Janelle and I made James a little less gullible. I hope. And just a little while ago, I met this new cute guy at the bar."

"What's his name?" asked Mike.

"His name's William, and I think he works with some sort of food." Nikki walked out the door as Mike watched, only to find Billy Germania waiting for Nikki, only this time, his hair was well-groomed, he wasn't wearing a stupid purple hat, and wasn't followed by midgets in weird costumes. Mike was speechless.

"I told you we'd meet again, Flaherty," he said, as he walked Nikki to the movies, leaving Mike alone and speechless.


Later that day, James walked up to Stuart.

"Stuart, I am getting sick of you telling me these lies all the time. So stop it!"

"I'm sorry," said Stuart. "But I guess now you don't want to know about the butterscotch monster."

"Yeah, right," said James in disbelief.

"What? You don't believe me? See for yourself." Stuart took out a picture of Paul covered in butterscotch and still in the tube, with his face stretched out.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHH!" screamed James as he ran for his life out the door.

"Heh heh heh," smirked Stuart. "Thanks, Paul!" Paul came out from behind the hallway.

"That'll be 10 bucks, Stuart," he said as Stuart took out his wallet.