Disclaimer: I don't own, you don't sue.

Finally got around to changing this.

This is part of a collab fic with Firehedgehog, who is a most amazingly skilled and talented author whom you should check out if you have the time.

Warnings: Randomness, humor, Slutty Reno, lots of yaoi-filled hints and crossdressing along with an exceeding lack of sanity. Read at your own risk.


To: Psychopath at Shinra . org
From: FlameTurk at Shinra .org
Subject: Hey Buddy!

Dearest Sephy-kins,

…Yes I do know you're going to brutally murder me and display my horribly mangled corpse from your office window when you finally get back. But hey, I might as well annoy the hell out of you while I'm still alive.

Which reminds me, have you killed Zack yet? If you haven't would you please consider letting me live long enough to maim and kill him. I just found out he was the one who painted my desk bright purple. I really don't mind the color as much as I mind the non-flammable-ness of the paint. Shiva freeze him.

Anyways hope this letter finds you more than slightly homicidal. I still can't remember where in the hell you are. I would ask how you are, but I really don't care. I'm only writing because I'm bored out of my mind.

Oh right. I set fire to Hojo's desk like you asked. And you will be pleased to know that not only did I get his notes, but his freaky little Squid too. Some idiot who wasn't aware that squid are flammable tried to use them to put out the fire. I think it might've been Rufus.

No Hojo's wandering around mourning his notes and his squid and generally looking pathetic while we all laugh at him and/or set his lab coat on fire. Guess which one I'm responsible for. And would you like to know what the best part is? I know you really don't care, but I don't care if you really don't care so I'll tell you. Nobody except for Tseng cause he's a paranoid little bugger, even suspects me, only you and Rhiana know for certain that I'm involved.

Rhiana says 'Hi' and she's wondering if you've seen Juno recently. She's gone missing again and she didn't take Det with her, which is odd. Rhiana said not to worry though, she'll turn up eventually.

Would you like to know what Rufus said to me the other day? No? Well too bad cause I'm going to tell you anyways. It was really, really odd.

I was sitting in my office, innocently burning my paperwork for the week in my trashcan when Rufus walks into my office. Which is really weird because Rufus never comes into my office willingly, something about being afraid that I'm eventually going to set him on fire. Anyways I stare at him; he stares at me. And the fire crackles cheerily.

"Reeennoooo…." He growls trying to be all threatening and moody, which doesn't scare me a bit because Rufus isn't scary. Now Rhiana, with her insanity and randomness is scary. Juno with her issues is scary. You are scary. Rufus is not scary. But what he asked next really was scary. "Do you know where Scarlet gets her dresses?" The sad thing is he was perfectly serious, but the really disturbing thing is he actually thought I knew where she shopped. Doesn't he know that Rhiana buys all my crossdressing accessories?

My maniacal laughter brought in Tseng who glared at me while Rufus tried to shut me up and by shut me up I mean he slammed my face into my desk which really hurt. Remind me to kick him down the stairs and make it look like an accident. I got in trouble for setting fire to my paperwork and Rufus wandered off. Damn pretty boy.

On a completely unrelated topic, someone shoved Reeve in a very slutty dress and locked him in a broom closet. I didn't do it, Zack isn't even here and Rhiana half-way likes Reeve because he's a stalker. I have absolutely no clue who it might've been.

Looking forward to laughing at your reply,