Disclaimer: I own nothing. I just do this for fun. If I did, well things would be so much different.
A/N: Here's my first and only author's note for this entire story. I'm slowly revising and editing so many parts will be cut out in chapters to come to make the story flow better and easier to read. Possibly a slight plot change while I'm at it but nothing too major. Thank you everyone for reading and reviewing and especially the anon encouragement. I didn't really like this story but I'm pleased people want to read this and I won't deny you that. Please feel free to point out any mistakes so I may fix them for I cannot stand typos and I know you guys don't like reading them. As a warning updates will be very slow due to busy schedules just so you know. Okay, go read now.
Chapter 1:Thinks and Zombie Barbies
"We're the kings of practical jokes, the masters of pranks, the lords of tomfoolery; we're the Mauraders for Merlin's sake!" Sirius exclaimed stalking around the fifth year dorm room agitatedly.
"And?" James asked lazily from his stretched out position on his bed playing with a golden snitch toy.
Sirius whirled around to glare at his friend. "We're supposed to be thinking up our latest prank and we haven't thought of a single one. Not even one!" He moodily caught the snitch out of the air James had been tossing and bounced it against the floor. "Someone's going to take our title if we're not careful." He flopped down on Remus' bed almost squashing Remus flat. Remus just gave him a quelling look before shifting over to make room.
"I highly doubt someone is plotting to take our 'titles,' Sirius," Remus murmured rolling up his parchment he'd been doodling on instead of his Charms homework. Oh well, it was a Saturday afternoon. There was plenty of time to do it tomorrow.
"That's what they want you to think," Sirius muttered darkly while fiddling with the gold colored toy. "Then when we're lured into a false sense of security- BAM!" He tossed the ball violently against the ground where it bounced and rolled under James' bed. "There's now a new group of Marauders parading around and being hailed as kings." Remus snorted and shook his head but didn't say anything.
"I've got a plan," Peter spoke up from his bed nestled amongst the pillows and reading comics.
"You mean something along the lines of glue and owl feathers?" James asked dryly, throwing the recovered ball up high where it promptly got stuck in the folds of the canopy curtains. James muttered darkly as he looked around for his wand near his bed.
"We could collect feathers in the owlery and charm them on people to make them look like giant chickens."
"Why?" came James' muffled voice from under the bed. Dust bunnies, broken quills, and a pair of boxers with tiny snitches printed on them appeared on the other side of the bed followed by a hand. It fumbled around for a moment grasping at objects before it closed around a broken candy cane from last Yule.
"Giant chickens are hilarious," Peter offered sucking at the end of a blood pop. "We could even make them squawk like one." He curled his hands under his arms and flapped around to demonstrate. "At least it was an idea. I don't see you lot spitting out any suggestions."
"That's because we wait until there's good idea before we blurt out any old answer," James replied crawling out from under his bed and walking over to his trunk. He flipped open the top and started pulling out clothes and other supplies stopping to examine a Witch Weekly magazine before resuming to look for his misplaced wand. Little did he know that is was tucked behind his ear which Remus pointed out to him promptly.
"What we need is a prank to end all pranks," Sirius said. He stared up at the ceiling with one hand under his chin and the other lazily twirling his hair. Remus had called it Sirius' thinking mode while James had commented snidely that it was Sirius' girly pose, one of many. "What haven't we done before that's absolutely brilliant?" He tapped his foot on the purple stained floor from an experiment last month. "I thought I had an idea yesterday when James came upstairs," Sirius muttered more to himself.
"Really?" James asked. "I'm surprised. I thought you had washed what little brains you had down the drain after the total freak out yesterday."
"Hey! I can't help it if I like my hair clean," Sirius defended.
"There's a difference between clean and clean to the point of obsession, Padfoot. It was a total girl fest yesterday." His voice took on a high falsetto quality as he attempted to mimic Sirius' voice. "'James is my hair clean?' 'James does my hair look anything less than perfect?' 'James am I becoming totally obsessed with my hair?'" His voice changed back to its normal tenor sound. "I swear mate, if I didn't know you any better I'd never-"
"That's it!" Sirius shouted springing up from the bed suddenly causing Remus to topple over. "That's it! That's what we should do!" Sirius shouted gleefully jumping up and down on Remus' bed making the boy fall off the edge. "It's perfect!" he crowed missing the look Remus threw at him as Remus dusted himself off. Sirius spun around narrowly avoiding hitting his head on the bedpost in his excitement. James stared at Sirius baffled as Peter screwed up his face in puzzlement.
"I don't get it. We're going to prank Snape into washing his hair? That doesn't seem very great." Sirius hopped off the bed leaving a frazzled Remus behind as he threw open his arms wide.
"No. As much as that greasy git needs a good washing this is a thousand times better. No, scratch that, a million." He laughed to himself. "This is the best prank yet and I can't believe you guys aren't as excited as me." He danced around in a circle, his black hair wildly whipping around his head.
Remus, the only person who seemed capable of talking through Sirius maddening antics spoke up. "Maybe we can be excited, Padfoot if you told us what the prank was." Sirius stopped dancing abruptly and lunged towards his trunk. He threw open the lid and chucked clothes, magazines, and even a deactivated stink bomb across the room while cackling madly to himself.
"I think that Sirius has finally lost it," Peter said frightened from his hunched position on his bed.
"He never had it to begin with Peter," James responded ducking as a pack of exploding snap cards whizzed past his head.
Sirius stood up and whirled around with a manic gleam in his gray eyes and something clutched tightly behind his back. "Moony, Wormtail, Prongs what I will reveal today will be our greatest prank yet. It will go down as the greatest prank pulled in the history of pranks. Statues will be made of our likeness and books will be written about the prank that was seen in the hallways of Hogwarts. Our children, and our children's children, and our children's children's children, and-"
"Just get on with it!" James snapped drumming his fingers against his comforter.
Sirius held up a hand for silence. "Patience my good man, for what I'm about to reveal will be the greatest prank ever. We, the Marauders, as in you, Moony, Wormtail, and I will turn those poncy, good for nothing-" James opened his mouth to yell at Sirius again but Sirius finished quickly, "-conniving Slytherins into this!" From behind his back he whipped out a hideously deformed Barbie doll. Its clothes were burnt and grimy, the limbs were twisted at odd angles and half the face was melted into a blackened lump. All in all in was the ugliest doll anyone had ever seen far surpassing that one time Sirius had attempted to stitch together a voodoo doll of the DADA professor.
A heavy silence hung in the air as the three boys stared at the deformed doll. "Where did you get that?" Remus asked in the silence with a look of disgusted fascination on his face.
"We're turning the Slytherins into zombie Barbies?" Peter asked confused, utterly bewildered at Sirius' line of thought. James just exploded with laughter.
Sirius was undeterred by the unenthusiastic expressions on his friends' faces. "No Peter, we're not turning the Slytherins into zombie Barbies," he said patiently. "I got this doll from Bellatrix, Remus. And James, you prat, will you shut up and let me tell you my brilliant plan?"
Remus was looking skeptically at Sirius. "I find it hard to believe that anything feminine would come from Bellatrix."
Gray eyes narrowed as Sirius scowled at the doll. "She used to practice the crucio curse on it when she was little until she found out that live subjects worked much better." He shrugged indifferently as if it were no big deal although the exact opposite was true and wisely no one pressed the matter.
"I still don't understand what you're driving at, mate." James ran a hand through his already messy black hair making it stick out on end like ruffled feathers. The occasional snicker escaped from his mouth at the sight of the doll but he tried to stay calm for Sirius' sake. It did sound like it could be a good plan.
Sirius heaved an exasperated sigh. "Geeze Prongs, do I have top spell it out for you? I'm saying we're going to turn the Slytherins into girls!" He waved the deformed doll around in Remus' face. Remus pushed the doll away in disgust.
"All of them?" James asked returning to his earlier game of catch the snitch.
"Yes, all of them," Sirius answered sarcastically. "James don't be as bad as Peter." Peter squawked in protest but didn't add anything else in defense. "Of course not all of them because some of them are already girls." He paused thoughtfully with a hand on his chin. "Well, at least I think some of them could be considered girls."
"Why?" Remus asked. "Sure, it has merit but I don't really see the appeal of it."
"Why?" Sirius gasped clutching his chest. "Not you too Remmy!" he cried.
Remus wrinkled his nose in distaste. "You know I don't like to be called by that childish nickname Sirius."
"Andyou know that I don't like the Slytherins Remus," Sirius shot back. He flopped down next to Remus. "And that's why we're going to turn Snivellus and the rest of those waste of space Slytherins into the fairer sex. Just think of the embarrassment."
"And the torment," James chimed in.
"And all the photos we'll take." Sirius' eyes grew wide with all the possibilities.
"And don't forget about the blackmail, " James whispered as if it were something sacred. Sirius burst into maniacal laughter along with James. "This is going to be great," James said rubbing his hands together before exploding into another bought of laughter.
"But how are we going to do it?" Remus asked after waiting for the laughter to die down a bit. "It's not like we can slip polyjuice potion into their drinks unnoticed. In case you guys haven't observed lately, the entire Slytherin table now checks their food incessantly thanks to your lovely version of the cheering charm last week."
Sirius leaned against Remus putting his hands behind his head. He sighed in contentment at the memory as he crossed his ankles. "It was worth that week of detention to hear the entire Slytherin table sing, 'Hail the Mighty Gryffindors.'"
"In front of the entire school," James added.
"And during the Gryffindor against Slytherin Quidditch match," continued Peter.
"Which we beat their sorry arses in," concluded Sirius. "Even ole' McGonagall couldn't help but give a small smile when Snape ran into the center of the field decked out in Gryffindor colors and proclaimed his love for our noble house."
"After which he and his goons tried to hex you to kingdom come," Remus couldn't resist adding.
Sirius waved it away airily. "As if anything he can do will concern me."
"Still," Remus persisted, "how do you propose to do it?"
"Oh, I have my ways," Sirius said mysteriously.
Remus groaned. "In other words it means mountains of research for me to do. Getting headaches from reading too much not to mention sneaking into the restricted section to gather information for you guys."
Sirius turned around to give Remus an angelic grin. "You know me too well, Remmy."
Remus rolled his eyes as he pushed Sirius off his bed. "And you don't know me well enough." Sirius landed on the floor with a loud thump. Unperturbed he laid on the floor with his hands behind his head and his legs propped up on Remus' bed.
"So boys," Sirius began with a toothy grin of pure mischief on his face that was reflected by each of the Marauders in return, "let's begin, shall we? Fame awaits us."