American Baby

Rating: M

Genre: Romance/Humour

Paring: Nigel/Jordan (Dur. Woody/Jordan is soooo boooring.)

Summary: Nigel angsts over Jordan. Because that's what he does.

Disclaimers: (Yay!) Dunnae own CJ or "American Baby". Song belongs to Dave Matthews (WHEE!) and CJ belongs to… the people at CBS, I suppose. I Dunnae, I'm always too busy waiting to have a spaz attack over Nigel…

A/N: Angst is fun. Nigel RULES! Throw rocks at Woodlouse and Pillock. And I can play the pizzicato violin bit in American Baby so fwah! Who's rockin' now!

This fic is dedicated to Ms. Dita von Teese, in celebration of her updating her story "Home Sweet Hopeless".


If these walls come crumbling down
Fell so hard to make us lose our faith

Nigel was sitting alone; again, thinking of Jordan; again. And again, he was left feeling… depressed. She was gorgeous, intelligent, funny, and just downright brilliant. Why would she ever go out with a freak like him? He sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face.

From what's left you'd figure it out
Still make lemonade taste like a summer day

No matter if he was having a shitty day, Jordan always managed to make everything just peachy. He leaned back in his computer chair, the harsh light from the computer screen playing across his bony features. He wasn't conventionally attractive like Woody the Woodlouse. Or ruggedly handsome like Pollack the Pillock. But he liked to think he wasn't grotesque looking.

Stay, beautiful baby
I hope you stay American Baby, American Baby

"Argh! Who am I kidding?" he growled.

"About what?" a voice piped up from the door.

Nigel choked and nearly fell out of his chair in surprise.

"Jordan!" he squeaked, his voice cracking unattractively in the middle of her name.

And nobody's laughing now,
God's grace lost and the devil is proud
But I've been walking for a thousand miles
Just one last time I could see you smile

"Yes. That's my name. Don't wear it out!" she said with a grin.

Nigel righted himself in his chair and cleared his throat. He put on a professional look and stared at her.

"Erm. I thought you had gone home."

She laughed.

"To what? My empty apartment?"

I hold onto you,
You bring me hope I'll see you soon
And if I don't see you, oh, I'm afraid we've lost the way

"Uhm… I guess."

"Silly limey. I thought about going out for a drink."

She gave him a sexy smile.

"Care to join me?"

Stay, beautiful baby
I hope you stay American Baby, American Baby
American Baby, American Baby

Of course I do.
He thought.

"Sure. Lemme just close up what I'm doing here-"

"Beastiality porn again Nige?" she tsked. "You know what Garret said about using those computers for that sort of thing."

Nigel turned bright red and turned to give her a glare. She burst out laughing.

"I'm just teasing." she giggled, walking into the office.

I hold onto you,
You lift me up, and always will
I see you in life hope I don't get left behind

Nigel stuck out his lower lip in a pout.

"Awww. Did I hurt your feelings Nige?" she teased.

He didn't answer, only lowered his head and refused to look at her, if he did, he would be given away by the mirth in his eyes.

"Come on you big dumb limey. I was just teasin'." she said.

I hold onto you,
You bring me hope I'll see you soon
And if I don't see you, oh, I'm afraid we've lost the way


She tiptoed up to him, peering into his face.

"WAH!" he yelled, jumping at her and wrapping his arms around her

Jordan shrieked, leaping about a foot in the air as Nigel's arms descended around her.

Stay, beautiful baby
I hope you stay American Baby,
I hope you stay beautiful baby,
I hope you stay American Baby,
American Baby

"You jerk!" she squealed as Nigel squeezed her tight.

Yes, Woody and Pollack were both typically handsome, but it was Nigel that had got the girl. Or maybe it was the girl who had got him… In any case, Jordan was his girlfriend. He loved rubbing Pollack's and Woody's rose in it. Both men had treated Jordan like garbage and it was their loss. Jordan was diamond amongst pebbles. A beautiful, smart woman. A woman who didn't care about Nigel's many peculiarities and imperfections.

American Baby

"So are we going out or what?" Jordan asked once she had caught her breath.

"As long as you stay with me, I'll go wherever you want." Nigel replied, nuzzling her throat distractedly.

"I'm not going to leave you Nige. I thought we'd gone over this?"

"We have. Just say it again? For my sake?" he mumbled before nipping her throat playfully.

Jordan sighed in mock exasperation.

"If you insist. I l- ahhhhhhh Nigel if you do that we'll never get out of the lab."

"Say it."

"I love you." she whispered.

American Baby
Beautiful baby
Nobody's laughing now,
It's you could always make me laugh out loud

"I love you too…"

"Mmmmm…" Jordan murmured. "Nigel cut that out. We'll never get out of the lab. I might just have to have you now, on that autopsy table."

"Do I look like I'd complain." he purred, still nipping lightly at her throat.

"Nigel. There have been dead people on that table."

"Really? In a Morgue! Dead people! Quick! Call CNN!" he exclaimed.

Jordan scowled at him. Then the scowl slowly turned into a grin.

Stay, American Baby
American baby

"You are the most infuriating man…" she said affectionately.

"Yes. But that's one of the reasons you love me." he said arrogantly.

"That's true."

"I love you." he said, suddenly serious. "I really do."

"I know, honey." Jordan replied, running a hand through his thick black hair.

"Stay with me?" he asked.

"Always." the female M.E. replied breathlessly.

And she did.

Stay, American Baby
American baby


Ok, this is getting rather ridiculous. Other people need to write Nigel/Jordan fics. I'm tired of searching for N/J fics finding mine and the same five or ten fics I've already read! So I hope this inspires you to go out and write your own N/J fic. There's needs to be more of them. We must stop out the Woody lovers! They are too predictable!