Disclaimer: The movie and the characters I am writing of do not belong to me. No commercial profit will be gained through this act.

Note: This is Shimotsuma Monogatari aka Kamikaze Girls crack!fic. Plot devices are one hundred percent contrived. Please pardon the rampant homophobia and the tired clichés. (Onegaishimasu.)


The Shimotsuma Fake Side-Story


Momoko, 16 years of age, placed on a makeshift stage by the camera, makes her narration.

"You ask how my life is now? I am well. Doing all right in school, have zero As, quit the embroidery club when they wanted to make me President. Now earning a fair amount working for Isobe-san and there is always the pachinko parlour for backup. But lately I have been worried. There is a boy whom I am going out with. Boyfriend? Yes, maybe. He is a good boy. However..."

We fade out and in upon a hill bathed in soft lighting. Momoko and the generic boy are strolling along arm-in-arm.

"Really a good boy. But I feel like something is missing. He kisses me..." The boy engineers a kiss. Momoko is squeezing her eyes shut, her nose wrinkled painfully. She turns to the imaginary audience again. "He kisses me and it is awkward. I need my handkerchief." She takes out a lacey white affair and dabs at her chin, then frowns.


"So that is what happened."

Momoko is leaning on the moped, Ichigo sprawled on the step at the porch. This is Momoko's house. Her grandma is just beside Ichigo, looking like she is about to doze off. Ichigo scratches her head. "Dump him," she concludes. "There are better men for you." She pauses, jerks her head in sudden accusation, "Don't tell me you like that rosebud Isobe-san."

Momoko shakes her head rather despondently.

"Ohh..." Ichigo nods, "also true." Then a little grin quirks its way onto her face. "Let's go then. I have a break this weekend. Was gonna tell ya. Boss shut down operations for the birth of his kid.

(We cut to the mother holding a swaddled baby, crying, and Boss on his knees thanking God.)


"Really." Ichigo taps the seat, swings on. Momoko follows suit with the ease of practice. They raise a cloud of dust as they shoot off into the sunset, with some weaving to and fro for the heck of it.


The wind blows back her hair and Momoko is happy. It's funny how she's happy when she's on a bike riding, and she tells Ichigo this. Ichigo beams.

Many picturesque turnings (that will remain unshown) later, they end up in a shopping district. Here Momoko perks up slightly and peers into shop windows with the beginnings of excitement. She prefers BABY products but she is starting to want inspiration for the Lolita dresses she is designing. Ichigo is pulled along behind her. As usual they are a strange pair, the wee Lolita in her frilly lavender dress and the tall biker thug in her red Versac(beep) jacket. Staring passersby get the evil eye.

They pass a couple, a long-haired woman and a man who looks like a man until he smiles toothily at Ichigo and chirps in a girl's voice: "You look good together."

"What're you talking about?" Ichigo demands.

He, or she, winks. Ichigo stares in mute disbelief. She remembers to raise her fist and self-consciously spit in derision only after the couple has moved on.

"What was that?" Momoko patters up.

"Eh... Nothing." Ichigo shrugs and hurries off, hands in pockets.


They are exhausted by the time they get to a riverbank. Momoko sits primly and stares into the distance. Ichigo chooses to stand. After an hour, she sits too, with much less grace.

"So... you still bothered about that person?" Ichigo asks.

"Huh? No."


"Maybe." Momoko puts her hands on her lap and smooths her dress without looking. "if we could stay in this quiet place forever... wouldn't that be nice?"

Something clicks for Ichigo. It is the kind of lightning that comes down and strikes you dead, only she is not dead. Ichigo gets up and moves to squat at Momoko's side. "You wouldn't..." she starts, then stops, head tilted and squinty-eyed.

Momoko looks at her. "What is it?"

"You know, the thing those weird people said. Ah... forget it."

"What?" Momoko repeats.

"That... Liking girls like that."

Momoko cannot see Ichigo's face clearly in the semi-darkness, but she stares anyway. It takes a while for her to speak. Her voice is soft, with a tone that says this is the first time the idea has occurred to her. "No way..."

Ichigo scrambles away. "Good then."

Somehow a strange silence falls. Then Momoko's little-girl voice breaks it; there's a pout in it. "That... is not okay?"


"Kiss me," Momoko says in English.

Ichigo creeps back to put her palm over Momoko's forehead. She tries her own. "No fever," she announces, surprised.

"I'm serious," says Momoko. "Look." She sort of bends forward, still kneeling. "Here." She waits. "Ichigo. We are best friends, right?"

"Yes," Ichigo says, with some understandable hesitation.

"Then give me a kiss."

"Y-es," Ichigo says again.

And so Ichigo goes up and puts her face against Momoko's. It feels a bit like she's going to head-butt her, actually. So Momoko reaches up, grabs Ichigo's head, and rests her lips on hers. They both freeze. Insects of the night chirp merrily in the background. The river rustles. Nobody moves.

They part, slowly. Momoko touches her dry lips. Ichigo sinks onto her haunches.

Momoko again: "Ichigo."


Ichigo opens her eyes to find Momoko's mouth pressed against hers again. Her hands hover over Momoko's back for a moment, then land lightly.

The insects of the night take over the soundtrack again, which allows the scene to reside in dark benignity for a while. Momoko's voice can be heard in voiceover.

"This isn't Rococo in the 18th century. I'm not kissing some duke. There is no decadence, no luxury. Momoko is being held by an ex-thug who is the same age as she is, a girl who works in a motorcycle shop and does occasional modelling."

Momoko murmurs and leans into the kiss.


Breathing. Ragged breathing.

This is Ichigo hanging over the handlebars of her new motorcycle. Momoko is standing in front of her. Momoko's hair is slightly ruffled. Ichigo's hair is in its usual disarray.

"I told you," Ichigo says, panting a little, "stamp out that bug! You're with me, aren't you?" She begins to pretend to spit but stops at a warning look from Momoko.

"Stop that," Momoko says with cute sternness, "I told you, didn't I? We will be alone together, and live in our alone-togetherness. Who cares what anyone else thinks or sees?"

"You care," Ichigo points out.

"Yes. But... for now..."

"Yes." Ichigo nods and caresses the girl's cheek.

Momoko smiles.

... and Grandma creeps away from the bush she was hiding behind. She mutters to herself, "What did I tell her? She will find her way."

Perhaps our girls will then ride into the sunset together (again, because clichés should come in pairs). Perhaps they will not. The credits run nonetheless.