Title: Master Skywalker, There're too many of them!
Chapter: 2. Jedi Gossip
Genre: Dark Humour
Keywords: Anakin Skywalker, Obi Wan Kenobi, younglings, Jedi life, Yoda.
Archive: , Slytherin Serpent
Summary: The outer rim sieges are nothing compared to the Jedi Temple, even the Chosen One has to concede with the more mundane, but no less frustrating, aspects of life. Dark humour.
Chapter Summary: "To the library, Watson!", "Master Obi-wan, you are not Sherlock Holmes - no even close..."
AN: Not only are the Jedi master of athletics and combat they are also extremely good at spreading gossip. After all what else is there for a librarian to do?
Personally this chapter has been in the works for over 4 years - yes that must be some kind of record. I've finally happy to post it here.
"I don't think Master Depa is making any real progress," sighed Obi Wan as he strolled along side his former apprentice down the hallowed hallways of the Jedi temple.
"She's been in a coma for 3 years now," agreed Anakin, his voice grim. "I don't know but Master Windu seems…affected by this new development."
"He has ordered the healers to monitor her more closely but that is to be expected," said Obi Wan, "I highly doubt that a master like Mace would be so attached."
"The problem with you, Master, is that you always seemed to believe in the superhuman quality of others," countered Anakin, "Mace Windu is as human as the rest of us."
They fell into a thoughtful silence as they continued towards the Grand Archives, where Anakin hoped they would find some help articles on teaching.
Anakin had confessed, after some interrogation, that he did not have the slightest idea of how younglings were taught, having never been one himself. Thus Obi Wan had decided to turn the whole horrific experience into a twisted version of a "Padawan Lesson". Anakin had been too abashed to remind Obi Wan that he had been knighted three years ago.
As they approached the grand doorway to the hall of Learning, three young padawans slipped out, the same padawans Anakin had encountered only yesterday. The moment they saw Anakin approaching the three girls burst into an uncontrollable fit of giggles.
Suddenly a cold sense of dread gripped Anakin's stomach…it can't be!
"What are you three laughing at?" demanded Obi Wan in his most authoritative voice. Not that he needed to ask, he already knew stories of Anakin's mishap would have circulated the Temple twice by now.
"Nothing, Master Kenobi," replied the boldest girl as she wiped the smirk from her face and fidgeted nervously with her padawan braid. "We were just discussing an interesting new article."
Her companions shifted awkwardly behind her, clearly uncomfortable at been interrogated by such a senior master.
Thank the force Obi Wan has some influence around here, because I would probably end up choking all three of them.
"I do not like liars, Padawan Lanu Pasqi and I shall be having a word with your Master tonight. That goes for all three of you," added Obi Wan menacingly. "If I hear any more about your obnoxious behaviour I shall personally see to an appropriate punishment myself. Now be off with you."
Anakin couldn't help but grin at the rapidly disappearing backs of the three girls. That'll teach you to mess with Obi Wan Kenobi.
"Disgraceful," said Obi Wan in a contemptuous tone usually reserved for droid armies. "Padawans these days, gossip seems to have usurped the Jedi Code."
"I fully understand, Master," replied Anakin grinning widely. "Those children needed to be taught a lesson,"
"Don't get carried away, my young apprentice," said Obi Wan calmly and then realised his mistake. "…my young knight."
"Thank you, Master, I do so appreciate that you remembered my station," said Anakin sarcastically.
"Don't use that voice with me, Anakin," snapped Obi Wan with a warning tone, "I may not be your master anymore but I am still more senior than you are."
Anakin signed and decided to change the subject as they proceeded into the Archives.
"How was dinner with the younglings?" he inquired hoping to hear some traumatising and consequently entertaining experiences.
"Oh, I had dinner with Master Yoda, he invited me just after you ran away," replied Obi Wan lightly as they approached the librarian's desk.
"I did not run away, I needed the refresher," hissed Anakin through clenched teeth as the librarian looked up from her desk.
"Ah, how may I help you Master Kenobi?" inquired Jocasta Nu as she neatened the small pile of datapads on her desk.
"We are looking for some information on current methods of youngling training," said Obi Wan respectfully.
"Of course the education archives are in row number 10,"
Obi Wan nodded placidly and headed in the direction where the librarian had pointed leaving Anakin staring blanking into space as he had been doing for the past few minutes during the exchange.
"And how can I help you Master Skywalker? Perhaps you would like to know where the nearest refresher is?" asked Jocasta without even a change in expression.
Anakin's surprise was quickly replaced by an itching sense of anger and embarrassment. Even the librarian knows! Why, I should really have grabbed that kid and wiped his memory clean!
"No thank you Master Nu, I can locate the refresher for myself almost as well as you can locate your archives. They are after all of similar importance,"
The look on Jocasta Nu's face was priceless but even as he savoured the sweet feeling of revenge Anakin knew he had gone too far. The librarian swooped away in a huff, her eyes betraying her lust for revenge.
"What was that about?" demanded Obi Wan as he returned to the desk only to find Anakin staring at the retreating back of Jocasta Nu with a twisted and sour smile.
"Nothing, Master, she simply enjoys tormenting me,"
"Oh… so she knows too…" said Obi Wan the realisation dawning on him. "Don't worry Anakin; this whole thing will blow over within a couple of days. You know the only reason people are making such a fuss is because you are the Chosen One."
Anakin mumbled something incoherent as Obi Wan proceeded to check out the datapads. There was little he wouldn't do for his apprentice but stopping Jedi spreading gossip was like making Anakin smile at Master Yoda, a noble yet completely futile course of action.
The archives that Obi Wan had unearthed proved to be slightly more helpful than the librarian and after pouring over a few simple guides (for padawans) Anakin decided that teaching was exactly the same as blowing up a Federation control ship, planning, skill and sheer dumb luck were all essential.
"Ah yes, the Tossing Game, I remember that," said Obi Wan with a nauseating tone of nostalgia. "I used to always fall over before anyone else and they called me Oafy-Wan."
Anakin was inclined to comment on how appropriate the nick name was but then decided that it would be something in the realm of a diplomatic disaster to anger his former master just when he needed him most.
"Alright, Master do you think we can handle this lightsabre class this afternoon?" asked Anakin.
Obi Wan graced him with one of his looks which blatantly said have we met?
"Anakin, no matter how bad these younglings are I am sure they could never hope to match the powers of the Chosen One. After handling you for thirteen years I am quite qualified to tame an entire clan of rancors."
"You know Obi Wan, maybe I will be the death of you some day," said Anakin menacingly but trying all the same to contain his laughter. Of course he had broken many rules as a padawan but never had he purposely tried to make Obi Wan's life difficult, if you didn't count the time he smear the refresher seat with superglue or the time when he programmed Obi Wan's fork to electrocute him or any of the other times when his lust for revenge had bordered on the Dark Side.
Obi Wan simply looked at him.
"Alright Master, I know I used to be a handful but right now I'm not sure what I'm going to do with these kids…"
"Anakin, you'll be fine, you have entire armies under your command."
"Yes, Master but the clones don't talk back to me…"
"Anakin, you are going, end of discussion."
The youngling's training room was decorated in vulgar rainbow coloured patterns that looked as if a blind nexu had been allowed to express its artistic self using paint soaked sponges.
On the walls hung a row of holo pictures depicting every member of the Jedi High Council performing a ridiculous move. Obi Wan was seen grinning whilst astride a tiny toy bantha that was crushed into the ground, while Yoda was happily sitting at a tea table with several dolls. Ominously, hanging right at the very end was an empty frame with the caption: Anakin Skywalker.
"Are they really expecting me to pose for a holo pic?" whispered Anakin hoarsely.
"Oh don't be so prudish, the younglings must be familiar with us."
"I have a bad feeling about this," replied Anakin hoping to sound as ominous as possible.
"For stars sake Anakin, you're not on the Outer Rim anymore; there is no need for this level of dramatics. Oh and don't tread on any toys while you're here the children will be very upset."
Before Anakin could inquire as to the nature of the penalty for upsetting any of the children the kindly crèche master bustled in clutching a tub of brightly coloured balls.
"Oh Anakin, Obi Wan, I'm so glad to see you've arrived. I'm sorry to say that the Bear Clan can't be here today because Liam is being punished for…" the human Jedi Master paused in a very obvious kind of way and then continued, "well, anyway, Mari Amithest is ill and we think JK has come down with the same strain of virus. So I am most sorry that the lightsabre lesson has been cancel. I would have notified Master Yoda but I was…caught up dealing with young Liam."
"Oh no, it's perfectly fine," said Anakin feeling as if the force was truly with him today.
"But the Katarn Clan have been studying your exploits and they so wanted to meet the two heroes of the Jedi Order…" the crèche master looked almost pleadingly at them with his large glassy eyes that reminded Anakin of a particularly dangerous species of fish.
"Of course, we would be glad to give them some instruction," said Obi Wan joyfully before Anakin could get a proper force grip around his throat. "Might I enquire as to how advanced they are?"
No, no, no. Obi Wan do you have to ruin everything?
The crèche master looked as though the New Year had come early and eagerly drew out a prepared datapad from the folds of his robes.
"There are twelve of them between the ages of ten and thirteen. Many of them are looking for a Jedi Master."
Fat chance of them taking Obi Wan, thought Anakin and suddenly recoiled in disgust at his own possessiveness but it simply felt too weird if Obi Wan were to take another apprentice.
"Of course," replied Obi Wan scrolling carefully through he holo pics on the datapad with great interest. Various children of different species cropped up each looking more eager than the last.
"They'll be arriving shortly. I'll just be off now." With that the crèche master bundled off with great haste as though he knew what was coming.
"Master, I do not believe you just agreed to teaching…"
"Anakin, be quiet, I'm trying to read…"
"You are not seriously thinking of taking on a new padawan are you? We are in the middle of a war, you would have to take the child on missions to the Outer Rim, to the midst of ferocious battles -,"
"Anakin, one day this war will be over and sooner than you think. I believe it is time to start training a new generation of knights to replace the ones we lost."
Rolling his eyes again with enough melodrama to warrant another disapproving look from his former master, Anakin flopped down into the nearest structure resembling a chair and waited for imminent doom.
Suddenly, just as he was getting rather comfortable on the padded stool, the sounds of over excited voices reached his ears.
"That would be them, I gather," muttered Anakin as his mind automatically started to calculate how many beanbags and softballs he would need to blockade the door.
"Really Anakin, they are younglings not gungarks!" said Obi wan in exasperation, "so for stars sake try to smile."
Anakin was too occupied with pulling his face muscle into a badly formed leer to notice the first youngling launching himself through the air like a missile headed right for him.
AN: I know this story has been a long time in the making but trust me, more hilarious stuff to come! Please review!