Disclaimer- No, the Harry Potter world does not belong to me. I sent a letter to J.K.Rowling asking for it as an early Christmas present, but she has yet to reply……………

Dearest Fanfiction Writers

Well, the thing is I don't even know why I bother with the 'Dearest' part. I mean, could it be more obvious that you hate me? As if your stories aren't

enough to clue me on that particular fact.

Yes, if you're wondering, I do have a lot of suppressed anger, and this is my mode of outlet. I have never been so humiliated and chagrined in my life before. And the reason…… well as far as I can see, I'll put it in my words---


My life as a PUREBLOOD


First situation

"Dearest Hermione"

I am soooo pleased to be able to FINALLY after (insert the number of years

anywhere from 14 to a million) years to be able to tell you that………………. (Ta da)


Not a disgusting Mudblood as you have always believed…but a PUREBLOOD. Your mum and dad are not your mum and dad at all! ….. Now isn't that just GREAT?! Ooooh, this is gonna be sooo much funnn.

Now you can get a gorgeous makeover, because you know, it's like blasphemy for a PUREBLOOD to look less than gorgeous.

And you can also befriend Draco Malfoy, since you're a PUREBLOOD, and he's like the hottest PUREBLOOD around (I had this thing for him myself a few years ago! Haha, bet you didn't know that!). And of course you wouldn't want to hang around dirt like Potter and Weasley. (Even though I love them, but still ewww……).

Please make sure you come back with loads of attitude, and horrible pranks, and bad schemes, and ghastly jokes because if you haven't gotten it by the hundred and fifty times I've already said it ----


Lots of love, hugs and kisses

Your Headmaster

Albus Dumbledore

PS. Oooh! Silly ole me. I forgot to mention in the letter. You're actually the

Daughter of Lord "He-who-must-not-be-named", "You-know-who" a.k.a

"Voldemort." I completely forgot! Oh well… have a nice vacation!

PPS. Darling, you do remember that you're a pureblood right? I forgot whether I've written that and I'm too lazy to read the whole letter again.

D M (oh no wait, that stands for 'Draco Malfoy', wrong initials.)

A D (yess)


Second situation

"Mione darlin' wake up."

"Mommmm" it's like dawn." (Picks up the clock, looks at the time…… 12:00 pm.)

"Yes, just as I said, dawn"

"I know my baby likes her sleep, but like I've got this incredibly important announcement to make about your birth parents."

(E N T E R Albus Dumbledore)

"Yes Ms. Granger" he says politely. "Your parents are not your parents. Your real parents are important purebloods, but for some reason that I don't know, they left you at this house."

"We really loved you as our own child, darlin'. Your real parents were thinking of you, they wanted to protect you." Says her mother anxiously.

"Yes Ms. Granger. Your real parents are death-eaters."

Hermione's eyes fill with tears. "And for (insert the number of years) you've let me be taunted by Malfoy about being a mudblood?"

Then her eyes widen "They're nothing else you wanna tell me…… Like I'm betrothed to Malfoy?"

"Oh no" her mother hastily assures her.

"Aww…… crap" Hermione mutters "I'll have to think of another way"

And then Hermione Granger lays herself down to sleep and is in Lalaland within a minute.


Third situation

"You're a WHAT?" Hermione screamed. She was sitting at the dinner table. Her plate untouched.

"A witch darling and your father here is a wizard. And please do finish your soup"

"But…but…but…" why didn't you TELL me, all these years. sniff"

"Umm…… we really haven't gotten to that part yet." Her mother admitted. "When we think of a real shocker of a reason, I promise you'll be the first to know! And have your soup."

"Are you friends with the Malfoys?"

"Best friends. And Hermione that soup is getting COLD."

Her father interrupts "No more talking."

"Yes" Hermione mutters. "My soups getting cold. Why didn't' you tell me that, mother? We could have had this useless discussion later."

"Sorry dear" her mother apologizes

Hermione 'hmphs' and sets about eating the long waiting soup.


Fourth situation

"Harry, kill him." Hermione screamed in frenzy, as she faced a wandless Voldemort. The fight had gone on too long. It had to end.

"But Hermione, I can't kill… it's just not in me."

"Then…… I will" said Hermione with chilling calm.

"Hermione" said Voldemort silkily, "Nobody's told you this…… but I'm your father. I left you in care of muggles to protect you from my evil, inane plans. I of course did not intend that you kill me in the end."

Hermione lowered her wand "You're my father?"

"Yes…" replied Voldemort tenderly

Hermione rushed and hugged the darkest lords of all times, who also happened to be her long lost father.

"HERMIONE" Harry yelled, "Don't listen to him, he's trying to fool you."

Hermione glared at Harry for a moment "This is between father and daughter. Why don't you just shut your trap?"

"Oh brother…" muttered Harry

"Hey mate" said Ron materializing out of nowhere "Ask him, since he's Hermione's father… will he still try to kill us…?"


Fifth situation

"Hermione", wait. A breathless Draco Malfoy chased after her. "Don't run away. Don't you know that we're childhood best friends?"

Hermione stopped short, and Draco banged into her (because of inertia and all that)

"Childhood best friends? But you're a pureblood, I'm a muggle born!"

Draco considered this for a moment "Haven't your parents told you?"


"That you're also pureblood and betrothed to me?"


"Oh well you are."

"Ok. When is our wedding?"

Draco checked his highly advanced watch… "Er…… that would be today. Um… only like two minutes from now we're supposed to be at the altar."

A surprised squirrel gazed in wonder at the place where a boy and girl had stood just half a second before…


I can't even bear to continue. We'll have to wait till another day…

But just so you know…

Signing off




So that's all for this chappie, folks! I thought this would be an interesting idea, and a tad different from other chapters. But don't worry, the conclusion will soon come in the next chapter, where Hermione sits and disses all these plots

So what did ya think? Please review. This chapter was quite long, I deserve one, right: P Till then

Cook your eggs…sunny side up!