Blood, Sweat, and Tears
Pairings: HP/SS, SB/RL
Rated: NC-17 (For FFnet purposes, strong M)
Category: Romance, H/C, Drama/Angst, First Time (Slightly AU for future, and Sirius' being alive. Completely ignores HBP and DH due to the fact that I'm lazy and started writing this before they came out.)
Summary: Harry Potter finds Severus Snape's emotional side after the Death Eaters discover Sev is a spy. What next? Warning: Detailed rape/Very emotional and traumatized Snape.
Disclaimer: This is old. I don't own them. I just have fun with them. You know this. Cool?
Chapter One: Discovery
Severus Snape came back from the Death Eaters rather bruised and bloody, but otherwise seemingly unharmed. This was quite unusual, considering he had been working as one of Dumbledore's spies - for the past 25 years or so. True, the war was over, had been for several years now, but a few Death Eaters were still out there, led by Lucius Malfoy, and Snape had been one of the very few spies left, until they'd discovered him.
However, he wasn't unharmed, as everyone had expected. In fact, his situation was completely opposite.
Which was why he could (or could not, depending on whether one wanders the dungeons at night) be seen in his private chambers very early one summer morning - sitting at his writing desk, wide awake with his head perched on his arms, and...
A Snape never cried. But now was an exception, you see. A Snape would surely pay for crying, for showing any emotion whatsoever. And pay he did, for at this very moment, there happened to be another person in the Dungeons, wandering about and also unable to sleep.
That person was 24-year-old Professor Harry Potter, who now taught Muggle Studies at Hogwarts.
Harry had been walking in the dungeons for no more than ten minutes, when he heard a noise coming from one of the rooms. Knowing not many people lived down here, he decided to do a little investigating. Finding the room in which he heard the sound, Harry put his ear against the closed door to hear the sound more clearly, and recognized it as sobbing.
He hesitated, then knocked. The sound stopped, and there was a slight shuffling noise.
Severus heard knocking at the door, lifted his head from his arms to look at the clock. 04:30. Confused, Severus attempted to compose himself. No one knocked on his door- ever except maybe Albus. But even Albus knew better than to bother him after a Death Eater meeting gone wrong... especially at 4:30 in the morning.
"Enter." He said, with as much calm as he could muster.
Harry Potter entered his chambers.
'Oh, Gods' thought Severus, 'I'm going to be the laughingstock of the school if he knows I was . . .' His thoughts trailed off as the boy . . . 'man' regarded him in a careful, calculating manner.
Harry looked at his former professor, wondering what could possibly be so horrible that it made Snape cry. He approached the still-sitting man carefully, willing him silently to stay there and not shy away.
Snape's heart raced as the boy . . .man, Severus, you have to remember that!' approached him. He needed to look away, to find some scathing remark to send the other man away, but he couldn't. Not this time.
But the only thing Harry did was crouch in front of Severus in an attempt to appear unobtrusive (which Snape was secretly grateful for), look up at him, and ask "What's wrong?" as if he expected an answer.
Snape found himself forming one before he could stop himself.
"I- . . . don't want to tell you."
This response may not have surprised an audience, had there been one, but it surprised Harry a great deal, despite the fact that he had known the man for more than ten years. Or perhaps because of it. The man's voice was very small; very un-Snape-like. It scared Harry to hear Snape speak this way, and he reached out to touch the man's face lightly.
Severus panicked and flinched away from the touch. The hand retreated quickly.
"Sorry," its owner said softly. He thought for a moment, said "Can't sleep either?" Snape shook his head in the negative.
"What's wrong?" Harry repeated. Before the tiny voice could answer again, Harry took the man's right hand in his left, stood again, only to sit in the chair next to his former professor, pull him close, and hold him soothingly, protectively. He had done this slowly, so as not to scare the other man, couldn't help doing it. It seemed so natural, and it was obvious that the older man needed to feel safe at the moment.
Snape tried to pull away from the embrace, mildly frightened, but felt himself leaning into it instead as Harry began whispering to him softly, soothingly, and Severus broke down again.
Harry rocked the crying man in his arms, whispering into his ear that things would be okay, even though he didn't really know whether they would be or not, but it seemed to calm Severus a little, so Harry took that as a good sign, and pulled back slightly, but didn't stop rocking back and forth. "You don't need to keep your emotions bottled up forever, you know," Harry said quietly, not really knowing whether or not the other man heard, but hoping he had. "You won't be as depressed if you tell someone what you're feeling. You don't have to play the horrible, greasy git of a potions master all the time. It won't hurt you to let your guard down once in a while."
"You have no idea..." The tiny voice again.
This stunned Harry, and he got a new idea of what Severus might have meant. He recalled how the man had flinched away from him as Harry had reached for him, tried, though only for a moment, to pull away when he held him, how he had broken down in Harry's arms, all of these things having happened in the past few minutes. Harry put all the signs together, but wouldn't reveal his suspicions until the older man was ready to tell him whether or not they were right- which was another reason to try to get him to talk. You couldn't leave something as wrong and horrifying as rape bottled up inside for long; you'd go mad.
There was a comforting silence for some time, then the sobbing started again, and Harry held Severus closer.
"Ready to talk now?" He asked softly. Severus nodded, but didn't respond verbally. "Take your time," Harry said, placing a soft kiss against Severus' temple. His former professor gave him a strange look, but said nothing of it.
"Lucius Malfoy called the rest of the Death Eaters to a meeting," Severus began . . .
Severus Snape was grading papers in his chambers when he felt the Dark Mark on his arm burn black. Accustomed to this interruption, he immediately walked to the edge of the grounds until he was just outside them, and Disapparated.
When he realized every other Death Eater was already there, Snape felt a horrible sense of foreboding.
Lucius Malfoy stood in the center of the circle made by the other Death Eaters.
"One among us," He stated simply, "Is a traitor."
There was an immediate hum of voices all around the circle, each Death Eater wondering which of the others was the traitor in their midst. Lucius Malfoy stepped in front of each Death Eater in turn as if scanning for their loyalty, making his way around the circle, edging closer and closer to Snape. When he finally reached Severus, he paused longer than he had for the others.
"Severus," he said, more kindly than was obviously meant. "Why have you found it necessary... to turn your back on us? To betray us?"
Since Severus knew they wouldn't give a damn what he said, because they knew him guilty, he settled for the truth.
"Lucius ... You cannot betray someone you were never loyal to in the first place," he said coolly, showing that his loyalty was to Dumbledore for all these years, and they were just now discovering his true colors. "You of all people should understand that." He dropped his hood, carelessly took off the white mask that signified his false loyalty, let it drop from his hand and fall to the ground. Then he stepped on it, smashing it, and turned his back to Lucius Malfoy.
Malfoy gave the signal and the Death Eaters pounced. Snape didn't even bother fighting them. He couldn't win, and he had served his purpose, anyway.
But when they wrestled him to the ground, ripping at his clothing, Snape knew something was horribly wrong. This was not normal punishment, and the professor was on the verge of panic.
When the first Death Eater pushed into him hard and without warning, Snape bit his lip to keep from screaming. He could feel blood trickling from the lip but didn't care, for the other pain he was experiencing was much more unbearable. As tears flowed freely down his cheeks, Snape was backhanded hard across the face, and he kept his head to the side, not wanting to know who was inside, tearing him, breaking him.
The Death Eater came, burning the inside of Snape's opening with it. He pulled out, and another entered.
It went on like this for some unfathomable amount of time, one Death Eater after another taking him, ripping him, tearing his pride to shreds, while the others watched and often struck him, but that never distracted him from the more prominent pain. He wanted to black out, to die, anything. Nothing mattered now, except that the pain had to stop.
And finally, as the last Death Eater pulled out of him, Severus' vision began to blur. He knew they were still beating him, but he didn't really care. As the merciful darkness consumed him, Severus' last thought was the hope that he would never wake up.
But Snape wasn't that lucky. He woke up in the Hospital Wing the next afternoon, praying it had been a nightmare, but knowing it hadn't been. He suspected Albus knew, either before he woke up, or because of how he openly showed his unwillingness to be touched, or comforted, or talked to. He isolated himself more than usual, and he knew Dumbledore would notice, but he did not care.
Apparently, Harry cared. He silently listened to his former professor's story, taking in every detail and finally fully understanding why Snape was acting the way he was.
When Severus finished his story, the other man was looking at him, something akin to pity in his eyes. But it didn't make Snape fume the way that pity did, it was – an offering of comfort. "Severus?" Snape looked up. "Thank you for telling me. I know it was hard for you to relive it." Honestly. Severus knew the man believed him, knew the other man wouldn't taunt him for what had happened to him. He was grateful for that.
But unprepared when Harry scooped Severus into his arms, carrying him toward a door off the main room of his chambers. He flailed somewhat, like a helpless child, but Harry's voice telling him everything was all right soothed him a bit. He was still terrified, though, not knowing what the other man was going to do.
The room was Severus' bed chambers. Harry laid the older man gently on the bed and sat next to him, lightly brushing Severus' hair back with his fingers. Snape cried for a moment, softly, quietly, scared and needing to get it out and wondering if it had been a mistake to tell Harry.
As he reached the realization Harry wasn't a threat, Severus began to relax, and eventually fell asleep. Harry took off his slippers, and quietly lay down next to the lightly sleeping man, but not touching him. He didn't want to be cause for nightmares which he knew from experience occurred after frightening ordeals.
Placing a small kiss on Severus' forehead, Harry whispered into the man's ear, not actually thinking he heard, but just to be a comforting presence to the sleeping man, "It's over now, Severus... It'll get better, you'll see."
Severus heard him, but didn't say anything, didn't even stir or show any type of sign that he had heard whatsoever. But he almost smiled. Almost.
A/N: Please R/R! How was that for a first chapter?