:Disclaimer: All chatacters in the following fiction are the sole property of their respective copy write holders. That may include, but is not limited to Rumiko Takahashi, VIZ studios and filming agents, and that guy that got Mrs. Takahashi's coffee this morning, etc. I'm merely barrowing them, if you think otherwise, you should begin looking for a good psychiatrist.

Ranma and Akane: Woes in Nerima.

By, Tuisto.

A story of gratuitous cameos, unusual plots, even weirder martial arts, and utter craziness. Oh, and yes, I AM a sick and twisted person. That said, this story, while taking a lot of elements from the Ranma-verse, is completely AU (that's 'Alternate-Universe' folks), and as such, don't try to ponder anything you read here within with ANY sort of an attempt to rationalize or understand it. You'll likely just end up with a headache. Or like me, "sick and twisted". You've been warned.

Now without further, adieu.

Woes in Nerima chapter 1: revised

Nerima a quite little suburb of Tokyo, well at first glance maybe. Once you've passed the dozens upon dozens of esoteric martial arts dojo's, wandering ghosts, aquatransmorphic super-powered love-struck teenagers, and more perverts per capita than you could shake a stick at. You might notice it's not sooo, quite after all.

Take the scene unfolding at the heart of this madness itself, the Tendo dojo of Anything Goes martial arts.

"Genma! Genma! Come quickly, we're received a letter!" Soun Tendo shouted as he excitedly ran in from the mail post.

"Really! Don't just stand there you fool, read it!" Genma retorted to his friend as the two approached each other.

Soun in a voice mockingly mimicking that of the fat Chinese Jusenkyo guide began to read, "Dear Sirs, we at Jusenkyo be very pleased to receive letter of request from you, for sacred cursed waters of Nannichuan sacred cursed spring water. After one years of much thinkings by Jusenkyo committee, they approve too too good request. You will receive sacred cursed waters one week from time you Sirs receive letter."

Both men upon reading the good news, flew into action grabbing the other mans arm and doing the 'victory' dance as performed by two idiots.

"NO MORE BEING A PANDA!" Exclaimed an extremely enthused Genma.

"And finally the two schools of Anything Goes Martial Arts can be joined in marriage!" Soun "fountain-san" Tendo shouted happily, now with tears streaking down his face.

'You know Soun old boy, this means we have a lot of preparations to make ready for the wedding…… like to dragg….. err, I mean convincing those two ungrateful children into the chapel for their wedding day." Explained Genma.

"Quite right! We have much, much work to do still old friend! Now I wonder where the cheapest place to rent a wedding dress from is?" Soun said quietly more to himself.

"Well, old friend, I don't know really, but I'm sure you'll be able to find it!" Genma said, adding silently to himself, "You cheap old bastard."

With that, the two middle aged martial artists quickly began their new plotting for the day of their children's wedding.

Later in that evening as Kasumi practiced her Anything Goes Martial Arts Home-Making, a soft soprano scream wretched the air and was heard emanating from the bathroom. "Oh my, that sounded like Ranma-chan, I'd better go check in on her" The ever polite Kasumi stated as she finished with her Battle-Feather-duster. (1)
The day Ranma had feared coming since falling into a spring in rural China and he was cursed to also be a "she" depending on the weather, had finally arrived. Now Ranma being no dummy, contrary to everyone else's opinion of him/her, had done quite a bit of reading on this and thought she'd be ready for the cramps, mood swings and the like, but when the time came. She was completely unprepared for the worste part of it, forgetting almost everything she had read in the school library about the female body when a certain accusatory tomboy fiancée wasn't around to scream "PERVERT!"

So it was a bit of a surprise when there was a faint knock at the bathroom door, followed by the ever gentle Kasumi's voice. "Ranma, are you okay, do you need any help in there?"

"Umm, Kasumi, I-ii, think I DO need your help with thiiiiiiis, I-ii just don't know what ttttttoooo do." Ranma stuttered out.

Kasumi noting the trembling in the strong martial artist's voice quickly, but quietly rushed in, quite surprised by the sight of what she saw in there.

Sitting in the middle of the bathroom floor in her trademark boys boxer shorts and muscle shirt, was the short redheaded girl was quietly sobbing and on the verge of all-out bawling.

"What… what is so wrong Ranma?" Kasumi gentle asked as she put her hand on Ranmas head.

"I'M A FREAK!" Was all Ranma could tearilly shout back at Kasumi.

"Oh, Ranma, you're not a freak. Yes you've been cursed, but that doesn't make you a freak" Kasumi said calmly and reassuringly.

"YES I AM! I AM A FREAK! LOOK AT ME! I'M BLEEDING 'DOWN THERE'!" Ranma said, and pointing to her boxer shorts.

With that Kasumi actually looked down to where the young redhead was pointing. Then realized exactly what Ranma had meant.

"Oh my, Ranma, that's perfectly natural for a young woman, you're now having your first menarche." Seeing the redheads confusion, kasumi elaborated "You know Ranma, your period."

As those words settled and stung in Ranmas' ears. Ranma tried to retort. "But I'm not a woman, "I'mmmm aaaaa ggguy!" Then came the much needed emotional release of crying and bawling like Ranma had never experienced before.

"There, there, I'll help you with this Ranma" Kasumi said, as she gently knelt down next to Ranma and took the sobbing martial artist into her arms so that Ranma could cry it all out.

"But I don't want your help! I'm a strong guy!" Ranma blurted between softer sobs, but at this point was in near hysterics.

"I know! I'll change back to my guy side and I won't have to deal with this now!" Ranma proclaimed as she broke free of the hug she was enveloped in, bolted upright, while doing so knocking Kasumi on flat on her butt.

"But…." Kasumi tried to protest, but the redhead didn't notice and was darting for the furo tub. With a loud splash sending water everywhere in the tiny bathroom, the redhead dove into the furo with a reckless abandon for safety.

Though as Ranma arose from the steamy hot water filled furo tub she knew it didn't work and was almost afrain to look, but since Ranma Saotome isn't afraid of anything, she looked down to see her generous breasts and not her male chest, all she could manage to say before passing out from a knock to her head was "Damn that old panda" And she was out cold, half draped over the edge of the furo tub.

As Kasumi took in the events of past several minutes, she mused to herself "This might be more of a problemme than I first thought"

With that she left the unconscious redhead girl on the bathroom floor, and went to her room for some desperately needed necessities.

Ranma slowly awoke to the feeling of her red locks being brushed. Opening her eyes this was confirmed as she saw Kasumi sitting next to her gently brushing her red hair that at this point was out of its famous pigtail and was instead draped down to her mid back .

"Kasumi?" Ranma asked.

"Oh, good, you're awake! Now we can begin our little girl time chat!" Kasumi beamed and smiled hoping to defuse the awkwardness that was to come.

"But I'm not a girl! I'm a guy" Ranma protested with a cute, to the point of glucose shock, pout.

"No I'm sorry Ranma, not for now, and not for the next few days you certainly aren't. Ranma, I know how much you may dislike hearing this. But for now, and from now on when you're in your girl-type form. You're all woman. This means that once a month, you're vagina will bleed and due to extra hormones you'll be a bit 'moody'. This also means that if you were to be intimate with a man, you could get pregnant and have a baby. Do you understand?"

As Ranma was much calmer now than before, all she had previously read was coming back to her mind. So she simply nodded to Kasumi to confirm that she now indeed did understand.

"But Kasumi, why aren't I a guy now? I remember jumping into the furo, but nothing after that"

Kasumi " Well, I'm not 10o percent certain why, but when you splashed into the hot water, you just didn't change back to your guy self. But I'm pretty certain you're not changing has to deal with your……" Kasumi trailed off.

"Myyy period" Ranma said sheepishly and coloured from embarisment.

"Yes" was all Kasumi could say.

"Kasumi…" Ranma began hesitantly "… why do you think THIS is happening now?"

Kasumi sighs deeply to order her thoughts "Well Ranma, sometimes very… active girls don't get theirs later in their teens years because of some… hormonal imbalances. Then when the hormones of early puberty balance out later on, that's when these active girls get their…." Kasumi trailed off to let Ranma comprehend this.

After several minutes Ranma mumbles "Oh…" and colours even further.

"But while you're a woman for now, I've brought you something's that will make it all a little better" Kasumi continued. "Here are a few tampons for you, do you know how to use them?"

"Yeah, I know all about these from the books in the school library, and the talks I've overheard other girls have." Ranma replied. But oh how she wished she hadn't heard some of those talks.

Kasumi looks at Ranma oddly and asks. "Ranma were you eavesdropping on these girls to know what to expect?"

"WHAT?" Ranma shouts startled at the accusation then continues "No Kasumi, I've just heard a lot in passing. It wasn't like I was perving in on conversations about this junk."

"Ah, that's good Ranma. Now here are some other things, But I don't want to hear your protests. Right now you need these things, whether you like it or not."

Ranma couldn't believe her ears, for the first time since Ranma had known the girl she considered to be a sister, Kasumi was stern and stone faced. Then she noticed the items the older girl had placed out before her.

"NO anything but those types of things!" Ranma thought to herself in silent protest to them.

Before her Kasumi had laid out two sets of matching outfits that consisted of blue pleated skirts and blouses, otherwise known as the Furinkan High School girls uniform. Ranma had worn similar outfits before, so these didn't bother her as much as what she gazed upon next. There next to the folded clothes were several sets of brightly coloured brassieres and panties, along with a new unopened package of tampons…..

"Now Ranma, these are YOUR things now. I altered my old high school uniforms to fit you better, so now they're yours. I'm also for now taking away your boys underwear and other clothes for now, as it just wouldn't do for the time being. But I'll let you have them back once you can change back to being a boy. Now if you don't mind getting dressed, and I mean fully dressed, tampon then panties, brassier, skirt then blouse in that order. No dinner for you."

Ranma still in a state of shock at Kasumi's sternness, capitulated, and did as Kasumi asked as the older girl walked back down stairs to the kitchen. Once there she chuckled quietly to herself about how easy that was when compared to Akane's time and their 'chat'.

"Everyone, come to the dinning room! Super is ready!" Kasumi beamed to the household.

Just as Genma and every Tendo had taken their respective seats at the table and began the dinner ritual of 'digging in'. They all turned to see the one member of the household that had in all this time only been late to the dinner table when he/she had been out fighting. At that same moment there were mouths agape, and at least two bowls of rice were dropped and broke upon seeing the once ultra-unfeminine, boy turned girl, warring of all things one of Kasumi's older school outfits, while fidgeting with a brassier strap on her shoulder as she took her seat next to her father.

"You pervert! What are you doing in Kasumi's clothes?" Akane screamed at Ranma.

"Oh, Akane, it's alright, I gave then to Ranma, she needs them right now more than I do anyways" said Kasumi smiling hoping to calm down her… spirited sister.

"Oh, and why is this Kasumi" Genma and Soun seemed to ask in unison.

"Well……." Kasumi started, but was cut off by Ranma.

"Well, um……. See thing is pop's, Mr. Tendo…..umm the thing is, for right now and the next few days, I don't think I'll be able to change back to a guy. Sorry about this" Ranma said, then continued to gently ease rice into her mouth. Ranma being a gentle eater was another huge shock to the family sitting around Ranma.

"Oh, and why's this My boy?" Genma shouted at Ranma.

"It's a woman's issue Mr. Saotome, can you leave it at that?" Kasumi interjected.

'Women's issue? Bah rubbish weak minded junk' Genma thought then said "NO! I want to hear it from my son's mouth why he refuses to change back! If you won't change back! I'll change you back BOY!" With that Genma, seemingly from nowhere pulled out a steaming tea kettle and doused his 'son' with the hot water it contained. Then, there was only more shock, and more questions being raised by what they saw. There sat one short, red headed formerly pigtailed, buxom girl, soaking wet with steaming hot water.

"But….. BUT HOW!" The entire family, minus Kasumi, screamed at Ranma.

At this point the calm collected composure Ranma had somehow managed to maintain through all this broke. And the entire family noticed as the short redhead stood and went into hysterical laughter mixed with some tears for several minutes. So the sight of an emotional unhinged Ranma, quickly quieted the house. After all, THAT IS scary.

Then calming down just enough, and in the gruffest voice the redhead girl could muster in her soprano voice.

"I didn't want to say it like this…. But I've gotten my first period okay! That's why I can't change back baka old man! And the for the record the clothes were Kasumi's idea not mine! She even took away my boy clothes until I can change back!" and with that outburst Ranma 'punted' Genma into the koi pond, where panda-Genma stood shakily out of the water.

The table fell silent as Ranma, still dripping wet, retook her seat and started to finish her now soggy rice.

The silence however didn't last.

First by Kasumi's very soft, barely audible "Oh, poor Ranma-chan."

Then by the signing of the Panda-man Genma. "My son! My son has become a woman! A WEAK SILLY WOMAN!" followed by his sobbing.

Nabiki at this point was herself laughing hysterically, plotting on how much Yen she might be able to get out of the redhead sitting across from her with this revalation.

Then the last thing Ranma heard that night, was simply Akane's statement of


With that a gigantic wood mallet appeared out of nowhere, then a loud #thwack# as it impacted the redhead with enough force to drive her right through the floor.

"Well, I have homework to do now" Akane then stormed off to her room as if absolutely nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

The next morning the Tendo girls and the neo-girl Ranma were walking to school in their matching blue school dresses.

As they entered the gates to the noble institution of learning that was Furinkan High School. The crowds and masses of students already confirmed with the knowledge that the PigTailed girl and Ranma Saotome were one and the same person from last semesters display at the Cheerleading competition, were completely awestruck by what they saw. And all began mumbling to themselves and each other. "Ranma Saotome has come to school as a girl, and in a skirt no less?" Was the general course of the talk. Being so embarrassed knowing all the chatter was about "her" that her cheeks became as nearly as red as her hair.

Unfortunately for Ranma, HE of all people had to notice her today of all days.


"Oh, last thing I need right now is him" Ranma muttered to herself.

With his speech done Kuno glompt onto Ranma, much to Ranmas dismay and fury.

"You idiot, get off of me!" Ranma said slapping Kuno until she was freed from his grasp.

"What's your problemme anyways! Don't you get it? Haven't you heard? Or are you just too think headed to understand?" Ranma nearly shouted with a battle aura haloing her form.

"What is that my pigtailed goddess?"

"First of all, would you stop calling my that! I ain't yours for nothin'! And I have a name too you know! Which brings me to my next point. I'm Ranma Saotome! Haven't you heard! At the cheer competition least semester my little secret got out. I'm a guy dammit!" Ranma said hoping against hope THIS time the idiot would get it.

"Oh, my pigtailed goddess, that is only what that vile sorcerer Ranma Saotome wants you to think! I know it sure as the sun rises from the east!"

Upon hearing such a bold declaration from Kuno, the entire school student body decided to, for once, help out Ranma and yelled at him in unison.


After several moments, it all seemed to just click into place in Kunos pliable mind, the competitions, the names, the family and friends, the fact he'd never seen both Ranma and the pig-tailed-girl in the same room, or even in the same vicinity. Everything. Then he did something, something that for the first time was "unaided" by blunt force trauma to his thick cranium, he fainted at the realizeation that he was in love……. In love with Ranma Saotome.

"Akane, I think he's out of our hair now, wanna get to class before we're late again?" Ranma said.

"Sure, but are you certain you want to go as a girl? You'll be alright with this? You know you could've just called in sick or something." Akane said, for once trying to sound sympathetic to Ranma's plight.

"Naw, I couldn't of just called in sick, and I thought sooner or later I'd have to come as a girl like this. I'll be alright." Ranma replied more enthusiastically than she felt. 'Damn cramps'

Just then a spatula wielding Ukyo ran up next to Ranma and Akane as they were walking into the halls of the school.

"So Ranma honey, why you comin' to school as a girl? They didn't run out of gas to heat water over where you live did they?" Ukyo said, obviously to goad Akane into something less than friendly.

"Naw, nothin' like that Uc-Chan, it's a long story, but for now and the next couple of days I can't change into a guy."

Uc-Chans curriousity was piqued. "Oh really sugar, can you give me a hint?"

"Um, well, you know…… once a month girl issues are keeping me from changing" Ranma said, then gave a faint smirk and slight blush to Ukyo.

With that Ukyo paled, stopped walking and froze in place like a statue, with the cutest bewildered expression of "but how?" on her face.

"Hmm, she took that better that I expected. Come on Akane, or else we'll be late for class."

School much to Ranma's pleasure went better than she thought. The only problemme was convincing the teachers and other staff that this short redhead girl was the same person as the tall black haired martial artist boy. But after the entire schools student body vouched for her, and after Nabiki sold several VHS tapes of the change for a tidy profit, there were no problemmes from the teachers, just odd looks, and some even odder questions.

After the after school movie the trio went to see, a comedy romance flick, actually. That involved a teenage martial artist with multiple fiancées Ranma found surprisingly entertaining and strangely familiar, though she couldn't place why. Walking home with Akane and Nabiki, Ranma was reflecting on all the events so far. Then chimed in to the two sisters' conversation. "Pretty eventful 24 hours, huh?" Then smiled and ran ahead of the two into the sunset giggling. All Nabiki could say after that was, "This is just too weird, even by our standards." Akane just nodded in agreement, wondering when Rod Serling would step out from a blind corner or something.

Ah, but so it begins

(1)- What? Ukyo has a Battle-Spatula, so what's wrong with a Battle-Feather-duster?